But I need opinions.
I have a VERY complicated relationship with my mother. And something happened today that has me totally worried, but I have to give some context first.
To say the least, she has been depressed for years, and when my father was drinking more when we were little (I was between 7 and 11ish), she was wdefinitely the quintessential co-dependent/enabler of an alcoholic family. So basically though, my father stopped drinking to get drunk when I was about 12, and nothing about that whole experience was ever talked about again, ever.
My family is very much the alcoholic family. My youngest brother has very very serious addiction issues, has been in and out of recovery for years, he has always been the wild one, was the one who got away with everything. My middle brother keps to himself, has a huge shell around his feelings and has built that as his coping mechanism, and me, I'm the caretaker, the peacemaker, the "good one" and always have been.
For the past few years, I have been the mediator between my parents (and especially my mother) and my youngest brother, trying to help out a lot with all that he is going through - and my parents expect this of me, but then my mother gets mad at me when I tell her what I think. She also has incredible expectations of what it means for us to "love" her, and those expectations change no matter what we do. For example, I forgot tto call her on her birthday one year, and she called me yelling and crying about how all she wants is a phone call on her birthday. And so the next year I called her on her birthday, and she yelled and cried about how I couldn't even send her a card, and so the next year I calleed and sent a card, and she called me crying and yelling about how all I (we - my brothers and I) could do was get her a card so for my next birthday that's all I would be getting because I didn't care about her, etc. This is just an example.
Lately, issues with my brother have been picking up again, and I talk to him a lot. I have been talking to him more now too because of what I have been going through. He has relapsed with cocaine, but is trying to get back on track and hasn't relapsed with any other drugs. My parents have paid for a lot of his treatment and they are very in debt. My mother hangs this over his head and doesn't realize (or doesn't want to realize) that when she calls him, she always brings that up. But now he doesn't call her very often, and she has been insanely going between being worried and scareed that he is dead somewhere, and calling his friends and people he knows to find out where he is, and then being angry and saying that shes just not going to call him anymore (but that never happens.... she does this with other things too).
So I'm sorry this story is taking so long.
But so my mother calls me for help. Wants me to call my brother (who, even though I will tell my parents that he's doing ok or havign a hard time, I never betray his confidence) But then my mother gets mad at me for telling her the things that she has asked me to do. Or she will get mad at me if I tell her that the reason hedoesn't call her is because he's an idiot and being selfish right now because he's an addict and it's not about her. And she tells me that I have no idea what it's like becuase I don't have children (yet I spend so much time taking care of my brother - or caring for him and working with him) and I can't possibly know how hard this is for her and he doesn't love her and I don't love her, etc.
So today this was happening again on the phone, and I kept trying to tell her that just beacuse my brothers and I are physically far away doesn't mean we don't love her, and I kept asking her what I could do to make her believe that and she just kept going on and on in this totally passive aggressive way about how "she's just the bad mother and she's being a pain" and then getting mad at me and accusing me of whatever....
But then at one point she goes, "All I have is your father. We go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed, get up, and do the same thing every day. I have nothing. My kids don't love me, I just want my kids to be close" (and then I say but it's just our time now to be exploring and stuff... and she yells about "WEL L WHO IS PAYING FOR THAT?? and it's me, actually, but she thinks love and caring means only helping out with material things). And then she goes on to say that she thinks it would probably be better if she died and she has thought about killing herself and she and my father hav etalked about killing themselves together because they just have this house and their kids aren't around and there is no reason for them to be alive and but then the reason they don't do it is becaues they couldn't get insurance money if there were two suicides so maybe she should just kill herself and make it look like an accident so we could get more money. Now, I haven't talked to my father about this at all, but I don't know if I should be worried, or if I should just be looking at this as her usual way of making me feel bad / emotional abuse. And I have no idea what to do.
I am mad at her and scared for her but mostly mad at her and it makes me want to have less of a relationship with her, but the bottom line is that I cant f***ing believe that came out of her mouth and I don't believe it's true but I also believe that she really believes that we don't care about her.... But then I think of them having a conversation about committing suicide together when neither of them have ever thought like that, I can't believe that my father was a part of that conversation. I just don't know w hat to do.
I know she is worried about my youngest brother. I know she has empty nest syndrome. I know she needs love and care. I know why she does the things she does, but a line was crossed today that I just can't go back from but I also don't know how to move forward from. I don't know how to handle this situation.
My father's having hernia surgery tojmorrow so I won't be able to talk to him for a few days, just to get his side - and probably the real side -
So please, any opinions thoughts advice anything. I am just at a loss because it's so ridiculous but it's scary too. I hope this post made sense. I really need somebody to say something... I don't care what it is.....Please.
SP
(and it's a wonder I'm a f***ing addict too)
Wow sp my heart goes out to you, the fact that your mum is talking about a joint departure is very concerning but i was wondering if she is depressed? and not discussed it with your dad at all? either way a trip to the GP is a must for her/both. I kinda understand where she is coming from with reguards feeling redundant. It sure sounds like it has not been easy for either of them, and certainly not easy for you. As for what should you do thats a biggy, what i would do if i were in your situ is insist a GP check even attend with her (if possible) i guess thats about all anyone could do. It sounds like they are at witts end. I hope your dad recovers quickly and things get sorted. jaxxxxxxxx
SP, your Mom sounds alot like my Mom, and I don't know about you but it brings me down every time I talk to her, it sounds like when your Dad gets better you need to call him because quit frankly it sounds like your Mom needs some serious inpatient mental treatment, as my Mom does to, a couple of months ago, I started avoiding her calls and stopped going over to her house (2 blocks away) because she brought me sooooooooooooo down and I did not feel that it was safe for my recovery. I mean dont get me wrong she has alot of pain and problems too, but damn she was making me down and very paniky, one day she caught me on the phone and she was actually in a good mood, (she sounded pretty medicated, because her bubbliness was not normal) so we had a long conversation about how her depression needed some treatment and that as much as I loved her she was starting to turn into a trigger for me, and I was very gentle and careful the way I put it, but she said she understood and was very sorry, I told her that was why I was not talking to her much and things have gotten a little better. So here is my advise which may help and may not. Write her a letter and explain to her with care how she is making you feel, etc. and don't take her calls right now if she is messing with your recovery like my mom was with mine. I hope that helps. Our situations are very similar with the brothers too.
Felicia
106 days
One day at a time.
Felicia
106 days
One day at a time.
| QUOTE |
| And then she goes on to say that she thinks it would probably be better if she died and she has thought about killing herself and she and my father hav etalked about killing themselves together |
SP,
My mother's pulled that one for years. I'm sorry you're having to listen to it; your mother's being manipulative. My parents and I stopped speaking to each other in July of '04. Eight months later I was clean. I don't think that was a coincidence.
Of course, you must do what you think best for your situation; just be mindful when your emotions are being toyed with. It's all about appropriate boundaries and behaviors and you get to set those for yourself. Even with your mother.
Good luck with it. I don't envy you.
Love,
Gina
She sounds lonely to me.
Hi Bridget,
While being sad and scary, I agree with Gina. I would speak with your dad too about whether or not the joint suicide conversation really took place. She obviously is reaching out, but in a very dysfunctional way.
You just can't reason with some people. Does she have good days where you could have a real conversation about it as Anewlife mentions? Also, are you maybe codependant with your brother? Sometimes for our own health, we need to place ourselves first. Maybe even just a week or two of not taking calls from any of them while you sort it out would help.
Talk to your dad. See what he thinks. Don't risk your sobriety. Man, everyday I thank God for my mom. While she is a major character, she is still my best friend. I love to hang with her and she'll be 85 this year. A very cool old girl.
Good luck Bridget. Let us know how it goes.
Beck
While being sad and scary, I agree with Gina. I would speak with your dad too about whether or not the joint suicide conversation really took place. She obviously is reaching out, but in a very dysfunctional way.
You just can't reason with some people. Does she have good days where you could have a real conversation about it as Anewlife mentions? Also, are you maybe codependant with your brother? Sometimes for our own health, we need to place ourselves first. Maybe even just a week or two of not taking calls from any of them while you sort it out would help.
Talk to your dad. See what he thinks. Don't risk your sobriety. Man, everyday I thank God for my mom. While she is a major character, she is still my best friend. I love to hang with her and she'll be 85 this year. A very cool old girl.
Good luck Bridget. Let us know how it goes.
Beck
sp
your family situation is very similar to mine. i spent years accepting my moms guilt she tried to put on me as she is an addict who is very vindictive and manipulative.
my father molested me and she looked the other way.
i spent years trying to win his love too.
why? i guess thats how victims react.
the healthiest and hardest thing i had to do for my recovery per many counselors suggestions was to deatch from my entire family, siblings too.
i set boundaries with them and for that i am always punished by my mother with silent treatments.
we are all estranged again.
it bothers me cuz life is so short and i want and love my parents and family but my counselor says they are too sick to be of any help to me, it would be like someone with broken legs trying to teach you to walk.
i am much more at peace now without the daily guilt trips and manipulations that i allowed them to put me on.
i believe that is the same thing you are gonna have to do.
my moms cried suicide the whole bit, but its just manipulation. even if they did commit suicide its not our fault and you cant prevent it.
i enabled them for years and was their doormat, its up to you whether you want to be a doormat too.
its the hardest but healthiest thing i have ever done and i am so much more respected now even though we dont speak..
every one is acting out in their addictive behavior and as long as you allow it to happen to you it will affect your recovery and you will want to use.
like they say in NA:"sounds like a big order, so easy does it but do it!" jewels
your family situation is very similar to mine. i spent years accepting my moms guilt she tried to put on me as she is an addict who is very vindictive and manipulative.
my father molested me and she looked the other way.
i spent years trying to win his love too.
why? i guess thats how victims react.
the healthiest and hardest thing i had to do for my recovery per many counselors suggestions was to deatch from my entire family, siblings too.
i set boundaries with them and for that i am always punished by my mother with silent treatments.
we are all estranged again.
it bothers me cuz life is so short and i want and love my parents and family but my counselor says they are too sick to be of any help to me, it would be like someone with broken legs trying to teach you to walk.
i am much more at peace now without the daily guilt trips and manipulations that i allowed them to put me on.
i believe that is the same thing you are gonna have to do.
my moms cried suicide the whole bit, but its just manipulation. even if they did commit suicide its not our fault and you cant prevent it.
i enabled them for years and was their doormat, its up to you whether you want to be a doormat too.
its the hardest but healthiest thing i have ever done and i am so much more respected now even though we dont speak..
every one is acting out in their addictive behavior and as long as you allow it to happen to you it will affect your recovery and you will want to use.
like they say in NA:"sounds like a big order, so easy does it but do it!" jewels
SP and Jewels, Don't really have much to add in the way of advice. I have been living with the same problem with my family for years, too. My counselor told me to sever all ties, and I fired her for suggesting such an awful thing. LOL
But a few months later, when their dysfunctional madness nearly drove me over the edge, I ran back to her for advice, and this time followed her suggestions.
I haven't spoken with most of them since 10-04. I do allow my mother to scream at me for a few minutes every few months, but those conversations always end with me hanging up on her, and crying for hours at her cruelty.
She seems to think if she yells at me enough, the sexual abuse and her denial of it will disappear from all of our lives. How being sexually abused as a child ever became my fault is one I am still trying to figure out.
It wasn't until I walked away from them all that I was able to get clean, and no, I don't think it's a coincedence that we are all addicts, and that being out of our family's reach is good for our recovery.
My heart goes out to you, SP, and I wish there were words to make it all better. I would definitely talk to your father and get his take on things, and if there is anyway to get your mom to counseling, I would push for that. If she is like my mom, though, she will insist she doesn't need it. LOL
But a few months later, when their dysfunctional madness nearly drove me over the edge, I ran back to her for advice, and this time followed her suggestions.
I haven't spoken with most of them since 10-04. I do allow my mother to scream at me for a few minutes every few months, but those conversations always end with me hanging up on her, and crying for hours at her cruelty.
She seems to think if she yells at me enough, the sexual abuse and her denial of it will disappear from all of our lives. How being sexually abused as a child ever became my fault is one I am still trying to figure out.
It wasn't until I walked away from them all that I was able to get clean, and no, I don't think it's a coincedence that we are all addicts, and that being out of our family's reach is good for our recovery.
My heart goes out to you, SP, and I wish there were words to make it all better. I would definitely talk to your father and get his take on things, and if there is anyway to get your mom to counseling, I would push for that. If she is like my mom, though, she will insist she doesn't need it. LOL
Wow. I can't believe you all a) took the time to read all of that long and rambling post and b) totally get it. Thank god, because sometimes it makes me feel so insane, like, I'm talking to her and all of a sudden I'm like, "wait a minute, am I the one that's being totally ridiculous and crazy?" And it's good to know that, well, I'm not. And it sucks that all of you guys understand, but you REALLY understand.
A few things. I DEFINITELY need to talk to my Dad just to see if that conversatio n ever took place. I can't count on him to do anytihng but sort of - not belittle (that's what my Mom would do) - try and downplay it and how she is doing and how much help she needs. But having the information about whether or not that conversation took place is a must.
My therapist (2 of them, actually) have suggested that I write a letter. I have thought about this a lot, but my response to them has always been that no matter what I say, she's going to come back at me with, "That's right, it's all me, I'm a bad mother.." blah blah blah. And they have said that maybe it's not about her hearing it, it's about me writing it. So I'm still thinking about it....
Let's see. Yes, I'm probably definitely co-dependent with my brother. I don't enable him. In fact, I'm the only person in my family who can set any boundaries with him, but for sure I think I'm co-dependent with him. I have to figure out my relationship with him. But on the other hand, he's the only one who acknowledges what our family life was like when we were younger (it was good too, but nobody acknowledges the crap that went on), he gets what I'm going through now, and I also just want to have a normal relationship with him beyond our family and addiction and I dont know if that's possible right now, but we're trying to establish that. On the other hand, I totally thrive on thinking that I'm the only one who can get through to him, and that I parent him better than my parents do... so that's my problem.
I have thought about severing ties. The thought makes me feel relieved and sick at the same time. It's not my father. Or either of my brothers. But my mom. But then I'm afraid that she really MIGHT do something to herself instead of just using it as a guilt mechanism and a really abusive way of crying out for help. But I have SERIOUSLY thought about it andI don't know if I could do it, even if it would be the best thing for awhile. Maybe there's a middle ground.
She has been off and on meds. She doesn't "believe" in them and thinks they are ridiculous and that depression isn't a real illness, that she just has to pick up and go and turn to christ (Do you know what it's like trying to convince her that my having an anxiety/panic disorder is an actual real illness and not just because I'm not doing enough to make myself "happy" and that yes, I choose to be on medication because it works to help me figure out other parts about myself and grow, etc). Everything she does and says undermines me and then she comes back with an aoplogy and I love you's and that I'm a wonderful daughter.
She just bought me a plane ticket to go out and see them for a few days. But my partner was like, this isn'tr really about you, it's about her... She doesn't want to bring me home to make me happy, she wants me to make her happy, which I just can't do. I'm still going home because I do want a few days off and I really would like to hug my father, and maybe I can talk to her about some things then. I'm just tired of being her therapist, her nurse, her go-between, her chopping block and her punching bag.... and I'm tired of her not listening.
f***, I'm rambling again.
Oh and Danny, I KNOW she is lonely, but she doesn't DO anything about it, and she takes it out on us, and frankly, she needs to let her children grow up and not have a meltdown every time she doesn't hear from us in more than 3 days. She can't see her part in all of this.
I think I just needed to get this all out. It just sits with me and to know that you all understand really changes a lot. I am hearing what you are saying, for sure.. I just have to figure out where to go from this point on.... and figure out how to not let it affect my recovery (which is just starting)... Because the first thing I thought after getting off the phone with her was boy I wish I had a big handful of pills right now. But that thought passed pretty quickly (thank u suboxone) and I tried to just process it and ignore it for a little while with video games ;0
Thank you all again.... and thank you for your wishes for my Dad. I just talked to him and he sounded good. Throat all scratchy, but good.
Thanks.
B
A few things. I DEFINITELY need to talk to my Dad just to see if that conversatio n ever took place. I can't count on him to do anytihng but sort of - not belittle (that's what my Mom would do) - try and downplay it and how she is doing and how much help she needs. But having the information about whether or not that conversation took place is a must.
My therapist (2 of them, actually) have suggested that I write a letter. I have thought about this a lot, but my response to them has always been that no matter what I say, she's going to come back at me with, "That's right, it's all me, I'm a bad mother.." blah blah blah. And they have said that maybe it's not about her hearing it, it's about me writing it. So I'm still thinking about it....
Let's see. Yes, I'm probably definitely co-dependent with my brother. I don't enable him. In fact, I'm the only person in my family who can set any boundaries with him, but for sure I think I'm co-dependent with him. I have to figure out my relationship with him. But on the other hand, he's the only one who acknowledges what our family life was like when we were younger (it was good too, but nobody acknowledges the crap that went on), he gets what I'm going through now, and I also just want to have a normal relationship with him beyond our family and addiction and I dont know if that's possible right now, but we're trying to establish that. On the other hand, I totally thrive on thinking that I'm the only one who can get through to him, and that I parent him better than my parents do... so that's my problem.
I have thought about severing ties. The thought makes me feel relieved and sick at the same time. It's not my father. Or either of my brothers. But my mom. But then I'm afraid that she really MIGHT do something to herself instead of just using it as a guilt mechanism and a really abusive way of crying out for help. But I have SERIOUSLY thought about it andI don't know if I could do it, even if it would be the best thing for awhile. Maybe there's a middle ground.
She has been off and on meds. She doesn't "believe" in them and thinks they are ridiculous and that depression isn't a real illness, that she just has to pick up and go and turn to christ (Do you know what it's like trying to convince her that my having an anxiety/panic disorder is an actual real illness and not just because I'm not doing enough to make myself "happy" and that yes, I choose to be on medication because it works to help me figure out other parts about myself and grow, etc). Everything she does and says undermines me and then she comes back with an aoplogy and I love you's and that I'm a wonderful daughter.
She just bought me a plane ticket to go out and see them for a few days. But my partner was like, this isn'tr really about you, it's about her... She doesn't want to bring me home to make me happy, she wants me to make her happy, which I just can't do. I'm still going home because I do want a few days off and I really would like to hug my father, and maybe I can talk to her about some things then. I'm just tired of being her therapist, her nurse, her go-between, her chopping block and her punching bag.... and I'm tired of her not listening.
f***, I'm rambling again.
Oh and Danny, I KNOW she is lonely, but she doesn't DO anything about it, and she takes it out on us, and frankly, she needs to let her children grow up and not have a meltdown every time she doesn't hear from us in more than 3 days. She can't see her part in all of this.
I think I just needed to get this all out. It just sits with me and to know that you all understand really changes a lot. I am hearing what you are saying, for sure.. I just have to figure out where to go from this point on.... and figure out how to not let it affect my recovery (which is just starting)... Because the first thing I thought after getting off the phone with her was boy I wish I had a big handful of pills right now. But that thought passed pretty quickly (thank u suboxone) and I tried to just process it and ignore it for a little while with video games ;0
Thank you all again.... and thank you for your wishes for my Dad. I just talked to him and he sounded good. Throat all scratchy, but good.
Thanks.
B
SoulP,
For what its worth thought id throw my two cents in..
Whether your Mother actually had this conversation with your Dad doesnt seem to me, to be as important as how serious she is about thinking life would be better to end hers..
I dont think any of us should second guess any actual statements, comments or threats of wanting to die..
Having said that however...You know your Mom better then most, so you would know how her relationship with God is, and how she would perceive suicide fitting in that picture.. ( obviously many very religious think its a mortal sin to commit suicide, and think they would never make it to heaven if they were to do that..)
You have to try to imagine what its like to be your Mom.. Im sure as a young girl she grew up full of hope and promise, believing in love and wanting all the things that most young women dream of, a loving husband, some children, a house....a happy family..
One day she wakes up to find that some 20 odd years have passed, her children are all grown up and out of the house, and she is left alone with a man that- after decades of alcohol abuse and co-dependency...she no longer really knows on a one to one basis....the children are no longer there to focus on- and as far as your Dad goes....other then being her children's Father- she may not know how to identify with him in any other capacity...
Its much easier to be stay in a bubble of codependency, sweeping things under the rug "for the sake of the children" but now that her children are gone..she is probably finding herself sitting across the table from a man that she really doesnt know anymore....and that in itself would be terrifying and lonely..
Remind your Mom that the fact that all her kids are out of the house and living their lives means she did her job...that was the goal...to get your children to that point...where they can provide for themselves and go their own way....if you were all still living at home..it would mean she didnt do her job as a Mother..
I would also make sure you go to the Dr with her...see whichever Dr is providing her the meds..is she on them or off them? If she is having panic disorders and is being treated with Valium ( IMO not a good Tx..only a band-aid measure ) then maybe its bringing her to an even deeper state of depression...Valium can do that...and if she already has a serotonin imbalance ...and isnt treating that...well..not a good combination...
Hard being the middle child isnt it? lol..I actually remember an addiction counselor saying that the majority of pill abusers in his practise were " peace keepers, and pleasers...often the middle child trying to keep everyone else happy...
It really sounds like your Mom needs some help to find her new role in the world, she really sounds lost, so try not to take it personally and just know this is a cry for help the only way she knows how...
Try to help her through this, but take care of yourself and your heart while you do it...your still raw and vulnerable yourself...
Hugs
Ali
For what its worth thought id throw my two cents in..
Whether your Mother actually had this conversation with your Dad doesnt seem to me, to be as important as how serious she is about thinking life would be better to end hers..
I dont think any of us should second guess any actual statements, comments or threats of wanting to die..
Having said that however...You know your Mom better then most, so you would know how her relationship with God is, and how she would perceive suicide fitting in that picture.. ( obviously many very religious think its a mortal sin to commit suicide, and think they would never make it to heaven if they were to do that..)
You have to try to imagine what its like to be your Mom.. Im sure as a young girl she grew up full of hope and promise, believing in love and wanting all the things that most young women dream of, a loving husband, some children, a house....a happy family..
One day she wakes up to find that some 20 odd years have passed, her children are all grown up and out of the house, and she is left alone with a man that- after decades of alcohol abuse and co-dependency...she no longer really knows on a one to one basis....the children are no longer there to focus on- and as far as your Dad goes....other then being her children's Father- she may not know how to identify with him in any other capacity...
Its much easier to be stay in a bubble of codependency, sweeping things under the rug "for the sake of the children" but now that her children are gone..she is probably finding herself sitting across the table from a man that she really doesnt know anymore....and that in itself would be terrifying and lonely..
Remind your Mom that the fact that all her kids are out of the house and living their lives means she did her job...that was the goal...to get your children to that point...where they can provide for themselves and go their own way....if you were all still living at home..it would mean she didnt do her job as a Mother..
I would also make sure you go to the Dr with her...see whichever Dr is providing her the meds..is she on them or off them? If she is having panic disorders and is being treated with Valium ( IMO not a good Tx..only a band-aid measure ) then maybe its bringing her to an even deeper state of depression...Valium can do that...and if she already has a serotonin imbalance ...and isnt treating that...well..not a good combination...
Hard being the middle child isnt it? lol..I actually remember an addiction counselor saying that the majority of pill abusers in his practise were " peace keepers, and pleasers...often the middle child trying to keep everyone else happy...
It really sounds like your Mom needs some help to find her new role in the world, she really sounds lost, so try not to take it personally and just know this is a cry for help the only way she knows how...
Try to help her through this, but take care of yourself and your heart while you do it...your still raw and vulnerable yourself...
Hugs
Ali
The problem is she is going on and off meds. Or atleast that's one problem.
That's a frickin' awful rollercoaster...i've done it.
I'm on meds, and they help me so much, but my husband on the other hand does not believe in them, sometimes kinda b****** at me for paying 100 bucks a month on just my two medications (not counting sub) ..... but I feel I do need them, and am just glad i found something that works.
Does your mom see a therapist? Do you think she would ever consider maying just going to one and seeing how she likes it?
This has got to be so stressful for you. I really don't have too much advice to offer cause i've never been in that situation. But i'm here for you all the same!
Take care of yourself for now, and I think the trip will be a good thing for you.
Love
Stac
That's a frickin' awful rollercoaster...i've done it.
I'm on meds, and they help me so much, but my husband on the other hand does not believe in them, sometimes kinda b****** at me for paying 100 bucks a month on just my two medications (not counting sub) ..... but I feel I do need them, and am just glad i found something that works.
Does your mom see a therapist? Do you think she would ever consider maying just going to one and seeing how she likes it?
This has got to be so stressful for you. I really don't have too much advice to offer cause i've never been in that situation. But i'm here for you all the same!
Take care of yourself for now, and I think the trip will be a good thing for you.
Love
Stac
dear bridget ~
one of the "tools" i utilize in my recovery toolbox is reading daily recovery related material. a favorite recovery author whose words/thoughts ring true to my heart is melody beattie.
some of you may know melody's story; however, to make a long story short, melody was a prescription drug addict, just like us.
after perusing some of your recently posted messages i thought this and the one that follows is worthy to post.
this is from her book "the language of letting go." if you have not had an opportunity to read any of melody's books, i suggest a visit to your library. you will find them in the 'self help' section.
i hope there is something within these passages that helps you or someone today.
hugs and much love to all ~
sammy
Flack from Setting Boundaries
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
--Beyond Codependency
When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
one of the "tools" i utilize in my recovery toolbox is reading daily recovery related material. a favorite recovery author whose words/thoughts ring true to my heart is melody beattie.
some of you may know melody's story; however, to make a long story short, melody was a prescription drug addict, just like us.
after perusing some of your recently posted messages i thought this and the one that follows is worthy to post.
this is from her book "the language of letting go." if you have not had an opportunity to read any of melody's books, i suggest a visit to your library. you will find them in the 'self help' section.
i hope there is something within these passages that helps you or someone today.
hugs and much love to all ~
sammy
Flack from Setting Boundaries
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
--Beyond Codependency
When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
family buttons
"i was thirty-five years old the first time i spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. i was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe i was doing this. i found i didn't have to be mean. i didn't have to start an argument. but i could say what i wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. i learned i could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way i wanted to - not the way she wanted me to." anonymous
who knows better how to push our buttons than family members?
who, besides family members, do we give such power?
no matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. one telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. that's uncomfortable, but good. it is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
the process of detaching in love from family members can take years. so can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. we cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. how we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. we can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
we can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. we can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. we can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. we can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. help me know that i do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
"i was thirty-five years old the first time i spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. i was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe i was doing this. i found i didn't have to be mean. i didn't have to start an argument. but i could say what i wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. i learned i could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way i wanted to - not the way she wanted me to." anonymous
who knows better how to push our buttons than family members?
who, besides family members, do we give such power?
no matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. one telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. that's uncomfortable, but good. it is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
the process of detaching in love from family members can take years. so can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. we cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. how we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. we can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
we can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. we can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. we can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. we can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. help me know that i do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
Soul
Where'd ya go??lol
Hope everything is okay..
Sammy's below quote really spoke to me, but I replace "some people" as the "addictive voice" that little voice may get upset at the changes and may speak out once in a while but it can be ignored and ignored until hopefully it gets bored of bugging me and leaves for good..lol
"When we own our power to take care of ourselves -- set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern -- we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves."
TGIF...what a week...
Hope your okay
A
Sorry,
I was sleeping today - body still messed up from working Wednesday night.
It's interesting to me - my Mom's favorite book is "The Language of Letting Go" hahaha. God.
I need to not let that affect my opinion of Melody Beattie's writings because both of those posts (thanks cowgirl and sammy) really resonated with me. Incredible.
And Ali, what you said about my Mother being alone with my father when they have unresolved issued and when most of her attention had been focused on her kids and now that's not in her immediate framework, she's not really sure what to do with herself. My parents have their own little life and they seem like they are pretty content most of the time (and denial works for them most of the time). But it makes sense and I had never really thought about it before Ali....
I also need to not let this takeover because it has the potential to and I have to let it go for at least a little while so I can focus on the work I have to do for school and finishing another course that I have been stalling on for months (and focusing on not letting it eat at me until I want to use).
Bah. Thanks all....
And THANK YOU for those passages...
Bridget
I was sleeping today - body still messed up from working Wednesday night.
It's interesting to me - my Mom's favorite book is "The Language of Letting Go" hahaha. God.
I need to not let that affect my opinion of Melody Beattie's writings because both of those posts (thanks cowgirl and sammy) really resonated with me. Incredible.
And Ali, what you said about my Mother being alone with my father when they have unresolved issued and when most of her attention had been focused on her kids and now that's not in her immediate framework, she's not really sure what to do with herself. My parents have their own little life and they seem like they are pretty content most of the time (and denial works for them most of the time). But it makes sense and I had never really thought about it before Ali....
I also need to not let this takeover because it has the potential to and I have to let it go for at least a little while so I can focus on the work I have to do for school and finishing another course that I have been stalling on for months (and focusing on not letting it eat at me until I want to use).
Bah. Thanks all....
And THANK YOU for those passages...
Bridget
SP..I emailed you as you requested and didn't hear back, did you get it?
After reading your story, it reminded me so much of just about everyone's families...in one way or another.
I had to learn to set bounderies with mine. They liked me better when I was using because I then took care of everything. They didn't like the new and improved version who wasn't willing to put up with the bs. Once I took a step back, things started to change. I had to be willing to put my sobriety first, them second. This doesn't include my immediate family as much as it does my mother, father, sister etc...with my kids, it's a whole nuther ball game.
I feel so bad for anyone that has to deal with that kind of family pain.
Cowgirl
After reading your story, it reminded me so much of just about everyone's families...in one way or another.
I had to learn to set bounderies with mine. They liked me better when I was using because I then took care of everything. They didn't like the new and improved version who wasn't willing to put up with the bs. Once I took a step back, things started to change. I had to be willing to put my sobriety first, them second. This doesn't include my immediate family as much as it does my mother, father, sister etc...with my kids, it's a whole nuther ball game.
I feel so bad for anyone that has to deal with that kind of family pain.
Cowgirl
Bridget, ya, check with Dad to see if they really had that conversation. It's doubtful If they did, both need help.
My Mom was like that kind of. She would do the old ""Woe is Me!" routine all the time. "Why don't you call", "why don'y you visit", when in fact I was calling her a lot. 3-4 times a week to check that she was ok and shoot the breeze for a couple of minutes.
When I told her I was moving to Florida, I thought she would stick her head in the oven.
It just got worse after I had kids, as they became part of it too..near then end of her life though, we (or I) did go there a lot. One of my brothers or sisters went there almost every day. Thing was, 2 days before she dies, I talked to her. The next day, I called, no answer, got distracted by work or whatever and assumed she went to the store, 3rd day, stopped by and she had died. As they get on in years it's probably a good idea to check on them once a day and if no answer, called back or go there if possible.
However, Mom's life can't be totally wrapped up in the kids lives.
My Mom was like that kind of. She would do the old ""Woe is Me!" routine all the time. "Why don't you call", "why don'y you visit", when in fact I was calling her a lot. 3-4 times a week to check that she was ok and shoot the breeze for a couple of minutes.
When I told her I was moving to Florida, I thought she would stick her head in the oven.
It just got worse after I had kids, as they became part of it too..near then end of her life though, we (or I) did go there a lot. One of my brothers or sisters went there almost every day. Thing was, 2 days before she dies, I talked to her. The next day, I called, no answer, got distracted by work or whatever and assumed she went to the store, 3rd day, stopped by and she had died. As they get on in years it's probably a good idea to check on them once a day and if no answer, called back or go there if possible.
However, Mom's life can't be totally wrapped up in the kids lives.
Danny - oh my god that is like the story of my life. Woooooooooo.
