Am I ever glad I found this site! I am a 24 year old pot head that has been smoking since I was 17. I have been telling myself for 4 years, yes, FOUR WHOLE YEARS, that it is ruining my life by slowing me down and preventing me from doing what I really dream of doing. I have been telling myself every day that I want to quit. I know I need to. I know I want to. Yet, every day I can't wait to get off work and go roll a hoot. Then I roll it, get high, maybe roll another, get higher, and then think.....(I do alot of that in my head when I'm high....I do it alone most of the time)...I think about how stupid I am for doing this again, and how I could be out doing this or that, or all the money I could have if I didn't smoke....then I think about the world and all the things I think are wrong with it, and I think about myself and how I've wasted my life so far, I think of all things I could have done...and then I get all depressed and roll another one! It's a vicous battle in my head that I'm really getting sick of! I know I need help, but I just can't seem to get there. I've isolated myself from mostly everyone. Through the week as soon as I'm done work, I'm getting high. On the weekends, that's all I do. I get up the morning, roll a few, smoke 'em, and then in a few hours, roll a few more. I hate it. Then I ask myself "If you hate it, why are you still doing it every single day???" And if I can't answer that to myself, how do I answer it to anyone else? How can you want to quit, know you need to quit, yet still just go and do it??? I think I also have a problem with depression (that I have never addressed) which I think is definitely linked with marijuana abuse. I find myself smoking alot because I'm depressed alot, yet when I smoke, it depresses me even more. Does this makes sense to anyone else? Should I consult a Doctor before quitting? (trying to quit I mean) I have only really tried to quit once. I found it too hard. I felt I wasn't strong enough mentally to do it, and went right back to smoking within 2 days. Anyway, enough rambling. Like I said, I'm glad I found this site as I don't feel so alone anymore. (felt good to get all that out...thanks!)
Yeah, it's me again. Umm...just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can get started on quitting? Does the time just come? I've been wanting to do this for 4 yrs (and haven't yet). I keep saying "tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes. I find when I tell myself "Okay, THIS is the last bag" that it disappears twice as fast and then I'm wanting more because the "last" bag didn't last as long as I thought it would. I mean, I feel as though I could stay stuck in this place forever and I don't want to be here!!! I've done everything I can think of...I've made lists of reasons why to quit and posted them at home, I've gone on the internet and printed off numerous articles related to quitting marijuana, and all the sypmtoms related with detox, and I have the conversation in my head every night on why I should quit....HOW DO YOU GET PAST THIS PART??? I feel like I've been admitting to myself that I need help for far too long. I need to DO something about it. But what? And how?
Well, Becca, your routine is very similar to mine at age 24 (I began smoking at about age 16 or 17). I stayed in that same holding pattern until I was 34. As bad as it is now, I promise you that it can get much worse. Much of what you described, i.e., taking a fatalistic viewpoint and essentially giving up and smoking is nothing more than your compulsions rationalizing your using.
Becca, the first step is to acknowledge the nature of what you are dealing with. The second is to ask yourself just how far you are willing to go to be rid of this problem.
I have placed a link at the bottom of this post. Why dont you browse around that web site for awhile and then come back and let us know how you are doing.
Good luck
August
http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/
Becca, the first step is to acknowledge the nature of what you are dealing with. The second is to ask yourself just how far you are willing to go to be rid of this problem.
I have placed a link at the bottom of this post. Why dont you browse around that web site for awhile and then come back and let us know how you are doing.
Good luck
August
http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/
Thanks August! I've been reading other posts, and you seem to be a very caring, helpful person to have around. Again, thank-you.
hi becca- welcome here! you ask 'how do you get past the first part' the letting go. i think it's taking a big leap of faith. it's not easy and so many of the habits are ingrained in your day to day. as well as what you wrote about smoking alone, which i totally relate to and is my hardest challenge in keeping clean. i try to keep busy. further i'm not pro but i think you should see a psych. dr. to deal with the depression and whatever anxiety if any you may experience with withdrawl. i think you should go for it. i can't say i regret most of my time using till it got out of control at 47. i wasn't smoking alone at your age but a few years later i was. i wish i knew now what you already know. smoking alone is not good. kiss of lonliness for a long time to come. hard to come back from that. trust me.
good luck to you.
keep posting, it helps SO much!
peace-
jane
good luck to you.
keep posting, it helps SO much!
peace-
jane
Thanks Jane. It's funny how you say you wish you knew now what I already know....every day I think to myself "I am a smart girl...I know better...so why am I too stupid to do anything about it??" Anyway, no accomplishments yet, but I will keep you posted. Take care!
I suck. Went to pay my bill off from last week, and ended up coming home with more. Had it in my mind that I was really going to try this time.........I'm such a disappointment to myself....and others, I'm sure....TTYL.....hopefully I'll have positive stuff to say next time....take care all. (and better luck to you than I am having)
Becca,
Please Dear don't beat yourself up about it. You can always start fresh with a new day. There have been soo many times in the past when i did exactly the same thing. I have lost precious years and its really getting down to the wire. I hope it doesn't take getting to no time left before you consider seriously quitting.
One little hint for you is you aren't really quitting if you don't get rid of ALL your paraphenalia. and don't try to quit still owing your dealer money, or let someone else go pay the bill. These to things and being able to just hibernate through alot of the terrible time was the only reason i made it even one day. Sure I had said i quit before but let me tell ya I had NEVER went so far as to smash all my glass treasures. I did give in the next day after that and i smoked out of a pop can but it was nasty and gross and it didn't do much because i was used to big bong hits. Then the guilt slammed into me and i decided i have another chance. As long as I wake up tommorrow I can choose to change this habit as I have others. I am coming up on a full month now and sure I feel kinda cocky but I'm also terrified that I might be weak and ruin all i have worked for. Writing on the board has been such a huge motivator for me and I hope you will continue on your journey to sobriety here. I have found so much support and I know you will too. Thinking of you often and thank you for your honesty.
Me
Please Dear don't beat yourself up about it. You can always start fresh with a new day. There have been soo many times in the past when i did exactly the same thing. I have lost precious years and its really getting down to the wire. I hope it doesn't take getting to no time left before you consider seriously quitting.
One little hint for you is you aren't really quitting if you don't get rid of ALL your paraphenalia. and don't try to quit still owing your dealer money, or let someone else go pay the bill. These to things and being able to just hibernate through alot of the terrible time was the only reason i made it even one day. Sure I had said i quit before but let me tell ya I had NEVER went so far as to smash all my glass treasures. I did give in the next day after that and i smoked out of a pop can but it was nasty and gross and it didn't do much because i was used to big bong hits. Then the guilt slammed into me and i decided i have another chance. As long as I wake up tommorrow I can choose to change this habit as I have others. I am coming up on a full month now and sure I feel kinda cocky but I'm also terrified that I might be weak and ruin all i have worked for. Writing on the board has been such a huge motivator for me and I hope you will continue on your journey to sobriety here. I have found so much support and I know you will too. Thinking of you often and thank you for your honesty.
Me
Becca,
You come accross as a very bright lady. You also remind me of myself. I did exactly the same as you, the thinking and circular/punishing self thing. Loving/hating it, wanting/not wanting it. Being controlled by it. Feeling i couldnt go without.
You have done evrything right. Research on the net, lists round your house, thoughts about seeing the Dr or Psych. I am a psychologist! HUH!?? But i was (probably still am, only time will tell, 9 days off it) a slave to it and it is still in my head. The mind is a funny thing. But it's so powerful, all you have to do is harness it and make it believe that you WITHOUT IT . You can. I can. I am right now. I am still alive, i'm ok, i'm not too down. So can you be. Believe in you. I hope to God i don't start patronising, it comes from my heart i feel so much empathy and you sound so nice, i just want to help.
Once you start to believe that you can't live without it, then you probably won't be able to. Some other possts (i think under contemplation) have touched on that. I guess you have already read them. It's taken me 2 nights' to read them all.
The first thing i would suggest (and it's just that) is try to remember what you were like before you ever somked it. How did you manage all those years without it? were you ok? was it good? yOU CAN GET BACK TO THAT. So can i, and so can jane, and riki and rubi.
You have lived without it before, so you can again.
Next, keep trying. There's no "right" time to stop. Only you (and me for me) can do it. For me, it took a near death experience. I hope you don't have to get that bad.
Next, if you "fail", even after a few hours/days/weeks/months, you did NOT fail. You succeeded because you managed to stop for that amount of time. Next time you may (hopefully) go longer, feel a bit better, find other things to do, other ways to fill that void. It happened for me, maybe it will for you.
Nothing is inevitable. PLease, please take faith and hope from all the messages here. I have, and i think all of us have. Look at the others here, rubie, august, sam, riki, jane. If they can, i can, you can. It's true. There must be life after it. I absolutely bloody insist on it. So there!!
But if you go back to it, please don't hate yourself so much. It was a success in its own right, for 2 days you went without, so that is a success.
I understand about buying last bags. I did that last year. I did 12 days then slipped, and went back with vengence. The last bag went on, and i got more. It sucked me in.
Allow youself to get angry with it.
The last advice might sound hard. I've recenlt done a positive thinking course. It's shown me that if we expect to feel crap, then usually we do feel crap. Other posts have touched on this too. Try to experiment with thinking "when i stop, i will still be me" and "i will cope". Affirmations and postive self talk helped me a lot.
That's it . Keep posting no matter what you do, cus this place is just great.
Lotsa love from cccold crappy England
smokefreex
You come accross as a very bright lady. You also remind me of myself. I did exactly the same as you, the thinking and circular/punishing self thing. Loving/hating it, wanting/not wanting it. Being controlled by it. Feeling i couldnt go without.
You have done evrything right. Research on the net, lists round your house, thoughts about seeing the Dr or Psych. I am a psychologist! HUH!?? But i was (probably still am, only time will tell, 9 days off it) a slave to it and it is still in my head. The mind is a funny thing. But it's so powerful, all you have to do is harness it and make it believe that you WITHOUT IT . You can. I can. I am right now. I am still alive, i'm ok, i'm not too down. So can you be. Believe in you. I hope to God i don't start patronising, it comes from my heart i feel so much empathy and you sound so nice, i just want to help.
Once you start to believe that you can't live without it, then you probably won't be able to. Some other possts (i think under contemplation) have touched on that. I guess you have already read them. It's taken me 2 nights' to read them all.
The first thing i would suggest (and it's just that) is try to remember what you were like before you ever somked it. How did you manage all those years without it? were you ok? was it good? yOU CAN GET BACK TO THAT. So can i, and so can jane, and riki and rubi.
You have lived without it before, so you can again.
Next, keep trying. There's no "right" time to stop. Only you (and me for me) can do it. For me, it took a near death experience. I hope you don't have to get that bad.
Next, if you "fail", even after a few hours/days/weeks/months, you did NOT fail. You succeeded because you managed to stop for that amount of time. Next time you may (hopefully) go longer, feel a bit better, find other things to do, other ways to fill that void. It happened for me, maybe it will for you.
Nothing is inevitable. PLease, please take faith and hope from all the messages here. I have, and i think all of us have. Look at the others here, rubie, august, sam, riki, jane. If they can, i can, you can. It's true. There must be life after it. I absolutely bloody insist on it. So there!!
But if you go back to it, please don't hate yourself so much. It was a success in its own right, for 2 days you went without, so that is a success.
I understand about buying last bags. I did that last year. I did 12 days then slipped, and went back with vengence. The last bag went on, and i got more. It sucked me in.
Allow youself to get angry with it.
The last advice might sound hard. I've recenlt done a positive thinking course. It's shown me that if we expect to feel crap, then usually we do feel crap. Other posts have touched on this too. Try to experiment with thinking "when i stop, i will still be me" and "i will cope". Affirmations and postive self talk helped me a lot.
That's it . Keep posting no matter what you do, cus this place is just great.
Lotsa love from cccold crappy England
smokefreex
Thanks for the posts guys! It's really comforting to know that you are all out there! Smokefree12, you say to think back to when I wasn't smoking dope...to think about how I got along "all those years" without it....trouble is, that puts me back to being a kid again. I'm only 24. I actually do think about it quite often. But the thing is, I can't picture how my life is going to be without it, because as an adult, it's the only thing I know. I don't know how to be a normal adult that does not smoke up every day. I've never done it. I can remember being a carefree kid, a somewhat touble-free teen, but then POOF! A big cloud of smoke came and hasn't left (yet). In some ways I'm scared. I was extremely sheltered and greatly overprotected while growing up, thus making me feel that I did not learn as many "life" skills as my peers, and then started smoking pot and isolating myself, which added to that problem. I have low self esteem and hardly any self confidence, and sometimes feel "out of place" around people. This I can always remember feeling (even before smoking) so it makes me nervous to think that these things may be obstacles for me while I'm trying to quit. (sigh) The thing that scares me most is that in order to quit, I feel that I must address all of my problems at once in order to do it right. I don't know if I can handle it. (I'm not very strong emotionally either) And to AndEverythingAfter, thanks for your tips! They should come in handy. (hopefully sooner than later) To all those in this board: Keep it up! You all seem to be doing well, and helping each other so much! Peace to you all!
Hi Becca,
I have just found this website too and I was so pleased to find out i'm not alone in my addiction to pot. I am 28 and have been smoking on a daily basis for nearly 10 years. I have also suffered from depression since my teens and I know the pot has probably just made it worse but still I can't stop.
I do think you should talk to your Dr if you can as they could maybe offer you some counselling. I have had various therapists and counsellors over the years and when you find the right one they can help you make the first steps.
Unfortunately, in England there's not much money put into mental health resources ( I was only allowed 12 sessions of counselling) and there are so many class A addicts here that if you want help to stop smoking pot it's not easy to find.
Anyway, now I have found this site maybe we can all help each other.
I have just found this website too and I was so pleased to find out i'm not alone in my addiction to pot. I am 28 and have been smoking on a daily basis for nearly 10 years. I have also suffered from depression since my teens and I know the pot has probably just made it worse but still I can't stop.
I do think you should talk to your Dr if you can as they could maybe offer you some counselling. I have had various therapists and counsellors over the years and when you find the right one they can help you make the first steps.
Unfortunately, in England there's not much money put into mental health resources ( I was only allowed 12 sessions of counselling) and there are so many class A addicts here that if you want help to stop smoking pot it's not easy to find.
Anyway, now I have found this site maybe we can all help each other.
Well, I'm not doing very well at all. I had to go to the dealer again to pay another old bill, and did not come home empty handed. Of course, now I owe again. It's an endless cycle. I have extra money coming up in a week, so I think I will go and get paid up to date, so I can concentrate on quitting and not have to worry about going back there!!! (plus every time I go there, it's a smoke fest!) Sorry to let anyone down, but my heart is still wanting to be where you are all at! Stay strong! (I will learn how sooooooon...............)
Becca,
Hearing what you are going through is like reading a print out from my head! I have exactly the same problem in that I don't know how to be an adult who doesn't smoke every day. It is not that I haven't kept working, and been quite a high achiever, but I really don't know how to function without reaching for the tin when i get in at night.
I am lucky enough to have been referred to a counsellor, having finally made the jump and confessed all to the doctor. The doctor was surprisingly understanding and I would think about it if you are serious about stopping. The only trouble for me is that I have become far more depressed now it has become "a big issue," and I am in a blind panic about the reality of stopping. I have to wait to get to see a counsellor, and am actually finding it a lot harder now I have admitted my problem than I was finding it whilst numbing everything with green.
I suppose I kind of hoped that once I told the doctor i would be given a magic pill to make everything OK but no, they saw me for the addict I am and told me I would end up dependant on what they gave me instead. It means I am now trying to cut back by buying a fraction of what me and my gf usually go through. It is not going well and I feel like reverting back to the big bags, if nothing else to save my relationship.
I still love weed, I love smelling it, looking at, sampling the first spliff from a new bag....but I hate my paranoia, my inability to make decisions and the pained expression on mine and my grilfriends faces when we haven't been able to smoke.
I'm rambling again - I'm certainly going to give a counsellor plenty to work on once I do get an appointment! I wish you all the best of luck and i hope that you come back and report on your progress - and really hope to have some progress of my own to report...
Hearing what you are going through is like reading a print out from my head! I have exactly the same problem in that I don't know how to be an adult who doesn't smoke every day. It is not that I haven't kept working, and been quite a high achiever, but I really don't know how to function without reaching for the tin when i get in at night.
I am lucky enough to have been referred to a counsellor, having finally made the jump and confessed all to the doctor. The doctor was surprisingly understanding and I would think about it if you are serious about stopping. The only trouble for me is that I have become far more depressed now it has become "a big issue," and I am in a blind panic about the reality of stopping. I have to wait to get to see a counsellor, and am actually finding it a lot harder now I have admitted my problem than I was finding it whilst numbing everything with green.
I suppose I kind of hoped that once I told the doctor i would be given a magic pill to make everything OK but no, they saw me for the addict I am and told me I would end up dependant on what they gave me instead. It means I am now trying to cut back by buying a fraction of what me and my gf usually go through. It is not going well and I feel like reverting back to the big bags, if nothing else to save my relationship.
I still love weed, I love smelling it, looking at, sampling the first spliff from a new bag....but I hate my paranoia, my inability to make decisions and the pained expression on mine and my grilfriends faces when we haven't been able to smoke.
I'm rambling again - I'm certainly going to give a counsellor plenty to work on once I do get an appointment! I wish you all the best of luck and i hope that you come back and report on your progress - and really hope to have some progress of my own to report...
Wow, Becca you are just like me! I am 23 and have been smoking since college. The wonderful habit I took with me when I left. I haven't had any success quitting. I really want to as well. But, I feel like I am stuck in this routine and without it, I don't know what I would do. I think I am afraid of change, and I swear I haven't progressed since school. There is so much I want to do with my life, I am so young. There is so much I could do on the weekend instead of smoking. Does it really make movies more funny? Does it really improve concerts? Do I really need to smoke to go to the mall? I have a full time job that pays well and the benefits are great and it isn't anywhere near what I want to be doing. I have been with the same guy for 5 years and we are so much in love that we are dependent on each other. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't propose and he doesn't want to move out of this life. But, I feel so stifled here and I want more. I need to break free. Quitting smoking would help so much. I want to see what else is out there because I don't know me anymore. I want to know me not high. I have so much potential. All I am doing is smoking it away. I need to be pushed. I need to be pushed hard.
Sara, thanks for your note. I will offer that if you are waiting for an outside force to push you to quit, I suspect you can measure wait in years if not decades. I really liked pot. While I occassionally toyed with the idea of quiting, for the most part it was engrained in me as an inherent aspect of my life and my lifestyle. Like you, I really felt I needed it to breath color into my life. Paradoxically, at the end of my using career, most of the color and vibrancy had been sapped right out of my daily life.
If you are an addict, you risk losing everything you place ahead of getting clean. You will have to settle for a mediocre work life, and a mediocre romantice life. These aspects of life suffer when they are in a love triangle with the pot.
No one can provide the motivation to quit pot except you. If you are like me, you will probably continue to use until the pain of using exceeds the benefits you get from the pot. For your sake, I hope you are not like me.
August
If you are an addict, you risk losing everything you place ahead of getting clean. You will have to settle for a mediocre work life, and a mediocre romantice life. These aspects of life suffer when they are in a love triangle with the pot.
No one can provide the motivation to quit pot except you. If you are like me, you will probably continue to use until the pain of using exceeds the benefits you get from the pot. For your sake, I hope you are not like me.
August
Hey everyone...just wanted to let you know that I'm still around. I just haven't felt like posting, as I don't have any success stories yet. I feel angry with myself for not giving it 100%. I sit here and I read through all the posts, and feel guilty. I tell everyone I want to quit, but here I am. Still doing what I say I don't want to do. It's almost like I feel "dirty" coming to this "clean" site, where everyone is OFF the dope. But, I do continue to come here, because even though my attempts to quit so far have been rewardless, reading experiences from other people really does help. When people start listing all the benefits of NOT smoking (ie. My memory is coming back!) it really triggers my motivation. I mean, it's like Sara sort of said...I'm tired of not knowing who "I" am anymore. Well, now that I've vented, I feel a little better. I will post again soon, hopefully with some sort of accomplishment under my belt. Best of luck to you all, and keep up the excellent efforts!
Becca, please continue to post. Keep trying to get sober. If you just cannot stay off the stuff, you might want to read through some of the old posts and consider more drastic measures to get clean.
FWIW, my guess is that the vast majority of lurkers out there are still using--many are ashamed to post. The first step to getting clean is admitting that we have a problem.
Good luck,
August
FWIW, my guess is that the vast majority of lurkers out there are still using--many are ashamed to post. The first step to getting clean is admitting that we have a problem.
Good luck,
August
hey becca i have been trying to do the same thing, kick this all to excepted habit.
Icome from Vancouver island British columbia, and it can be a bit excessive around here.
i try and tell myself i will quit when the time is right, but when?
it seems i throw on a little Sublime, kick back and think s*** this aint that bad.
But now my girlfriends pregnant and i lied and told her i quit (or she would leave me) and know i am just hiding it. pathetic.
i want change and grow but how do we adjust?
its like trying to walk again after flying for so long. but my worst fear is that i amgonna be one of those dads who sneaks into the woods at my kids sports games and come out stinking like OTTO's jacket.
oh well we are all in the same boat, its kind of like switching seats on the titanic. good luck to us
Icome from Vancouver island British columbia, and it can be a bit excessive around here.
i try and tell myself i will quit when the time is right, but when?
it seems i throw on a little Sublime, kick back and think s*** this aint that bad.
But now my girlfriends pregnant and i lied and told her i quit (or she would leave me) and know i am just hiding it. pathetic.
i want change and grow but how do we adjust?
its like trying to walk again after flying for so long. but my worst fear is that i amgonna be one of those dads who sneaks into the woods at my kids sports games and come out stinking like OTTO's jacket.
oh well we are all in the same boat, its kind of like switching seats on the titanic. good luck to us
Ok I am trying this out. Day 1- Clean so far. Grrrr......
Becca, I know you've heard this over and over in this forum, but I am in the same place you are in now. If I was honest with myself, probably in a far worse position...
I began casually smoking around 19 in college, and somewhere since then I've been a heavy user, a non-user, and everywhere in between. I don't know where everything went wrong. The classic description of looking back into a misty fog depicts my memory of this time.
Let me begin with right now...
I have to stop my habit. I'm displacing everything in my life for the sake of pot. I know it has been said thousands of times, but I let it take ahold, eventhough I knew what it would do to me.
I am 27 and sitting on my couch at 3:30 pm on a weekday doing nothing. Oh, I had big plans and things to get done, but the appeal of looking at my laptop and smoking was too strong, besides, I'm quitting tomorrow, so I need to finish it off. Right?
Exactly, I'm just caught in the same rut as everyone else.
When I reflect on the opportunities missed and the state of my life now, it's almost too difficult to accept.
*internal thought* "Is that why I stay high"
I graduated with my B.S. 20 days shy of my 21st birthday, I finished top in my class and had a great job waiting for me. I was that person who had everything going for them. And life did "go" for me. In less than two years I was in management at a large consulting firm.
Something happened... Something during that time changed my life. I allowed myself to get into a habit of using pot and there is a lot of lost memories and a lot of confusion about what took place, where it took place and why. I have pieces of memories, but no real trail of events.
I managed to quit my career at age 25 to "pursue my MBA fulltime". That was in 2003. So, after two years I should be done, right? I have about 6 credit hours under my belt. I continue to live the lifestyle I had while I was working, eventhough I haven't worked a real job in two years. I drive a new Lexus and live in a luxury two bedroom apartment with no job. Financial aid and the unending support of my parents lets me temporarily live like a king. This life is crazy. How in the hell did it go like this? How is this life still happening? I sometimes think it would be best if I lost everything and had to get my life together with no assistance.
The end of this lifestyle has come to its end. My parent's support is at its end and my progress in school is at its end. I have so many opportunities and I continue to sit on my couch, watch sports till 2:00, watch a movie, watch more sports and then go to sleep. Thats about my day most days. Sometimes I'll get something done that I've put off, but then its time to smoke again.
I "know" in my mind that my life is at a cross-road.
a) I can get by in life completely half-@ssed and probably earn a good living, have a wife and kids and still be in the same emotional hell and keep smoking pot because it helps me
b) Suck up the fact that I shouldn't have quit my career, get motivated, get back to the gym, stop smoking and get serious about life again.
The problem with b is that life without pot is going to be hard. It's so easy to get and just one time won't hurt.
Reading posts here have helped me to understand that it truly does require a commitment to not use again. I thought I was one of the few people who could control it and that I wasn't one of those people who were addicted. Why? Because I live in a nice nieghborhood and pull-off the illusion that my life is great? I'm not going to be able to use again. Even now my thoughts tell me that I'm kidding myself. But another part that feels strongly about my ability to achieve tells me I can do it.
I have to quit. I have the woman I should marry and grow old with and she is there to support me.
jhawker23
I began casually smoking around 19 in college, and somewhere since then I've been a heavy user, a non-user, and everywhere in between. I don't know where everything went wrong. The classic description of looking back into a misty fog depicts my memory of this time.
Let me begin with right now...
I have to stop my habit. I'm displacing everything in my life for the sake of pot. I know it has been said thousands of times, but I let it take ahold, eventhough I knew what it would do to me.
I am 27 and sitting on my couch at 3:30 pm on a weekday doing nothing. Oh, I had big plans and things to get done, but the appeal of looking at my laptop and smoking was too strong, besides, I'm quitting tomorrow, so I need to finish it off. Right?
Exactly, I'm just caught in the same rut as everyone else.
When I reflect on the opportunities missed and the state of my life now, it's almost too difficult to accept.
*internal thought* "Is that why I stay high"
I graduated with my B.S. 20 days shy of my 21st birthday, I finished top in my class and had a great job waiting for me. I was that person who had everything going for them. And life did "go" for me. In less than two years I was in management at a large consulting firm.
Something happened... Something during that time changed my life. I allowed myself to get into a habit of using pot and there is a lot of lost memories and a lot of confusion about what took place, where it took place and why. I have pieces of memories, but no real trail of events.
I managed to quit my career at age 25 to "pursue my MBA fulltime". That was in 2003. So, after two years I should be done, right? I have about 6 credit hours under my belt. I continue to live the lifestyle I had while I was working, eventhough I haven't worked a real job in two years. I drive a new Lexus and live in a luxury two bedroom apartment with no job. Financial aid and the unending support of my parents lets me temporarily live like a king. This life is crazy. How in the hell did it go like this? How is this life still happening? I sometimes think it would be best if I lost everything and had to get my life together with no assistance.
The end of this lifestyle has come to its end. My parent's support is at its end and my progress in school is at its end. I have so many opportunities and I continue to sit on my couch, watch sports till 2:00, watch a movie, watch more sports and then go to sleep. Thats about my day most days. Sometimes I'll get something done that I've put off, but then its time to smoke again.
I "know" in my mind that my life is at a cross-road.
a) I can get by in life completely half-@ssed and probably earn a good living, have a wife and kids and still be in the same emotional hell and keep smoking pot because it helps me
b) Suck up the fact that I shouldn't have quit my career, get motivated, get back to the gym, stop smoking and get serious about life again.
The problem with b is that life without pot is going to be hard. It's so easy to get and just one time won't hurt.
Reading posts here have helped me to understand that it truly does require a commitment to not use again. I thought I was one of the few people who could control it and that I wasn't one of those people who were addicted. Why? Because I live in a nice nieghborhood and pull-off the illusion that my life is great? I'm not going to be able to use again. Even now my thoughts tell me that I'm kidding myself. But another part that feels strongly about my ability to achieve tells me I can do it.
I have to quit. I have the woman I should marry and grow old with and she is there to support me.
jhawker23
