Hello to you all.I have been following this site for a long time.First time posting tho.Ive been clean for - well i dont count clean time as everytime ive done that ive applauded myself at 90 days then gone on a bender,so this time i didnt count and im way,way,way past the 90 day point.
WELL I WAS UNTIL 2 HOURS AGO.I didnt intentionally do it.It just kinda happened.I went to the shop for ciggies,my daily routine,only this time my old dealer was in the parking lot.I didnt see him and would have come home none the wiser but he saw me and made a point of coming over to my car and saying hi!then it was the usual crap and after telling him how well im doing this time he really forced a sample on me.I got in my car,drove off with every intention of throwing it out the window on route but couldnt.I got home,sat at my dining table and stared at the bag for around 30min then thought "what the hell,just this 1 time".
Now im hating myself cause i know its going to spin around in my head for the next few days and im going to crave and get back in the old cycle and oh hell.PLEASE CAN SOMEONE OUT THERE REMIND ME OF THE BAD OLD DAYS to stop the memories and huge relapse i see coming my way.I know at the end of the day its my responsibility but I NEED HELP. please.
Get back on track and don't let this be the reason you fell. It doesn't have to be more than a one-time thing unless you make it one. You know the good feeling of being clean and now you also know that your dealer is motivated to get you back on the gear because that's how he makes his living...not exactly out of the goodness of his heart did he hand you that packet. What are you doing to guard your sobriety? Therapy? Meetings?
Walk tall, Julie...and don't let this consume you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Walk tall, Julie...and don't let this consume you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
dont go there..as a family member I can tell you it is farther back than getting there for everyone..hang tight and just be insightful about what happened
You're not an idiot, Julie. Relapse is part of recovery. Hey, your not counting worked. You had way over 90 days. That's huge.
O.K. this is a LAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAPSE NOT RELAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not relapse and it's no biggie. Forgive yourself I mean hey who wouldn't have had a hard time when the sample got tossed your way? Still you ain't needing that chit. No Maam.
Remind you of being stone cold broke? Sick? Waiting on the same guy that was so very kind to give you a sample? Lucky you didn't O.D.
Remind you of the nonsense of lying to yourself and everyone you love. Waiting in the cold if that guy even does show up once he has ya again? Missing important functions cause you're sick.
Missing worrying about being arrested? Locked up. Getting a bad bag.
Traipsing around in the blazing heat that's coming soon looking for a fix when Mr. Sample is on vacation on your money.
Need more?
You know.
Don't beat yourself up. You asked for help. That's a good thing.
That sample will soon turn into an ugly habit.
They say that THRRE times you use ya got your habit back.
Ain't worth it.
Hope you are O.K.
O.K. this is a LAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAPSE NOT RELAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not relapse and it's no biggie. Forgive yourself I mean hey who wouldn't have had a hard time when the sample got tossed your way? Still you ain't needing that chit. No Maam.
Remind you of being stone cold broke? Sick? Waiting on the same guy that was so very kind to give you a sample? Lucky you didn't O.D.
Remind you of the nonsense of lying to yourself and everyone you love. Waiting in the cold if that guy even does show up once he has ya again? Missing important functions cause you're sick.
Missing worrying about being arrested? Locked up. Getting a bad bag.
Traipsing around in the blazing heat that's coming soon looking for a fix when Mr. Sample is on vacation on your money.
Need more?
You know.
Don't beat yourself up. You asked for help. That's a good thing.
That sample will soon turn into an ugly habit.
They say that THRRE times you use ya got your habit back.
Ain't worth it.
Hope you are O.K.
Allways the same story..
When they know your clean,n,doin well they,ll give you for free,n,even go out their way to find you "By accidently bumpin into you"then before you know it they,ve got what they were after....You back scoring on a daily basis..
N,its true what Queen B says about the foreign holidays with your money or the new wheels,house,n,whatever other luxurys all with our money..
Stay back from the dude pal,,they aint our friends,never will be..Eck
When they know your clean,n,doin well they,ll give you for free,n,even go out their way to find you "By accidently bumpin into you"then before you know it they,ve got what they were after....You back scoring on a daily basis..
N,its true what Queen B says about the foreign holidays with your money or the new wheels,house,n,whatever other luxurys all with our money..
Stay back from the dude pal,,they aint our friends,never will be..Eck
Awwwww, I hope Julie is alright.
Brynda,you my angel are exactly that!you really got into my head and brought out every thought i had in the past.waiting in the rain,cold sweats,running out of money etc!
I have found that being clean (for a woman) is like childbirth.getting clean is the worst experience ever,but, once its done,you forget what it was like and fall pregnant again.Drugs and withdrawal are similar! once its done you forget and get back into it.Thanks to all of you out there that helped me make it a once off deal this time.I have drank alot in the interim but fortunately that is something i can control and its not just a substitute.ive already slowed down on the wine.so again - THANK YOU EVERYONE.
Julie
I have found that being clean (for a woman) is like childbirth.getting clean is the worst experience ever,but, once its done,you forget what it was like and fall pregnant again.Drugs and withdrawal are similar! once its done you forget and get back into it.Thanks to all of you out there that helped me make it a once off deal this time.I have drank alot in the interim but fortunately that is something i can control and its not just a substitute.ive already slowed down on the wine.so again - THANK YOU EVERYONE.
Julie
Glad it helped, Julie.
Oh that analogy about childbirth was great. Not for me though cause mine was a cinch. Pre-drug addict cinch. For me I'd have to say compare it to a baby with colic ya have to walk 24/7. LOL It's hell but you'd do it again if ya had to.
Hang in there and good lookout on the wine. That's the last thing ya need is to get a bad liver.
Congrats again and never forget.
Oh that analogy about childbirth was great. Not for me though cause mine was a cinch. Pre-drug addict cinch. For me I'd have to say compare it to a baby with colic ya have to walk 24/7. LOL It's hell but you'd do it again if ya had to.
Hang in there and good lookout on the wine. That's the last thing ya need is to get a bad liver.
Congrats again and never forget.
me julie thats the evil of the drug once u take it u wont more, if ur was like u me ud say ok i'l have 1 last bag then i'l stop.
ok u want reminder i'l remind u - u cant go toilet cause it hurts - yes the blood thing aswell - not nice, no money - feeling the downward spiral coming again, dnt eat proper, n that nasty smell that comes off u when ur coming off the shiit.
most importantnly u lose self respect - ppl say that lightley - u stop believing in ur self - u but the cape down - ur not superman (ur case super women) any more !
ive already said this to jessi, mark now im saying it to u email me tali99@hotmail.com, i'l give u my number if u like n i will ring u back so its free. I just wanna help some 1 cause ive been where u r and worse.
for all the shiit i have done in my life if i cud just help 1 of u guys , plus i owe it to an old friend who helped me it wud make my day n no doubt yours. listerning to a voice can help sometimes, 1 who can relate to u
p.s u knw ur dealer thinks ur justa low life dont u ( im not saying u r but u waNTED TO hear things to put u off it, really he/she is the low life, but thats whay they think of users, basicallly we aint even the shiit on there shoes so to speak)
me julieeeeeeeeeeeee dnt play with this stuff its very dangerious, is creeps up on u then when its got u by the balls (in ur case by ur nellies) ur fuccked, THINK OF THE PAIN TO c** IF U KEEP AT IT - i hope for ur sake u havent already gone down that road - something tells me you may have. even still we humANS r a strong bread we use approx 5% of our brain - einstein used 12% i think , look where it got him, u understand what im saying - our potentional is A CRAZY THING.
got i told u i wud end up writing an esssay, or was that jessi i told lol, any case me julieeeeeeeeeeeee i 'l give u a hand - i'l tell u a few things which will makwe u stay away from the s***t for good !! personal; things id rather not say on here - that wil make u think twice - trust me on that or i'l eat my own balls !
and on that note i have to go, julie be strong - theres nothing but pain n s*** and nore s*** down the yellow brick road ur walking down, n girl u aint dorethy so change the road n destination juliee :) !
ok u want reminder i'l remind u - u cant go toilet cause it hurts - yes the blood thing aswell - not nice, no money - feeling the downward spiral coming again, dnt eat proper, n that nasty smell that comes off u when ur coming off the shiit.
most importantnly u lose self respect - ppl say that lightley - u stop believing in ur self - u but the cape down - ur not superman (ur case super women) any more !
ive already said this to jessi, mark now im saying it to u email me tali99@hotmail.com, i'l give u my number if u like n i will ring u back so its free. I just wanna help some 1 cause ive been where u r and worse.
for all the shiit i have done in my life if i cud just help 1 of u guys , plus i owe it to an old friend who helped me it wud make my day n no doubt yours. listerning to a voice can help sometimes, 1 who can relate to u
p.s u knw ur dealer thinks ur justa low life dont u ( im not saying u r but u waNTED TO hear things to put u off it, really he/she is the low life, but thats whay they think of users, basicallly we aint even the shiit on there shoes so to speak)
me julieeeeeeeeeeeee dnt play with this stuff its very dangerious, is creeps up on u then when its got u by the balls (in ur case by ur nellies) ur fuccked, THINK OF THE PAIN TO c** IF U KEEP AT IT - i hope for ur sake u havent already gone down that road - something tells me you may have. even still we humANS r a strong bread we use approx 5% of our brain - einstein used 12% i think , look where it got him, u understand what im saying - our potentional is A CRAZY THING.
got i told u i wud end up writing an esssay, or was that jessi i told lol, any case me julieeeeeeeeeeeee i 'l give u a hand - i'l tell u a few things which will makwe u stay away from the s***t for good !! personal; things id rather not say on here - that wil make u think twice - trust me on that or i'l eat my own balls !
and on that note i have to go, julie be strong - theres nothing but pain n s*** and nore s*** down the yellow brick road ur walking down, n girl u aint dorethy so change the road n destination juliee :) !
Good post humble man.
Julie you still about?
Hope you are safe.
Julie you still about?
Hope you are safe.
Speaking of seeing your old dealers - - I went to pick up my bottles for the week , the other day.
Sometimes early in the morning, while the cops are changing shifts, some of the dealers are lurking around in the shadows.
So, I see this kid who looks familiar, so I stop for a second and ask him for a match- - and ask him if he knew Paco from the 4th Ward- - He tells me , thats my dad bro- - he,s been downstate since 2008. 5 years on a sales & poss. > almost like he,s proud- -
- Can you dig that?? Now Im running into the siblings of the dudes I used to cop from. Keeping it in the family I guess. Poverty and lack of education plays a big part, but for godsake, If your dad is pitching dope for a living while your growing up what do the kids think?? They see a nice ride, the rent paid, food on the table every night- -all the freedom that a "real" job doesnt give you.
Do ya think this kid is going to stay in school , get an education, work for "the man" from 9 to 5 ? and make an honest living. Maybe -but more often they have no interest in the big picture.
Its all about the fast cash, living large, and a few ladies . Many use , and f88k up any profit- but many dont, and until the day comes when they get caught (and they all do_) they think they are kings of the street- - especially if dad , had a good rep out there*
It really is a sad thing to see - -but until someone steps up and breaks the chain, shows them that running the streets is a short term deal, before the revolving door of the prison system starts for them I dont see things much different now than 25 yrs ago in some (not all) cases
Just some thoughts on a lazy , windy afternoon in Northern NJ
BEST,
jack
I
Sometimes early in the morning, while the cops are changing shifts, some of the dealers are lurking around in the shadows.
So, I see this kid who looks familiar, so I stop for a second and ask him for a match- - and ask him if he knew Paco from the 4th Ward- - He tells me , thats my dad bro- - he,s been downstate since 2008. 5 years on a sales & poss. > almost like he,s proud- -
- Can you dig that?? Now Im running into the siblings of the dudes I used to cop from. Keeping it in the family I guess. Poverty and lack of education plays a big part, but for godsake, If your dad is pitching dope for a living while your growing up what do the kids think?? They see a nice ride, the rent paid, food on the table every night- -all the freedom that a "real" job doesnt give you.
Do ya think this kid is going to stay in school , get an education, work for "the man" from 9 to 5 ? and make an honest living. Maybe -but more often they have no interest in the big picture.
Its all about the fast cash, living large, and a few ladies . Many use , and f88k up any profit- but many dont, and until the day comes when they get caught (and they all do_) they think they are kings of the street- - especially if dad , had a good rep out there*
It really is a sad thing to see - -but until someone steps up and breaks the chain, shows them that running the streets is a short term deal, before the revolving door of the prison system starts for them I dont see things much different now than 25 yrs ago in some (not all) cases
Just some thoughts on a lazy , windy afternoon in Northern NJ
BEST,
jack
I
That is crazy, Jack!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The son.
Of course ya wouldn't go to school. You'd want that loot. Work your own hours. Go shopping. Live large.
DEalers using? Only once I ever saw that. I didn't know the person, but he was actually funny. I guess cause he was high. So many years ago. Sometimes we'd talk astrology during the transaction. He used to ask me about his kids birth chart.
One time I swore I looked swift. Had a new jacket on. I went in whatever house they used that day and it was him. I used to be glad to see that guy. He goes "What are you doing in your bathrobe?"
HAHAHAHA
Here I thought it was a cute coat.
Crazy stuff. If I ran into my old dealer I wouldn't recognize him. Tres would. I didn't like the guy. Especially when one day he tells me "I'm the boss wit da boot" WHAT? WHAT? I even said "What?" which looking back is kind of nuts since I didn't have the dope in my hand.
He was mad I asked after one of his low men on the totem pole. Thus his admonishing me "I'm the boss wit da boot".
I went back to Tres's car and was like 'I hate that lousey MOFO. That's abuse of power".
BWAHAHAHA Like that counts.
To this day all these clean years later every once i awhile Tres or I will come out with "I'm the boss wit da boot, ya"
Better days all. Let's pray for poor son of dad now doing time. Everyone is fighting their own war.
The son.
Of course ya wouldn't go to school. You'd want that loot. Work your own hours. Go shopping. Live large.
DEalers using? Only once I ever saw that. I didn't know the person, but he was actually funny. I guess cause he was high. So many years ago. Sometimes we'd talk astrology during the transaction. He used to ask me about his kids birth chart.
One time I swore I looked swift. Had a new jacket on. I went in whatever house they used that day and it was him. I used to be glad to see that guy. He goes "What are you doing in your bathrobe?"
HAHAHAHA
Here I thought it was a cute coat.
Crazy stuff. If I ran into my old dealer I wouldn't recognize him. Tres would. I didn't like the guy. Especially when one day he tells me "I'm the boss wit da boot" WHAT? WHAT? I even said "What?" which looking back is kind of nuts since I didn't have the dope in my hand.
He was mad I asked after one of his low men on the totem pole. Thus his admonishing me "I'm the boss wit da boot".
I went back to Tres's car and was like 'I hate that lousey MOFO. That's abuse of power".
BWAHAHAHA Like that counts.
To this day all these clean years later every once i awhile Tres or I will come out with "I'm the boss wit da boot, ya"
Better days all. Let's pray for poor son of dad now doing time. Everyone is fighting their own war.
