You know, sometimes I just get bored of the endless battle to be ok. Where is the enjoyment in life when you are continually striving to better yourself?
Once again, my insecurity has hit me full on in the face and I don't really know how to heal it. Again though, it is just more healing to do, more self improvement, more I'm not good enough basically.
The guy who I have started seeing came down over the weekend. Great, we went to London for the day and stuff, but I find myself constantly needing reassurance that he likes me. What? He wouldn't have travelled all this way to be with me if he didn't like me would he. Again - yawn. Why can't I once and for all appreciate myself and have enough self worth to stop the constant analysing of things. This is one good reason I have stayed away from relationships - to the point of total isolation, because I just don't believe in myself. I don't like myself, and I can't see why anyone else would. What's so good about me is the thought that perpetuates crap experience after crap experiene.
How do we break out of moulds like these and change our innermost beliefs about ourselves? I am getting very bored of it all and somewhat depressed because life doesn't appear to work on the level of relationships, and deep down it is what I would really like in my life. I've got house, car, work, money, sobriety, so ain't doing so bad, but that one thing called a successful relationship is still elusive. Is that my low self esteem and complete insecurity that won't allow it into my life?
The guy who came down for the weekend has gone today, but I don't feel happy. I just feel kind of depressed like it is just going to be the lets stay friends thing. Boring. I have been on my own for so long really because I don't know how to let people in. I find it hard to be myself. I find I am just paranoid about the way I am being because I want to be something that person will like. I don't know how to just be natural. Small wonder the booze came first really. I felt I could be myself when I was drinking because all the inhibitions go and it doesn't matter. I could be entertaining, funny and talkative, well that was before I got really ill with it, and then I was just a desperate, recluse who cried all the time.
I am BORED of this constant uphill battle. Surely life is meant to be enjoyed. When is it going to release me.
Just venting again really. It is better to be said I guess. I have two years sober on Thursday and I don't even care. So what. How far have I come really in the areas of life that I want to succeed in?
Sorry, I am being depressive here, but the last couple of weeks I have felt depressed and I can't seem to shift it. It does cloud all areas of life doesn't it with heavy negative vibes. So much for meeting someone and having dare I say it - a boyfriend. It's all just gone weird. But then am I just looking for a bloke to fill the pit of emptiness that I feel inside, because if that is the case, it won't work.
Aaaaarrrrgghhhh, bloody life!!! It just goes round and round in circles. Boring!!! How do I walk down another path and become secure in myself? I have tried everything and am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore.
Hi Lacey.First of let me say that I can understand your feelings. I know exactly where you are coming from. You seem a bit down. I think you might have some depression on the go there but that is just my opinion. But the way you describe things is the way my daughter is at this time . Is there someone that you can talk to that is trained to deal with the feelings you are experiencing? Like you said it is good to just vent so maybe thats all you need to do. Could it be fear that you are feeling when it comes to developing a relationship?Have you been hurt in a relationship before? It seems to me that you are feeling insecure . I can relate to a lot of what you said in your post.I feel the same way in certain things you have described . I wish could say something to you that will make you feel better about yourself.Please remember Lacey that you are a wonderful person and that you deserve to have a good life as well as anybody. You deserve happiness so let yourself accept what good comes your way. Don't punish yourself any longer for whatever reason it is that you say you don't like yourself. You are not alone Lacey we are all struggling to have a normal life. I understand it gets difficult and tiresome and some days it seems to be all uphill. Just hang in there and try and think positive because we are what we think. I wish I could give you good advice but I don't know what to say other than I UNDERSTAND I really do. God bless and be safe..((((( ))))
Not my usual board, but read your post Lacey and in many ways i could have wrote that. What is the answer? I don't know, i'm still working on that. Like you said, he wouldn't have came all that way if he didn't like you, but i understand your thinking, happens to me all the time. I know it's easier said than done but try and stay positive, do something positive every day and maybe your mood will lift. Sending you some Positive vibes from sunny scotland. All the best, Kev
Ha ha!! Brilliant, nice one Kev - Scotland is where he came from!!
I just know I have to learn to like myself, but don't know how to do it!! Really truly valueing yourself is different to a mental - hey I'm great kind of thing. I don't know how to find it inside me that I am a worthwhile human being that does deserve a good life. Materially it has got massively better, but spiritually and emotionally I often feel like a leper searching for something that isn't to be found. Life then becomes a joke because what the hell is the point!! But then if spirituality preceeds materiality, I must have progressed in that department for my material world to have improved more than tenfold. Guess I just can't see progress at the moment.
Yeah, I am a bit depressed Pirate, but nothing incomparrison to what it used to be like. I used to wake up, well, come round and think - oh no, not another day. I have become stuck in a negative cycle at the moment and am finding it hard to see the positive. As for relationships, well they have been violent, drug, drink ones, so nothing very productive!!
I just know I have to learn to like myself, but don't know how to do it!! Really truly valueing yourself is different to a mental - hey I'm great kind of thing. I don't know how to find it inside me that I am a worthwhile human being that does deserve a good life. Materially it has got massively better, but spiritually and emotionally I often feel like a leper searching for something that isn't to be found. Life then becomes a joke because what the hell is the point!! But then if spirituality preceeds materiality, I must have progressed in that department for my material world to have improved more than tenfold. Guess I just can't see progress at the moment.
Yeah, I am a bit depressed Pirate, but nothing incomparrison to what it used to be like. I used to wake up, well, come round and think - oh no, not another day. I have become stuck in a negative cycle at the moment and am finding it hard to see the positive. As for relationships, well they have been violent, drug, drink ones, so nothing very productive!!
Gidday Lacey:)
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful it doesnt want to lose.....how better to get at someone than through there insecurities, it is staging a mind offensive in your head about relationships and your part.
Start positive affirmations on a daily basis and if you have to fake it on the days you think you cant make the affirmations, it does get better
How much time have you spent in your head thinking the insides out of all the scenarious and mind F's that i know only to well in my own bugga
As i start thinking scenarious now i instantly say the word in my head and affirm that i am getting better at whatever is playing in and on my mind at the time.
As Cookster would say one day at a time and also Lacey small steps count for a great victory if we are persistant. It will get better
Dont go in your head alone over the scenarious of nothingness all the never to happen fears, worries storylines and eventualities that the addictive mind can invent in a flash and make stick in our fears in seconds
Make a stain glassed portal or handing over box or window to God and write on it something that means what you need to do and that is personal to you so only you understand it, anyone asks its your worry box or god box, put it somewhere you see every day and put your fears into it and allow God to get busy on the buggas:)
Lacey be proud of your sobriety....I am:)
light and love Zac
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful it doesnt want to lose.....how better to get at someone than through there insecurities, it is staging a mind offensive in your head about relationships and your part.
Start positive affirmations on a daily basis and if you have to fake it on the days you think you cant make the affirmations, it does get better
How much time have you spent in your head thinking the insides out of all the scenarious and mind F's that i know only to well in my own bugga
As i start thinking scenarious now i instantly say the word in my head and affirm that i am getting better at whatever is playing in and on my mind at the time.
As Cookster would say one day at a time and also Lacey small steps count for a great victory if we are persistant. It will get better
Dont go in your head alone over the scenarious of nothingness all the never to happen fears, worries storylines and eventualities that the addictive mind can invent in a flash and make stick in our fears in seconds
Make a stain glassed portal or handing over box or window to God and write on it something that means what you need to do and that is personal to you so only you understand it, anyone asks its your worry box or god box, put it somewhere you see every day and put your fears into it and allow God to get busy on the buggas:)
Lacey be proud of your sobriety....I am:)
light and love Zac
Hi Lacey.
You know, my sponsor said something curious during a meeting, and it struck me as something to ponder over the last couple days. For ME, doing something else--ANYthing else--to avoid facing myself was what led me down the path of self destruction. For ME, once the addiction and obsession had been lifted, I had to figure out how to fill the void. In working The Program (affectionately known as the 12 Steps) I've begun to learn that the spiritual principles of The Steps, and "practicing these principles in all our affairs," really has filled that void in my life. I can look the world in the eye, and even on my WORST day, I'm 10 times better off than I was when I was doing my addictions. I told myself, "You know... If I spent just 1/4 the amount of time working on my sobriety as I did working my addictions, I would not only save money, I'd be deeply embedded in recovery putting forth 25% of the effort! To be ten times better at 1/4 the work? Now THAT is a return.
My point is, that until I allowed my HP to take the wheel, I was constantly steering into the ditch. My HP wants me to be comfortable, loving, happy and free to live a life enriched with gratitude. Every time I start wobbling toward the ditch, now, I know who's driving...
Congrats on your sobriety. The only way *I* was able to silence The Committee in my head was working to put the spiritual principles into action. Someone said, "The only way I can be truly happy is if I give it away."
Hmmm
Good to "SEE" you once again. Come out and play!
:)
You know, my sponsor said something curious during a meeting, and it struck me as something to ponder over the last couple days. For ME, doing something else--ANYthing else--to avoid facing myself was what led me down the path of self destruction. For ME, once the addiction and obsession had been lifted, I had to figure out how to fill the void. In working The Program (affectionately known as the 12 Steps) I've begun to learn that the spiritual principles of The Steps, and "practicing these principles in all our affairs," really has filled that void in my life. I can look the world in the eye, and even on my WORST day, I'm 10 times better off than I was when I was doing my addictions. I told myself, "You know... If I spent just 1/4 the amount of time working on my sobriety as I did working my addictions, I would not only save money, I'd be deeply embedded in recovery putting forth 25% of the effort! To be ten times better at 1/4 the work? Now THAT is a return.
My point is, that until I allowed my HP to take the wheel, I was constantly steering into the ditch. My HP wants me to be comfortable, loving, happy and free to live a life enriched with gratitude. Every time I start wobbling toward the ditch, now, I know who's driving...
Congrats on your sobriety. The only way *I* was able to silence The Committee in my head was working to put the spiritual principles into action. Someone said, "The only way I can be truly happy is if I give it away."
Hmmm
Good to "SEE" you once again. Come out and play!
:)
Hi Lacey,
I'm afraid I don't have any answers; if I did, we would both be happier! Most of what you wrote is something I could have written. Being incompetent at relationships is such a pain sometimes. As you know, I was raised in a socially isolating situation. I started developing socially after I left home, but my social development has never caught up with my age it seems. At first, my insecurities interfered with earning a living, but I seem to have got it together in that department, (I own a house and a vehicle) but as "normal" as I am in that area of my life, I haven't made much progress in the relationship department. And no, material success doesn't equal happiness.
At this point I have come to terms (I think) with the fact that I won't have children of my own (I'm 47, no woman in sight) . Dissapointing, but I can't change it. I'm getting to the point where I'm accepting that I am some one who is something of a loner and liking myself any way. I even went to a concert a week ago by myself, and didn't feel like a loser for being alone That's who I am, something of a loner and not very good at the social thing. Perhaps that will change, maybe not.
Sobriety does leave a void, some days I do wonder why I am going to all this bother, other days I just bother away with out wondering why and other days are good. I can't always find happiness, but I can usually find serenity.....
sending a smile your way Lacey.....
one day at a time, Cookster
I'm afraid I don't have any answers; if I did, we would both be happier! Most of what you wrote is something I could have written. Being incompetent at relationships is such a pain sometimes. As you know, I was raised in a socially isolating situation. I started developing socially after I left home, but my social development has never caught up with my age it seems. At first, my insecurities interfered with earning a living, but I seem to have got it together in that department, (I own a house and a vehicle) but as "normal" as I am in that area of my life, I haven't made much progress in the relationship department. And no, material success doesn't equal happiness.
At this point I have come to terms (I think) with the fact that I won't have children of my own (I'm 47, no woman in sight) . Dissapointing, but I can't change it. I'm getting to the point where I'm accepting that I am some one who is something of a loner and liking myself any way. I even went to a concert a week ago by myself, and didn't feel like a loser for being alone That's who I am, something of a loner and not very good at the social thing. Perhaps that will change, maybe not.
Sobriety does leave a void, some days I do wonder why I am going to all this bother, other days I just bother away with out wondering why and other days are good. I can't always find happiness, but I can usually find serenity.....
sending a smile your way Lacey.....
one day at a time, Cookster
Dear Lacey,
Where do I start I took some notes to try my best to help you. What's wrong with being OK? Ms. Kat Bird/12 Stepper posted a link on PP board, thread Article on Happiness. It's quite good. Validated some of life for me. It's normal to feel unworthy sometimes, unlovable, unhappy, inadequate. Celebreties, Atheletes, Politicians, Dr.'s, Artists, Professionals. Rich, Poor it doesn't matter. It's just some won't admit it because their either scared or have big ego's.
What concerns me is when a person stays there to long, dwells on their I'm not good enough. How much time are you thinking, spending on negative self evaIuations? I here you striving to improve your self worth and to heal yourself. This is good your going through inner growth now. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Start journaling your journey.
I will give you my honest opinon what I hear, what I've heard before. Please know I'm not a professional. Please forgive me because I could be wrong and I don't want to offend you, or make you mad,upset. I like you and even though we are friends thru the PC, if I could I would love to have lunch with you go to a movie, walk our dogs together. I genuinly care about your well being. So here go's.
I think your sad because you havn't found your soul mate to share your life with. The years are flying by and you don't want to end up alone. Perhaps you are comparing yourself to your siblings and others that are married with kids. Perhaps you long to be loved tenderly and deeply by a man as you never received enough when you were a small child. Even if you did it's something many people desire.
I think your insecure because your parents especially your mom, as they are usually our number one nurturer was with out her own fault incapable of giving what was rightly needed for you. Your past relationships with men have been abusive, violent, drug/alcohol filled. You are left with pain, shame, rejection, abandonment. Your scars still remain thats why you feel unlovable, unworthy. You need to be told that you are loved by your parents. You have recently opened up to them. Have resolved some of the unsaid I loves you's that youv'e longed for all your life. You need to be reassured over and over by your Billy Mate because you don't believe he likes you, he loves you. Perhaps they aren't even scars when it comes to men. Perhaps they are still open wounds.
Know that part of what I write comes out of my own soul, my own experiences. I feel for you even though we are miles apart. I know the pain of being abused by men, and my own husband, my mom, my dad, the f a hole who did that to me over & over when I was so little. I've been able to over come my feelings of self worth, self doubt, my memories, many of my negative thoughts, much of the depression with a good therapist. I used to feel and think I was so unlovable Lacey. I'm sure the first 10+ yrs. of marriage I drove him nuts asking him are you sure you love me? I don't have to do that today. Thank God. I can also tell you having a relationship with a Higher Power whatever you conceive him, her, it to be will help you to heal. What are you searching for?
Can you, or are you willing to find a therapist to work with? If you keep having reacurring negative thoughts, bad depression do something about it. I waited until last yr. to get some professional help. God if I only knew, but I wasn't ready. I can tell you it's one of the best things I've ever done for ME!.
Here's a few things I've learned, done, getting ready to do. Told my husband I need affection hugs, kisses, cuddles, positive words. Tell me I'm beautiful my perfume smells good those kind of things. If you really love me show it. Tell me I'm sexy. Tell your Billy Mate straight up what you want, what you need. Tell him you need to here those jeans look good on your a**. Tell him, alot of guys just don't know how to come out and tell gals how beautiful we are. Many don't know we want/need positive affirmations they don't understand it's important to us. These are just suggestions, Ok. Come up with what you need to hear want you want that will make you feel and think your worthy, whole, complete.
Who says the top of the mountain is where you have to be happy. Acceptance of where you are today. By the way I beleive you have broken the old mold of you. Go read some of your posts from a yr or so back.
Are you able to identify why you feel/think this way? Write it down.
Examples: Expectations prescribed by others, view of life's rules. Raised in chaotic home or under nurtured. Abusive, unloving sexual relationships, was friendship and trust not reached/mutual. Poorly developed self concept. Didn't feel accepted by others because you didn't receive positive feedback, reinforcement about your talents and abilities. Weren't given direction, guidance, discipline. Felt over shadowed, over looked do to others who seem more successful, prettier, athletic, high achiever. This can make you doubt yourself when you compare yourself to others.
To Overcome: Be willing to be put in vulnerable situations. Youv'e done this with flying colors. Take risks to change your behaviour. Well youv'e done this too. Have a healthy and humerous belief in yourself in order to overlook your exaggerated need for acceptance and approval. Take rational approach, to problems so you are not taken back by beliefs and fears. Practice being assertive. Have courage take small steps in learning to experience sucess, overcoming lack of belief in self. After youv'e seen your sucess you will gain courage to repeat. You are already breaking out of your shell Lacey. Please make a positive attribute list of yourself. I could do it for you, but you need to do it for you. Ask yourself what thoughts or, behaviours signal insecurity? What are you bringing from the past into today? What are the negative consequences for thinking this way then feeling this way. What do I need to do to develope, to overcome. What are some of your beliefs that account for insecurity. What will the positive consequences be when I start having more rational belifes about myself. I will feel more secure. My life will change for the better.
This is an exercise suggested that I have not done. Making a collage of pics with freinds, family about my life on a poster board. Having writings on the back of them and near the pics. It emphasizes the value of my life for myself and others.
I'm sorry this is so long. I hope you find something in it helpful. Be kind to yourself. Treat your self to something good something sweet. Your waking up to life doing the work facing some of the parts that aren't so pretty. But, Lacey so much of life is beautiful. It's better because your here in the world. Thank you!
Love, Chris
PS If you ever want to e-mail me, or want another funny forward it's dcnj62@cs.com
Where do I start I took some notes to try my best to help you. What's wrong with being OK? Ms. Kat Bird/12 Stepper posted a link on PP board, thread Article on Happiness. It's quite good. Validated some of life for me. It's normal to feel unworthy sometimes, unlovable, unhappy, inadequate. Celebreties, Atheletes, Politicians, Dr.'s, Artists, Professionals. Rich, Poor it doesn't matter. It's just some won't admit it because their either scared or have big ego's.
What concerns me is when a person stays there to long, dwells on their I'm not good enough. How much time are you thinking, spending on negative self evaIuations? I here you striving to improve your self worth and to heal yourself. This is good your going through inner growth now. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Start journaling your journey.
I will give you my honest opinon what I hear, what I've heard before. Please know I'm not a professional. Please forgive me because I could be wrong and I don't want to offend you, or make you mad,upset. I like you and even though we are friends thru the PC, if I could I would love to have lunch with you go to a movie, walk our dogs together. I genuinly care about your well being. So here go's.
I think your sad because you havn't found your soul mate to share your life with. The years are flying by and you don't want to end up alone. Perhaps you are comparing yourself to your siblings and others that are married with kids. Perhaps you long to be loved tenderly and deeply by a man as you never received enough when you were a small child. Even if you did it's something many people desire.
I think your insecure because your parents especially your mom, as they are usually our number one nurturer was with out her own fault incapable of giving what was rightly needed for you. Your past relationships with men have been abusive, violent, drug/alcohol filled. You are left with pain, shame, rejection, abandonment. Your scars still remain thats why you feel unlovable, unworthy. You need to be told that you are loved by your parents. You have recently opened up to them. Have resolved some of the unsaid I loves you's that youv'e longed for all your life. You need to be reassured over and over by your Billy Mate because you don't believe he likes you, he loves you. Perhaps they aren't even scars when it comes to men. Perhaps they are still open wounds.
Know that part of what I write comes out of my own soul, my own experiences. I feel for you even though we are miles apart. I know the pain of being abused by men, and my own husband, my mom, my dad, the f a hole who did that to me over & over when I was so little. I've been able to over come my feelings of self worth, self doubt, my memories, many of my negative thoughts, much of the depression with a good therapist. I used to feel and think I was so unlovable Lacey. I'm sure the first 10+ yrs. of marriage I drove him nuts asking him are you sure you love me? I don't have to do that today. Thank God. I can also tell you having a relationship with a Higher Power whatever you conceive him, her, it to be will help you to heal. What are you searching for?
Can you, or are you willing to find a therapist to work with? If you keep having reacurring negative thoughts, bad depression do something about it. I waited until last yr. to get some professional help. God if I only knew, but I wasn't ready. I can tell you it's one of the best things I've ever done for ME!.
Here's a few things I've learned, done, getting ready to do. Told my husband I need affection hugs, kisses, cuddles, positive words. Tell me I'm beautiful my perfume smells good those kind of things. If you really love me show it. Tell me I'm sexy. Tell your Billy Mate straight up what you want, what you need. Tell him you need to here those jeans look good on your a**. Tell him, alot of guys just don't know how to come out and tell gals how beautiful we are. Many don't know we want/need positive affirmations they don't understand it's important to us. These are just suggestions, Ok. Come up with what you need to hear want you want that will make you feel and think your worthy, whole, complete.
Who says the top of the mountain is where you have to be happy. Acceptance of where you are today. By the way I beleive you have broken the old mold of you. Go read some of your posts from a yr or so back.
Are you able to identify why you feel/think this way? Write it down.
Examples: Expectations prescribed by others, view of life's rules. Raised in chaotic home or under nurtured. Abusive, unloving sexual relationships, was friendship and trust not reached/mutual. Poorly developed self concept. Didn't feel accepted by others because you didn't receive positive feedback, reinforcement about your talents and abilities. Weren't given direction, guidance, discipline. Felt over shadowed, over looked do to others who seem more successful, prettier, athletic, high achiever. This can make you doubt yourself when you compare yourself to others.
To Overcome: Be willing to be put in vulnerable situations. Youv'e done this with flying colors. Take risks to change your behaviour. Well youv'e done this too. Have a healthy and humerous belief in yourself in order to overlook your exaggerated need for acceptance and approval. Take rational approach, to problems so you are not taken back by beliefs and fears. Practice being assertive. Have courage take small steps in learning to experience sucess, overcoming lack of belief in self. After youv'e seen your sucess you will gain courage to repeat. You are already breaking out of your shell Lacey. Please make a positive attribute list of yourself. I could do it for you, but you need to do it for you. Ask yourself what thoughts or, behaviours signal insecurity? What are you bringing from the past into today? What are the negative consequences for thinking this way then feeling this way. What do I need to do to develope, to overcome. What are some of your beliefs that account for insecurity. What will the positive consequences be when I start having more rational belifes about myself. I will feel more secure. My life will change for the better.
This is an exercise suggested that I have not done. Making a collage of pics with freinds, family about my life on a poster board. Having writings on the back of them and near the pics. It emphasizes the value of my life for myself and others.
I'm sorry this is so long. I hope you find something in it helpful. Be kind to yourself. Treat your self to something good something sweet. Your waking up to life doing the work facing some of the parts that aren't so pretty. But, Lacey so much of life is beautiful. It's better because your here in the world. Thank you!
Love, Chris
PS If you ever want to e-mail me, or want another funny forward it's dcnj62@cs.com
Also not my usual board, but perhaps you will allow this addict to contribute. Most of us feel inadequate - by us I mean people. This is usually related to some childhoosd experiences, which we may or may not be aware of. Hence our yearning for acceptance and recognition.
I felt like this for many years.
That was until I had a spiritual awakening and recognised my own perfection. Not perfect as in flawless. But rahter perfect in that God makes no mistakes.
This has allowed me to develop a love of self. Self affirmations work for me. It attracts positive people intio my life. I wake up each day and say "Something wonderful is going to happen to me today" and it does.
I no longer feel as in effect of others. I have a wonderful wife - but regardless of how she responds to me on any given day - I know I am okay. I feel enough.
Much of these feelings I now have come from gratitude. I read a book by loise Hay on gratitude and it had a profound impact on me. Each day I thank God for everything. Even so called bad things - because they are in my life to teach me.
I find your posts filled with the word bored. That is because you are living to much in your herad. Go outside yourself. Give of yourself. What is stopping you?
If you were like me it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of not being liked.
But I know that I am perfect as Gods creation. I trust that nothing in my life happens without her plan, and it is all part of my journey of being who I truly am.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense to you, or is useful. But life hold a lot more than you describe in your post.
Be free, you too are perfect!
I felt like this for many years.
That was until I had a spiritual awakening and recognised my own perfection. Not perfect as in flawless. But rahter perfect in that God makes no mistakes.
This has allowed me to develop a love of self. Self affirmations work for me. It attracts positive people intio my life. I wake up each day and say "Something wonderful is going to happen to me today" and it does.
I no longer feel as in effect of others. I have a wonderful wife - but regardless of how she responds to me on any given day - I know I am okay. I feel enough.
Much of these feelings I now have come from gratitude. I read a book by loise Hay on gratitude and it had a profound impact on me. Each day I thank God for everything. Even so called bad things - because they are in my life to teach me.
I find your posts filled with the word bored. That is because you are living to much in your herad. Go outside yourself. Give of yourself. What is stopping you?
If you were like me it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of not being liked.
But I know that I am perfect as Gods creation. I trust that nothing in my life happens without her plan, and it is all part of my journey of being who I truly am.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense to you, or is useful. But life hold a lot more than you describe in your post.
Be free, you too are perfect!
Can't thank you good folk enough for your in depth posts and great suggestions. Thankyou, it means so much that people do really care.
I am kind of aware that I am playing the self pity card again at the moment, and I am becoming aware of how draining that can actually be to other people, so I am not going to fill this post with the poor me scenario because it really is time to change this pattern.
The guy I spent the weekend with - I ain't stupid, it didn't feel right, I don't think it's going anywhere - went home yesterday. It was a long journey and I said I would give him a quick call later to make sure he got home safely, which I did, but he didn't answer. Doing my best not to be insecure about it, as there's many reasons people don't answer phones, I sent a text just to say, hope he got home safely, let me know. That's ok isn't it?!! Haven't heard from him. This is no surprise - it's a repeat pattern. The challenge now is not to let this reflect on me, and try and search for what I did wrong to put him off me. For the last six weeks we have communicated by phone alot and he did really seem into me, but it comes to seeing each other for real again and it was really weird, it just didn't feel right.
Normally, I would hit the bottle obviously because I am so crap I can't even keep a blokes interest for a short time. But I know now that it is me that has to make a change here in myself. The void is just waiting for me to see its vast depths, but I am trying to fill it in and not go there, because if I do it is going to be days, weeks of pain, wondering why he doesn't like me, confused emotions, which will turn to anger, resentment, and all the rest. That void is my complete insecurity. If I don't go there, and instead look at all the things I did right and how I am a good person, then it can't take over my life and leave me feeling empty, useless and a complete failure. I can't keep revisiting that pain, it is hurting me too much, and I don't want to hurt me anymore. Enough is enough.
The last guy I saw a bit of a few months ago was the same scenario, he just went silent on me and left empty promises. Then I did go into the void and think it was because I was crap. I started really overeating to try and deal with it, taking it out on myself, when in reality - he had invited me round, cancelled at the last minute, said he would make it up to me, and never did.
I am better than that, it is time to respect myself more. I need the courage to be able to say, ok, it isn't going to work, that's ok, move on. Ha ha, easier said than done, but that is self respect, rather than clinging to him, thinking about him all the time, wondering if he will get in touch, searching for why he doesn't like me, and feeling desperate because I was shunned basically. In reality, I think that being ignored like that is being treated badly, but when you think you are a piece of crap then being treated badly is seen as ok, and believe me, I have been treated like dirt on the bottom of peoples shoes continuously, and put up with it, forgiven men trying to strangle me, beat me up and destroy me. Can't do it anymore. I have got to change, I have realised I can't make them change, I have got to, and it starts here and now.
I am kind of aware that I am playing the self pity card again at the moment, and I am becoming aware of how draining that can actually be to other people, so I am not going to fill this post with the poor me scenario because it really is time to change this pattern.
The guy I spent the weekend with - I ain't stupid, it didn't feel right, I don't think it's going anywhere - went home yesterday. It was a long journey and I said I would give him a quick call later to make sure he got home safely, which I did, but he didn't answer. Doing my best not to be insecure about it, as there's many reasons people don't answer phones, I sent a text just to say, hope he got home safely, let me know. That's ok isn't it?!! Haven't heard from him. This is no surprise - it's a repeat pattern. The challenge now is not to let this reflect on me, and try and search for what I did wrong to put him off me. For the last six weeks we have communicated by phone alot and he did really seem into me, but it comes to seeing each other for real again and it was really weird, it just didn't feel right.
Normally, I would hit the bottle obviously because I am so crap I can't even keep a blokes interest for a short time. But I know now that it is me that has to make a change here in myself. The void is just waiting for me to see its vast depths, but I am trying to fill it in and not go there, because if I do it is going to be days, weeks of pain, wondering why he doesn't like me, confused emotions, which will turn to anger, resentment, and all the rest. That void is my complete insecurity. If I don't go there, and instead look at all the things I did right and how I am a good person, then it can't take over my life and leave me feeling empty, useless and a complete failure. I can't keep revisiting that pain, it is hurting me too much, and I don't want to hurt me anymore. Enough is enough.
The last guy I saw a bit of a few months ago was the same scenario, he just went silent on me and left empty promises. Then I did go into the void and think it was because I was crap. I started really overeating to try and deal with it, taking it out on myself, when in reality - he had invited me round, cancelled at the last minute, said he would make it up to me, and never did.
I am better than that, it is time to respect myself more. I need the courage to be able to say, ok, it isn't going to work, that's ok, move on. Ha ha, easier said than done, but that is self respect, rather than clinging to him, thinking about him all the time, wondering if he will get in touch, searching for why he doesn't like me, and feeling desperate because I was shunned basically. In reality, I think that being ignored like that is being treated badly, but when you think you are a piece of crap then being treated badly is seen as ok, and believe me, I have been treated like dirt on the bottom of peoples shoes continuously, and put up with it, forgiven men trying to strangle me, beat me up and destroy me. Can't do it anymore. I have got to change, I have realised I can't make them change, I have got to, and it starts here and now.
Lacey its ok to have some self pity days I think so anyway. Just don't let it be everyday but it don't hurt to indulge once in a while. thats my opinion.You are a worthy ,wonderful and I think sensitive woman. There isn't any man on this planet that is worth you destroying yourself over. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the fault is NOT with you but WITH them. You deserve to have a caring,loving and understanding man in your life. If you can't find that then don't just settle for the sake of not being alone. I am sure when the time is right you will meet Mr. Right.. Maybe your choice of men is not the right choice for you. I am sure if you think about it they all have had some traits in common. For now be content to love yourself and be happy with who you are. Get to know yourself first and what you want out of a relationship.Once you do that you will know what to look for and what you will want out of a relationship. If things don't work out ,don't worry.it's not the end of the world. Just tell yourself it wasn't meant to be and move on. Whatever you stay strong and don't drink. You owe yourself that much. Wish I could be of more help to you but please remember that people really do care. And you never know you might meet Mr. Right on here (lol) .. ..sorry bad joke..lol You take care Lacey and God bless and be safe.
Hi Lacey,
I have to say I love Pirate's response to you! Go read it again. You are entitled to have self - pity days. You can play the self - pity card, it's not like your playing the whole deck.
I do not think of you as a drain here on this board I think of you as a beacon of light. A good friend who reaches out to someone in a time of need. Someone who shares her laughter, her joy and parts of her heart that hurt. It's good to share are disappointments with others. We weren't meant to carry them alone in this world.
A see a beautiful woman who is a good friend, daughter, sister, auntie. A talented artist!!! A talented writer. A good listener. Has a great sense of humor about others and herself. You are also an attractive woman still young too! She is in search of a soul mate. She will know when she finds him.
Make a long list of what you want in your partner. Edit it, as of course there's no Mr. perfect on the planet. Tell your self something like they must pass my list with a B or, whatever grade you decide on. Go over it with a friend, sis, mom. Don't settle for second best. Then pray about. Give it up to the Universe, let her do her magic.
Interview those blokes. This can be done on first & second dates. Weed them out. Don't waste your precious lovely self on them, if you know they aren't right. It's bye bye. You call the shots. You are in control. Many guys actually like this. Learn to be content being alone, trusting God and the universe to know exactly what you need. Because you have made it clear to yourself and them what you want and need. Speak it out loud Lacey. Then be content knowing that all is well and he's coming your way soon.
One more piece of advice. Remember you can do what ever you want these are just suggestions. When you feel you have found him, you will know it, i will be different. DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM! at least for 2 or 3 months, the longer the better. Yes, it's hard. But you will reel him in big time. Especially if your looking for a ring on your finger. The freindship and bond you will create, let alone the trust will be worth the wait.
You are already breaking the pattern. Now break out be completely free from guys who don't hold a candle to you! Don't call, don't text that bloody bloke. God and the universe are waiting for you to call upon them. You deserve the best Lacey!
I have to say I love Pirate's response to you! Go read it again. You are entitled to have self - pity days. You can play the self - pity card, it's not like your playing the whole deck.
I do not think of you as a drain here on this board I think of you as a beacon of light. A good friend who reaches out to someone in a time of need. Someone who shares her laughter, her joy and parts of her heart that hurt. It's good to share are disappointments with others. We weren't meant to carry them alone in this world.
A see a beautiful woman who is a good friend, daughter, sister, auntie. A talented artist!!! A talented writer. A good listener. Has a great sense of humor about others and herself. You are also an attractive woman still young too! She is in search of a soul mate. She will know when she finds him.
Make a long list of what you want in your partner. Edit it, as of course there's no Mr. perfect on the planet. Tell your self something like they must pass my list with a B or, whatever grade you decide on. Go over it with a friend, sis, mom. Don't settle for second best. Then pray about. Give it up to the Universe, let her do her magic.
Interview those blokes. This can be done on first & second dates. Weed them out. Don't waste your precious lovely self on them, if you know they aren't right. It's bye bye. You call the shots. You are in control. Many guys actually like this. Learn to be content being alone, trusting God and the universe to know exactly what you need. Because you have made it clear to yourself and them what you want and need. Speak it out loud Lacey. Then be content knowing that all is well and he's coming your way soon.
One more piece of advice. Remember you can do what ever you want these are just suggestions. When you feel you have found him, you will know it, i will be different. DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM! at least for 2 or 3 months, the longer the better. Yes, it's hard. But you will reel him in big time. Especially if your looking for a ring on your finger. The freindship and bond you will create, let alone the trust will be worth the wait.
You are already breaking the pattern. Now break out be completely free from guys who don't hold a candle to you! Don't call, don't text that bloody bloke. God and the universe are waiting for you to call upon them. You deserve the best Lacey!
Lacey, the guys a scotsman... he must be good for you lol. Take it easy, Kev
Lacey,
Thank you for sharing....God, I got a lot out of your share and I love it when you're so open and honest as I learn so much from you....
Some of the things one of my sponsors suggested early on and I still do to this day are positive affirmations each day. She told me every time I thought a negative thought about myself, I had to immediately stop and find 7 positives about myself and write them down and work on believing them. She suggested journaling and putting the feelings and thoughts down on paper. I was told to treat myself how I would like others to treat me and as time goes on, that aura will become me. Pray for the willingness to change, the willingness to be okay with exactly who you are.
You are such a beautiful spirit and help so many people that I have faith that in God's time, at the exact moment it is supposed to happen, you will find you're soulmate and it'll probably happen when you least expect it, when you're not looking for it rather just living your life, comfortable with you.
(((hugs)))
Love ya, girl.
Stacey
Thank you for sharing....God, I got a lot out of your share and I love it when you're so open and honest as I learn so much from you....
| QUOTE |
| Can't do it anymore. I have got to change, I have realised I can't make them change, I have got to, and it starts here and now. |
Some of the things one of my sponsors suggested early on and I still do to this day are positive affirmations each day. She told me every time I thought a negative thought about myself, I had to immediately stop and find 7 positives about myself and write them down and work on believing them. She suggested journaling and putting the feelings and thoughts down on paper. I was told to treat myself how I would like others to treat me and as time goes on, that aura will become me. Pray for the willingness to change, the willingness to be okay with exactly who you are.
You are such a beautiful spirit and help so many people that I have faith that in God's time, at the exact moment it is supposed to happen, you will find you're soulmate and it'll probably happen when you least expect it, when you're not looking for it rather just living your life, comfortable with you.
(((hugs)))
Love ya, girl.
Stacey
Hi Lacey,
Thanks for your post. I know it's not easy when you hear things like learn to love yourself first and the right guy will appear, but I guess it might be true. I suppose as challenging and all as guys can be, it is really nice to just have someone to do things with even as simple as going to the movies or for a walk or whatever. I remember when I first played with the idea that I had a serious drinking problem, a big part of me thought well how are you ever going to meet someone if you don't go to the pub or the club or wherever it is. It struck panic in me so I chose to ignore the 'problem' and carried on drinking.
As you might have guessed I didn't meet Mr Right in the pub. Because the way I drank I probably sent most guys running for the hills.
I really believe though that as my mother says 'for every old sock there's an old shoe' and I bet there is someone out there for you just waiting to be met.
Hang in there and when you do meet him you will be sober and feeling your best and that is a great place to start any new relationship from.
Best of luck xx
Thanks for your post. I know it's not easy when you hear things like learn to love yourself first and the right guy will appear, but I guess it might be true. I suppose as challenging and all as guys can be, it is really nice to just have someone to do things with even as simple as going to the movies or for a walk or whatever. I remember when I first played with the idea that I had a serious drinking problem, a big part of me thought well how are you ever going to meet someone if you don't go to the pub or the club or wherever it is. It struck panic in me so I chose to ignore the 'problem' and carried on drinking.
As you might have guessed I didn't meet Mr Right in the pub. Because the way I drank I probably sent most guys running for the hills.
I really believe though that as my mother says 'for every old sock there's an old shoe' and I bet there is someone out there for you just waiting to be met.
Hang in there and when you do meet him you will be sober and feeling your best and that is a great place to start any new relationship from.
Best of luck xx
Thanks once again for the help you good people are giving me. I do really appreciate it. I have been rather too self absorbed again lately to be able to contribute much, but it will happen again soon.
So, I know that I have to learn to love myself now. I have to free myself from this awful cycle of self hate. I am not sure exactly how, but I am starting with just living well. Making my bed, being organised, eating properly, working hard and respecting other people and myself.
The man I saw at the weekend did get in touch to say he got home ok. My insecurity didn't give him alot of time to do it. Instantly just wasn't good enough!! He hadn't got credit until later on in the day. I am not looking to him now for anything though. The love has to come from within me, for me. The need to find a partner is just to be loved by someone, that I now know, but I can't get that love from outside if I haven't got it within. I am going to take small steps every day in learning how to love me. This is completely new to me and I don't really know how to do it, but I have started with affirmations about loving and accepting myself. With time, surely I will learn what loving myself is. I guess life will change even more as I do this - as if it hasn't changed enough already!!
So the idea of a partner has to go on the backburner again. As if I haven't been alone for long enough. I have been single nearly two years now. Before that was three years of living with a heroin addict - there was no love there. Before that was years of just messing around with various dodgy blokes - no love there. Before that a year with a violent alcoholic - no love there. Before that, well Dan. There was alot of love there, but he got killed in a motorbike accident. So for the last 12 years there has been no love in my life coming from any direction and it has been so so so painful. Maybe if only I had of realised that if I loved myself I wouldn't have felt so horrendous. It is grim.
So, here is to me loving myself!! I am two years sober tomorrow. I bought myself some presents; a bracelet, some incense and some chocolates!
I think this might be one of the biggest lessons in my life. I ask anyone reading this to ask themselves whether they love and value themselves. Really - from inside, not from the ego. If the answer is no, then let us start to learn to love ourselves, and help each other do this. And let's see what happens, because I surely don't know!!!
So, I know that I have to learn to love myself now. I have to free myself from this awful cycle of self hate. I am not sure exactly how, but I am starting with just living well. Making my bed, being organised, eating properly, working hard and respecting other people and myself.
The man I saw at the weekend did get in touch to say he got home ok. My insecurity didn't give him alot of time to do it. Instantly just wasn't good enough!! He hadn't got credit until later on in the day. I am not looking to him now for anything though. The love has to come from within me, for me. The need to find a partner is just to be loved by someone, that I now know, but I can't get that love from outside if I haven't got it within. I am going to take small steps every day in learning how to love me. This is completely new to me and I don't really know how to do it, but I have started with affirmations about loving and accepting myself. With time, surely I will learn what loving myself is. I guess life will change even more as I do this - as if it hasn't changed enough already!!
So the idea of a partner has to go on the backburner again. As if I haven't been alone for long enough. I have been single nearly two years now. Before that was three years of living with a heroin addict - there was no love there. Before that was years of just messing around with various dodgy blokes - no love there. Before that a year with a violent alcoholic - no love there. Before that, well Dan. There was alot of love there, but he got killed in a motorbike accident. So for the last 12 years there has been no love in my life coming from any direction and it has been so so so painful. Maybe if only I had of realised that if I loved myself I wouldn't have felt so horrendous. It is grim.
So, here is to me loving myself!! I am two years sober tomorrow. I bought myself some presents; a bracelet, some incense and some chocolates!
I think this might be one of the biggest lessons in my life. I ask anyone reading this to ask themselves whether they love and value themselves. Really - from inside, not from the ego. If the answer is no, then let us start to learn to love ourselves, and help each other do this. And let's see what happens, because I surely don't know!!!
Lacey I don't think any of us loved ourselves. I think that is a big issue with us alcoholics.We have all tried to drown our self hate with booze only to do things that made us dislike ourselves more. We have washed away our self love,our self worth,our self esteem with alcohol. Now its time to get it back. One day at a time ,one thing at a time. It won't come overnight any more than we destroyed ourselves overnight. It will be a struggle but a process which we need in order to live as God intended us to live. We have to start by forgiving ourselves. That is what I am trying to do.It's easier said than done because it will be a while before I can look in the mirror and like who I see but I believe with forgiveness will come self love. I am the same as you, in that I have to learn to love myself. I guess we all do,the ones of us that are still struggling with our addictions and trying to find our way back up. There are some who have completed their programs,their 12 steps or whatever worked for them and they have found self love. So that gives me great HOPE that I can be like them.I will try and learn from them,from their experiences and from their advice. Lacey there is a site I get mail from daily it is called the Inner Journey. If you like you can check it out. I think you will find it at The Inner journey.com. There is lots of good inspirational reading there that is mailed to you everyday. That is if you like that sort of thing. I find it helps me. and everyday I read an uplifting quote just to give me a little boost. so here is a little quote that I hope will help you along your day."the first step toward change is acceptance. Once you accept yourself,you open the door to change. That's all you have to do. Change is not something you do,its something you allow.......will Garcia " Take care lacey and even a little seed of hope is better than none because the great oak came from nothing but a little seed. God bless and be safe (((((( )))))
Lacey
wow powerful thread.
I think that as you truly begin to love yourself then in time the right person will come into your life. Because then you will be projecting love and loving and that love will attract the right person to you.
But it will not happen until its meant to be.
And open your mind and heart - you may be very surprised at the person you attract. Someone completed unexpected.
You say this has happened before, that's maybe because due to your own issues you are attracting the wrong type of person for you. So the person you find when you learn to love yourself may be very very different from those you attracted in the past - so make sure you are open to that.
I'm sure it feels lonely Lacey - but allow yourself the time to heal. Because you can still be VERY lonely in the wrong kind of relationship. And the relationships that develop out of loneliness and insecurity often are abusive or co-dependent ones.
thanks for sharing this Lacey - it was very helpful.
Idgie
wow powerful thread.
I think that as you truly begin to love yourself then in time the right person will come into your life. Because then you will be projecting love and loving and that love will attract the right person to you.
But it will not happen until its meant to be.
And open your mind and heart - you may be very surprised at the person you attract. Someone completed unexpected.
You say this has happened before, that's maybe because due to your own issues you are attracting the wrong type of person for you. So the person you find when you learn to love yourself may be very very different from those you attracted in the past - so make sure you are open to that.
I'm sure it feels lonely Lacey - but allow yourself the time to heal. Because you can still be VERY lonely in the wrong kind of relationship. And the relationships that develop out of loneliness and insecurity often are abusive or co-dependent ones.
thanks for sharing this Lacey - it was very helpful.
Idgie
Thanks fore this thread Lacey. It has hlped me a lot.
Yeah i second what calabash said. Gongrats on your 2 years Lacey. Spoil yourself today!!!!!!! Kev
