I do my best thinking in the shower. this morning, I was standing there reciting, again, step 11, the whole, "..conscious contact with MY God.." thing, trying to get ready for another Monday and it occured to me: I haven't normally asked Him/Her/It for much of anything out of the norm from my past life. I mean, I ALWAYS have wanted to know what His/Her/Its plans for me was and, as a result of not hearing it (or not knowing it when I heard it), I became prolific at the abundance of His/Her/Its bounty of grapes, barley, and grains. Being the naturalist and internalist, all this 'God given" bounty HAD to be alright, right? I even justified that maybe He/She/It wanted me to be a drunk as an example for others who, "Had it all and pissed it away."
No kidding, I rationalized THAT, too!
Sheesh. How do we know when He/She/It is sending us the mail?
I go to 'group' every day I can, now. Yesterday, while feeling isolated, I wobbled into a meeting to see as many as 5 new faces. Most, like my first days, stared at their shoes, fidgeted, and some held 'sign-off sheets' that needed to be signed by the group lead to prove they'd come to a meeting. the angst and contempt is sad, really. The solution is so easy, so simple, so painfree and uplifting when we've tried everything else.
Anyway, I couldn't help but feel sorry for one individual in particular. I hope they come back, but I suspect alot of oldtimers have become numb to the passings of individuals. It's almost like there's a wait-and-see mentality. Everyone is cordially welcomed in with honestness, hope and openess--and it's freely given. I hope I can get to that point where I don't feel pity.
Oh. And thanks for letting me blather on.
Anyway, I couldn't help but feel sorry for one individual in particular. I hope they come back, but I suspect alot of oldtimers have become numb to the passings of individuals. It's almost like there's a wait-and-see mentality. Everyone is cordially welcomed in with honestness, hope and openess--and it's freely given. I hope I can get to that point where I don't feel pity.
Oh. And thanks for letting me blather on.
Yes, I know the feeling...when I was newly sober I met a couple who had years of sobriety and they both went out, like when I was less than 90 days sober...they had welcomed me in and I enjoyed seeing them on a daily basis, I remember exactly how I felt when I heard...they both struggled in and out for the last few years and I haven't seen them as of late at meetings...but for me, no the sadness I feel when one "of us" goes out will never go away for me, I believe, but when folks make it back to AA or when I meet newcomers it brings joy to me cause they've found their way into the rooms.
I miss meetings when I can't get to them, but I'm not quite so frantic if I do anymore--namely because I know they're going to be there tomorrow. I still don't have an individual sponsor and I'm fine with it because I use the group as my sponsor to go through the steps. Seems like so many folks just seem to think that once a step is "complete" that it's on to the next one. I find myself kind of reviewing them over and over and, depending on what day it is, focusing on one or two. You know? Like, if I have a particular time with working on my moral shortcomings I tend to get stuck on that step--but just for the day. Then the next day it might be "let go and let God," and then something else. I've found that if I'm not working SOME step, I'm not comfortable. Constant obsessions on "progress not perfection," seems to be the catalyst for MY growth.
You?
You?
