I need any advice, tips, etc. anyone can give me to help my mom remove her blinders and see my niece's heroin addiction, and realize all the lies that she has been told. It will absolutely crush her if she lets herself believe the truth, but I can't let my niece's addiction pull my mother's life down anymore.
I also posted the following under the "heroin" board because I was hoping to get a heroin addict's input on the situation, but if anyone out there who is on the other side of addiction can help, please do.
My niece is a heroin addict. She has a story that is similar to most Heroin addicts. She has been using for years, in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, so on and so forth. She was living with her paternal grandparents, got kicked out for using, and for the past four years has lived with my mom and stepdad. That is, when she wasn't in jail. She is very savvy with her addiction, she knows how to manipulate people very easily and she is highly functional in her daily life, to the point where you can't tell 100% if she is using.
Why am I asking for people to help me save my mom, if my niece is the addict? My mom is a hardcore enabler who has believed sooooo many lies that my niece has told her. It's hard to understand how she can believe some things. For instance, at one point my stepdad pointed out that my niece had bumps all over her arms (track marks) and when my niece told my mom they were flea bites, my mom believed her 100%. It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry, knowing how selfishly my niece will use my mom like this. My mom does everything simply because she loves her family, but if my mom does not open her eyes to this she will kill my niece with her love, she will lose my stepfather (who is an alcoholic and has relapsed over the past year) and who knows what else will happen, all as a result of my niece's addiction.
My second oldest sister and I have felt strongly that when my niece was released from jail this past time, she continued to use. We didn't have any hard evidence until today. My older sister (my niece's mother) sent us a pic of the inside of my niece's purse, which contains three orange capped syringes. We are getting together to plan some kind of intervention.
I don't want my niece to kill herself with this poison, but my first priority is to save my mom. I need advice, tips, direction, anything you can give me that might help us. Thank you for any input you can give.
I'm in the same boat. My mom falls for the lies my sister keeps using. I got into an argument with my mom this weekend when my mom told me my sister is moving back in. Apparently my sister called my mom, crying, that she doesn't like feeling homeless, bouncing around friend's houses. My mom thinks she will go to rehab. This is probably the 3rd cycle and I know my sister will not go to rehab.
I am trying to get my mom to do research. I invited her to this forum. Nothing has worked.
How does one deal with enablers?
I am trying to get my mom to do research. I invited her to this forum. Nothing has worked.
How does one deal with enablers?
With my mom, I feel like it is especially hard because she isn't an enabler who is helping my niece get drugs. She flat out doesn't think my niece has used in a long time, despite my niece testing positive while on parole and despite the probation officers finding needles among my niece's things and throwing her in jail this past time. My mom literally thinks the police set my niece up because she was going to testify in a lawsuit against our correctional facility. I am hoping to get hold of my niece's purse and show my mom for herself, evidence she cannot deny, but I feel like she still will deny my niece has been using this whole time.
Enabling is an addiction just like drug addiction! You think and convince yourself that you are helping the addict and doing what is best for them. But in fact, you are helping them kill themselves and continue their pattern of addiction. As long as they have someone to fall back on it will never change.
Your mom can't change your niece--only herself. Until she faces the fact that what she is doing is harming your niece, nothing will change.
The only help that I know of for "enabler addiction" is Alanon and Naranon.
Con or Pappa Bear----anything else she could do????
Your mom can't change your niece--only herself. Until she faces the fact that what she is doing is harming your niece, nothing will change.
The only help that I know of for "enabler addiction" is Alanon and Naranon.
Con or Pappa Bear----anything else she could do????
That is a good way to think of it - enabling is an addiction itself. Constantine gave me some good insight under the other post I made today, similar to what you are saying. I guess if my mom refuses to accept the truth when we confront her, we should have bottom lines and such for her? And...I guess she won't change unless she WANTS to... :(
.. telling your mom your niece is a heroin addict and having her deny it despite all evidence to the contrary. .. is like telling the addict they have a problem and having the addict deny it despite all evidence to the contrary....you cant fix it...unless they want it...your mom can't fix the addict and you can't fix your mom...you are enabling too...set your boundaries. ..and only yours...stick to them..and love them as best you can ...
The Al-Anons and Nar-Anons are ~ as sick as the AA/NAs.
They all work the same 12 Steps.
AA/NAs are addicted to the substance and Anons are addicted to the addict/alcoholic
Usually each blame the other .... and don't/can't look at themselves.
We are all addicted to our way of thinking.
All the best.
Bob
They all work the same 12 Steps.
AA/NAs are addicted to the substance and Anons are addicted to the addict/alcoholic
Usually each blame the other .... and don't/can't look at themselves.
We are all addicted to our way of thinking.
All the best.
Bob
Papa
You are so right !!!
I'm an addict of my addict son.
I'm going to my meetings and making some changes.
Hugs
Paula
You are so right !!!
I'm an addict of my addict son.
I'm going to my meetings and making some changes.
Hugs
Paula
Your moms may not believe the lies 100% , but at this point she (mom) might be feeling it is easier to give in than to confront and follow through. Get your Mom's to Nar-Anon and / or buy some books - the NA book (big book ? black book?) here is a good book I bought when I was attending Nar-anon. I was able to buy it at the meeting at a discounted price: SESH - Sharing, Experience, Strength & Hope, Nar-anon Family.
In it she will learn that the stories are all the same and the addict is not going to stop until they are forced to stop. Usually by being homeless and jobless.
and then they recover by getting a job and having to pay their own rent and feed themselves. Unfortunately, any hand out from family enables them to continue on their merry drug addicted path.
Also, unfortunately, cutting the purse strings is difficult and heart wrenching too. and watching your loved one struggle between addicted life and independence can be a very long and painful trip for everyone.
The sad part is that some do not make it. But we wont know until we try. until they try. the only way they stop using is when they are clean enough for periods long enough that they feel and understand that they need to suffer or prosper from their own decision and responsibilities.
PS - they always say the right things that you want to hear.... so then you give them $20 bucks for pizza because they are starving and things will be better tomorrow.
Hey... us enablers struggle with that one. when they appear to be clean and trying it is OK to help a little. but they still need to prove they are not using - by showing receipts, and being accountable for their actions. When you feel you are being snowed and steam-rolled... let go and get out of the way.
My son is struggling with recovery, he is working, renting a room, is not happy, but is trying. I think he is half in and half out of the addiction - meaning, I think he still uses sometimes. But... this week he has been more talkative about getting this behind him, and making right decisions. and possibly seeing a dr to have correct medicine prescribed because he 'wants to live like a normal person'....but he has pain and anxiety that pushes him to buy off the street... etc... but he does not have insurance.... and so on.... it gets complicated when trying to get back on their feet again. while still living in it and working in it, trying to ignore the wrong path and stay on the good path..... idk... why life seems easy for most but complicated for others..... so I will be there for him to talk to and problem solve. I think it is good he is talking... idk yet if it just talk... or he is fishing... I do feel that each month he get closer to recovery. He has been in 'recovery' for 8 months. sorry for rambling...
All of the stories can be half lie or half truth.. you dont know which is which... BUT it should not be for us to try to decide... you just go with your gut and hope for the best and cut them off when you know they are not telling the truth, or if they cant follow through on something they've agreed on.
See the List of WHAT NOT TO DO posted by someone else... it keeps getting reposted. It is a very good list...
Go to Nar-Anon - it gave me the awareness and strength to make a change for ME! It made me see that nothing will change until I Change.
In it she will learn that the stories are all the same and the addict is not going to stop until they are forced to stop. Usually by being homeless and jobless.
and then they recover by getting a job and having to pay their own rent and feed themselves. Unfortunately, any hand out from family enables them to continue on their merry drug addicted path.
Also, unfortunately, cutting the purse strings is difficult and heart wrenching too. and watching your loved one struggle between addicted life and independence can be a very long and painful trip for everyone.
The sad part is that some do not make it. But we wont know until we try. until they try. the only way they stop using is when they are clean enough for periods long enough that they feel and understand that they need to suffer or prosper from their own decision and responsibilities.
PS - they always say the right things that you want to hear.... so then you give them $20 bucks for pizza because they are starving and things will be better tomorrow.
Hey... us enablers struggle with that one. when they appear to be clean and trying it is OK to help a little. but they still need to prove they are not using - by showing receipts, and being accountable for their actions. When you feel you are being snowed and steam-rolled... let go and get out of the way.
My son is struggling with recovery, he is working, renting a room, is not happy, but is trying. I think he is half in and half out of the addiction - meaning, I think he still uses sometimes. But... this week he has been more talkative about getting this behind him, and making right decisions. and possibly seeing a dr to have correct medicine prescribed because he 'wants to live like a normal person'....but he has pain and anxiety that pushes him to buy off the street... etc... but he does not have insurance.... and so on.... it gets complicated when trying to get back on their feet again. while still living in it and working in it, trying to ignore the wrong path and stay on the good path..... idk... why life seems easy for most but complicated for others..... so I will be there for him to talk to and problem solve. I think it is good he is talking... idk yet if it just talk... or he is fishing... I do feel that each month he get closer to recovery. He has been in 'recovery' for 8 months. sorry for rambling...
All of the stories can be half lie or half truth.. you dont know which is which... BUT it should not be for us to try to decide... you just go with your gut and hope for the best and cut them off when you know they are not telling the truth, or if they cant follow through on something they've agreed on.
See the List of WHAT NOT TO DO posted by someone else... it keeps getting reposted. It is a very good list...
Go to Nar-Anon - it gave me the awareness and strength to make a change for ME! It made me see that nothing will change until I Change.
it took me a long time to get it. The same old information I had for years eventually mean something. Wait, so I'm addicted to the addict!? Yes we are. We drive them to use even but we truly believe all we want is for them to stop. It's a very immature relationship that codependents and addicts have, both are sick, both need help, both need to want the help and for the right reason - self improvement.
