I have a wonderful boyfriend who says he's been clean for several years. Unfortunately he is becomeing not so wonderful. I think he's still using ice, but I can't be sure because he is very clever and I will never be able to catch him in the act. All the signs are there but he would never tell me the truth. Probably out of guilt and shame. I love him very much, enough to want to stay with him and pray he will come clean. He has two beautiful children he has full coustody of. The mother is also an addict who is no longer in the picture. He claims he stopped for his children and also to gain coustody of them. He is imposible to talk to. As soon as I bring up something he turns it around on me and it becomes this merry-go.-round argument. He has been violent, verbaly abusive and unavailable. He sleeps for 3 days at a time and then goes for a week only sleeping 2 or 3 hours a night. He acts very hurt that his family dosent believe that he is drug free. I want to believe him, how can I be sure?
Drop him.
Hi Karen
sorry that you are enduring such pain. You ask "is he using" but you know that he is. I suspect you are really thinking "if I admit to myself that he is using I have to act, but don't know what to do." I believe you have to think about his kids too, which sucks since they have both parents, yet can't protect themselves. What a pickle!
I don't know your partner, I don't know which buttons you need to press in order to get him to face up to his problem again. For my partner, it was her kids. I told her I would move out and take the kids and that she knew she would let me, so she admitted she was an addict and did something about it and was clean in 2 weeks.
Are these kids getting the care they need, it doesn't sound like it if the custodial parent is violent, aggressive & sleeping for 3 days at a time. I know this is brutal, but I would call protective services and tell them these kids are in danger and that you are acting as de facto parent. I would seek an interim custodial order and take those kids to a safe place. If losing his family doesn't get his attention, nothing will.
You have a choice, you can walk. These kids need someone to protect them.
best wishes and good luck in finding the answers you need.
Sean
sorry that you are enduring such pain. You ask "is he using" but you know that he is. I suspect you are really thinking "if I admit to myself that he is using I have to act, but don't know what to do." I believe you have to think about his kids too, which sucks since they have both parents, yet can't protect themselves. What a pickle!
I don't know your partner, I don't know which buttons you need to press in order to get him to face up to his problem again. For my partner, it was her kids. I told her I would move out and take the kids and that she knew she would let me, so she admitted she was an addict and did something about it and was clean in 2 weeks.
Are these kids getting the care they need, it doesn't sound like it if the custodial parent is violent, aggressive & sleeping for 3 days at a time. I know this is brutal, but I would call protective services and tell them these kids are in danger and that you are acting as de facto parent. I would seek an interim custodial order and take those kids to a safe place. If losing his family doesn't get his attention, nothing will.
You have a choice, you can walk. These kids need someone to protect them.
best wishes and good luck in finding the answers you need.
Sean
He is liying to you
Thankyou everyone for your responses. I wish i could offer encouraging words to others but right now i'm so lost and confused I bearly know what i'm doing. so far i' ve gotten some pretty straight forward answers from everyone who has responded. the answer to sean's question about his kids is that they will be fine. he and the children are living at his parents who are wonderful people and know whats going on. they have practically raised his kids since they were born and wouldnt think twice about taking costody. that is part of what kamalu (my boyfriend) says is his problem. he says he acts this way due to depression and stress because of his family. they doubt him about the drugs. he has a large family, 7 brothers and sisters, all of whom are doing well except for one other who also smokes. kamalu is the black sheep. they all love him very much but no one can get close to him because he is impossible to reason with. he says no one listens to him but when they try he blames them. he says such hurtful things and drives them all away just like he is doing to me now. i believe that he has alot of issues with his family from when they were kids especialy with his mother. i also believe he suffers from depression. i know what that is because i have it too. but he is exceptionaly intelligent and really is a warm and caring person. he reminds me of me so much because i grew up in a disfunctional home also. my father was an alcholic. i say he was because he is dead now because of it. part of me understands him and wants to help and comfort him. the problem is he can be so ugly. we cant go through one day together with out fighting. he is so defensive. he looks for ways to take everything wrong. he is so angry. his life is not going very well right now so i can understand his frustration. he feels hes in a fish bowl living with his parents trying to prove he can raise his children. hes a great father when hes mentally and physicaly available to them.but he seems to be there only when he wants to. when its good for him. when hes not there he complains that know one tells him anything which to me is understandable, 1 because of the way he reacts and 2 because they'er sick of him only being around when he wants to. most of the rest of the time hes with me. he says that i make him choose but i dont, i want all of us to do things together.then when he has the chance to be with them he takes off. he contradicts himself with that.
so on the one hand alot of his actions i think are due to depression from all his failiers but there is too much else that dosnt make sense like his sleeping patterns. he sweats alot usually with no cause. he needs to go in the bathroom twice a day for a half an hour each time, he is extremely moody and sometimes violent. hes never hit me but hes pushed me around alittle, hid my car keys and my purse, prevented me from leaving, busted out my car window, and broken my roomates phone not to mention the way he screams at me all the time usually about nothing. it seems hes taking out all his frustation with himself on me and his family and his kids.is he just being imature and this is part of his personality or is he smoking. i want to believe him. i love him. when its good its really good. there is a beautiful person in there some where. i know, ive seen it. we live in hawaii and i am from wisconsin originaly. i moved to hawaii a year ago. i dont have a job any more because of all this and he lost his job too. i told him im going back to wisconsin because we need some time apart. there im going back to school and try to work on healing myself through church and alanon. i said i am not giving up on him. he needs to clean up his act. when he does ill be back. i hope i have the strength. this is so hard. i want to stay in hawaii and do all this. i love it here. but he has been threatening me so now im afraid this island isnt big enough for the both of us. any way im just rambling on now. i apreciate any feedaback. for now i can only pray and take care of myself. i will pray for all of you also. thankyou to everyone.
so on the one hand alot of his actions i think are due to depression from all his failiers but there is too much else that dosnt make sense like his sleeping patterns. he sweats alot usually with no cause. he needs to go in the bathroom twice a day for a half an hour each time, he is extremely moody and sometimes violent. hes never hit me but hes pushed me around alittle, hid my car keys and my purse, prevented me from leaving, busted out my car window, and broken my roomates phone not to mention the way he screams at me all the time usually about nothing. it seems hes taking out all his frustation with himself on me and his family and his kids.is he just being imature and this is part of his personality or is he smoking. i want to believe him. i love him. when its good its really good. there is a beautiful person in there some where. i know, ive seen it. we live in hawaii and i am from wisconsin originaly. i moved to hawaii a year ago. i dont have a job any more because of all this and he lost his job too. i told him im going back to wisconsin because we need some time apart. there im going back to school and try to work on healing myself through church and alanon. i said i am not giving up on him. he needs to clean up his act. when he does ill be back. i hope i have the strength. this is so hard. i want to stay in hawaii and do all this. i love it here. but he has been threatening me so now im afraid this island isnt big enough for the both of us. any way im just rambling on now. i apreciate any feedaback. for now i can only pray and take care of myself. i will pray for all of you also. thankyou to everyone.
What an awful situation to be in, you are truly in my thoughts. I think it is clear that he is using.
Read your last post back, out loud, as if someone else wrote it about their partner and you will see just how unwell your partner is.
What do you think it will take for him to address his problem, how much lower does he need to get?
Think about.. it is really bad. You are scared, he has effectively lost his kids, he is about to lose you. Maybe you actually going will be rock-bottom for him. In any case, IU can't see how you can stay in a situation where he can't love you. I know he loves you, but he isn't *being* loving, I would stay away until he can be.
love and best wishes
Sean
Read your last post back, out loud, as if someone else wrote it about their partner and you will see just how unwell your partner is.
What do you think it will take for him to address his problem, how much lower does he need to get?
Think about.. it is really bad. You are scared, he has effectively lost his kids, he is about to lose you. Maybe you actually going will be rock-bottom for him. In any case, IU can't see how you can stay in a situation where he can't love you. I know he loves you, but he isn't *being* loving, I would stay away until he can be.
love and best wishes
Sean
i have been in a similar situation, i have been with my partner for over two years now ans given him everything, i know he was a user of crack, herion, and alsorts, he went to spain and got clean the went on percribed meth after taking h again once or twice.
we were together for two years and he promised he was gradually comming off meth with the doctors supervision, two weeks ago we had a big argument as i found evidence of him taking more meth, but i gave him that chance as he said it was'nt his.
i have now found two large bottles of meth unperscribed (i know for sure) so i finished with him. i love him so much but i know well i think i know i cant go back? but i keep saying he was only on 50mg is that a lot??? can he ever get off this stuff, i have read so much about it, i know i could never trust him again, so would i be happy, i know no one can tell me what to do, but i need some advice form anybody knows or anybody who has been on it and can tell me truthfully has he any chance.
the trouble is i know my parents would never except him again, as he did all this when he was living with me and my parents. please help me decide what to do, shall i give him another chance?
we were together for two years and he promised he was gradually comming off meth with the doctors supervision, two weeks ago we had a big argument as i found evidence of him taking more meth, but i gave him that chance as he said it was'nt his.
i have now found two large bottles of meth unperscribed (i know for sure) so i finished with him. i love him so much but i know well i think i know i cant go back? but i keep saying he was only on 50mg is that a lot??? can he ever get off this stuff, i have read so much about it, i know i could never trust him again, so would i be happy, i know no one can tell me what to do, but i need some advice form anybody knows or anybody who has been on it and can tell me truthfully has he any chance.
the trouble is i know my parents would never except him again, as he did all this when he was living with me and my parents. please help me decide what to do, shall i give him another chance?
Lou
I havent been in your position, but it seems to me that you are confusing two issues, the first one being the seriousness of his problem and the second one being how much more you are prepared to take.
Further, he has all the chances in the world to get clean, whether you are there or not. You know he is lying to you, its just a matter of what you are prepared to put up.
He can always find you if he ever gets clean, make it his choice.... not yours
love and best wishes
Sean
I havent been in your position, but it seems to me that you are confusing two issues, the first one being the seriousness of his problem and the second one being how much more you are prepared to take.
Further, he has all the chances in the world to get clean, whether you are there or not. You know he is lying to you, its just a matter of what you are prepared to put up.
He can always find you if he ever gets clean, make it his choice.... not yours
love and best wishes
Sean
thankyou so much to all who has responded to me. sean especially. you are all so brave and strong and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. you will all be in my prayers. the only advice i can give at this sorrowful moment in my life is to do whats best for you. take care of yourself. if you're not ok, you wont be any good to anyone else. be strong and try to forgive. know you are not alone and it could always be worse. be thankful for what you have. love yourself first. ok, enough of that. i made my plane reservation to leave monday. kamalu will have his sister (whom ive been talking to about all this) and the rest of his family to kick him in the *&%#*!!!! they are going to be kind enough to keep in touch with me and keep me informed. god bless and be strong! love and hugs, karen
