My son completed his 7 day detox today. The first time he has completed a program. We had a crazy couple of days. At first we thought his job was not going to take him back. He thought long and hard about what to do. He decided going to CA for a 30 days sober living / IOP program was best for him. We couldn't get insurance approval. He was pretty bummed. Then his job finally got back to us and said he can start work again on Tuesday. They understood what he is going thru. He was very happy with that. One minute later we got insurance approval for him to go to CA. He said mom I think i should go to CA. If i stay here i still have the numbers and know where to go to get drugs. I said J if you want drugs you will find them no matter what state. He agrees with the recommendation of the detox place and agreed to go to CA and do the work to begin a true recover...He has only $100 left in his account. We agreed to pay for this plane ticket to CA. Is that enabling? Do we let his car and insurance payments linger behind and let him worry about when he returns / if he returns? Or let the repo start? I dont want to enable him. This seems to be his first true attempt at recovery. Do i go with if you are doing the work we may help? or just let it go and see where it falls? Going to be hard to say good bye to him today, but I would rather have alive in CA then doing drugs in NJ.
Geez....thats a tough one. I just don't know what to tell you. My parents enabled me for YEARS. I had a few bouts of sobriety and back at it again at 50 yrs old....they are both gone now and the buck finally stops with me. My parents would NOT have put up with as much s*** as they did if it wasn't for my KIDS....they didn't want them to suffer. I really do think its ok to help IF someone is TRULY trying to stay sober....but that is one big HELL OF AN IF. We lie as addicts so often....and MANY times we do MEAN what we say...we simply just aren't ready to stop although we want it. Also its VERY true that the drugs are EVERYWHERE.....if you are strapped for money there is NO reason he can't get sober here....wouldnt we all like to fly to CALI? He is going to have to deal with it sooner or later.
That was my thought if he wants drugs he will get them. He did say however, here he knows where to call and who to call. We are hoping that 30 days without anything will help him think clearer and get to the bottom of his emotional issues. We are not strapped for money at this moment but I also don't want to make a habit of bailing him out or we will be broke quickly. He has never had more than 7 days clean of everything including pot and today he has... granted in a detox place but still a little hope. If he can get to a full 30+ days we are hopeful he will regain who he wants to be. I think i will wait and see what happens when he gets there. He is already talking about just staying there. I am not sure that will happen, but maybe its his new beginning. Just hope the train doesn't smack us right in the face again. So difficult to have any hope.
I read your post and signed up in order to respond. It sounds like you are not wanting to be enabling and are very aware. My two cents...detox is a great beginning, but it doesn't teach you the tools to stay sober. It sounds like your son wants to go to sober living, so that's a plus. One option to consider is to see if the bank or whoever holds the car loan would agree to a one or two month grace period while your son is in sober living? That way he would not lose his car and you're not on the hook to make payments. The insurance...my son has been in detox/residential for 30 days and was able to get his insurance "held". Granted, his car is paid off (it's an old car lol) but that is how he is handling it.
mt girl... great ideas thanks for the thoughts i will make a couple of calls to insurance and car loan to see what they can do for him. Never would have thought of that. I am very cautiously optimistic this time might be the time he really follows it all the way to the end. At least in CA he cant make a phone call and get someone to pick him up :) Hoping its the change he needs to get his head straight. It sounds like he is saying the right things, but we can never be sure. Thanks for your input
Jmom, I was wondering if your son left for the out of state rehab place. My younger son has had pretty significant addiction issues for the last 11 years and has been in many different treatment settings. I wish your son the best and will keep my fingers crossed.
Yes he left for CA last Thursday. He is currently going to groups and living in a sober living house. He is now 11 days clean. He did tell me 3 others got kicked out of the house yesterday for using meth in the house! That scares me a little, but I have to believe he is in a good spot and really trying this time. He is missing home, but wants to finish this program. He may consider staying there and getting a job there, but nothing is for certain yet. I am making phone calls today for his car and bike to see if we can delay the payments. He has a job in NJ if he decides to come back which helps I think.
Eleven years of dealing with addiction... god bless you. It is exhausting at times. There are times i wonder how much more I can deal with. Hang in there, all we have is hope sometimes, and most times it's the only good we have. Good luck!
Eleven years of dealing with addiction... god bless you. It is exhausting at times. There are times i wonder how much more I can deal with. Hang in there, all we have is hope sometimes, and most times it's the only good we have. Good luck!
I have been told in NarAnon that if they are clean, it is OK to help.
But you have to be careful because the switch betw clean and using changes very quickly.
my son has been going thru this for 2 years. see my other posts. he has been to rehab 2 times, 45 days each. he is well behaved and not a problem. then goes to halfway, then gets tired of the rules. he had to leave his work and previous career... and no longer has transportation. he is living where he can walk to work. a part time restaurant job which is good for now, but not enough to afford cable tv or internet. just rents a room - which I found out recently, he has not been paying full rent.... so thats a problem.... seems he has one foot in and one foot out of addiction. he is in the problem where he can not look for better job bc no reliable transportation to get there. but he has not successfully proved that he is 100% clean.
Anyway, it is pretty tough without a car. If your son needs the car for work, and is able to pay for it while he is working, I would help him with one month payment. If he can not afford the car and should get a less expensive option, then go ahead down that road. Give him a limit. let him know what you are doing.
I have taken over my son's student loans bc they will never go away even if he does not pay they practially double in interest. so, paying the loan is easier than the problems it would cause not to pay. I hope that in a year or two my son will be able to pay the loans.
the next year is hard. It depend on you individual addict - whether they jump in again.
Go to Nar-Anon meetings . it will be a very good place to talk to people who have been thru this - who live in your area - they can guide you thru the next year. you will see over and over, what works and does not work.
But you have to be careful because the switch betw clean and using changes very quickly.
my son has been going thru this for 2 years. see my other posts. he has been to rehab 2 times, 45 days each. he is well behaved and not a problem. then goes to halfway, then gets tired of the rules. he had to leave his work and previous career... and no longer has transportation. he is living where he can walk to work. a part time restaurant job which is good for now, but not enough to afford cable tv or internet. just rents a room - which I found out recently, he has not been paying full rent.... so thats a problem.... seems he has one foot in and one foot out of addiction. he is in the problem where he can not look for better job bc no reliable transportation to get there. but he has not successfully proved that he is 100% clean.
Anyway, it is pretty tough without a car. If your son needs the car for work, and is able to pay for it while he is working, I would help him with one month payment. If he can not afford the car and should get a less expensive option, then go ahead down that road. Give him a limit. let him know what you are doing.
I have taken over my son's student loans bc they will never go away even if he does not pay they practially double in interest. so, paying the loan is easier than the problems it would cause not to pay. I hope that in a year or two my son will be able to pay the loans.
the next year is hard. It depend on you individual addict - whether they jump in again.
Go to Nar-Anon meetings . it will be a very good place to talk to people who have been thru this - who live in your area - they can guide you thru the next year. you will see over and over, what works and does not work.
My son has a pretty good job when he returns, and can afford the payments if he isn't using drugs. It's so hard to be hopeful this might be the time he beats it. I keep reading the horrible stories all of you have lived and it hurts. I am hoping we are early in the addiction that maybe he will be able to beat it. I honestly don't know if I am capable of putting him out on the streets if he uses again. Is there a magic number when you say enough is enough? When do you know as a mom that you cant continue the lifestyle? I pray i don't have to answer these questions, but they are burning in my mind knowing it could happen at any moment. How do you disengage as we are told. I think we will go back to the NA meetings to be prepared just in case. Thanks to everyone for listening and the great advise.
