A little background..
My partner relapsed after being clean for 8 months. He was using for 4 months before I found out. While he was using, we found out we are expecting our first baby! He came clean in January when I found drugs in his bag, and admitted that he was actively using opiates again (his DOC for years) but was taking methadone. I knew there was something going on while he was using, but he was sick and of course blamed me and made excuses etc. I understand the disease, I understand I am powerless (as is he), I understand it was his disease that made him blame my pregnancy hormones for our fighting, lie about where he was, take money from our savings etc. Dwelling on that is only going to cause us more pain so I forgive what happened but it is obviously hard to forget.
He has almost 2 months clean now, I see a HUGE change in him. He has been going to his meetings, going to the gym, meeting with his sponsor regularly, reading his 'Just for Today', writing in a journal, working his steps. I have met his sponsor and we have talked a few times. His sponsor has assured me that he would come to me if he noticed my partner not going to meetings or not getting in touch with him etc. He has said several times that he can see how much love we have and that he knows we will make it, it IS possible but it will be hard. He said he see's a change in my partner too, he is different this time than the first time he came clean.
We have a lot of stress on us outside of the recovery. Our baby is an obvious one (we are due in July), but we are moving into a new home and had a death in the family and other family members who are ill. Not to mention the financial hit we took from the drugs (we decided that I will take care of our finances for now and I have access to all our accounts). The last week or so, he has become VERY angry at times. Never violent, but the anger is scary to me. The anger is similar to his reaction when he was using. I understand that he has spent YEARS burying emotions with drugs and all of a sudden he has several responsibilities and pressures and now all these emotions that he doesn't even know how to identify let alone diffuse.
But my worries and fears (and no doubt a few doses of hormones!) take over sometimes. I become afraid that I am being naive. Is it possible that he's going to his meetings and talking to his sponsor but is still using? Is it possible that he is engaging in some other activity or behavior that is equally as unhealthy for him or our relationship? Is it really possible for us to recover from this and have a happy, healthy family? Is it possible for him, who has no experience dealing with stress (because his parents sheltered him his whole life), to come through it and have the life he wants? Is this anger normal? How do you support your partner but take care of yourself and 'let go' at the same time?
Thank you for your thoughts :) I'm new here and really appreciate the support. From the posts I've read, you are obviously a wonderful group of people.
-Ella
Ella, I am just starting the process as well but I completely understand the fears and tears that you are going through. I tried different Alanon groups and just found one that I really clicked with last week. Between that meeting and being able to share my fears and struggles on here it has helped me through my first week (when I say first week I mean first week of him having started to live some place seperate). Unfortunately my bf/fiance/baby daddy is still drinking and smoking. I wish I could tell you if the anger was normal or not for being in recovery.
All I can do right now is focus on my baby. I consider him my little miracle and may the choice to not let his disease take these happy moments away from. Well that is my goal anyways and I try to focus on that every day especially when times start to get emotionally rough;)
Best of luck to you and the posting really seems to help!
All I can do right now is focus on my baby. I consider him my little miracle and may the choice to not let his disease take these happy moments away from. Well that is my goal anyways and I try to focus on that every day especially when times start to get emotionally rough;)
Best of luck to you and the posting really seems to help!
hey ella,
u asked if being in recovery is the anger normal, i would have to say that it is normal coz my partner is a recovery addict and has been clean for 14 weeks now and he used to bottle things up inside alot then when he started his medication he was gd for a while but then he started to become very angry alot of the time and lose his temper and thats when i started to think that he was bk using but he told me he wasnt and even did a piss test to prove it to me. so yeah its just normal. congratulations on ur first born, i bet u cant wait til ur baby is born, just remember that u want gas and air, trust me it helps alot.
whatever ur partner is doing, dont let that ruin ur life and the experience of being pregnant and becoming a mum, coz no one is worth that.
gd luck and congratulations again
u asked if being in recovery is the anger normal, i would have to say that it is normal coz my partner is a recovery addict and has been clean for 14 weeks now and he used to bottle things up inside alot then when he started his medication he was gd for a while but then he started to become very angry alot of the time and lose his temper and thats when i started to think that he was bk using but he told me he wasnt and even did a piss test to prove it to me. so yeah its just normal. congratulations on ur first born, i bet u cant wait til ur baby is born, just remember that u want gas and air, trust me it helps alot.
whatever ur partner is doing, dont let that ruin ur life and the experience of being pregnant and becoming a mum, coz no one is worth that.
gd luck and congratulations again
You have to work on you and only you and that is the key.
Eventually everyone has to stop looking at the using or not as a guide to how they want to live or what they want from lifeusing that to gauge if you are having a good, bad, happy , sad, depressed, insane kinda daywell that is not healthy as no one controls how you feel but you
This removes expectations as well that someone else is responsible for our feelings, because we are who own that.
The whole world has a lot of stress on them, life isnt always gracious and wont beit is not an excuse to use, it is not a good enough excuse to lose faith in the process either. Another thing that must gojust because something seems like a good enough reason to use over, and just because there can be reasons to use, it doesnt me that has to be your view.omg this happened, they cant handle and will usenah doesnt fly and will effect how you treat and see as capable or incapable there by sucking you into a recovery not yours
The questions, while hard, should be
What am I doing for my recoveryhave I made a call/reached out to my support system today , have I allowed the addict free run in my head, playing out all them gloom and doom scenariosHave I worried unduly over something I know I have no control over, have I played the using not using game as a means to try to cope because I do not know how to focus or take care of myselfso I focus and take care of others.which is a classic sign of codependency
Have I accepted that those I love are addicts, that while it might sound a bit twisted it is okthis is their choice, their sickness to work outmine is something different and am I looking at me
If you are on this board you are here for you, not themand while understanding the process of addiction is great you wont ever get it till you were ran by a drug and in that you still will cross lines and become all codie knowing betterand also never to be dismissed is that is it the drug or person to begin withand can you trust enough to know that answer because my view is there are good and evil people in this some happen to be addicts
It will always be about the time we are willing to put into ourselves
Eventually everyone has to stop looking at the using or not as a guide to how they want to live or what they want from lifeusing that to gauge if you are having a good, bad, happy , sad, depressed, insane kinda daywell that is not healthy as no one controls how you feel but you
This removes expectations as well that someone else is responsible for our feelings, because we are who own that.
The whole world has a lot of stress on them, life isnt always gracious and wont beit is not an excuse to use, it is not a good enough excuse to lose faith in the process either. Another thing that must gojust because something seems like a good enough reason to use over, and just because there can be reasons to use, it doesnt me that has to be your view.omg this happened, they cant handle and will usenah doesnt fly and will effect how you treat and see as capable or incapable there by sucking you into a recovery not yours
The questions, while hard, should be
What am I doing for my recoveryhave I made a call/reached out to my support system today , have I allowed the addict free run in my head, playing out all them gloom and doom scenariosHave I worried unduly over something I know I have no control over, have I played the using not using game as a means to try to cope because I do not know how to focus or take care of myselfso I focus and take care of others.which is a classic sign of codependency
Have I accepted that those I love are addicts, that while it might sound a bit twisted it is okthis is their choice, their sickness to work outmine is something different and am I looking at me
If you are on this board you are here for you, not themand while understanding the process of addiction is great you wont ever get it till you were ran by a drug and in that you still will cross lines and become all codie knowing betterand also never to be dismissed is that is it the drug or person to begin withand can you trust enough to know that answer because my view is there are good and evil people in this some happen to be addicts
It will always be about the time we are willing to put into ourselves
Good post Mistyeyes (as always!)
If you are like I was, Ella, you will not understand that you have any issues at all...I read these posts and didn't believe it. Looking back now, I finally see that I was co-dependent...we throw this word about without fully understanding it...it is like a vicious insult...yet it is oh so common and goes undiagnosed and untreated. I still have my moments now.
You are bringing a child into this world and want to create a happy home for them to grow up in...one where they feel safe and secure, where neither they nor their mother are shouted at for no reason (being an addict is no excuse in their book), where they know there will always be food on the table, where they will have enough attention and focus on them. Whilst you are worrying about your partner and his anger and his using and the finances and having to be the only responsible adult in your home, can you give your child all this? Being a single mum is extremely hard...but being effectively a single mum with an child AND an addict to take care of??? No thanks.
You ask if it's possible. Anything is possible. But if it matters to you if he's using, if it makes a difference to your peace of mind what he is doing when you can't see him, then no. No it will not be possible for you to let go. And if you have a child in the home, I'd say of course it matters. It's possible...but it's unlikely.
Maybe not the answer you wanted? Sorry. You're living in a crazy, insane and dangerous world. Even though your child will be his too, you still have choices.
Blessings,
Maddy x
If you are like I was, Ella, you will not understand that you have any issues at all...I read these posts and didn't believe it. Looking back now, I finally see that I was co-dependent...we throw this word about without fully understanding it...it is like a vicious insult...yet it is oh so common and goes undiagnosed and untreated. I still have my moments now.
You are bringing a child into this world and want to create a happy home for them to grow up in...one where they feel safe and secure, where neither they nor their mother are shouted at for no reason (being an addict is no excuse in their book), where they know there will always be food on the table, where they will have enough attention and focus on them. Whilst you are worrying about your partner and his anger and his using and the finances and having to be the only responsible adult in your home, can you give your child all this? Being a single mum is extremely hard...but being effectively a single mum with an child AND an addict to take care of??? No thanks.
You ask if it's possible. Anything is possible. But if it matters to you if he's using, if it makes a difference to your peace of mind what he is doing when you can't see him, then no. No it will not be possible for you to let go. And if you have a child in the home, I'd say of course it matters. It's possible...but it's unlikely.
Maybe not the answer you wanted? Sorry. You're living in a crazy, insane and dangerous world. Even though your child will be his too, you still have choices.
Blessings,
Maddy x
thank you for your posts! it certainly helps to have support here. it is scary to admit that i am a co-dependent. i honestly never thought of it that way, but i see the characteristics in me and i think, as hard as it is, it will help me to understand some of the smaller things i need to work on that i didn't realize before.
For me, right now, I choose to stay and work at it. It is not my character to walk away from something before I know I have done my very best. And at this point I can see that I haven't done my very best, I've just become overwhelmed and sad and hurt and I know if I left, I would still have these problems and I would regret not working on myself and blaming it all on him. I know I need to embrace this opportunity to work on me. I'm nervous for my first Al-Anon meeting, I have a counsellor set up and I've spoken to his sponsor a few times and am educating myself through literature. But I'm also trying to do things that aren't directly related to addiction and recovery, like doing the exercise I can while pregnant, reading magazines or books that I enjoy, meditating and planning for our baby.
Thanks again!
For me, right now, I choose to stay and work at it. It is not my character to walk away from something before I know I have done my very best. And at this point I can see that I haven't done my very best, I've just become overwhelmed and sad and hurt and I know if I left, I would still have these problems and I would regret not working on myself and blaming it all on him. I know I need to embrace this opportunity to work on me. I'm nervous for my first Al-Anon meeting, I have a counsellor set up and I've spoken to his sponsor a few times and am educating myself through literature. But I'm also trying to do things that aren't directly related to addiction and recovery, like doing the exercise I can while pregnant, reading magazines or books that I enjoy, meditating and planning for our baby.
Thanks again!
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| But I'm also trying to do things that aren't directly related to addiction and recovery... |
Go you!
Yes, that does sound good...focus on you and the baby, that is really exciting!
Please do take a look at your words though...doing the best you can???...I'm sorry, but it reminds me of how I felt. I'm not a quitter either and I knew there was more I could have done...but now I know there was nothing I could have done...the blame DOES lie at his door.......no, not blame, that is a useless and pointless word...but only he can choose to stop using...NOTHING you do or don't do will make any difference...that is the bit that is really hard to grasp.
Maddy x
Please do take a look at your words though...doing the best you can???...I'm sorry, but it reminds me of how I felt. I'm not a quitter either and I knew there was more I could have done...but now I know there was nothing I could have done...the blame DOES lie at his door.......no, not blame, that is a useless and pointless word...but only he can choose to stop using...NOTHING you do or don't do will make any difference...that is the bit that is really hard to grasp.
Maddy x
