We've been in a very intense relationship for 9 months and the problems were very clear to me since day 1 when he drank a whole bottle of wine on his own (while I was asleep) before mid day. I chose to ignore it, because didn't realize how much it could impact my life.
We had just met! And I didn't know if he was going to be around for much longer...
As a lot of other stories I read here, he was extremely intense and the relationship got pretty serious pretty fast. Talking about marriage and kids within 4 months...
He is aware he has a problem and is saying he is willing to change. His alcoholism is followed by drug abuse... and he can't afford drugs. So he has stolen from me, friends and a guy in a pub.
Felt like going to the police when he told me that but I just couldn't do it.
After long walks and talks... we decided to try again, because I love him and he loves me, and we both want to make it work...
Is it worth it?
We have been looking for addiction services like Change, Grow, Live and Addaction to help me and him, and he has agreed that I can be pushy when I feel like he's crossing the line or anything like that...
Worried I might be doing some weird role play of his mother....
Welcome Avonmore-
I'll apologize now. . .up front. . .right now I have no filter to my words. . .
ARE YOU INSANE????? You got away from your alcoholic/drug addict boyfriend. . .who is currently using. . has already stolen from you. . .has already stolen from strangers. . .and you are ready to sign back up for another tour of duty???!! WHY???????
Despite my harsh beginning, you will also receive help, support, insight, love and honesty here. We offer prayers, hugs, high fives. . .and you might even get me to Snoopy dance with joy when something good/happy happens. We don't sugar coat stuff just to make it palatable. And, I want you to make your decisions with as much information and insight as possible. Life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself; learn from others. . .
He's lucky and blessed to have you in his corner. BUT I'm concerned about YOUR heart, mind and soul. Loving an addict. . .regardless of their drug of choice. . .without losing yourself, getting caught up in their madness, or enabling.. . can be gut wrenching, all consuming and difficult. Read the many stories that are posted here. The tears, worry, pain, heartache.
I'm not suggesting that you drop kick him to the curb. It is always worth it to help someone who asks for help. But you don't have to do so as his girlfriend. . .or even as a friend with benefits. You can help by being his friend. You can help by learning the difference between helping and enabling. And, Yes, you can help by attending meetings so you get support, help and guidance. You will also receive love & support on this board, too. If you decide to stay in the relationship, please protect yourself and your money and assets. And, set boundaries/rules.
As my daughter used to tell me, this is HIS journey. If HE wants to get clean and sober, he will. . .whether you are his girlfriend, friend or just acquaintance. Please don't delude yourself. Please don't get in any more emotionally deeply. No matter how much you love him. . .no matter how much you want him to change.. .no matter how wonderful you are. . .if HE doesn't want to change, he won't.
Good luck!!!!
Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn
I'll apologize now. . .up front. . .right now I have no filter to my words. . .
ARE YOU INSANE????? You got away from your alcoholic/drug addict boyfriend. . .who is currently using. . has already stolen from you. . .has already stolen from strangers. . .and you are ready to sign back up for another tour of duty???!! WHY???????
Despite my harsh beginning, you will also receive help, support, insight, love and honesty here. We offer prayers, hugs, high fives. . .and you might even get me to Snoopy dance with joy when something good/happy happens. We don't sugar coat stuff just to make it palatable. And, I want you to make your decisions with as much information and insight as possible. Life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself; learn from others. . .
He's lucky and blessed to have you in his corner. BUT I'm concerned about YOUR heart, mind and soul. Loving an addict. . .regardless of their drug of choice. . .without losing yourself, getting caught up in their madness, or enabling.. . can be gut wrenching, all consuming and difficult. Read the many stories that are posted here. The tears, worry, pain, heartache.
I'm not suggesting that you drop kick him to the curb. It is always worth it to help someone who asks for help. But you don't have to do so as his girlfriend. . .or even as a friend with benefits. You can help by being his friend. You can help by learning the difference between helping and enabling. And, Yes, you can help by attending meetings so you get support, help and guidance. You will also receive love & support on this board, too. If you decide to stay in the relationship, please protect yourself and your money and assets. And, set boundaries/rules.
As my daughter used to tell me, this is HIS journey. If HE wants to get clean and sober, he will. . .whether you are his girlfriend, friend or just acquaintance. Please don't delude yourself. Please don't get in any more emotionally deeply. No matter how much you love him. . .no matter how much you want him to change.. .no matter how wonderful you are. . .if HE doesn't want to change, he won't.
Good luck!!!!
Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn
Hi Lynn,
Thank you very much for your honesty and words.
I completely understand everything you said and say it to myself all the time.
Whenever I read the stories here, and read anything about addiction... I feel like I am trapped in this pattern and it's really hard to break the cycle!!!
I agree that it's HIS change and HIS choice, but when he says he is too weak to do it... how can I ignore that?
As I wrote this, I realize how stupid it sounds...
But it has been impossible to be away from him... I tried to break up in August, and kept calling his mom every day to see if she knew where he was and how he was doing.
As expected, he drank everyday and used a lot of drugs. And his mom doesn't live in London so was calling me as well to check if I knew where he was...
Very difficult times... but whenever I tried to break up with him, my heart wasn't in it and I always came back...
Thank you very much for your honesty and words.
I completely understand everything you said and say it to myself all the time.
Whenever I read the stories here, and read anything about addiction... I feel like I am trapped in this pattern and it's really hard to break the cycle!!!
I agree that it's HIS change and HIS choice, but when he says he is too weak to do it... how can I ignore that?
As I wrote this, I realize how stupid it sounds...
But it has been impossible to be away from him... I tried to break up in August, and kept calling his mom every day to see if she knew where he was and how he was doing.
As expected, he drank everyday and used a lot of drugs. And his mom doesn't live in London so was calling me as well to check if I knew where he was...
Very difficult times... but whenever I tried to break up with him, my heart wasn't in it and I always came back...
Quote: but when he says he is too weak to do it... how can I ignore that?
He's not asking for help. . .he is using fear and manipulation to maintain his lifestyle. . .which includes you. That's what addicts do!!!
Please go to some meetings for you. . .google "enabling", "detachment". . . read posts here. . .it seems you have already been sucked into his madness hook, line and sinker.
Lynn
He's not asking for help. . .he is using fear and manipulation to maintain his lifestyle. . .which includes you. That's what addicts do!!!
Please go to some meetings for you. . .google "enabling", "detachment". . . read posts here. . .it seems you have already been sucked into his madness hook, line and sinker.
Lynn
I put up a post "Red Flags After One Month of Dating" and have been checking in on this page to look for reminders of why I made the right choice to leave this wonderful girl I was dating. She struggled with addiction, and I wanted to help and just that right there-- me wanting to help is my weakness, my addiction, because to support her or even for me, her boyfriend-- if I was the reason she wanted to get sober, she would not be doing it for herself.
In other words, sadly it can be more helpful to leave an addict so they can truly face their addiction, rather than hold their hand and "help them" be accountable. Because then it takes away their being accountable!
All my advice from the people in this chat thread was very helpful. Reading about families who are much more tied up with addicts through marriage, children or parental relations gives you an idea of what you are signing up for if you stay with this guy. If you love him, you can still love him if you end the romance. You aren't dating on an equal level if you are baby sitting and care taking. It's natural to want to help and paradoxically leaving can be the most helpful thing.
Addicts are often advised to not date until a year of sobriety because of the personal work they need to do. If it is hard to leave you should seek al anon or nar anon groups to help you understand everything better. Good luck! You can live a fulfilling life and find the love you seek!
In other words, sadly it can be more helpful to leave an addict so they can truly face their addiction, rather than hold their hand and "help them" be accountable. Because then it takes away their being accountable!
All my advice from the people in this chat thread was very helpful. Reading about families who are much more tied up with addicts through marriage, children or parental relations gives you an idea of what you are signing up for if you stay with this guy. If you love him, you can still love him if you end the romance. You aren't dating on an equal level if you are baby sitting and care taking. It's natural to want to help and paradoxically leaving can be the most helpful thing.
Addicts are often advised to not date until a year of sobriety because of the personal work they need to do. If it is hard to leave you should seek al anon or nar anon groups to help you understand everything better. Good luck! You can live a fulfilling life and find the love you seek!
No point breaking up when your heart isn't in it, as you said. It's ok not to know what to do. Sometimes not making any decision is the best decision, but keep the search for a better self, look for help, take care of your emotional, financial and physical health. I've been there and understand it can be a paralizing situation. Personally what I couldn't deal with was the realisation of my wrongdoings. I had to break free from my ignorance of his disease and mine to be ok with the idea of leaving...and then I didn't leave, this time out of choice and not misconceptions of responsibility, fear or guilt. It's my choice because I believe in him and the treatment he is now committed to, I am taking care of myself and seems we can be adults that take full responsibility for our actions, its consequences and our continuos search for improvement.
Hi NinaMaria,
Thank you very much for your reply.
Do you think you have been able to focus on yourself while still with him??
I have been going to the gym, therapy, going out with friends... and trying to find life without him... but still struggle...
Thank you very much for your reply.
Do you think you have been able to focus on yourself while still with him??
I have been going to the gym, therapy, going out with friends... and trying to find life without him... but still struggle...
Hi Thethethethe
I completely agree with what you're saying and can see that the only way to help him is by letting him go.
How was it with you?
Sometimes I feel breaking up with him is the best thing to do, but I just can't find the strength to do it... and keep worrying about what will happen to him if I do it
I completely agree with what you're saying and can see that the only way to help him is by letting him go.
How was it with you?
Sometimes I feel breaking up with him is the best thing to do, but I just can't find the strength to do it... and keep worrying about what will happen to him if I do it
Listen to your own wisdom it says: you know what is best.
Listen to your concern & love you have: you worry what will happen to him if you leave
Yet conversely you do not worry about the fact that you are in an unhealthy unsafe relationship. Why are you more worried about him than you? You must realize that worry does not fix people, care and wishing someone is better will not fix people, worst case it causes more shame for the addict just to have you there caring! Because he will make mistakes for a while, plus he will have to rejoin with his past. You on the other hand have a chance to make a healthy choice that is good for you! You can end this relationship and really focus on the relationship you have with yourself.
My girlfriend was so beautiful and fun! There was nothing fun about our break up because break ups are terrible no matter what. You need to have a good support network for yourself in place. You need to be sad and confused for a while, but also focus on work and other hobbies. It takes a while to go back to normal because you will have withdrawal from the friendship and intimacy... Those withdrawals, the want to go back to that guy should give you a sense of the same withdrawals he fights with addiction. He needs that alcohol more than he needs your love and it's all just a chemical disease. He is suffering, you are suffering -- but you can both seek help for yourselves. Find al anon to cope and help you through. I've been broken up for 3 weeks and I fight feelings of : maybe we can just be friends, I want her to know I'm not a bad guy bla bla bla
That's is only weakness and my own addiction to wanting to be a nice guy. The truth is none of us are bad or wrong, in the case of my relationship or yours--- we ended up dating people battling a disease, but you and I are also surrounded by healthy options, people who have overcome struggle or people who match us better. It's not a failure to leave, remember that, each person needs to find their place. He needs to make his own choices and he will only do that without you.
It stuck with me when a mother shared her addicted daughter was saved from suicide only to wake up to say: I wanted to die
So even saving someone lost in so much pain, do you really save them?
Listen to your concern & love you have: you worry what will happen to him if you leave
Yet conversely you do not worry about the fact that you are in an unhealthy unsafe relationship. Why are you more worried about him than you? You must realize that worry does not fix people, care and wishing someone is better will not fix people, worst case it causes more shame for the addict just to have you there caring! Because he will make mistakes for a while, plus he will have to rejoin with his past. You on the other hand have a chance to make a healthy choice that is good for you! You can end this relationship and really focus on the relationship you have with yourself.
My girlfriend was so beautiful and fun! There was nothing fun about our break up because break ups are terrible no matter what. You need to have a good support network for yourself in place. You need to be sad and confused for a while, but also focus on work and other hobbies. It takes a while to go back to normal because you will have withdrawal from the friendship and intimacy... Those withdrawals, the want to go back to that guy should give you a sense of the same withdrawals he fights with addiction. He needs that alcohol more than he needs your love and it's all just a chemical disease. He is suffering, you are suffering -- but you can both seek help for yourselves. Find al anon to cope and help you through. I've been broken up for 3 weeks and I fight feelings of : maybe we can just be friends, I want her to know I'm not a bad guy bla bla bla
That's is only weakness and my own addiction to wanting to be a nice guy. The truth is none of us are bad or wrong, in the case of my relationship or yours--- we ended up dating people battling a disease, but you and I are also surrounded by healthy options, people who have overcome struggle or people who match us better. It's not a failure to leave, remember that, each person needs to find their place. He needs to make his own choices and he will only do that without you.
It stuck with me when a mother shared her addicted daughter was saved from suicide only to wake up to say: I wanted to die
So even saving someone lost in so much pain, do you really save them?
Thank you very much for all the comments in here...
I have been thinking a lot about this and trying to understand what is the right thing to do.
Now there is an opportunity for us to rent a cheap flat on our own off one of my neighbors, and there's this flashing red light going crazy...
But my heart is telling me it can work :(
I have been thinking a lot about this and trying to understand what is the right thing to do.
Now there is an opportunity for us to rent a cheap flat on our own off one of my neighbors, and there's this flashing red light going crazy...
But my heart is telling me it can work :(
I know this is a hard decision: to stay in or step away from this relationship. Your heart is talking very loudly. But. . .What is your mind telling you? What is your gut telling you?
I can only give you my perspective as a mom of an addict. When my heart & mind are battling, I become very analytical. I would grab a piece of paper and make 2 columns: Pros & Cons. You now have some information and insight from folks here. Hopefully you read the old post, Things That Don't Help. And you googled a bit.
Armed with all of this, I'd write down in the Pro column all the reasons you should stay. Be honest. Is he paying the rent? Buying food? Does he cuddle well? Is he well educated? Cute? Good with kids? Good sex? Faithful? Dependable? Use all your senses. Let your heart and mind run wild. List whatever the positive reasons are to stay and build this relationship.
Then list all the negative character traits and/or reasons you should step away from this relationship. Again, be honest with yourself. Listen and see if there is any truth in your mom's, sibling's, friend's opinion of him. From what you said, stealing from you AND strangers should be on the list, as should manipulating you. I'd also write down alcoholism and drug addiction.
Also play out how you would feel in certain possible scenarios. Think about the fact that he could OD and you could be the one to find him dead. Or, you could be begging him on bended knee not to go out & buy/use and he goes anyway. My daughter's boyfriend did all of that and more before as well as on the night she Od'd and died. She loved him deeply. . and he loved her. . .but she loved heroin more. So. . .maybe fear should be on the list. Being sneaky? Lying? You having to play sobriety police?
Any ol' way. . .When I do this exercise, it generally takes me many many days to think and write a complete list. I also take a stroll down memory lane, and carefully examine the good, the bad and the ugly with fresh eyes and without the filter of "I love him". So, I don't write out all the positives first. I add to whatever column as things occur to me.
Now. . .go back through your lists. Which items have you NOT seen or felt in a while . . .and why? Which items are you experiencing a lot most recently and why? If you find yourself saying, "Well he's wonderful at X when he's not using," or "He only does Y when he's high/drunk" or something like-that-there a lot. . .stop, pause and reflect. Closely examine any patterns in his behavior or your explanations of it.
Adjust your list to what he is currently offering you or what you are currently getting. And then look at what remains. REALLY look at your list. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? I'm not only saying are there more positives than negatives. It's not only the sheer number. Look at them qualitatively, with YOUR lens of what you find acceptable/unacceptable, through your filter of what is best for YOU and with a view to what YOU need to have a happy, productive life . . . but tempered by the reality of what he can actually deliver as he currently is.
Saying a prayer and wishing you peace & blessings,
Lynn
xoxo
I can only give you my perspective as a mom of an addict. When my heart & mind are battling, I become very analytical. I would grab a piece of paper and make 2 columns: Pros & Cons. You now have some information and insight from folks here. Hopefully you read the old post, Things That Don't Help. And you googled a bit.
Armed with all of this, I'd write down in the Pro column all the reasons you should stay. Be honest. Is he paying the rent? Buying food? Does he cuddle well? Is he well educated? Cute? Good with kids? Good sex? Faithful? Dependable? Use all your senses. Let your heart and mind run wild. List whatever the positive reasons are to stay and build this relationship.
Then list all the negative character traits and/or reasons you should step away from this relationship. Again, be honest with yourself. Listen and see if there is any truth in your mom's, sibling's, friend's opinion of him. From what you said, stealing from you AND strangers should be on the list, as should manipulating you. I'd also write down alcoholism and drug addiction.
Also play out how you would feel in certain possible scenarios. Think about the fact that he could OD and you could be the one to find him dead. Or, you could be begging him on bended knee not to go out & buy/use and he goes anyway. My daughter's boyfriend did all of that and more before as well as on the night she Od'd and died. She loved him deeply. . and he loved her. . .but she loved heroin more. So. . .maybe fear should be on the list. Being sneaky? Lying? You having to play sobriety police?
Any ol' way. . .When I do this exercise, it generally takes me many many days to think and write a complete list. I also take a stroll down memory lane, and carefully examine the good, the bad and the ugly with fresh eyes and without the filter of "I love him". So, I don't write out all the positives first. I add to whatever column as things occur to me.
Now. . .go back through your lists. Which items have you NOT seen or felt in a while . . .and why? Which items are you experiencing a lot most recently and why? If you find yourself saying, "Well he's wonderful at X when he's not using," or "He only does Y when he's high/drunk" or something like-that-there a lot. . .stop, pause and reflect. Closely examine any patterns in his behavior or your explanations of it.
Adjust your list to what he is currently offering you or what you are currently getting. And then look at what remains. REALLY look at your list. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? I'm not only saying are there more positives than negatives. It's not only the sheer number. Look at them qualitatively, with YOUR lens of what you find acceptable/unacceptable, through your filter of what is best for YOU and with a view to what YOU need to have a happy, productive life . . . but tempered by the reality of what he can actually deliver as he currently is.
Saying a prayer and wishing you peace & blessings,
Lynn
xoxo
I know its NOT what you want to hear BUT....He survived without you BEFORE he met you...he WILL survive without you after. 99 % chance there WILL be an after...can you live with those odds? I did this with the father of my kids for 15 years. YEARS. After finally kicking him out he would always show up at the house claiming he was GOING TO KILL HIMSELF if I didn't let him in. Guess what? He's STILL out there using ..he did not kill himself. He's 45 yrs old and I think he's in treatment as we speak...number 21...because he has burnt all his bridges and is on the streets. He now will have a roof and 3 meals...at the taxpayers expense. I know this because Ive received ANOTHER notice that he didn't show up for a court date regarding his NOT paying child support. He is holding you hostage and manipulating the hell outta you. NO AMOUNT OF LOVE IS GOING TO CHANGE THIS. As state in an earlier post...ARE YOU INSANE? You are a CODEPENDENT and that means HE is YOUR drug...I know this because I lived it. You are making statements like I CANT stop....calling his mother everyday to "see" what he's doing...what was HE doing in this time? Was he "concerned" about YOUR wellbeing? Heres the deal in a nutshell...YOU already KNOW this is a BAD idea...this is WHY you posted in the first place. Many people come on this board not REALLY looking for the THRUTH but looking for someone to give them HOPE ...a wonderful story of HEY I STUCK WITH MY ADDICT AND 20 YRS LATER WE ARE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER....this is RARELY the case. RARELY. But instead of listening to the THOUSANDS of heartbreaking posts of the TRUTH...you pick the one little shred of hope and think "Im different.....I can make this work" Just like an addict who thinks "I'm different...I can DO this. I CAN handle this drug. I HAVE control of this situation. Please save yourself ...
Like the idea of writing down pros and cons... and agree it should be a big job and not just something you write down on your phone on the way to work...
For example: sex is great but its not at all consistent... hes either hungover with no sex drive, or too drunk, or too low because hes feeling awful about himself.
So need to give it a lot of consideration to what I really think about it overall...
You mentioned 'sober police' | how does one fight the urge to be that person? I have to confess, being sober police makes me feel powerful sometimes... and there is a side of me that enjoys it. But not sure thats who I want to be for my partner...
For example: sex is great but its not at all consistent... hes either hungover with no sex drive, or too drunk, or too low because hes feeling awful about himself.
So need to give it a lot of consideration to what I really think about it overall...
You mentioned 'sober police' | how does one fight the urge to be that person? I have to confess, being sober police makes me feel powerful sometimes... and there is a side of me that enjoys it. But not sure thats who I want to be for my partner...
Now hes showing up at my house at 3pm saying he left work and wanted to have wine. But "they cant win" so he decided to come to my house instead...
Is that basic manipulation?
Dont know what to think...
Sometimes I feel like he is really looking for help, sometimes I just feel like its basic manipulation...
Is that basic manipulation?
Dont know what to think...
Sometimes I feel like he is really looking for help, sometimes I just feel like its basic manipulation...
Yes, it's manipulation.
He is making his problem your problem.
He is making his problem your problem.
Heres the thing...In a normal relationship you don't have to question IS THIS BASIC MANIPULATION? Or any of the hundred of other DOUBTS that creep into your mind on a DAILY basis. THIS is life with an ADDICT. Analyzing every single thing they say and do. THIS is JUST the beginning.....
