It Ain't Fast Enough!

Alcohol
21
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:I made such an almighty a** of myself and I am sure he thinks I'm low life.
You know, Ruth, you might ask someone to help you walk through the steps in an orderly way. It's a simple program, costs nothing, and takes far less effort and time than working for the drink. Just at least consider it--or read up on the process and start yourself--it worked for me until I started getting greedy--wanting the WHOLE process done right so I could say, at the end, I gave it everything. I know, I know. Attraction, not promotion. I'll drop it.

QUOTE
:consuming shame and disgust

There's an easier softer way and someone said that it's a guide for living--something some of us apparently weren't in class for when they were passing 'em out....

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if your drinking was only harming you and not everyone who was unlucky enough to come into contact with you......? I mean did it affect work, friendships, family, people's perceptions of you?? Or could you really cover it up until only you had had enough?

Jeese, how much rigorous honesty must a guy endure in one day?!! LOL

I think I've shared bits over the last several months, but I have to assume that luck wasn't what was protecting me. I have a spouse, and two children, all of which have been impacted in one way or another, I know that. I was a loving, fun, silly drunk; life of the party, martyr, all that. I gave and gave and gave because, after all, see above... I want to be loved.

I am also in charge at work. I could plan travel where ever, when ever. I could take time off, etc. I didn't abuse my authority, but I could have, and could see it coming. In AA they say, "I haven't been arrested. YET." "I haven't lost my family. YET." I haven't crashed my car or hurt any one. YET." I still have my "YETS" in tact, but it wouldn't have been long.

Basically, I couldn't get drunk enough anymore. Physically, I couldn't do it. I tried, but I'd just fall asleep before I was done. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of having the scats (runs). Not being able to eat most foods. Having a sour stomach constantly--and horrible breath. Glass and bloodshot, burning eyes. I never drank in the morning before going to work, but I should have. It certainly would have made me feel better!

Up there somewhere is a posting about what a typical day would consist of near the end of my drinking career--I was up to about 6 liters of wine a day. I couldn't drink brown liquor or liquor in general--I only weighed 140 pounds! I could drink beer all day--and did for years--but it wasn't working anymore. I drank so much wine I didn't eat--and when I wasn't drinking, I was sleeping or planning on drinking to feel better.

Yes, I hid it well and namely because it WAS my normalcy. Everyone around me BUT me knew I had a problem, but I was harmless. And fun. So I was 'excepted,' as I was the fun guy to go drinking with.

My career continued, as did a very verey mediocre acting and modeling hobby, and I got elected to boards of directors, hob-knobbed with governors, was published and quoted in local and state news, and all the while I was either roaringly drunk or ragingly hung over.

Lucky? Well, I suppose. I'm glad it's over and MY HP was watching, though. Life's far better when I can see it...
22
Hi Ruth, SKG, & Zak,

QUOTE
Yeah it's funny how there seems to be a common thread of living up to others expectations and inherent feelings of inadequacy?


Yes, I feel that one keenly as well. I too experienced bullying at school; I react very strongly to anything resembling bullying or a "put down" to this day. I suppose because of my inherent feelings of inadequacey I am prone to interpreting things as a threat as opposed to understanding that some people are just "jackholes". (Valarie's word!)

Hey Ruth, I did most of my drinking at home by myself. I thought I was hiding my drinking from everybody. However there were times when I made a drunken fool of myself in front of others, on two occaisons was more than just rude to others; being confronted with these occaisons was the turning point to sobriety for me. I hope I never, ever, ever end up in that situation again; I am a better person than that sober. I hope you are able to forgive yourself, make amends where appropriate and move on.

I came across a wonderful quote from "soccermom" aka Gina on the pain pill board, she said " recovery doesn't change things from bad to good, it changes them from false to real and real isn't always easy.." So true! 7 months of sobriety for me and my life still isn't perfect! oh well. No SKG, "it ain't fast enough for me either" about the best we can do is take it,

one day at a time, Cookster
23
Hi Cookster and SKG

I like that quote "recovery doesn't change things from bad to good, it changes them from false to real and real isn't always easy".

That really hits the nail on the head. What I really find the hardest is just that - the coping with life bit without the "crutch" of alcohol. There was always an excuse - "I had a s*** day, I'll pour a drink", or "I had a great day, I'll pour a drink". Alcohol was there to celebrate and commissorate - a constant but deadly companion. My last weekend away with the other half he brought me to a 5 star hotel in Kerry - he thought I was sober all weekend but in truth I carried a bottle around in my handbag and would take sips every so often to keep myself 'topped up'. The freedom sobriety gives is priceless - I am not chained to alcohol anymore. It does not decide how my days will pan out. The feeling of liberation is amazing. Of course it is daily programme and it works if you work it but the cumulative effect of working that programme can have profound effects. I know I am still a 'newbie' in the recovery stakes but I'm a willing newbie. And yes SKG I am meeting an AA friend on Saturday for a 'steps' chat. Although I guess they mean different things to different people the end result is the same - sobriety and peace of mind - and that is all that matters.

I step down from the podium.

LOL Ruth