Hey Jayde, Idgie and Ciaobella
I'm sitting here thinking f**k it what do i reply to you gals about all thats going down for you all. I have planned many relapses in my 10 years of sobriety right down to the last detail the only thing that has stopped me is i don't want to die and the only way i got through was talking at AA or even just remembering an AA meeting or someone in AA. As i have said before i'm not the worlds best AA attendee but i do know when i need to go.
What i have read from you all is there was a build up to drinking so OK lets build up to sober either commit to posting everyday, going to AA everyday, talking recovery to someone everyday for however long it takes. Hell i know you all want to be sober and you can do it.
I know that these posts are like meetings but there is something to be said for sitting across from someone at an AA meeting and seeing the hope they have in there eyes and remember that person knows the despair they can see in your eyes. I have seen people come and go from AA for years i am one of them myself but if you stick at it it sticks to you better than sh*t on a blanket.
Hey Ladys my love to you all.
Light and love Zac
Hi Zac
thanks for the serious thoughts, care and also for the little laugh at the end.
Yup, I agree about the meetings. In fact I was telling my husband this morning about something that struck me that someone said in a meeting last week. About how he couldn't get back all those wasted years.
And that's what we talked about this morning, I don't want any more wasted years, heck I don't want any more wasted days.
Perhaps I "needed" this relapse, perhaps I needed to have it drummed into my head one last time that I can't control this.
Yesterday I felt so strange, like I was being broken down - like someone had taken a sledge hammer and beaten me until all that remained was little pieces - I mean this metaphorically. Not physcial pain but like a complete collapse of resistance. Like who I was had been smashed into a thousand pieces and nothing was left to resist or hold back.
Perhaps that is a good thing - if I am to rebuild my life there is no sense putting a new building on shaky or cracked foundations. Everything has to be razed in order to start again. Now before I start building again I need to clear away all the rubble.
I don't think I want to count days anymore, that seems like a trap to me, I get to a certain point and come crashing down. Yesterday is over, tomorrow isn't here yet - all I have is today.
You know who has been on my mind yesterday and today - my former boss. Last year my former boss was killed (along with his wife) by terrorists who blew up a restaurant in Bali Indonesia. I don't want you to think I'm being morbid, because honestly that's not how I feel. But how I feel is, today is all I have for sure, right now is all I have for sure. This all kind of ties in with the wasted days, weeks, months and years that I've been thinking about. I don't want my last day on this earth to be a wasted one.
So although the last few days have been bad in that I've been drinking - the good that's come out of it from me, is a renewed committment to fix up my life - I realised yesterday night that I could go either way. I could just say "**ck it" and go on a full out downhill slide or I could say STOP. Get back on your feet, smile, and start again. I realised I had that choice and it actually wasn't tha hard a choice to make. For that I credit this board a lot, the people here their steadfastness helped pave the way.
sorry for the long post - I sort of poured it all out like I would a journal - cept I don't journal.
thanks all.
May the Force be with you
Idgie
thanks for the serious thoughts, care and also for the little laugh at the end.
Yup, I agree about the meetings. In fact I was telling my husband this morning about something that struck me that someone said in a meeting last week. About how he couldn't get back all those wasted years.
And that's what we talked about this morning, I don't want any more wasted years, heck I don't want any more wasted days.
Perhaps I "needed" this relapse, perhaps I needed to have it drummed into my head one last time that I can't control this.
Yesterday I felt so strange, like I was being broken down - like someone had taken a sledge hammer and beaten me until all that remained was little pieces - I mean this metaphorically. Not physcial pain but like a complete collapse of resistance. Like who I was had been smashed into a thousand pieces and nothing was left to resist or hold back.
Perhaps that is a good thing - if I am to rebuild my life there is no sense putting a new building on shaky or cracked foundations. Everything has to be razed in order to start again. Now before I start building again I need to clear away all the rubble.
I don't think I want to count days anymore, that seems like a trap to me, I get to a certain point and come crashing down. Yesterday is over, tomorrow isn't here yet - all I have is today.
You know who has been on my mind yesterday and today - my former boss. Last year my former boss was killed (along with his wife) by terrorists who blew up a restaurant in Bali Indonesia. I don't want you to think I'm being morbid, because honestly that's not how I feel. But how I feel is, today is all I have for sure, right now is all I have for sure. This all kind of ties in with the wasted days, weeks, months and years that I've been thinking about. I don't want my last day on this earth to be a wasted one.
So although the last few days have been bad in that I've been drinking - the good that's come out of it from me, is a renewed committment to fix up my life - I realised yesterday night that I could go either way. I could just say "**ck it" and go on a full out downhill slide or I could say STOP. Get back on your feet, smile, and start again. I realised I had that choice and it actually wasn't tha hard a choice to make. For that I credit this board a lot, the people here their steadfastness helped pave the way.
sorry for the long post - I sort of poured it all out like I would a journal - cept I don't journal.
thanks all.
May the Force be with you
Idgie
Great post Idgie, you know what to do...the disease does beat us down....that's for certain. Counting days (or time) is mostly for people who are newer than us and who can't put more than one day together. When someone picked up their 30 day chip at a meeting I was attending in my first few days of recovery, I thought no way, they didn't drink for 30 whole days....then someone stands up and takes a 20 year cake and I'm like what bs no one can stay sober for 20 years! So the chips and acknowdegements, I've been told, are for the newcomer. Good luck, hope this was it for you!
thanks VWGirl - I confessed my problem to a friend this morning - that's the first time I've told anyone close to me (except my husband).
It was hard but it felt good to say the words. I knew she wouldn't judge she is a recovered pot addict - but it was stll hard to say the words.
It was hard but it felt good to say the words. I knew she wouldn't judge she is a recovered pot addict - but it was stll hard to say the words.
Thanks Zac, your words of wisdom (and humor) are appreciated very much... I had another of those moments yesterday when I thought hey, maybe I'm not really an alcoholic, maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills, I can control this. That happens a lot on days I don't drink. So easy to forget the night before, which ended so badly. Made me think of a quote from Stephen King's autobiography: "telling an alcoholic to control their drinking is like telling someone with terrible diarrhea to control their sh***ing." Idgie I know what you mean about confessing, I've been bringing up the drinking thing with my BF here and there, just mentioning that I've been drinking a lot, etc. He hasn't batted an eye yet. Though he drank quite a bit on Sunday himself & told me he did Saturday too. I'm beginning to wonder if his drinking isn't a little more serious than I've thought. But I've got my own to worry about right now. Anyway thanks everyone for your thoughts and support, I'm building toward quitting again and sometime it has to be for good, right?. Idgie you said somewhere that you don't want to count days anymore, I kinda feel the same way... I get to a certain point, usually around a week or so, then slip right back down. So maybe I shouldn't count the days, or just write the 1st day's date on a piece of paper and tuck it away. Hell I don't know, just trying to get a grip on this. Good day to all...
VWgirl..i didn't quite get that....you mean if we count days, that's not right or what?
I do not agree with that at all.
I'm so sorry Zac, I thank you for being so concerned, keep postin':)
It is said in meetings ....mostly out of the mouths of those who have long term sobriety.....that we only have today.
Every day we have to surrender all over again to this disease....in that aspect, how much time anyone has is irrevelent.....because it is a program which emphasizes One Day At A Time.
A lot of alcoholics get comfortable and rest on their laurels when they get a bit of time under their belt....so many don't like to count time b/c it is a 24 hr. at a time deal...... it keeps you in the present and grounded.
So, if you have 2 days or 20 years....you really only have today.
Carolyn
Every day we have to surrender all over again to this disease....in that aspect, how much time anyone has is irrevelent.....because it is a program which emphasizes One Day At A Time.
A lot of alcoholics get comfortable and rest on their laurels when they get a bit of time under their belt....so many don't like to count time b/c it is a 24 hr. at a time deal...... it keeps you in the present and grounded.
So, if you have 2 days or 20 years....you really only have today.
Carolyn
QUOTE: maybe I'm not really an alcoholic, maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills, I can control this. That happens a lot on days I don't drink. UNQUOTE
Ciaobella - YES YES YES. That is EXACTLY what my brain starts telling me after about a week. 10 days is a danger point for me. That's why I've decided to stop counting days and just forget about it. Focus on not drinking TODAY and not whether its day 1 or 10 or whatever. Forget yesterday and forget tomorrow I just don't want to drink today.
I think I especially fall into that trap of thinking I don't really have a problem because I am a slow train wreck kind of a drunk. I don't have 1 drink and go on a 5 day paralytic binge and end up in the detox unit. That's not me.
It takes me several days to build up to my binges, and the first couple of days I often am OK with just 2 or 3 drinks. But it quickly escalates out of control from there and back into the same screwed up behaviour patterns. By day 4 of my last run I was drink-driving cause I ran out of wine and "needed" more. Yikes!
But because (when I was drinking) I could go sober for a day or two, or sometimes 1-2 drinks would be enough it was easy to fool myself that I didn't have a problem. But I think drinking at 8:30am on Saturday as soon as H goes to work so I can drink all day then sort of sober up by the time he gets home so I can then drink all night without him realising I'd been drinking all day kinda counts as a problem!!!!
I also went into this weird trance on monday night, before I started drinking for the day that scared the crapola out of me - haven't shared that with you guys yet, but I shared it at AA.
Avondale Girl - your words make a lot of sense to me.
Idgie
Ciaobella - YES YES YES. That is EXACTLY what my brain starts telling me after about a week. 10 days is a danger point for me. That's why I've decided to stop counting days and just forget about it. Focus on not drinking TODAY and not whether its day 1 or 10 or whatever. Forget yesterday and forget tomorrow I just don't want to drink today.
I think I especially fall into that trap of thinking I don't really have a problem because I am a slow train wreck kind of a drunk. I don't have 1 drink and go on a 5 day paralytic binge and end up in the detox unit. That's not me.
It takes me several days to build up to my binges, and the first couple of days I often am OK with just 2 or 3 drinks. But it quickly escalates out of control from there and back into the same screwed up behaviour patterns. By day 4 of my last run I was drink-driving cause I ran out of wine and "needed" more. Yikes!
But because (when I was drinking) I could go sober for a day or two, or sometimes 1-2 drinks would be enough it was easy to fool myself that I didn't have a problem. But I think drinking at 8:30am on Saturday as soon as H goes to work so I can drink all day then sort of sober up by the time he gets home so I can then drink all night without him realising I'd been drinking all day kinda counts as a problem!!!!
I also went into this weird trance on monday night, before I started drinking for the day that scared the crapola out of me - haven't shared that with you guys yet, but I shared it at AA.
Avondale Girl - your words make a lot of sense to me.
Idgie
Hopefully, this will make more sense, but I don't know...I was told we count our days and celebrate them because when a newcomer comes to a meeting they can see it can be done (sobriety). For instance, when someone takes their 30 day chip, the newcomer can say "Wow, that person stayed sober for 30 days maybe I can too"...I think it illicits hope for the newcomer to know milestones in sobriety can be achieved one day at time.
Hey Idgie the feeling you had seems like you were just sick and tired of being sick and tired from drinking and yeah my heart used to speed up just before i would go on a binge and i'd get little adrenalin kicks so i know that trance feeling well and also the downside. Great you went to a meeting and shared in early recovery for me meetings held me together because i had to open the meeting i had to be there for that i am gratefull if you find a meeting you like try some service work.
Hey Ciaobella i'm 10years of 1 day at a time and i can still tell myself yeah you only binge drink you didn't have a problem it was all my dads fault that i learnt to abuse alcohol work hard, play hard, drink hard yeah. Fu** Yeah I'm a alky all right and again it was going to meetings in early recovery that i heard my story in so many others.
Hey Jayde don't be sorry I'm not pissed i just believe that we all deserve to live and enjoy life to the fullest and with the help of my higher power and AA i am doing that one day at a time. I again admit that i am not a regular AA attendee in the past but that was usually because i wasn't putting principles before personalitys. I owe it to myself and AA to keep going to meetings even if only once a week because that is the gratitude i have......something this good has to be given away to others freely fu** even typing this i'm hyped in a good way.
Whatever is going down for you all i love yous and care for you all and i send energy to each of you because every word i have typed is filled with love for you all the struggle is worth it if your assess are falling off put them on an AA chair so they don't hit bottom.
It does work
Light and love Zac
Hey Ciaobella i'm 10years of 1 day at a time and i can still tell myself yeah you only binge drink you didn't have a problem it was all my dads fault that i learnt to abuse alcohol work hard, play hard, drink hard yeah. Fu** Yeah I'm a alky all right and again it was going to meetings in early recovery that i heard my story in so many others.
Hey Jayde don't be sorry I'm not pissed i just believe that we all deserve to live and enjoy life to the fullest and with the help of my higher power and AA i am doing that one day at a time. I again admit that i am not a regular AA attendee in the past but that was usually because i wasn't putting principles before personalitys. I owe it to myself and AA to keep going to meetings even if only once a week because that is the gratitude i have......something this good has to be given away to others freely fu** even typing this i'm hyped in a good way.
Whatever is going down for you all i love yous and care for you all and i send energy to each of you because every word i have typed is filled with love for you all the struggle is worth it if your assess are falling off put them on an AA chair so they don't hit bottom.
It does work
Light and love Zac
That struck me Zac, what you said about blaming your dad for you becoming an alcoholic, I spent some time blaming a former friend of mine, a very, very heavy drinker, because I hadn't been drinking for a while before I met her and we soon became big time drinking buddies. It's hard having no one to blame but yourself but I guess we all have to come to terms with it - you did, and now I am. But congrats on ten years of sobriety Zac, that's fantastic! You're quite an inspiration (and a funny guy too)...
You too, Idgie? I do that a lot when I've been doing well, maybe it's why I can't seem to go more than a week or so, I think "I've been doing so well, obviously it's not really a problem." Glad I'm not the only one to have had those thoughts. How are you doing today?? Keep in touch, OK?
Everyone, your advice and encouragement are so much appreciated.... hope everyone is doing well today.
You too, Idgie? I do that a lot when I've been doing well, maybe it's why I can't seem to go more than a week or so, I think "I've been doing so well, obviously it's not really a problem." Glad I'm not the only one to have had those thoughts. How are you doing today?? Keep in touch, OK?
Everyone, your advice and encouragement are so much appreciated.... hope everyone is doing well today.
Hi there everyone. You know this thread makes total sense, It seems the more you count the days sober, the more your brain starts telling you that hey you don't have a problem look you've gone x amount of days! I too have done that. I think it's good to check in with yourself and acknowledge your length of sobriety but just don't count the days, could be a trigger. Great topic. Something to think about.
Big Hugs to you all
lovedove
Big Hugs to you all
lovedove
Hi guys
Its so good to come on here and read this stuff it really centres me you know? And its SO good to know I'm not alone.
Zac the trance was weird - and I was driving at the time! So frightening. I was sober too - I freaked out. I ended up in a neighbourhood I had no idea where I was, it was dark cold and when I came out of it I'd been driving blind for 15 mins. I couldn't find my way home. I had to stop and ask a person on the street for directions - scary stuff.
Hey O/T - my Mum's 65 birthday coming up and I finally figured out the perfect gift - so thrilled. She has been searching for 2 books for ages (now she tells me!!) that can't get in Australia. So I've just grabbed them both on e-bay - she is kind of old school and would be too scared to try e-bay if I suggested it. So fingers crossed the books arrive in time - I had to get them both from US sellers - with no problems so she can have a great birthday surprise.
It felt so good to take the time to do something nice for her instead of just thinking of myself for a change. Hopefully the e-bay buys work out.
love you all
Idgie
Its so good to come on here and read this stuff it really centres me you know? And its SO good to know I'm not alone.
Zac the trance was weird - and I was driving at the time! So frightening. I was sober too - I freaked out. I ended up in a neighbourhood I had no idea where I was, it was dark cold and when I came out of it I'd been driving blind for 15 mins. I couldn't find my way home. I had to stop and ask a person on the street for directions - scary stuff.
Hey O/T - my Mum's 65 birthday coming up and I finally figured out the perfect gift - so thrilled. She has been searching for 2 books for ages (now she tells me!!) that can't get in Australia. So I've just grabbed them both on e-bay - she is kind of old school and would be too scared to try e-bay if I suggested it. So fingers crossed the books arrive in time - I had to get them both from US sellers - with no problems so she can have a great birthday surprise.
It felt so good to take the time to do something nice for her instead of just thinking of myself for a change. Hopefully the e-bay buys work out.
love you all
Idgie
Hey Idgie i know for me that when i was in drinking mode and driving my truck i would miss 1 hour blocks of my drive totally no memorie of the last hours driving but luckily for me still on the right road at the time i put these blocks down to stress and the overload button switching in. Now i put it down to god plain and simple he was doing for me what i could not do myself quieting my negative head space. ok you ended up lost but just maybe you passed something your adictive mind didn't need to see in the space it was in before you lost all recollection.
Light and love Zac
Light and love Zac
Jayde, Idgie, Ciaobella,
How goes it today Girls? Hope all of you are feeling and doing well.
I'm on call for work this weekend. But, just wanted to pop in and let you know I am thinking good thoughts for each of you and think of you when we do the closing prayer at the end of each meeting I attend and pray for you ladies.
How goes it today Girls? Hope all of you are feeling and doing well.
I'm on call for work this weekend. But, just wanted to pop in and let you know I am thinking good thoughts for each of you and think of you when we do the closing prayer at the end of each meeting I attend and pray for you ladies.
Hey Ciaobella Hows things?
Yeah i used to compare myself to my dad saying yeah ok i don't do that or that like he does but each year my list of don't do's was getting smaller and i was slowly becoming him. He was just a part of the cycle of addiction in our family history. A cycle that intend to break and if it sufaces in any of our kids i can be there with love. I hope all is well for you today.
Light and love Zac
Yeah i used to compare myself to my dad saying yeah ok i don't do that or that like he does but each year my list of don't do's was getting smaller and i was slowly becoming him. He was just a part of the cycle of addiction in our family history. A cycle that intend to break and if it sufaces in any of our kids i can be there with love. I hope all is well for you today.
Light and love Zac
Jayde, Idgie, Ciaobella, Cindog, Bennett and any one else keep posting whatever is happening for you be it good or bad because whatever is going on get it out of your heads as gratitude needs to be shared and pain needs to be aired.
Light and love Zac
Light and love Zac
Hi guys I'm here and serious about being back on the sober wagon again. Did drink over the weekend but NOT Sunday and so it begins.
going to a meeting tonight! Hurray! And tomorrow night. Going to follow some of the advice I've been given and give myself the gift of sobriety. Cause I really do want it SO bad.
Going to visit my parents this weekend and trying to figure out what to say how much to tell them. Suggestions?
going to a meeting tonight! Hurray! And tomorrow night. Going to follow some of the advice I've been given and give myself the gift of sobriety. Cause I really do want it SO bad.
Going to visit my parents this weekend and trying to figure out what to say how much to tell them. Suggestions?
