Hey Jen...
Saw what happened on the other board...your angry...not sure why...I think they were just venting at the unjustness of life with drugs...gentle calm waves coming at ya...being a drug addict sucks...being a family member of one...sucks too...I think were all angry at the way s*** is...we all handle it differently...I got angry Monday at my drug doc...still don't know why ...maybe some days...ya...some days I just can't hear anything anymore...so...I get it...luv ya...hugs
PS: I agree with you on Narcon...but everyone sees things differently...including subs and methadone...were all just paddling in the dark some times...
con
Thanks Con.....Im still trying to figure out WHAT my anger is about....Im just not sure. I find the older I get the less patience I have with others and where they are. Im working on it. I am a very blunt person I guess and have a hard time with niceties especially concerning addiction. I also would like to say that Ive read most of your posts and you do have your head on straight. You are brutally honest about your addiction which is KEY to getting better.....I had to laugh at the post on here somewhere when someone asked about you and wondered where you were and made a comment that they hoped you didn't relapse because of the comments they were making on how good you were doing. A LOT of misplaced power on here. Some people just don't get it...or don't want to. YOU GOT THIS if you want it....
JEN, I only ever tried to help! I saw that Con had posted this and when we all were encouraging him and cheering him on because we all like him as he is so helpful to all of us on here I just mentioned maybe it would do more harm than good. I didn't want our cheering him on be the cause of his failure. Here is what I was going by... (Oh jeez....no pressure. ..please....no expectations. ..no promises...don't encourage and please don't congratulate...I don't want to feel like I would let you or anyone down ...if failure becomes a non option...then I will most assuredly fail on purpose...it's in our DNA I think)... I was trying to respect his wishes as my way of helping. Nothing else! I remember you Jen from back in January when I was quite new to this. I looked up to you like I do Con for advice. So you see Jen I wrote it because I just wanted to help. Apologies to Con. M.
Ok...let's all step back...yes Jen...I asked for no encouragement. ..I find I do better without it sometimes....you'd be surprised at how much power those u respect have...so... nothing to apologize for Md...on the other hand ...ya...it's going to happen regardless probably...it's a thing...and i cant control it ...i get it...and anger..oh ya Jen....I get it...and sometimes it's deep..but sometimes I don't really know why I'm angry either...something to dig out i think.. maybe just get tired of it all too..luv u all...hugs
Con:
Do you attend meetings? Have a home Group? Active in the Group? Have a sponsor?
Do you attend meetings? Have a home Group? Active in the Group? Have a sponsor?
I attend aa meetings PB. ..every nite....there isn't much out here and it's small...sometimes wish for another na to show up...were so small its a mix...im the only na ..and there are times i really wish for a fellow addict..face 2 face....I have a sort of sponsor...aa dude who I can call..has been there for me over 9 years now....but he admits he hasn't a whole lot of experience w dope..and he doesn't know what to do for me sometimes...gratitude lists...praying...I get it....he helps as best he can...he lives about 4 hours away. ..so...yes...and no I guess...
My recovery began in 1989 in a recovery home run by an old priest.
There was 200 of us "alcoholics" on program and we were divided into groups.
There was about 26 or so in my group and 4 of them never drank or drugged-
BUT THEIR THINKING WAS JUST LIKE MINE !!!
The rest of the group was made up of drunks, druggies, sex addicts, gamblers-
a mix of everything.
But we all had one thing in common and that was our thinking
The old priest called us all ALCOHOLICS and we all got treated the same.
I soon came to realize that we all suffered from the same "disease".
"The world's not fair" "They're all out to get me" etc.
No matter what happened it sucked !! We saw everything negative no matter what.
When we were practising, at the end of a hard day pi$$ing and moaning, griping and complaining - each of us would say "F... this $hit !! I'm going"
1) for a drink
2) for a hit
3) to the track
4) to the strip club
5) to the Casino
etc...
etc....
etc...
Our DOC differed but we all suffered from the same ISMs
After a few weeks in rehab, when we had dried out etc, we were all the same.
THAT IS WHY I IDENTIFY, NOT COMPARE (sorry for shouting)
No matter what the "drug" was (booze, sex, H, codeine etc) the cure is the same.
Old Ira, when we came here in 2011, had quite a chuckle about all the subcategories.
All those categories make us "special" "unique" - You CAN'T know how I feel.
I feel as at home at an AA meeting as NA/ GA/ OA/ SA.
We're all the same. I can/will accept the spiritual help I need from any 12 Stepper
Read the last paragraph in your 12&12 Step 7 http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step7.pdf
Look at your AA group as God's gift to you - just what you need - and thank Him.
Don't look at AA as falling short of what you need like being short changed.
That is alcoholic thinking and self defeating.
Those AAs can and will help you. You are no better or worse that they. Or different.
There was 200 of us "alcoholics" on program and we were divided into groups.
There was about 26 or so in my group and 4 of them never drank or drugged-
BUT THEIR THINKING WAS JUST LIKE MINE !!!
The rest of the group was made up of drunks, druggies, sex addicts, gamblers-
a mix of everything.
But we all had one thing in common and that was our thinking
The old priest called us all ALCOHOLICS and we all got treated the same.
I soon came to realize that we all suffered from the same "disease".
"The world's not fair" "They're all out to get me" etc.
No matter what happened it sucked !! We saw everything negative no matter what.
When we were practising, at the end of a hard day pi$$ing and moaning, griping and complaining - each of us would say "F... this $hit !! I'm going"
1) for a drink
2) for a hit
3) to the track
4) to the strip club
5) to the Casino
etc...
etc....
etc...
Our DOC differed but we all suffered from the same ISMs
After a few weeks in rehab, when we had dried out etc, we were all the same.
THAT IS WHY I IDENTIFY, NOT COMPARE (sorry for shouting)
No matter what the "drug" was (booze, sex, H, codeine etc) the cure is the same.
Old Ira, when we came here in 2011, had quite a chuckle about all the subcategories.
All those categories make us "special" "unique" - You CAN'T know how I feel.
I feel as at home at an AA meeting as NA/ GA/ OA/ SA.
We're all the same. I can/will accept the spiritual help I need from any 12 Stepper
Read the last paragraph in your 12&12 Step 7 http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step7.pdf
Look at your AA group as God's gift to you - just what you need - and thank Him.
Don't look at AA as falling short of what you need like being short changed.
That is alcoholic thinking and self defeating.
Those AAs can and will help you. You are no better or worse that they. Or different.
PB...yes...you are right. .
And I am very grateful for my group...perhaps just tired tonight and not seeing things clearly ...I know it hardly matters what addiction we all have...we all suffer from the same behaviors and thinking...very true..and yet...there is no denying the power or ability of one alcoholic to reach another...perhaps the same can be said for the power of one heroin addict or drug addict to reach another..it's .not about being terminally unique...only about that power of one to another...thank you for your kindness and good words..and the kick in my a**...its appreciated ..
I was hungry...angry...lonely and tired...(halt)...I didn't pay attention. ..spouse home....sometimes a good thing. ..sometimes not so good...this time...a good thing...I needed perspective. ..when left to my own devices...I go fcking insane..Nikki Sixx had the right of that...I know PB...know the tools...I just didn't use them...
Con
And I am very grateful for my group...perhaps just tired tonight and not seeing things clearly ...I know it hardly matters what addiction we all have...we all suffer from the same behaviors and thinking...very true..and yet...there is no denying the power or ability of one alcoholic to reach another...perhaps the same can be said for the power of one heroin addict or drug addict to reach another..it's .not about being terminally unique...only about that power of one to another...thank you for your kindness and good words..and the kick in my a**...its appreciated ..
I was hungry...angry...lonely and tired...(halt)...I didn't pay attention. ..spouse home....sometimes a good thing. ..sometimes not so good...this time...a good thing...I needed perspective. ..when left to my own devices...I go fcking insane..Nikki Sixx had the right of that...I know PB...know the tools...I just didn't use them...
Con
Btw...for many years I corrected this on here ...but eventually just gave up...for better or worse ladies...I am female ...PB...you already knew that
Con
Con
Hi Con, Why should that make any difference? You being you just makes you even more precious! And actually easier to talk to! Lol. I think it's great!! ((hugs)) Mary.
Thanks for letting us know.....we can now refer to you as SHE!
Lol...ya...just like the song...how you doing btw ?
Im doing good! Thanks for asking. I had did the AA and CA years ago. Was very involved and would get a few weeks or months here and there but never really got clean. I found that AA was more helpful to me, even though my true DOC is crack. The CA groups weren't as established and I found a lot of euphoric recall going on. I left the meetings more than once and got high. I have just recently started going to AA again and just celebrated my 30 days. My kids and I have lived with my Dad for the last 15 yrs and he was my great enabler. He was diagnosed with cancer last March at 81 yrs old and died last Oct. I was able to use only twice in that time because I was so consumed with taking care of him at home along with hospice until his death. Its been devastating. My sense of security is gone. I basically had been taken care of for years and now the buck stops here. I was left with everything he worked so hard for ...house , cabin ect. I went on a long bender and one day realized that I was smoking up all that was left to me. I didn't want this to be my legacy. This time around in AA I've come to peace with the issues I had the first time around. I had a REALLY hard time with the POWERLESSNESS thing because I RAN with that the first time...of course I am...Im a victim...poor me...Ive got a disease...I have NO control...of course Im going to relapse....Blah Blah Blah. I also could never get the GOD piece, although I REALLY wanted to believe! This time around Im looking at it like this....If I can admit Im powerless over drugs it gives me so much MORE power over everything else...MY CHOICES! Also Im using the group as my higher power now even though I want to do it PERFCT ....I WANT to believe in GOD I just don't and thats ok right now. Im told it will come and thats what Im hoping for. I also really lucked out and found a GREAT sponsor who is really passionate and on fire with all the changes she has gone through since getting sober. I can see how awesome her life has become and want that. I also STRONGLY believe that I simply just had to grow the hell up. Im filled with sorrow that Ive spent so much of my short life, my kids lives.....using, but I think a lot of it had to do with just not wanting to grow up. Being scared of taking responsibility...peter pan syndrome. How are you doing?
You sound great !! Your riding the AA wave...I had that once too...can't seem to find it again right now though...hoping I figure it out...not familiar with CA ? Like an NA ? Ya...wow...life...responsibility...smacks you right in the face sometimes ...no pun intended...so sorry about your Dad..I lost mine to cancer too a ways back...makes you feel very mortal and alone somehow when a parent goes...that's hard...but your doing it..doing life on life's terms...damn a** kicking your giving it !!..
I think I get to a point sometimes where I just want to opt out...but I know that's junkie talk...tired of everything right now though...and everything is actually pretty good...no complaints ...I have it good...no reason in the world I shouldn't be staying clean...but...there ya go...it's something in me...something I need to figure out...so glad your doing well...good smiles...happy wave !!
I think I get to a point sometimes where I just want to opt out...but I know that's junkie talk...tired of everything right now though...and everything is actually pretty good...no complaints ...I have it good...no reason in the world I shouldn't be staying clean...but...there ya go...it's something in me...something I need to figure out...so glad your doing well...good smiles...happy wave !!
Con: CA is cocaine anonymous . I should also mention a have been going to therapy weekly. I feel like its really helped because obviously quitting is good but if we can't figure out WHY we were using obsessively in the first place it makes sense wed go back eventually. Have you tried one on one therapy? Im really flabbergasted that you are not clean because you are so damn honest and smart ....I will send good vibes out into the universe for you to find some peace and it would be much appreciated if you'd do the same for me...
hey - con - jen - pb - Amazing Posts on this thread! What you are all saying is on point, insightful and I think, very correct. Now put it all together in one person - that's a home run!
A few thoughts - about the attitude - I have been thinking about that. what makes an addict... the mindset.... i'm a victim, it's not my fault, these people around me are ruining my life, conspiracy theory, the government, its too hard .... even the hoarder could fall into this category - because of the emotional stress they put their loved ones through and those closest to them try to help, but they cant help the hoarder either.
And on another post someone stated the attitude of addicts, after watching 60 minutes, was that of superiority.... "you dont know how I feel..." I think it is not superiority, but taking on the role of the victim.
jen - something is 'clicking' for you now, that has not in the past.
It is that attitude change that makes a difference. I have noticed your posts have been a bit more gentle.
con - i thought so - thanks for opening this post - it produced a good thread. I give you a hug for keeping your relationship and your job a priority.
pb - thanks for sticking to your program and knowing what to post at the right time
hey - what are the character traits for enablers?
I think, as an enabler, had to get the message to 'click' for me too. to understand that I was in control of my life, stop helping the addict, get out of the trenches, stop being on the rollar coaster and get a back bone....... lol
A few thoughts - about the attitude - I have been thinking about that. what makes an addict... the mindset.... i'm a victim, it's not my fault, these people around me are ruining my life, conspiracy theory, the government, its too hard .... even the hoarder could fall into this category - because of the emotional stress they put their loved ones through and those closest to them try to help, but they cant help the hoarder either.
And on another post someone stated the attitude of addicts, after watching 60 minutes, was that of superiority.... "you dont know how I feel..." I think it is not superiority, but taking on the role of the victim.
jen - something is 'clicking' for you now, that has not in the past.
It is that attitude change that makes a difference. I have noticed your posts have been a bit more gentle.
con - i thought so - thanks for opening this post - it produced a good thread. I give you a hug for keeping your relationship and your job a priority.
pb - thanks for sticking to your program and knowing what to post at the right time
hey - what are the character traits for enablers?
I think, as an enabler, had to get the message to 'click' for me too. to understand that I was in control of my life, stop helping the addict, get out of the trenches, stop being on the rollar coaster and get a back bone....... lol
About the Why. Is it possible to say - it is what it is - and move on - close that door?
I guess if it were that easy, it would be done....
I guess if it were that easy, it would be done....
Con, I am laughing my a** off right now, sorry. I didn't even read this whole thread...but read a bit here and in the past as you being referred to as a guy. I was going to post 'not that it matters I guess but aren't you a chick' I had always thought that by..either you saying, the way you write or something. I was thinking man, this kind of messes everything up..had what I thing would sound like your voice in my head. So wouldn't work well for a man!! Well you clarified..so I guess didn't need to post..just thought funny!! oh and picture proof even :) lol
Don't think I've ever felt victimized....when I say I cant control it. ..I mean I can't put it down ...or consistently use without increase...not as an excuse to use...I use...because I want to...for both physical and mental reasons. I know the physical reasons ...it's a bit harder to figure the mental sometimes...it's too easy to say i use because I'm an addict. ..though I suppose there's truth in that...big book says don't bother trying to analyse...all the self knowledge in the world won't keep you clean...might be true...I've got baggage like most users...but no more or less than anyone else....there's no excuse...I struggle with myself..anyways...here in Italy's mountains now...signing off for awhile ...peace to you all
Mk...lol....no s***...
Mk...lol....no s***...
In AA we say: "It's cunning, baffling and powerful".
You can't figure out cunning and baffling - God can (and will if HE is sought).
All the best.
Bob R
You can't figure out cunning and baffling - God can (and will if HE is sought).
All the best.
Bob R
