Jer

Hey, check in when you have a chance and let us know how you are doing.

It is perfectly okay with me if you repeat yourself. hahaha, I understand. LOL, my gratitude list is the same pretty much every time I write it, but it doesn't mean it isn't a powerful tool in my life. Repeating is fine! (God, I hope so, cause I ain't gettin' no younger)!

Okay, just a shout to say we are thinking about you!

Sarah
Seconded. We're all on the same team.
Thanks Guys!

You know, I'm doin' OK today.......last night, too! I have my moments still, but not all of 'em. I went to practice with my band last night. I actually felt like I was there.....ya know, in that moment. We have lots of gigs lined up AND we get paid well, so I feel like I need to stick with the project......I thought about quitting. It gives me a release to play music. I think I might really lose it if I gave that up. Besides, none of my bandmates abuse drugs......it is a proffessional, working band......I don't have to worry about something there messing up my recovery. We are on break until March. By then I hope I am ready to avoid the temptaion of nightclubs. If it is too much, then I'll find anothe musical outlet.

Since I skipped the meeting last night, I'll made it up today........Old Guys around the table.....very cool meeting full of funny grandfather-types........lotta old sailors. So yeah, I'm hangin' in there today. I feel things can move.

Wife made it clear that my negative self-pity was not helping. It seems like we can ride this thing out. For the first time, I see the POSSIBILITY that things will be better than they were.

My two-year-old, Dylan,is beating me on the head with a pillow. And Hey......my boys don't know that Daddy is a pill-popper, they just want to jump on things and play....it is really good for the addict in the throws of early recovery.

Thank you all for bearing with me and providing a bit of light.........it is appriciated and it is helpful.

Jer
Wow, I'm so happy for you. Tell you what jer, you take every moment you get with your boys and FEEL every single atom of their love for you and yours for them. Mine are 24, 13 and 13 now and I love 'em every bit as much as when they were 3 years old, but I'd give a lot to hold those 3 year olds again.....every moment counts my friend, and every moment can be golden.

Lovin' your recovery. Love that your love might go on.

I'll take what I can get right now........even the brotherly fights between the boys..........who are both screaming now....tug-o-war over a broom.
Jer
Great news Jer
Good for you Jer!

Things sound like they are getting better. It is all a process, and you know, I forgot to mention this...but when I finally started getting honest about my life, it was a little like I went through a period of grief...kinda like I was mourning the loss of who I thought I was... ??? ( I am not sure that made sense, but hopefully you know what I was trying to say )

I don't know...anyway, I am glad some of your clouds are moving out of your view!

Peace.
Congratulations Jer,
You sound like a different guy.
What a difference I can see already in your posts. You are more optimistic, looking forward, making plans, and your wife is being honest with you, not as angry anymore. Obviously you aren't back to the old 100% guy you were before, but youre making strides. As was said before , it wont happen overnight,with your wife, her forgiveness, but, her heart seems to be opening up a litttle more as she gains trust in you..keep that trust. You are playing in your gigs, enjoying them, soaking them up. And you can see how much you get out of just playing with your boys~ isnt it nice to have that warm, fuzzy feeling from life instead of from the other life you left behind? It is so much more of a pure high, it cannot be described, and you sound like you've got it!
I am so happy for you!
<3 Lucky
Thanks everyone,

Yeah, NFclever, I am in a strange period......thinking about becoming a different person. There is some mourning. It is tough to deal with the fact that there is a new identity being created. The good thing, however, is that I will be even better.......like the $6,000,000 man........we have the technology!

I still have LOTS of low moments. I still beat myself up too much. There is tons of sadness and regret. There is a pile of money to pay back. I get frustrated that I cannot be trusted by loved-ones. Overall, I see that I can make something good out of my life, though.

Friday!!!!! Towards the end of my run, I was eating pills around the clock, so there wasn't ever a weekend. Wife and I are going to a birthday dinner on Saturday......our first night out in a long time. We are working on it. Last night she thought that my eyes "looked strange." She thought I had taken something. It was tough, because I know that I have lied to her in the past. I was just very tired from a LONG week.

Well, thanks again for checking up! It makes me feel good. It helps me think that I can do this.

Rock On!
Jer
P.S.

I have not smoked in four days.
Now you're just showing off.....hehehe

You rock. Everything you do good here saves others, helps them heal.

Every sideways or backwards step is human and another chance to show you've got the guts to try again.

You can't lose.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, what counts is the courage to continue."

- Winston Churchill, alcoholic
Like I wrote, it is not like I am "all better." Right this second, in fact, I am really down and overwhelmed. I'm just trying to changemy thinking so I realize that I might feel better in 10 minutes. I can't go one day at a time, yet........I'm more of a "one hour at a time" guy. Hey......it is better than one second at a time.

I really am blown away by the sincere concern you all have shown me. It is good to know that this "place" is here 24/7!

Jer
One minute at a time sometimes, my friend, one minute at a time. Have you got any phone numbers you can call? If not I recommend the Samaritans (in the UK). They'll get you through the night and into the light.

Our emotions are like a broad river full of currents. A current can sweep you away for a while, off course, tumbling you about until you're disoriented and discouraged, but remember, if you let go and go with the flow the river will win for you in the end, for its course is set and all the currents finally flow in one direction, towards a broad and deep and beautiful ocean full of life and colour.

Relax, don't struggle; you'll simply float to the surface again and eventually be swimming like a F*** dolphin!

Metaphors are us.....(blushes)