Hey Jess,
I was gone on vacation for a week or so but I've been home a awhile and I still dont see ya. Where are ya???? Are you OK????
In the last post from you ,you were to start treatment for Hep C. My husband went thru that twice,2 different times a couple years apart and it is NO picnic. He felt tired and run down and sorta like having the flu. He used interferon the 1st time and Ribaviron? the 2nd. So far, so good. Its very hard on someone who has just that issue to deal with. With you being more ill it will be doubly hard. Know we are all right behind you and I hate to side with your mom but.....veggies are good for you, as is fruit. Easy for me to say all the way from here.LOL
Hang tough sweetie,
Granny
Hi Granny,
I cant tell you how nice it is to check in and see my name at the top of the page. :) I dont know what is going on with me. I have been so tired. I guess I just haven't felt like talking. My youngest has been home for about a month and he is very overwhelming. I shouldnt feel like that cause he is hardly ever home. Hes supposed to go to another group home soon...Im glad. I dont feel cut out to be his mom. He came home this morning beat up and angry...all of his friends are very mad at him...It seems a girl tried to hit him or did hit him. Her boyfriend said that my son hit her . My son says he blocked her hand and her own hand hit her face but whatever, I wasnt there. So the boyfriend and two other people beat him up...Im so mad at him and them. They are all between 18 and 20 he is 15 and he was on drugs. He was still so messed up today and now hes back out there.
I have wanted to get high a lot lately. Today I really wanted a cig. Im fighting it and Im doing good. I got a new counselor and that is going well. Ive just been a little miserable about my son and husband. But all in all Im ok. Oh yeah, and we have been broke like scary broke. My mom took out a loan on the house. We didnt get it yet. My daughters financial aid has not come through yet and we havent brought her anything for school. Shes leaving in about 20 days. Ive been overwhelmed and I guess I didnt come on here cause I kinda shut down when I'm really freaking out.
How everything going with your grandkids? How was your vacation? Where did you go?
Have a nice night, thanx for thinking about me. :)
I cant tell you how nice it is to check in and see my name at the top of the page. :) I dont know what is going on with me. I have been so tired. I guess I just haven't felt like talking. My youngest has been home for about a month and he is very overwhelming. I shouldnt feel like that cause he is hardly ever home. Hes supposed to go to another group home soon...Im glad. I dont feel cut out to be his mom. He came home this morning beat up and angry...all of his friends are very mad at him...It seems a girl tried to hit him or did hit him. Her boyfriend said that my son hit her . My son says he blocked her hand and her own hand hit her face but whatever, I wasnt there. So the boyfriend and two other people beat him up...Im so mad at him and them. They are all between 18 and 20 he is 15 and he was on drugs. He was still so messed up today and now hes back out there.
I have wanted to get high a lot lately. Today I really wanted a cig. Im fighting it and Im doing good. I got a new counselor and that is going well. Ive just been a little miserable about my son and husband. But all in all Im ok. Oh yeah, and we have been broke like scary broke. My mom took out a loan on the house. We didnt get it yet. My daughters financial aid has not come through yet and we havent brought her anything for school. Shes leaving in about 20 days. Ive been overwhelmed and I guess I didnt come on here cause I kinda shut down when I'm really freaking out.
How everything going with your grandkids? How was your vacation? Where did you go?
Have a nice night, thanx for thinking about me. :)
Oh Jessie honey. I'm sorry for all that you're going through right now. And I know that I don't have to tell that being high, won't solve a thing, just make more of a mess for you. But I get it. In times of stress and strife, we look for ways to feel better, even if for just a few minutes. Hiding won't make it go away though. You have talk, get this crap out of your head before it gets bigger than you. I'm pretty much available during the week so if you ever want to talk, here's my email... saddlesore78@yahoo.com I'll give you my phone number when you write or you can give me yours, I have free long distance. I worry about you alot, think about you at the oddest times..just know that you're in my prayers and heart.
I hope the situation with your son gets better when he goes to the group home. He sounds like a handful. He needs help that is beyond you.
I have a dear friend who struggles with money issues daily, big ones and between the two of us we've been able to come up with resources that have helped her. Maybe I can share those with you as well.
Hang in there darlin.
Lisa
PS..so proud of you that you haven't smoked!!! YAY! Day 28 for me.
I hope the situation with your son gets better when he goes to the group home. He sounds like a handful. He needs help that is beyond you.
I have a dear friend who struggles with money issues daily, big ones and between the two of us we've been able to come up with resources that have helped her. Maybe I can share those with you as well.
Hang in there darlin.
Lisa
PS..so proud of you that you haven't smoked!!! YAY! Day 28 for me.
Hey Jess!
I'm so glad to hear you are doin' OK. I have been where you are so many times. My youngest was in and out of psych hospitals from the time he was about 15. Its tough. But like CG says,I couldnt say it any better, keep coming here and let us know whats up with you so maybe we can help.
Ya know, my only sister died suddenly 2+ years ago and there are days when things are going on and I want, need, to talk to someone. I dont have many friends. Even though I have never met any of the gals and guys on this site face to face I know I can come here and dump whatever I need to or ask for advice or whatever and I know I'll get an answer from one of you. No judgements or lies,and hopefully the hard truth if thats what I need to hear.
Thanks so much for that.
Granny
I'm so glad to hear you are doin' OK. I have been where you are so many times. My youngest was in and out of psych hospitals from the time he was about 15. Its tough. But like CG says,I couldnt say it any better, keep coming here and let us know whats up with you so maybe we can help.
Ya know, my only sister died suddenly 2+ years ago and there are days when things are going on and I want, need, to talk to someone. I dont have many friends. Even though I have never met any of the gals and guys on this site face to face I know I can come here and dump whatever I need to or ask for advice or whatever and I know I'll get an answer from one of you. No judgements or lies,and hopefully the hard truth if thats what I need to hear.
Thanks so much for that.
Granny
I love you guys!
Im really too tired to write. I just want you to know that Im here and Im ok. I feel the same way about you guys. You are my friends. Probably my best friends. I think you are both awesome.
Yay! 28 days! That is great! I dont know how long its been for me. I dont know why, you would think I'd have marked the day down. I just know it was a Sunday or a Monday. I guess its been a couple of months....Now I just want cake but we have no money so Ive been making lots of rice and beans and mom has us all on a diet...still want cake though. :(
Love you guys,
Have a great night!
Jessi
Im really too tired to write. I just want you to know that Im here and Im ok. I feel the same way about you guys. You are my friends. Probably my best friends. I think you are both awesome.
Yay! 28 days! That is great! I dont know how long its been for me. I dont know why, you would think I'd have marked the day down. I just know it was a Sunday or a Monday. I guess its been a couple of months....Now I just want cake but we have no money so Ive been making lots of rice and beans and mom has us all on a diet...still want cake though. :(
Love you guys,
Have a great night!
Jessi
Hi Jessie, good to have you around, girl. Don't be a stranger :-)
Love ~ M&M
Love ~ M&M
There she is....HI Jessie...I miss you!!
How was your weekend? I hope things are getting better for you. Oh my, I know all about being so scary broke you have to eat ramen noodles all the time...it's not fun. I've spent all my cash before on drugs and had to rely on some pretty crappy food to get by on. I've had this happen before drugs were in my life too so it can happen to anyone, at anytime. It sucks.
So I feel your pain. Especially about the cake, lol. I freakin love cake too. Chocolate with white whipped cream icing. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Someday I'll meet ya hun and I'll have cake for you! ;)
You hang in there - you get depressed, bored, excited, anything..come tell us about it! We are always here.
Love and prayers and hugs!!
XXOO
Melissa
PS. I'm sorry about your son, I hate to see you so distressed. I"ll pray for him too - that he gets well and finds his way without too much heartache on you. I'll make sure to add that P.S. to my prayers!
How was your weekend? I hope things are getting better for you. Oh my, I know all about being so scary broke you have to eat ramen noodles all the time...it's not fun. I've spent all my cash before on drugs and had to rely on some pretty crappy food to get by on. I've had this happen before drugs were in my life too so it can happen to anyone, at anytime. It sucks.
So I feel your pain. Especially about the cake, lol. I freakin love cake too. Chocolate with white whipped cream icing. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Someday I'll meet ya hun and I'll have cake for you! ;)
You hang in there - you get depressed, bored, excited, anything..come tell us about it! We are always here.
Love and prayers and hugs!!
XXOO
Melissa
PS. I'm sorry about your son, I hate to see you so distressed. I"ll pray for him too - that he gets well and finds his way without too much heartache on you. I'll make sure to add that P.S. to my prayers!
Hey Jessie....where are ya???
I start to worry about you when I dont hear something from you for a week or more. Now we are going on a month.....I know you get tired easily.........
Check in with us OK???
Waiting to hear your voice.....
Granny
I start to worry about you when I dont hear something from you for a week or more. Now we are going on a month.....I know you get tired easily.........
Check in with us OK???
Waiting to hear your voice.....
Granny
Jessi and Con..
Starting to get a little worried.
Does anyone have Con's email?
Starting to get a little worried.
Does anyone have Con's email?
Hey Cowgirl,
Jack knows Cons email I think...I'm a little surprised she hasnt checked in for so long....Hope she is just very busy with that house. I hate to think of something worse. As far as Jess goes,I worry because she is so sick,but she also goes thru times where she gets so tired....and she was trying to quit smoking too.....
How are YOU doing with your grandkids??? Tired of those tea parties yet LOL?????
I just got home from taking my GD to the nail salon, again. I turned her on to acrylic nails.....I've created a monster!!! Her nail beds are so small theres not a lot of room to hold the tips on. Consequently one or 2 pop off much sooner,even with double primer,instead of lasting 2 weeks at least. And at $18. for each fill it adds up.They do look nice. I had them for about 20 years,so it is nice to have them off my nails....
The weather here has been horribly hot. I feel for all those that are in Louisiana, or anywhere that has been affected by the hurricanes. We've had flash flooding in nearby counties and some good thunderstorms but nothing like back east.
Well, take care,
Granny
Jack knows Cons email I think...I'm a little surprised she hasnt checked in for so long....Hope she is just very busy with that house. I hate to think of something worse. As far as Jess goes,I worry because she is so sick,but she also goes thru times where she gets so tired....and she was trying to quit smoking too.....
How are YOU doing with your grandkids??? Tired of those tea parties yet LOL?????
I just got home from taking my GD to the nail salon, again. I turned her on to acrylic nails.....I've created a monster!!! Her nail beds are so small theres not a lot of room to hold the tips on. Consequently one or 2 pop off much sooner,even with double primer,instead of lasting 2 weeks at least. And at $18. for each fill it adds up.They do look nice. I had them for about 20 years,so it is nice to have them off my nails....
The weather here has been horribly hot. I feel for all those that are in Louisiana, or anywhere that has been affected by the hurricanes. We've had flash flooding in nearby counties and some good thunderstorms but nothing like back east.
Well, take care,
Granny
Hey Jess...and everyone...:)
popping in...I know I know...I haven't been around in awhile...apologies to all...been working on alot of things...have 2 sponsorees that keep me most definitely on the right track whether i want to be or not....a very humbling experience...looking at trying to complete my degree...20 years enough time ya think ? ..ha ha...and lots of changes and things going on work wise...just a lot keeping me busy...im steady and holding at a measly 20 mgs or whatever the damn conversion is...i dropped .5 and am now just holding...no hurry to jump off...if it happens it does...but right now its all good....miss all of you and think of you often...hugs to everyone...and to those that are still struggling...you can do it...i will be 5 years clean this coming may...cant believe it...time has gone fast...
Con
popping in...I know I know...I haven't been around in awhile...apologies to all...been working on alot of things...have 2 sponsorees that keep me most definitely on the right track whether i want to be or not....a very humbling experience...looking at trying to complete my degree...20 years enough time ya think ? ..ha ha...and lots of changes and things going on work wise...just a lot keeping me busy...im steady and holding at a measly 20 mgs or whatever the damn conversion is...i dropped .5 and am now just holding...no hurry to jump off...if it happens it does...but right now its all good....miss all of you and think of you often...hugs to everyone...and to those that are still struggling...you can do it...i will be 5 years clean this coming may...cant believe it...time has gone fast...
Con
Hey Con!!!!!!
It is SO good to hear from you and that you are doing well.....A big hug and congrats that you are hanging in there!!!!
So.....how is the kitchenless house doing? I'm guessing you have a kitchen by now...that still baffles me.
We are hanging in there. Just got permanent guardianship of my grandson(Aug 20th) so now we are all finished with the courts. The kids started 9th grade and with the exception of Biology( both have F's so far because of some silly notebook) they are both doing better than we could of hoped,even "Mr. Grumbles ALOT" the grandson.He leads you to believe that he can't do any of the work but then you see the progress reports and you see A+'s and A's and B+'s and you wonder....My GD is loving high school so far too. They both start swimming next week which should be nice because it has been so danged hot here!!!
Our clinic meetings are going well too. The clinic added a couple requirements to intake,one being that you attend one meeting a week in addition to the regularly scheduled monthly counseling sessions required by the state. Consequently the number of patients attending our meetings has gone up. We are also the only meeting run by patients so that helps.
Anyway, I'll quit boring you with all that stuff. Thanks for checking in, we worry about you.......
Don't be a stranger!!!!!!
Granny
It is SO good to hear from you and that you are doing well.....A big hug and congrats that you are hanging in there!!!!
So.....how is the kitchenless house doing? I'm guessing you have a kitchen by now...that still baffles me.
We are hanging in there. Just got permanent guardianship of my grandson(Aug 20th) so now we are all finished with the courts. The kids started 9th grade and with the exception of Biology( both have F's so far because of some silly notebook) they are both doing better than we could of hoped,even "Mr. Grumbles ALOT" the grandson.He leads you to believe that he can't do any of the work but then you see the progress reports and you see A+'s and A's and B+'s and you wonder....My GD is loving high school so far too. They both start swimming next week which should be nice because it has been so danged hot here!!!
Our clinic meetings are going well too. The clinic added a couple requirements to intake,one being that you attend one meeting a week in addition to the regularly scheduled monthly counseling sessions required by the state. Consequently the number of patients attending our meetings has gone up. We are also the only meeting run by patients so that helps.
Anyway, I'll quit boring you with all that stuff. Thanks for checking in, we worry about you.......
Don't be a stranger!!!!!!
Granny
wow Granny, your have been wicked busy !! yes, europe doesn't come with kitchens and lights in their apartments...ha ha...yes we have a kitchen now...we took ours with us...
awesome news about your grandchildren, way to go !!
not sure how i feel about making everyone attend a meeting at your clinic.....I don't know if i would want to be pressured into it, especially if i had to already get out of work to come to a monthly one...how do people work in your clinic ??....just curious...
so glad your doing well and your grand kids are with you !! Its been chilly out here, summer is most definitely over....but i love the fall !...hugs back at ya..
Con
awesome news about your grandchildren, way to go !!
not sure how i feel about making everyone attend a meeting at your clinic.....I don't know if i would want to be pressured into it, especially if i had to already get out of work to come to a monthly one...how do people work in your clinic ??....just curious...
so glad your doing well and your grand kids are with you !! Its been chilly out here, summer is most definitely over....but i love the fall !...hugs back at ya..
Con
Wow Con....not only no kitchens..NO lights either???? Where is the logic in that??
Your reaction to the mandatory meeting was how a lot of the patients took it as well. It's actually a good thing. The state requires you have a minimum of 50 minutes a month with a counselor if you are a "cash" patient. If you are on medi-cal, you meet with your counselor once a week.
Oddly enough,they say that it is the cash paying patients who don't do as well as the medi-cal patients.Meaning, the medi-cal patients stay in treatment longer etc..I think not having to worry about paying your bill each month takes a big load off their minds and the weekly counseling keeps them in check.
There are 9 different meetings available during the week (mon-fri) starting as early as 5AM, with the last one being at noon.They range from relapse prevention to womens support to not smoking and even a movie discussion with popcorn. All are run by staff counselors, except ours.On the week you have your scheduled clinic counseling you are not required to attend a meeting during that week,and patients who can prove that they are unable to attend any of the other weekly meetings because of job commitments are reviewed by the clinic manager and their individual counselor and most are excused. The clinic just doesn't advertise that fact.
I think its a good thing because without some sort of support,patients in the early stages of recovery need more than just "good morning,heres your dose,see you tomorrow", do you agree ??
Well,listen to me...finally get you to pop in for a minute and already I am on my soapbox.(I guess I'm a little partial,I see my counselor once a month and because we run the K2R meeting every week it lets us off the hook for attending more, altho it probably wouldn't hurt.)
Have a great weekend. Everyone is celebrating the 3 day Labor Day weekend,and the kids are out of school tomorrow too. More sleeping in for me!!!
Good to hear your voice.Hope all is well with you and yours. What is the weather like there this time of year?
Hugs,
Granny
Your reaction to the mandatory meeting was how a lot of the patients took it as well. It's actually a good thing. The state requires you have a minimum of 50 minutes a month with a counselor if you are a "cash" patient. If you are on medi-cal, you meet with your counselor once a week.
Oddly enough,they say that it is the cash paying patients who don't do as well as the medi-cal patients.Meaning, the medi-cal patients stay in treatment longer etc..I think not having to worry about paying your bill each month takes a big load off their minds and the weekly counseling keeps them in check.
There are 9 different meetings available during the week (mon-fri) starting as early as 5AM, with the last one being at noon.They range from relapse prevention to womens support to not smoking and even a movie discussion with popcorn. All are run by staff counselors, except ours.On the week you have your scheduled clinic counseling you are not required to attend a meeting during that week,and patients who can prove that they are unable to attend any of the other weekly meetings because of job commitments are reviewed by the clinic manager and their individual counselor and most are excused. The clinic just doesn't advertise that fact.
I think its a good thing because without some sort of support,patients in the early stages of recovery need more than just "good morning,heres your dose,see you tomorrow", do you agree ??
Well,listen to me...finally get you to pop in for a minute and already I am on my soapbox.(I guess I'm a little partial,I see my counselor once a month and because we run the K2R meeting every week it lets us off the hook for attending more, altho it probably wouldn't hurt.)
Have a great weekend. Everyone is celebrating the 3 day Labor Day weekend,and the kids are out of school tomorrow too. More sleeping in for me!!!
Good to hear your voice.Hope all is well with you and yours. What is the weather like there this time of year?
Hugs,
Granny
It is so good to see you post Con! You sound good..busy, but good.
Personally? I think meetings should be mandatory while on MMT or Sub. They are just a tool for recovery after all. Anything and everything you can do to keep your recovery going should be used. Any good addiction specialist should require it as part of thier program. Just my opinion. Those that stay in a program and actually work it, have a better chance of staying clean than those that just ride it out. Want to be happy and healthy? Never stop learning how to achieve that.
4 more days and my granddaughter goes home. The time has gone way too fast. I have taken for granted that she is here every morning when I wake up. Come Sunday, I'm going to be a puddle.
Personally? I think meetings should be mandatory while on MMT or Sub. They are just a tool for recovery after all. Anything and everything you can do to keep your recovery going should be used. Any good addiction specialist should require it as part of thier program. Just my opinion. Those that stay in a program and actually work it, have a better chance of staying clean than those that just ride it out. Want to be happy and healthy? Never stop learning how to achieve that.
4 more days and my granddaughter goes home. The time has gone way too fast. I have taken for granted that she is here every morning when I wake up. Come Sunday, I'm going to be a puddle.
Hey CG,
I have been where you are and it is no fun. I'm sorry you have to go thru it.
How has your DIL been doing since you have had the kids?
Our guardianship for my GS is finally finished as of Aug 20th, I 'm so glad. The kids are doing so well in school....with the exception of Biology,which both are failing.....and they have the same teacher....their grades are fantastic across the board, A+'s,A's, B+'s,one B-....I cant ask for more.
They started swimming today. Only 2 girls wore 2 piece bikinis,my GD being one and she is quite proud of herself. Not sure why...I told her to just wait till she has a bikini top "malfunction"jumping in the pool....These are co-ed PE classes.....She didnt want to hear it. Oh well.
It was good to hear from Con wasnt it? I think Jack may have put a bug in her ear.
Well, time for dinner...enjoy your days Lisa.
Granny
I have been where you are and it is no fun. I'm sorry you have to go thru it.
How has your DIL been doing since you have had the kids?
Our guardianship for my GS is finally finished as of Aug 20th, I 'm so glad. The kids are doing so well in school....with the exception of Biology,which both are failing.....and they have the same teacher....their grades are fantastic across the board, A+'s,A's, B+'s,one B-....I cant ask for more.
They started swimming today. Only 2 girls wore 2 piece bikinis,my GD being one and she is quite proud of herself. Not sure why...I told her to just wait till she has a bikini top "malfunction"jumping in the pool....These are co-ed PE classes.....She didnt want to hear it. Oh well.
It was good to hear from Con wasnt it? I think Jack may have put a bug in her ear.
Well, time for dinner...enjoy your days Lisa.
Granny
My ex DIL stopped communicating after about 3 weeks of Chally being here. Just text messages asking to speak to her daughter. So, no, I don't know how she is. I reached out, gave her the information and 24Gordon's phone number..it's all I can do. My son says that when she calls at night, she has more nights than not where she doesn't sound like she's been drinking. So that's a good thing. My grandson however, is done with all of us. He won't talk to his dad, won't answer my phone calls. Not sure what happend but have a pretty good idea. I was going to take Chally home so that I could spend time with Ky but it's more important that his dad takes her home so that he can see Ky and try to get through to him. He is one angry little boy and doesn't have all of the information..just what his mother tells him and once she found out about the new baby, well, I can just imagine what she said to Ky.
Why can't adults just let kids be kids?
Your GD is very brave to wear a 2 piece during swimming..lol glad to hear both kids are doing well in school..
Anyone ever hear from Rosie?
Why can't adults just let kids be kids?
Your GD is very brave to wear a 2 piece during swimming..lol glad to hear both kids are doing well in school..
Anyone ever hear from Rosie?
Hey Guys,
Sorry its been so long...I was doing really good. I was. I was coming up on 2 years in October. I
was so proud...now I dont think it counts...I have been wanting to get high....really really bad so bad that I am starting to cry now. God! I miss it...Im so tired of fighting. So tonight I had a bottle of peach shnapps left over from some recipe...I thought that it had been so long that I would feel something...but I didnt, not really. I just got a little buzzed. But its not what I want. I want dope! I want a needle in my arm. I want it so bad. Its taking everything inside me not to run away....Im losing it. and whats really crazy is even if I went looking for it I wouldnt be able to find it and I would spend hundreds on crack....Im so glad I dont have a debit card im my pocket right now....I didnt even get to the worst part...I shot up trazadon....didnt really feel anything cause I want to nod and it definitely did not do that.....I hate myself. I was doing so good....I dont want to fight anymore...Im so tired....and fat I just want to get high and be skinny again...gosh! the trazadone did not feel good ohhhhh but the needle....Im so sorry...but it felt so goooooood seeing the blood......It was almost enough......but NOT! I was a homeless, hooker, crack head junkie for so long...people expect so much from me now...like Im just supposed to be this "normal" person....well Im not...even though it was horrible... I miss being that street person,,,,,no pressure just get up, get money (dont get robbed) and get high. It sucked....but it was simple...Its all I know. Im holding on tight EVERYDAY....but a lot of the time I just want to let go.... If I wasnt sick I dont think I would still be doing this....I dont want to tell anybody...I feel so dumb and they just dont understand How I can miss my street life...but I do....I look in the mirror and say "theres not much more time" I wont be cute forever...Im not that cute now...but it would only take a couple of weeks...I lose weight fast out there....Im struggling and I now feel like a failor.....but I did not smoke a cig LOL....Ive got to get rid of that needle I KNOW I just can never let it go...I think sometimes Im not sober cause I want to be...its cause I dont know where to find the dope down here....
I feel like a jerk
love you all
Jessi
ps My name is Holly by the way...When I first came on here I was so afraid cause of the HIV hooker thing. I was afraid someone would be like "hey your that ho who got me sick" LOL SOOOO paranoid. Now Im just me... Im a mess and Im scared Im about to fall. I feel it and it makes me want to die...but living sober makes me want to die too....sometimes Im so frustrated that I screwed up but did not even get to "feel" it...Im lost and scared...I dont want to fight anymore....when does it stop being a fight.....G-night Guys
Sorry its been so long...I was doing really good. I was. I was coming up on 2 years in October. I
was so proud...now I dont think it counts...I have been wanting to get high....really really bad so bad that I am starting to cry now. God! I miss it...Im so tired of fighting. So tonight I had a bottle of peach shnapps left over from some recipe...I thought that it had been so long that I would feel something...but I didnt, not really. I just got a little buzzed. But its not what I want. I want dope! I want a needle in my arm. I want it so bad. Its taking everything inside me not to run away....Im losing it. and whats really crazy is even if I went looking for it I wouldnt be able to find it and I would spend hundreds on crack....Im so glad I dont have a debit card im my pocket right now....I didnt even get to the worst part...I shot up trazadon....didnt really feel anything cause I want to nod and it definitely did not do that.....I hate myself. I was doing so good....I dont want to fight anymore...Im so tired....and fat I just want to get high and be skinny again...gosh! the trazadone did not feel good ohhhhh but the needle....Im so sorry...but it felt so goooooood seeing the blood......It was almost enough......but NOT! I was a homeless, hooker, crack head junkie for so long...people expect so much from me now...like Im just supposed to be this "normal" person....well Im not...even though it was horrible... I miss being that street person,,,,,no pressure just get up, get money (dont get robbed) and get high. It sucked....but it was simple...Its all I know. Im holding on tight EVERYDAY....but a lot of the time I just want to let go.... If I wasnt sick I dont think I would still be doing this....I dont want to tell anybody...I feel so dumb and they just dont understand How I can miss my street life...but I do....I look in the mirror and say "theres not much more time" I wont be cute forever...Im not that cute now...but it would only take a couple of weeks...I lose weight fast out there....Im struggling and I now feel like a failor.....but I did not smoke a cig LOL....Ive got to get rid of that needle I KNOW I just can never let it go...I think sometimes Im not sober cause I want to be...its cause I dont know where to find the dope down here....
I feel like a jerk
love you all
Jessi
ps My name is Holly by the way...When I first came on here I was so afraid cause of the HIV hooker thing. I was afraid someone would be like "hey your that ho who got me sick" LOL SOOOO paranoid. Now Im just me... Im a mess and Im scared Im about to fall. I feel it and it makes me want to die...but living sober makes me want to die too....sometimes Im so frustrated that I screwed up but did not even get to "feel" it...Im lost and scared...I dont want to fight anymore....when does it stop being a fight.....G-night Guys
Oh Jess...
I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I knew the longer we didnt hear from you that something wasnt quite right and I was worried about you. The fact that you are truthful about what you did is good for you..... lots of folks feel the same way about shooting up and the fixation on the needles, I promise you that. Throw the danged thing away....and for some the fight gets easier over time. Not having it staring you in the face is a good step to take.
I think you are in a really bad place right now. Please,can you go to a meeting or tell someone you trust how you are feeling?? These things sometimes happen when you are trying to stay clean,but you shouldnt go it alone. Writing to you from so many miles away is great but you need someone close to you to lean on and there is no shame in telling your loved ones you are in a scary place today.They love you,even if they dont understand what you went through or are going through.
You have come such a long way just since I first started writing to you a year ago. I wish I could drive over and help you. Please tell someone how you are feeling OK?
I'm sending a BIG GRANNY HUG to you,Holly...
Love,Granny
I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I knew the longer we didnt hear from you that something wasnt quite right and I was worried about you. The fact that you are truthful about what you did is good for you..... lots of folks feel the same way about shooting up and the fixation on the needles, I promise you that. Throw the danged thing away....and for some the fight gets easier over time. Not having it staring you in the face is a good step to take.
I think you are in a really bad place right now. Please,can you go to a meeting or tell someone you trust how you are feeling?? These things sometimes happen when you are trying to stay clean,but you shouldnt go it alone. Writing to you from so many miles away is great but you need someone close to you to lean on and there is no shame in telling your loved ones you are in a scary place today.They love you,even if they dont understand what you went through or are going through.
You have come such a long way just since I first started writing to you a year ago. I wish I could drive over and help you. Please tell someone how you are feeling OK?
I'm sending a BIG GRANNY HUG to you,Holly...
Love,Granny
Hey Grannie,
Im doing much better today...Im so grateful that I didnt leave this house so grateful I didnt go out and find any real drugs...I had time to really look at whats going on with me. My kids are all going through alot right now even my daughter who is at college. She and her roomate hate each other..well hate is a strong word. Its really hurting my kid who was already feeling so alone and homesick. I want to go save her but I know I cant, My oldest is depressed and my youngest will be on his way to training school before this year is up. Training school is a harsher form of Juvie.
I was dealing with all that. My husband was locked up again and I was really strong again when he got out I told him he could not come here and that I didnt really want to see him untill he proved he could be free (not locked up) and sober for some time...This time I added on faithfull. In the past cause I was a hooker for so long I kinda overlooked him having sex with other people..I mean not when we are really together but I kinda was understanding cause we live so far apart. Well I decided that I am better than that. Im not having sex why should he get to be so weak? I told him so...and he started talking about devorse...probably to be manipulative. He probably thought I would panic and not care what he does....Im just not that person anymore. I guess I knew yesterday that I was done but I stuffed it down. I was in complete denial. And I lost it. Today I wrote him the letter telling him that Im ready for the devorse too......Oh Im starting to cry again. I didnt think it would hurt this bad to finally let go. I havent even seen him in like 3 years. But I always had so much hope...I was settling. Gosh! I need spell check. This is moms new computer and I havent figured that out yet. Anyway, ya I was settling. I deserve better...or I just deserve to be free and at peace. But for right now it hurts. I feel beyond pain. I feel dead...I cant even tell my mom shell just be so happy and that will make me angry. Im so sad. Hes still feels like my only friend.
Im gonna stop now. Thanx for your Grannie hugs...I wish you werent so far away cause I would totally get me one of them. :)
PS Im sorry to everyone for anything I wrote last night that was inappropreate..talking about the blood and stuff that wasnt cool. I was losing it. Good-night All
Im doing much better today...Im so grateful that I didnt leave this house so grateful I didnt go out and find any real drugs...I had time to really look at whats going on with me. My kids are all going through alot right now even my daughter who is at college. She and her roomate hate each other..well hate is a strong word. Its really hurting my kid who was already feeling so alone and homesick. I want to go save her but I know I cant, My oldest is depressed and my youngest will be on his way to training school before this year is up. Training school is a harsher form of Juvie.
I was dealing with all that. My husband was locked up again and I was really strong again when he got out I told him he could not come here and that I didnt really want to see him untill he proved he could be free (not locked up) and sober for some time...This time I added on faithfull. In the past cause I was a hooker for so long I kinda overlooked him having sex with other people..I mean not when we are really together but I kinda was understanding cause we live so far apart. Well I decided that I am better than that. Im not having sex why should he get to be so weak? I told him so...and he started talking about devorse...probably to be manipulative. He probably thought I would panic and not care what he does....Im just not that person anymore. I guess I knew yesterday that I was done but I stuffed it down. I was in complete denial. And I lost it. Today I wrote him the letter telling him that Im ready for the devorse too......Oh Im starting to cry again. I didnt think it would hurt this bad to finally let go. I havent even seen him in like 3 years. But I always had so much hope...I was settling. Gosh! I need spell check. This is moms new computer and I havent figured that out yet. Anyway, ya I was settling. I deserve better...or I just deserve to be free and at peace. But for right now it hurts. I feel beyond pain. I feel dead...I cant even tell my mom shell just be so happy and that will make me angry. Im so sad. Hes still feels like my only friend.
Im gonna stop now. Thanx for your Grannie hugs...I wish you werent so far away cause I would totally get me one of them. :)
PS Im sorry to everyone for anything I wrote last night that was inappropreate..talking about the blood and stuff that wasnt cool. I was losing it. Good-night All
