Hey all....funeral was yesterday. I was so scared. Drank 3 small glasses of champagn, a glass of baileys and a shot of brandy before i left. Wierd though how it didnt even affect me.
The flowers were amazing....I had Daddy in pink from Kiala, Fiance from me in blue and white, his Mum had gates of heaven with Son across and his sister had Brother. They were lovely. Instead of people buying flowers we suggested a collection for Kiala as Kevin didnt like flowers. All in all we raised over 200 pounds for Kiala which I am going to stick into a savings account for her, to help her in the future.
The funeral service was great, the minister was so down to earth, I even plucked up the courage to read out my speach about Kevin at the last minute, which made everyone cry. All his close mates, and family carried the coffin. I was so proud of them to be able to do it for Kevin. Kevin would of been so proud of us all.
I went to see him yesterday before the funeral...I know this sounds strange but when I first saw him he looked asleep, yesterday he really did look dead. I could see the bruising on his neck and also the stitches in the back of his head where they had done the aurtopsy (or however you spell it)????
I dont think it matters how you see them in the coffin though because I will always remember him the way he was before all this. That memory will never go. Still cant quite believe he is gone. I am going back home this weekend so have changed my internet to wireless so I dont have to sit in the spooky room in the house which I have never liked. Means I can sit on here if need be when I am lying on sofa or in bed. I maybe also bringing my sisters dog for a week, just for confort till I settle in. Its gonna be strange but I have stayed there the last 2 nights and also 2 nights last week with his Mam so I should be fine.
Kiala hasnt been herself since, she clings to me for her life...think she thinks i am gonna leave her too. She keeps seeing a white van and saying Daddy Daddy...I would love to see her face if he walked around the corner cos she loved him so much. She also has a touch of flu so is really bunged up, coughin, sneezin and really lousy. She aint sleeping either so she is extra wingy for me, which dont help cos I aint slept for days.
Anyway am gonna get off, get a drink then try an early night cos I think thats my little princess asleep now. Feel free to email me at lyndsayg425@hotmail.co.uk.
Gave my family and Kevins family the address for on here...it helped me so much so I wanna share it with them, to help them understand more.
Take care all.
Lynds, you've been so brave. I can't imagine how hard this has all been for you. I can't write much now, coz my girl wants to go to bed, but I just wanted to say that you're awesome.
much love
Diff xxxx
much love
Diff xxxx
Dear Lynds,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray God will provide you and your daughter the comfort you need to get through the coming days. Kevin is with God now and will always be watching over his girls. God Bless you both.
With much sadness,
Beck
I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray God will provide you and your daughter the comfort you need to get through the coming days. Kevin is with God now and will always be watching over his girls. God Bless you both.
With much sadness,
Beck
Awwww, our Bunny Rocker........you have been very brave.
That's good ya got wireless too............I have the depest respect for you, and indeed Kevin is with you.
Pay attention and I know you'll get signs.
We all adore ya, girlie, and thank you for posting.......I've been wondering how you are.
That's good ya got wireless too............I have the depest respect for you, and indeed Kevin is with you.
Pay attention and I know you'll get signs.
We all adore ya, girlie, and thank you for posting.......I've been wondering how you are.
Yes, Lynds, what Diff said. You have shown remarkable grace, strength, and courage and you will do a wonderful job raising Kiala and keeping her dad's memory alive for her. Get some rest and we'll see you when you're ready.
Peace~MomNMore
Peace~MomNMore
I agree with all of the above. Bunny, you have shown courage and strength and you can tell that you are a wonderful Mom. Draw strength in that. Your daughter is one lucky little girl, she has an awesome Mother, who is also a great role model.
God Bless You!
God Bless You!
hi lynds it sounds like kevin had a great send off , i hope the baby dont get the bug my kids have had its awful they took it in turns to vomit an it was none stop . im glad to hear your doing ok and being very brave , also giving this site to yours an kevins family is a great idea my partner became an addict nearly 9 yrs ago i thought i knew everythink there is to know about addiction but when i found this site i realized i never
take care emma xx
take care emma xx
Don't know what to say Lynds, That was a brave thing you did, i know i couldn't have done it. Stay strong. Thinking of you and Kiala, Kev
Lynds, I just want to say it again. What you've been through and how you've handled yourself, well it puts all my stupid problems into perspective, and I feel utterly humbled by your strength and your courage. A lesser person would have completely fallen apart. I know there is nothing anybody can say that will take away your pain, which is another reason why I think you are so special because you have coped so remarkably - even coming on here and giving kind and helpful words to others who are in difficult circumstances. You are so young but you seem to have lived a thousand lifetimes already.
I worry for you though. You are being superhuman, being strong for everybody else, your daughter, Kevins family and friends. I do think about you, going back to your house, and being alone for the first time since this happened. I know that it's something you have to do eventually, but I know that being there at night, with nothing to distract you, it's going to be very hard on you. Please remember that there are people, like me, who although we haven't met you in person, we're are thinking about you, and sending you as much love as we can. You wouldn't believe how much thoughts of you pop into my mind, I feel I can almost smell your pain, and if I could hold your hand via a mind-meld, I would.
much love
Diff xxxx
I worry for you though. You are being superhuman, being strong for everybody else, your daughter, Kevins family and friends. I do think about you, going back to your house, and being alone for the first time since this happened. I know that it's something you have to do eventually, but I know that being there at night, with nothing to distract you, it's going to be very hard on you. Please remember that there are people, like me, who although we haven't met you in person, we're are thinking about you, and sending you as much love as we can. You wouldn't believe how much thoughts of you pop into my mind, I feel I can almost smell your pain, and if I could hold your hand via a mind-meld, I would.
much love
Diff xxxx
Thank you so much everyone. I hope that in my experience that I can help other people, even if only one.
I am being strong for Kiala and everyone else but most of all for myself and because I know life goes on and that he aint ever coming back. I think after the year I have had, I almost guessed it would come to this..or jail. Even jail sorts him out for a little while but then he slipped back into the devils arms everytime.
I feel bad to say I also feel a sence of relief that his pain is over and I cant start afresh and picking up the pieces. Although he is gone, he will never be forgotten. He will be in my mind and always in my heart. I love him dearly but sometimes love isnt everything and is certainly no reason to stay with anyone.
Kevin threatened to take his own life many times if I didnt stay with him, the day he raised his hands to me, I knew I couldnt take no more, and could not risk my life for his own. Thats why although I was shocked to find him, deep down a part of me expected it.
Although I am only 24, I would say I feel like a have lived 3 lifetimes because of the knowledge and experience that Kevin left with me. He tought me so much and made me a stronger person and I will always be grateful to him for that, even if I did learn the hard way.
Thank you all once again for your kind and thoughtfull replies.
Lynds xx
Lynds
I am being strong for Kiala and everyone else but most of all for myself and because I know life goes on and that he aint ever coming back. I think after the year I have had, I almost guessed it would come to this..or jail. Even jail sorts him out for a little while but then he slipped back into the devils arms everytime.
I feel bad to say I also feel a sence of relief that his pain is over and I cant start afresh and picking up the pieces. Although he is gone, he will never be forgotten. He will be in my mind and always in my heart. I love him dearly but sometimes love isnt everything and is certainly no reason to stay with anyone.
Kevin threatened to take his own life many times if I didnt stay with him, the day he raised his hands to me, I knew I couldnt take no more, and could not risk my life for his own. Thats why although I was shocked to find him, deep down a part of me expected it.
Although I am only 24, I would say I feel like a have lived 3 lifetimes because of the knowledge and experience that Kevin left with me. He tought me so much and made me a stronger person and I will always be grateful to him for that, even if I did learn the hard way.
Thank you all once again for your kind and thoughtfull replies.
Lynds xx
Lynds
oh lynds--ypu are so very strong, and kevin made a good move making you the mother of his child--yes he was on the road to destruction, and while of course i would never wish this on anyone-in away(and i think you realize this) it may be easier for you to make your life and kiala's life more settled and there is no-longer wondering will he stay clean this time-will he hit me--please-dont get me wrong, i would never wish this on you or him, but god works in mysteriouse ways, I have learned so much from your and his experience, you will be fine-i am so glad you are not taking on too much, and you are thnking so clearly--I dont think i could be nearly as gracefull as you--all my love
You have lived three lifetimes love, and it's ok to feel that sense of relief. You hold on to the happy memories, those are the ones that you'll want to share with Kiala. In some ways, the pain is over, in others it's just beginning. I hope you find peace in this mad and hectic and screwed up world.
Maddy x x x
Maddy x x x
