Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd write a bit as I don't come here very often anymore.
My dad got taken into hospital on Monday as he collapsed in the park when he was out with the dog. My mum and I had to go over and see him and when we got there he was laughing and joking with the nurses so he wasn't in any real danger.
The thing is though is that the whole lot of it is an act, he behaves like we're all fine and he gets on with everyone when he's around strangers, but he's home now and it's all back to the way it is before, huffing and scowling and swearing. I guess I just hoped it would last this time, but it hasn't. I should be used to it now...
It's just so bloody confusing, obviously I'm glad that he's ok but he makes my life hell sometimes. I'm walking on eggshells with him the whole time and it's exhausting. It's making my progress with the Psychologist I see a bit slower as he's the main root of the problems I have and I can't reason with him coz he just gets mad at me.
I'm drinking a bit more again, I don't know why... I just feel hopeless a lot of the time. I don't know where my life is going or what I'm going to do. I don't feel supported, they tell me I'm childish when I get upset, invalidating my feelings. Just as long as I pretend things are fine... they are... or are they? I'm so confused about how I feel. I just don't know anymore? I don't know who I am. I don't have an identity... I'm just ILL. I am a Borderline Personality with a drink problem. Maybe that's how I should introduce myself... Hi I'm Izzy, don't get too close coz I'm effing mad!
I don't know how to get out of this cycle of self hatred and self harm.
Parents eh!!?! Possibly the most difficult relationship we have. I think people expect their parents to be perfect because they are the 'gods' of their world if you like, but they are just humans like us all, attempting to be happy in life like us all. Everyone messes up.
I can so relate to you feeling like you don't have an identity. You then create an identity of an ill person with bp and a drink problem which is a severely negative identity - but to you it is an identity - you exist, so it's better than no identity.
I hope you can bit by bit get to a place of being sober. Things will then start to show themselves in a different light and hopefully you can start resolving some stuff and start being kinder to yourself. You deserve it.
I can so relate to you feeling like you don't have an identity. You then create an identity of an ill person with bp and a drink problem which is a severely negative identity - but to you it is an identity - you exist, so it's better than no identity.
I hope you can bit by bit get to a place of being sober. Things will then start to show themselves in a different light and hopefully you can start resolving some stuff and start being kinder to yourself. You deserve it.
Izzy ~ So glad to see you posting! I can't remember...have you ever tried young people's AA? You can visit their website, and just check it out...let me know if you want the link...take care of yourself...
Gidday Izzy
So cool to see your post and please keep posting because you need outlets to get your family out of your head and into reality and in this way you can start to see your fears and worries.
When i was drinking i needed the madness and mayhem because it allowed me to feel comfortable and i could drink on it whenever i wanted because it was all good drink fodder.
Addiction did not want me to know who i was because the day i found that out i stopped drinking
If you have to go to a meeting and introduce yourself as Izzy and im F...ing mad then cool it is an identity and it is somewhere to start one day at a time getting better.
The world you are in now is the one that you are comfortable with.
Bipolar and addiction go hand in hand and they feed off each other in regards to wearing you down,
If you can please check out some meetings and give it a good go, it does work if we work at it and maybe your dad is never going to change and it might be up to you to break the cycle.
Keep posting and talking because it really does help to get whats in our heads out into the light
You are worth it and you will help so many people with your experience, strength and hope:)
light and love Zac
So cool to see your post and please keep posting because you need outlets to get your family out of your head and into reality and in this way you can start to see your fears and worries.
When i was drinking i needed the madness and mayhem because it allowed me to feel comfortable and i could drink on it whenever i wanted because it was all good drink fodder.
Addiction did not want me to know who i was because the day i found that out i stopped drinking
If you have to go to a meeting and introduce yourself as Izzy and im F...ing mad then cool it is an identity and it is somewhere to start one day at a time getting better.
The world you are in now is the one that you are comfortable with.
Bipolar and addiction go hand in hand and they feed off each other in regards to wearing you down,
If you can please check out some meetings and give it a good go, it does work if we work at it and maybe your dad is never going to change and it might be up to you to break the cycle.
Keep posting and talking because it really does help to get whats in our heads out into the light
You are worth it and you will help so many people with your experience, strength and hope:)
light and love Zac
If you weren't aware, alcohol is a depressant, among other things. ven the best SSRIs are no match for it, either. In my experience, not all my problems were easily defined as requiring medication. Some were/are directly a result of the consequences of drinking.
"God, grant me the serenity
"To accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
There's nothing in there about making things the way I want them....
"God, grant me the serenity
"To accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."
There's nothing in there about making things the way I want them....
Hi guys,
Thanks for your posts, they really helped me get my head around things.
Things here are fine at the moment, I've cut back on the drinking as it's not doing me any good...
My dad has just asked us to get him a bottle of rum for Christmas and I dread it when he wants hard liquor coz he sometimes abuses it and I hate it when he gets drunk on it. I mean he's not an alcoholic but the way he is he shouldn't be drinking that sort of stuff anyway. He calls it medicinal, but then didn't we all?
I'm determined to have a good Christmas anyway... I just want it to go peacefully and if that means a bottle of rum then so be it.
Hope everyone is well and is not getting too stressed out about the thought of alcohol at Christmas.
Luv, Izzy X
Thanks for your posts, they really helped me get my head around things.
Things here are fine at the moment, I've cut back on the drinking as it's not doing me any good...
My dad has just asked us to get him a bottle of rum for Christmas and I dread it when he wants hard liquor coz he sometimes abuses it and I hate it when he gets drunk on it. I mean he's not an alcoholic but the way he is he shouldn't be drinking that sort of stuff anyway. He calls it medicinal, but then didn't we all?
I'm determined to have a good Christmas anyway... I just want it to go peacefully and if that means a bottle of rum then so be it.
Hope everyone is well and is not getting too stressed out about the thought of alcohol at Christmas.
Luv, Izzy X
Hi Izzy,
Glad to hear you are feeling better about things. It's tough, but as you keep showing, you can come through the crap times.
Shame about the bottle of rum. Couldn't you just get something different instead or would that be a problem?
Glad to hear you are feeling better about things. It's tough, but as you keep showing, you can come through the crap times.
Shame about the bottle of rum. Couldn't you just get something different instead or would that be a problem?
