Just Discovered Boyfriends Addiction

My worst nightmare has just been confirmed. I am engaged to a man who has been lying to me about a methadone addiction.When confronting him last night he admitted everything to me. Said he needs me more now than ever. I waNT TO HELP but dont know how. Please if anyone has any remarks or suggerstions I am very open to them. I am firsat said bye then he begged me to come back and I insisted he get help.
I feel sorry for you. That's bad news. But the good news is there is plenty of help out there. Call your family doctor and ask for a reference where to go (if you don't know of any drug clinics in your area). Keep your head up and encourage him to seek all the help he can get. Good luck to you both.
I can tell you this if you abandon him now he will never confide in you ever again, my girlfriend left me after i told her, she lives down the street now in an apt, she left in the time i was trying to get myself back together(in my darkest days) now she wants to try to work things out, even though she is a lovely person and we still talk i will never get back with her again because i could never tell her anything again without worrying if she would leave me or not, your spouse or boyfriend is supposed to be your best friend, if you can't confide in each other who can you confide in? yea i know it's his fault for his troubles, and he can't blame no one but himself, but if you don't stand by him now then you really had nothing to begin with. Peace and goodluck to you.
I would avoid setting a date for marrying this person until he has been clean and sober (and working a 12 step program) for at least a year. I have seen countless relapses due to addicts rushing ahead with relationships when they should be working hard to learn how to live clean and sober. I wish I could relate to you the heartbreak of the broken marriages and the impact this has on spouses and children alike when people rush forward believing that a committment will fix the addiction. I can assure you, it will not. Addicts need time to work on themselves, to rewire their addictive issues, before they can learn how to function in a relationship.

You might consider finding an al anon or nar anon meeting to learn more about how to deal with an addict in your life. It takes a lot of work to avoid enabling the addict, and more to avoid allowing the addict to pull you down with him.

August
Why is the blame on her? Seems to me like he "abandomed" her first by lying about his addiction. Why is it her fault? If he never trusts "her" again, then who's fault is that? In my eyes its his for not being honest earlier in the relationship, they were engaged and about to get married for God's sake.
Naive, if this is the man you love, then go for it, because there's help, but Glad, how can you turn this around and make it her fault? Just like its not your girlfrien's fault for leaving you. You lied, deceived, what was she suppose to do? You said before you didn't blame her. Lets own up to our addictions and stop playing victim, I know I'm trying to. I like ya Glad, but your kind of a Chovanist.
Briar
Briar and August West Thanks for your encouraging words.. I have to be strong. What really bothers me is he has lied repeatedly until I backed him in a corner and he told me.Its not like he confided in me on his own. I want to help him but also need to know he is being honest with me now. He says he hasnt used anything in several days but how does one stop cold turkey ? I know nothing about this . I want to do the right thing.
briar, i just believe that you should beable to confide in the one you love, now don't get me wrong if you live with someone who keeps putting you into financial ruin, constant abuse, and it keeps happening over and over again then yes it's time to make a drastic move, but i'm just speaking on my situation and everyones situation is different, to many people give up to easy, thats why there are so many divorces in this country, cause when the going gets tough? the tough get going. We all have tough times in our lives, some of it is self inflicted and some things are uncontrollable. I learned alot in my relationship when i confided in my better half, i learned in the future to keep my mouth shut, and if i have to live like that why continue the relationship? thats in her best interest and in mine, but thats just my opinion, i had a mommy when i was a kid, i don't want another one in my adult life, maybe it's a selfish way to think but it's just the way i feel. Peace
Glad,
Your right in alot of ways, (still think your a little chovanistic tho), you have to be honest, and open with the one your with. But we're addicts, we want help, yet when help is offered to us, we tend to ignore it or turn the blame around because we're confused, part of us wants this, part of us wants that, and the other person is at a loss and I can certainly see why.
And part of us wants a mommy too; because we don't always know how to handle things. In relationships, intimate ones, we can be alot of different things to each other, and with addiction especially, I don't think we always know what we want or need, leaving the other one at a loss.
I don't know Glad, you've been clean longer than I have but you sometimes concern me with you gambling, drinking and other things that you have going on with you. I'm sure the end of your relationship was difficult for you and I'll be here to help you, but you shouldn't be doing the other things like drinking and stuff. Because the bottom line, as I see it, is its the same. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. Peace to you too. Love, Briar
Naive, I have spent a lot of time around recovering addicts. Even years after departing from active addiction, quite possibly for the rest of our lives, we struggle to unwire the parts of our brains that have been scrambled from the addictive process. Those who have the guts to go on that journey often become very good, but often flawed people. We have to work at being free from the noose of addictive thinking on a daily basis.

Those in relationships with addicts have to go through a similar process of learning about the disease of addiction and how it can detrimentally impact a healthy relationship. They are the yin to the yang of addiction and their thinking can get pretty messed up too if they do not learn to identify the hot spots.

This man has lied to you and essentially fessed up only when cornered. That is not honesty, and it denotes no true willingness to change his behavior. You need to understand that if you stay with this man while he is in his current state of mind, it will slowly erode your self esteem. Your relationship will not be a healthy one. How could it be when his primary relationship, his best friend, his lover, his mistriss, his God, is a drug? Frankly, the subtopic on this thread is a perfect example of this. She left him because he lied about his drug use and he sincerely believes that she is the one to blame. If she goes back to him, she runs the risk of actually believing his point of view. That is a perfect example of addictive thinking.

Given his past history of honesty with you, I would sincerely doubt that he is being up front with you (and perhaps with himself) regarding his level and frequency of drug use. You are right that if he were to stop completely he would be in the throes of withdrawal. His dishonesty suggests little or no true desire to quit and even less to change his way of thinking.

You can learn more about how those in relationships cope with addicts (both recovering and non recovering) by attending al alon or nar anon.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I feel a need to tell you exactly what my take is on this issue, and not to sugar coat it. Read some of the posts on here and you will see that you are not the first to come here with exactly this issue. His bad behaviour is what has created this problem. It is up to him to begin the hard work to change and until he does, there is very little that you can do to change him.

Good luck.

August