You know what folks.....I don't know what happened, but I am happy as hell it did. I have been an addict in denial my whole life...thinking I can control it until it always slips out of control. I always made lots of money...so I thought...I cant be a pathetic addict if I am doing so well. WRONG!
But what I got to tell you is really crazy. I was drinking about have a 750ml bottle of Gran Marnier every day and following it up with about 10-12 beers or more......combined with about 12-15 10/325mg Vicodin....Online ordering of course. Fed-ex...next day...only $285 dollars...whoopeeeeeee.....wait for the truck and pray it arrives after checking the tracking number 15 times because I was on my last ration of pills until my new load got in.
Did this for many years.....before that it was all kinds of other drugs, from injectibles, steroids, numorphan, nubain, and crack, coke, weed...etc...you get the point. But I had it narrowed down to just Vicodin/Alcohol for the last 5 years or so. And just recently I received some Vicodin that didn't look like the normal yellow Norcos. They were white oblong, scored and had M363 on them. I checked it out and supposedly it was hydrocodone from some European pharma. Well.....I took 2 as soon as I got them to get my groove started but it was different. I felt very weak and tired....dreary...out of it bad....and I laid down and went to sleep. I awoke hours later and felt strange....I started rinking and popped 2 more.....same thing.....felt horrible...weak...sick....tired as hell and slept for 12 hours.
I awoke and knew something was wrong.....but of course I was starting to experience withdrawals pretty strong, so I popped another one and it seemd to help the withdrawals a little. I took only 2 more out of the bottle and really couldn't stand it. The withdrawals seemed easier to deal with than those F'ing pills. I believe someone formulated them and sold them as the real deal...I dont know what was in them...but they were magic to me...because I have been clean and sober now for going on 2 weeks. I have absolutley NO DESIRE whatsoever to drink or take pills.....and every time I even look at the bottle of that crap I get sick thinking about it. So maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
I am starting to feel normal again....but still pretty weak at times. I will NEVER...and I MEAN NEVER go through that bullcrap again...EVER.....it sucks so bad to waste each day away during withdrawals wishing you could throw up or die or just make time go bye fast. But man it feels awesome to start pulling away from that. I will start chatting with you guys now for support.
Mike
Welcome Mike,
Strange story alright. A "normal" person would not have taken the strange looking pills. We addicts are a determined bunch aren't we?
I doctor shopped for my pills. I convinced myself that I needed them for my cronic pain. I got caught doctor shopping. Getting caught didn't stop me. I called "hot lines" to find out if there was a way I could continue taking pills for my condition. The people that answer those phones are a special breed. Not one person said "YOUR AN ADDICT YOU IDIOT", insted they aimed me towards people and places and I found recovery.
It doesn't matter how anyone gets pill free, the pill free is the important part.
I am so happy for you.
Catherine
Strange story alright. A "normal" person would not have taken the strange looking pills. We addicts are a determined bunch aren't we?
I doctor shopped for my pills. I convinced myself that I needed them for my cronic pain. I got caught doctor shopping. Getting caught didn't stop me. I called "hot lines" to find out if there was a way I could continue taking pills for my condition. The people that answer those phones are a special breed. Not one person said "YOUR AN ADDICT YOU IDIOT", insted they aimed me towards people and places and I found recovery.
It doesn't matter how anyone gets pill free, the pill free is the important part.
I am so happy for you.
Catherine
Thanks Catherine.....and I did check the pills when I got them I went online to a pill identifier site and sure enough they came back as the exact same pill of hydrocodone 10/500 instead of 10/325's and were made by a foreign pharmaceutical company. That had me relaxed...but I think that somebody used a pill press to make bogus forms of this supposed European hydrocodoe pill...and instead put in Lithium or something awful that kind of resembled hydro.
In any case...you are so right...pills are pathetic...and they own every second of your life after they get you. I honestly feel free for the first time in years. And since I was pumping up the hydro with the alcohol...no need to keep drinking that crap. i figure my addiciton alone was costing me around 1400 a month....so that is a big bonus too!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks
In any case...you are so right...pills are pathetic...and they own every second of your life after they get you. I honestly feel free for the first time in years. And since I was pumping up the hydro with the alcohol...no need to keep drinking that crap. i figure my addiciton alone was costing me around 1400 a month....so that is a big bonus too!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks
Hey Mike, so glad you have a miracle in your life. God works in mysterious ways and this evidently was your blessing. People here on this board are great and will help you along the way. I am not an addict , but the mother of one....so If you need to talk , I am here.
Love, Cherie
Love, Cherie
Welcome Mike. Congradulations on your 2 weeks clean. That is kinda scary that you took some pills and they weren't vicoden. Good thing it didn't make you land in the hospital. I think it is great that you quit drinking too. Keep up the good work.
Stephanie
Stephanie
Welcome to the board Mike and thanks for sharing your story.
Ok, you got a couple of weeks under your belt, so, now what? Any thoughts or ideas on how you're gonna stay clean? Throw out that bottle for starters. What we addicts don't need is temptations. Make sure you cut off all your sources, cancel the online stuff and the credit card you use to pay for it. Don't leave yourself any loopholes to relapse with.
Then find yourself a recovery related FACE TO FACE group such as NA/AA or counseling and find out what you need to do to stay clean for the rest of your life.
You just got through the easy part. Now you'll need to hang on to your butt, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Really glad you're here...
Cowgirl
Ok, you got a couple of weeks under your belt, so, now what? Any thoughts or ideas on how you're gonna stay clean? Throw out that bottle for starters. What we addicts don't need is temptations. Make sure you cut off all your sources, cancel the online stuff and the credit card you use to pay for it. Don't leave yourself any loopholes to relapse with.
Then find yourself a recovery related FACE TO FACE group such as NA/AA or counseling and find out what you need to do to stay clean for the rest of your life.
You just got through the easy part. Now you'll need to hang on to your butt, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Really glad you're here...
Cowgirl
Mike,
Saving money is a nice little perk isn't it? I remember getting my bank statement after being "clean" for 30 days. I made myself sick looking at the money I spent on doctor visits and pharmacy's in just one month.
I love the way everything smells now and the sky is so blue. That sounds so lame but I stopped careing about anything and didn't know it.
Catherine
Saving money is a nice little perk isn't it? I remember getting my bank statement after being "clean" for 30 days. I made myself sick looking at the money I spent on doctor visits and pharmacy's in just one month.
I love the way everything smells now and the sky is so blue. That sounds so lame but I stopped careing about anything and didn't know it.
Catherine
Mike:
Good for you! Two weeks is an awesome accomplishment!
In my case...my opinion, I NEVER say NEVER. I realize my little monkey might want to jump immediately and without warning on my back. I definitely do not desire to ever go back, but slips and relapses happen...so how I fix it in my brain, is to say to myself: "I will not use today"...and to affirm that if I do not use today, then I definitely have a shot at a clean tomorrow. I really want that clean tomorrow.
Pills stopped working for me too. In the end, hydrocodone was no longer giving me that "buzz"...I was just taking them so I wouldn't get sick, and I was exhausted ALL the time.
I got clean to honor my father, who had just passed...but along the way of honoring him, I realized just how bad opiates had replaced really beautiful things in my life. I robbed myself of so much by using...thinking I was "energizing" myself...I was killing my spirit.
Addiction is a strange thing...the way the mind gets involved, and physically what opiates do to our brains. Educate yourself, knowledge is power. Make a plan for staying sober and clean...what type of support do you plan on getting?
This forum is always here for you...whatever comes, someone here has dealt with it. Keep posting and sharing...
Congratulations again...
Sarah
Good for you! Two weeks is an awesome accomplishment!
In my case...my opinion, I NEVER say NEVER. I realize my little monkey might want to jump immediately and without warning on my back. I definitely do not desire to ever go back, but slips and relapses happen...so how I fix it in my brain, is to say to myself: "I will not use today"...and to affirm that if I do not use today, then I definitely have a shot at a clean tomorrow. I really want that clean tomorrow.
Pills stopped working for me too. In the end, hydrocodone was no longer giving me that "buzz"...I was just taking them so I wouldn't get sick, and I was exhausted ALL the time.
I got clean to honor my father, who had just passed...but along the way of honoring him, I realized just how bad opiates had replaced really beautiful things in my life. I robbed myself of so much by using...thinking I was "energizing" myself...I was killing my spirit.
Addiction is a strange thing...the way the mind gets involved, and physically what opiates do to our brains. Educate yourself, knowledge is power. Make a plan for staying sober and clean...what type of support do you plan on getting?
This forum is always here for you...whatever comes, someone here has dealt with it. Keep posting and sharing...
Congratulations again...
Sarah
sarah..i love to read your post...........
your so wise.........i appreciate you...........
(((((((((((((((((((((((((mike))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hello, welcome to the board................so glad to have you here........
please keep comming back and posting with us here............
i pray to God that you never pick up a pill agian..........
welcome to recovery............freedom from bondage......
addiction is a disease and there must be things , tools that you use to stay pill free...........my # 1 tool is the LORD....and prayer
for me is comming here and i have a husband that likes to talk for hours and hours about AA, the steps and recovery.............which really helps me to stay focused.........
he has been going to AA for 16 years.....
i dont go to meetings.....but i have other things that help me to remain faithful to my recovery..............
he can resite every step by heart...........truely amazing , truely a blessing for me...........
so do you have a NA or AA book.............it came in very handy for me...
the stories in there are very insirational and you will really enjoy it....
do you think about going to meetings? would you consider that?
.God bless you............
thumper
your so wise.........i appreciate you...........
(((((((((((((((((((((((((mike))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hello, welcome to the board................so glad to have you here........
please keep comming back and posting with us here............
i pray to God that you never pick up a pill agian..........
welcome to recovery............freedom from bondage......
addiction is a disease and there must be things , tools that you use to stay pill free...........my # 1 tool is the LORD....and prayer
for me is comming here and i have a husband that likes to talk for hours and hours about AA, the steps and recovery.............which really helps me to stay focused.........
he has been going to AA for 16 years.....
i dont go to meetings.....but i have other things that help me to remain faithful to my recovery..............
he can resite every step by heart...........truely amazing , truely a blessing for me...........
so do you have a NA or AA book.............it came in very handy for me...
the stories in there are very insirational and you will really enjoy it....
do you think about going to meetings? would you consider that?
.God bless you............
thumper
Hey Mike.....Welcome
You quote-I am starting to feel normal again....but still pretty weak at times. I will NEVER...and I MEAN NEVER go through that bullcrap again...EVER
Unfortunately you will never be normal.From your brief history you definitely sound like an addict.Once our brains have crossed that line,they are forever altered.I can't even tell you how many times I said NEVER,NEVER again.I would get clean,start feeling good,go back to my life with a new resolve,start making money again and then a situation would come up and my addict brain would always say"Things will be different this time.One pill won't hurt".."One little cocktail is no big deal"......"I'm just going to do a little blow this one night and then stop".
The litany of rationalizations just keep coming.
Bottom line.Our thinking is distorted.It started before we even got out of control.Our incessant need for mind altering chemicals is a smokescreen for much deeper issues.Drugs were only a symptom.
You have to go through a physical,emotional and spiritual change to start finding relief from addiction.You can't do that strictly from a BB.
Lisa's suggestion-Then find yourself a recovery related FACE TO FACE group such as NA/AA or counseling and find out what you need to do to stay clean for the rest of your life.
That's the long term solution.
I understand it's not a popular solution here because it does require a little more work but it's lasting.
If you are interested,I can give you some numbers.
Good Luck
You quote-I am starting to feel normal again....but still pretty weak at times. I will NEVER...and I MEAN NEVER go through that bullcrap again...EVER
Unfortunately you will never be normal.From your brief history you definitely sound like an addict.Once our brains have crossed that line,they are forever altered.I can't even tell you how many times I said NEVER,NEVER again.I would get clean,start feeling good,go back to my life with a new resolve,start making money again and then a situation would come up and my addict brain would always say"Things will be different this time.One pill won't hurt".."One little cocktail is no big deal"......"I'm just going to do a little blow this one night and then stop".
The litany of rationalizations just keep coming.
Bottom line.Our thinking is distorted.It started before we even got out of control.Our incessant need for mind altering chemicals is a smokescreen for much deeper issues.Drugs were only a symptom.
You have to go through a physical,emotional and spiritual change to start finding relief from addiction.You can't do that strictly from a BB.
Lisa's suggestion-Then find yourself a recovery related FACE TO FACE group such as NA/AA or counseling and find out what you need to do to stay clean for the rest of your life.
That's the long term solution.
I understand it's not a popular solution here because it does require a little more work but it's lasting.
If you are interested,I can give you some numbers.
Good Luck
Catherine, It's funny you wrote that about the sky being blue and how everything smells now. I wrote almost the same thing on the just jodi thread. I love going outside and smelling the fresh air and looking up at the moon or just the changing colors of the leaves on the trees. It's like all the years I was taking pills I didn't notice any of those things now I appreciate everything. Shantel
Gm Mike, welcome to our little family here. You came to the right place. Congrats on 2 weeks.
Heath
Heath
Mike,
Good on you mate. It's really wonderful not having to chase pills and feel sick ALL the time. Two weeks is fantastic. Keep posting and get some face to face stuff happening. I tell ya, it's a full time job staying sober. Especially in the beginning.
You'll gets lots of support here, Welcome
Wendy
Good on you mate. It's really wonderful not having to chase pills and feel sick ALL the time. Two weeks is fantastic. Keep posting and get some face to face stuff happening. I tell ya, it's a full time job staying sober. Especially in the beginning.
You'll gets lots of support here, Welcome
Wendy
You guys are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! I agree with everything everyone has been saying....I definitely tried quitting many times before and when I felt I had it under 'control" because I was 10-12 days clean...I said...Man that wasn't so bad...at least I know that I can quit anytime I want to.....Right!
I am an atheist, so I don't think that strength comes from any external spiritual forces....I do believe however that we are all nothing but human skin-bags carrying around many thousands of years of genetic code through transference. I have alcoholics throughout my Dad's side..."Peace be with him...he just passed in March"......and my sweet baby brother whom I loved like a father would committed sucicide the day after. He was also recently diagnosed Bi-polar and a life long addict...because of the need to slef medicate with the disease.
My oldest brother died 3 years ago from cirrhosis from sharing dirty needles way back in the 60's when Heroin first got real hot in the USA. He paid the price with Hepatitis C after many years of staying in a complete methadone stupor. I dont know how those private clinics can keep people on that stuff for 30 years....and he was taking 200mg a day.!
My second oldest brother shot himself in the head 28 years ago.....he was a drug abuser and alcoholic.
I can go on and on.....my aunt killed herself....my cousin jumped off the Ambassador bridge and killed himself.....a very self abusive past history of genetics. Most of them probably were severe Bi-polars....as my father was also diagnosed with it just a few months before he passed. I live with a severe bi-polar woman...and we have 2 kids together. I worry so desperately about their future....so I have plenty of motivation to stay clean...however I am not naive enough to believe that I am anywhere near cured or truly normal. I remember a good friend of mine who is still a recovering addict and alcoholic telling me...."Mike, the first 30 days arent nearly as bad as right after that....because as soon as you truly feel well and "normal" again is when the disease creeps back into your brain and calls you back".....Thank you for all the support!
Mike
I am an atheist, so I don't think that strength comes from any external spiritual forces....I do believe however that we are all nothing but human skin-bags carrying around many thousands of years of genetic code through transference. I have alcoholics throughout my Dad's side..."Peace be with him...he just passed in March"......and my sweet baby brother whom I loved like a father would committed sucicide the day after. He was also recently diagnosed Bi-polar and a life long addict...because of the need to slef medicate with the disease.
My oldest brother died 3 years ago from cirrhosis from sharing dirty needles way back in the 60's when Heroin first got real hot in the USA. He paid the price with Hepatitis C after many years of staying in a complete methadone stupor. I dont know how those private clinics can keep people on that stuff for 30 years....and he was taking 200mg a day.!
My second oldest brother shot himself in the head 28 years ago.....he was a drug abuser and alcoholic.
I can go on and on.....my aunt killed herself....my cousin jumped off the Ambassador bridge and killed himself.....a very self abusive past history of genetics. Most of them probably were severe Bi-polars....as my father was also diagnosed with it just a few months before he passed. I live with a severe bi-polar woman...and we have 2 kids together. I worry so desperately about their future....so I have plenty of motivation to stay clean...however I am not naive enough to believe that I am anywhere near cured or truly normal. I remember a good friend of mine who is still a recovering addict and alcoholic telling me...."Mike, the first 30 days arent nearly as bad as right after that....because as soon as you truly feel well and "normal" again is when the disease creeps back into your brain and calls you back".....Thank you for all the support!
Mike
Mike...you don't have to continue that family circle of death. You have an opportunity to get clean and live a very happy life. I hope that you're getting some counseling at least. And you don't have to be a Christian or believe in God to be part of NA or AA. You just need to believe that there is a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity.
Have a great weekend.
Cowgirl
Have a great weekend.
Cowgirl
Hello Mike,
Just thought I would wish you a happy Friday evening. Thank you for sharing your story of your family.
You sound like you are going to make it to 30 years clean plus this time.
I have addended a few AA/NA meeetings and not one has been a bunch of "bible thumpers". The support is the reason everyone is there. You may want to go and check out a couple of meetings just because.
Welcome to the No Pill Friday Night Club.
Catherine
Just thought I would wish you a happy Friday evening. Thank you for sharing your story of your family.
You sound like you are going to make it to 30 years clean plus this time.
I have addended a few AA/NA meeetings and not one has been a bunch of "bible thumpers". The support is the reason everyone is there. You may want to go and check out a couple of meetings just because.
Welcome to the No Pill Friday Night Club.
Catherine
I like that "No Pill Friday Night Club!"
Mike-Listen to your friend.There is a reason he is still clean and sober.
Even if you do manage to stay dry on your own without changing anything,it's a pretty lonely existence.
Good Luck
Even if you do manage to stay dry on your own without changing anything,it's a pretty lonely existence.
Good Luck
