Hi all, I'm new to this site. My 24 year old son has been struggling with addiction for 3 years at least. He is currently in a halfway house in another state and I don't know if he's using or not. I suspect it do to his angry blaming outbursts on the phone recently. I have struggled with maintaining boundaries, and in the past have enabled him too much. Boundaries are easy when he's in jail, or treatment or I know he's using. But now since I'm uncertain I don't know what to do . I have been manipulated a lot, and I don't trust. My family members keep encouraging me to talk and support him whenever he calls. But after talking with him I feel like an emotional punching bag. I feel horrible when I say I just don't even want to talk to him. Especially if he is clean. However I don't think that helping him process anger or listening to his blame helps him at all! Any advice?
Lalu,
Guilt is the worst & it doesn't help anyone, let alone you. Your son has to take the lead. If there are others in your family willing to lend an ear, suggest he call them. Everyone is all too willing to make suggestions until they're on the receiving end. Your mother's heart will weigh you down until you feel stronger.
I was supposed to see my 20 yr old daughter today (2 yrs opiates, 2+ months heroin). She never showed up, called, no text, no email. Finally my husband texted her & she said that she still wasn't out of bed (at 1) & was "puking all night". I have my doubts. Anyone on here knows by now from my posts, that my daughter is a chronic, habitual liar.
Luckily my husband & I didn't wait around longer than an hour. We went out & enjoyed the day ending it with lunch. No more waiting around~!
As for guilt. Uh_ah!! I was relieved! Haven't seen her in over 2 weeks, but I'm feeling much lighter these days. I do think of her, cry over her, etc...but the only one suffering was me. She's fine and as happy as can be with living with her boyfriend, no rules or responsibilities, no school, no work. I seriously doubt she's sick unless she's withdrawing again.
Stay strong. You are so very welcome here & I hope you keep posting. The people here make all the difference & it truly will make you feel better.
Love & God bless,
Dee
Guilt is the worst & it doesn't help anyone, let alone you. Your son has to take the lead. If there are others in your family willing to lend an ear, suggest he call them. Everyone is all too willing to make suggestions until they're on the receiving end. Your mother's heart will weigh you down until you feel stronger.
I was supposed to see my 20 yr old daughter today (2 yrs opiates, 2+ months heroin). She never showed up, called, no text, no email. Finally my husband texted her & she said that she still wasn't out of bed (at 1) & was "puking all night". I have my doubts. Anyone on here knows by now from my posts, that my daughter is a chronic, habitual liar.
Luckily my husband & I didn't wait around longer than an hour. We went out & enjoyed the day ending it with lunch. No more waiting around~!
As for guilt. Uh_ah!! I was relieved! Haven't seen her in over 2 weeks, but I'm feeling much lighter these days. I do think of her, cry over her, etc...but the only one suffering was me. She's fine and as happy as can be with living with her boyfriend, no rules or responsibilities, no school, no work. I seriously doubt she's sick unless she's withdrawing again.
Stay strong. You are so very welcome here & I hope you keep posting. The people here make all the difference & it truly will make you feel better.
Love & God bless,
Dee
Advice: pull back and keep the distance. when your gut is telling you something, listen. hope that you are wrong, and let time tell you the truth.
I am in similar situation w son. since 1st of year, detox, then rehab, then hwhouse, now renting room. Not in same state. has job. not making a lot. but having difficulty saving for rent and eating. I was thinking he was doing ok, but over the past week have been having doubts.
I have decided I have to cut back communication, which was only once a week. all I hear from him is "this isnt working, not enough money, I'm hungry"
It just doesnt feel normal.
before we found out about the pill addiction and the last two years of rehabs and recovery, he had been working full time for 4 years. never had enough money, never went to supermarket or cooked. I cant wrap my head around it. how does one have such a hard time with the two basics of paying rent and eating.
There's responsible things I want him to do, he is agreeable, but does not follow through. I feel like he agrees in order to gain my trust. so he can later ask for $$ when he is short on rent or food. which we have not given, and he hasnt asked, he just hints around. I am getting nervous bc I feel like he is going to ask, bc he hinted that he is behind in rent. I feel like running for the hills and not answering the phone.
I have to let his actions to the talking. My next step is to not take No for an answer. I am going to tell him if he wants help with buying something, he has to do the things I want him to do first.
I think one of our mistakes has been to give the reward first and then the kid does not follow through.
It is just so sad to picture him sitting in his rented room with nothing but his phone.
But it is his situation and his choice to save $ for rent or food. How does a person not be able to do that week after week?
He always acts like, he didnt know, it was a surprise, no one told him, he's the victim.
It is sad to think we gave so much when the kid was growing up, and now he is so dumb.
I feel sad for him and sad that he is so isolated and lonely.
but when I look at the cell phone usage, there is no shortage of calls and texts being made.
I am in similar situation w son. since 1st of year, detox, then rehab, then hwhouse, now renting room. Not in same state. has job. not making a lot. but having difficulty saving for rent and eating. I was thinking he was doing ok, but over the past week have been having doubts.
I have decided I have to cut back communication, which was only once a week. all I hear from him is "this isnt working, not enough money, I'm hungry"
It just doesnt feel normal.
before we found out about the pill addiction and the last two years of rehabs and recovery, he had been working full time for 4 years. never had enough money, never went to supermarket or cooked. I cant wrap my head around it. how does one have such a hard time with the two basics of paying rent and eating.
There's responsible things I want him to do, he is agreeable, but does not follow through. I feel like he agrees in order to gain my trust. so he can later ask for $$ when he is short on rent or food. which we have not given, and he hasnt asked, he just hints around. I am getting nervous bc I feel like he is going to ask, bc he hinted that he is behind in rent. I feel like running for the hills and not answering the phone.
I have to let his actions to the talking. My next step is to not take No for an answer. I am going to tell him if he wants help with buying something, he has to do the things I want him to do first.
I think one of our mistakes has been to give the reward first and then the kid does not follow through.
It is just so sad to picture him sitting in his rented room with nothing but his phone.
But it is his situation and his choice to save $ for rent or food. How does a person not be able to do that week after week?
He always acts like, he didnt know, it was a surprise, no one told him, he's the victim.
It is sad to think we gave so much when the kid was growing up, and now he is so dumb.
I feel sad for him and sad that he is so isolated and lonely.
but when I look at the cell phone usage, there is no shortage of calls and texts being made.
maybe honest with. If he starts to upset you, let him know you can't speak to him if he is going to treat you that way. You matter too.
It is a good time for you to think about yourself. He should be able to take care of himself. If he needs something tell him to talk to the staff at the hwhouse, his therapist.
get yourself out from under his thumb. start picturing your own life. set boundries.... such as not giving $$ or only give very little only on your terms.
make him do something for rewards.
just some things I wish I had done sooner. and will try to impose the the opportunity arises.
get yourself out from under his thumb. start picturing your own life. set boundries.... such as not giving $$ or only give very little only on your terms.
make him do something for rewards.
just some things I wish I had done sooner. and will try to impose the the opportunity arises.
Thank you all. The struggle to "be there" for his calls and also protect myself continues. Managed a long weekend away and received a call before we even got home; "life's s***ty, not worth living, never going to make it, etc..." Well thank goodness, nature was calling so I told him: "we are just pulling up and I cant talk now, call me tomorrow". He just hung up. It made me realize he had no interest in talking to ME just someone that would listen to the bs he tells himself!!!!
You do not need to feel any guilt at all for wanting and keeping boundaries. I think all of us moms on here have played the part of an emotional punching bag at some point. My son is not currently clean or in treatment. I will talk to him but he knows that the minute he starts being verbally abusive, I will hang up and not answer again. I agree, trust your gut and just let him know how you feel and that if your conversations can't be mutually respectful, then they won't happen. Hugs to you.
Michelle
Michelle
