My daughter is 24. She has been using drugs on and off for 10 years. She has been to Inpatient treatment 3 times, lots of outpatient treatment, jail multiple times, and has been on methadone for the past 1 1/2 years.
I had kicked her out when she was 18 for violence and stealing from us. She went to treatment and then immediately back to using, was homeless and had a boyfriend who introduced her to meth. At one point I rescued her from the streets by renting her an apt. She and her boyfriend stayed there and turned it into druggie central. she was evicted in 3 months for noise, violence, police calls, damage and general disruption. My husband, mother and I cleaned out the apt and it was totally trashed and full of junk so we couldn't see the floor. I lost my damage deposit, lots of time and energy. I was angry and devastated that she could take such a huge gift and ruin it so quickly. She was unfazed by this and went obliviously back to living on the street. She lived in a tent in my mother's yard for a while with her boyfriend. She lost that because she ripped open the side of the tent with a knife while fighting with her boyfriend while they were high on meth. She is bipolar and never took her meds regularly, constantly lost her belongings and life was one crisis after another. She got herself another boyfriend later and they started shooting heroin together. She got in trouble for 2 felonies and did some jail time. My mother, husband and I supported her through her incarceration. My husband and I allowed her to come back to live with us 1 1/2 yrs ago. She went to court-ordered OP treatment, probation, UA's and methadone daily with our help driving, and free food, clothing and shelter. Her then boyfriend got out of jail a month after she did and moved in. They got married. He got a job and was responsible, all was beautiful. Until 11 months ago. He started occasionally using heroin, OD'd in the bedroom, then my daughter slipped a few times with him and got a few dirty UAs, spent a few days in jail here and there. My son-in-law continued to use heroin intermittently, and my husband and I knew. But we did nothing about it. Then he got on methadone too, and things seemed to get better, briefly. Somehow my daughter completed her probation and community service hours, and her future seemed bright...But 9 days later her husband took her to a coworker's party and they were offered meth. She told me she hesitated for 30 minutes, then used it. The very next morning she was caught shoplifting, but evidence was weak so no charges have been filed yet. Their meth use has escalated over the past 6 weeks, and my son-in-law lost his job due to no shows when high. They began to disappear for days at a time, came back home after disasters happened out there- lost cell phones, lost ID, stolen car, an abscess, horrible encounters with nasty people. Lots of remorse, promises, tears, apologies. They retrieved the stolen car with my mother's help, and used it to disappear again and again. Finally we got fed up and had a meeting with them to warn them about losing their place here due to drugs. Yet they used again. We locked them out of the house and when they came back let them get some of their belongings, and now they are living in their car. My daughter is miserable and blames me for making her homeless. She cries and is so very angry. She denies that drugs are the problem. I recommended her to go to inpatient treatment but she refused, wants only to be with her husband who does not want to get clean. I shudder to think of her sleeping in the car, not comfy and cozy in her own bedroom upstairs. No shower, no kitchen, no food, no space to live in, no income. No safety. Just hubby and drugs paid for how????? I dunno. It seems unbearable to me. (I am tormented by thoughts that I made the decision to evict. I caused the homelessness. I did it. What a terrible feeling!)
I have an intellectual understanding that the situation was untenable and getting worse, and that giving them free comfy shelter was not helping them live drug free. Yet I am constantly battling guilt and remorse for making this harsh decision. I have such a strong urge to take my baby back in and coddle her once again, to soothe her, reassure her, and relieve my own guilt. I want my sober, sweet, beautiful, funny, tenderhearted daughter back! She whom I got to enjoy for a priceless beautiful year. We are so close and it was a joy to relate to her when she was clean. I miss her so badly. I feel intense grief and loss. That person is apparently gone after only 6 weeks on meth! Such a battle rages within me. The addiction has to be addressed before anything will change. It seems she is only motivated by the legal system. Perhaps the Dept of Corrections will be seeing her again soon??? In a way that would be a relief- she took her meds daily and got healthy, and moods were well regulated in jail last time.
I have a 20 year old son who is living with us while he is in college and working, a very responsible young man who does not want or deserve to live with active drug addicts. He and my husband are the voices of reason when I feel ready to give in and let her back in.
Questions in my own mind: How long do I have to keep carrying her on my back? Do I really have to? Have I been caring for her out of compassion or my own selfish emotional needs? I am mad about the amount of time, emotion, energy and money it has drained from us all to end up here- I feel used and betrayed, and foolish for believing. Also guilty for sweeping my son-in-law's using under the rug for the past 11 months. Yech. Thanks for listening.
It is understandable that you are carrying anxiety as a result of another person's addiction - this is one of the definitions of codependency. I suspect your everyday moods - up, down, and sideways - are dependent upon how the addict is doing. If a short period of sobriety is achieved, you are breathing a sigh of relief. When addicts do what addicts do (lie, cheat, steal), you are beside yourself with worry and hurt feelings.
This is why a good family support program is a good idea for you. Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. There should be a meeting near you. If you are a faith-based person, then many churches offer family programs. I predict you will be amazed at how much this will help you.
Beside helping yourself, these programs have another benefit. In order to be of much help to your addicted loved one, you need to be as healthy as possible. Learn about codepdency. Learn about enabling. Learn about the disease of addiction. Enabling has the terrible effect of deflecting consequences from the addict (where they belong) to the codepedent. When the addict bears the full-brunt of their actions, then the odds of them choosing recovery increase.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
This is why a good family support program is a good idea for you. Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. There should be a meeting near you. If you are a faith-based person, then many churches offer family programs. I predict you will be amazed at how much this will help you.
Beside helping yourself, these programs have another benefit. In order to be of much help to your addicted loved one, you need to be as healthy as possible. Learn about codepdency. Learn about enabling. Learn about the disease of addiction. Enabling has the terrible effect of deflecting consequences from the addict (where they belong) to the codepedent. When the addict bears the full-brunt of their actions, then the odds of them choosing recovery increase.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Wow. I feel for you. My son is almost 18 and I fear that his father and I are headed down the same path. I went and had a reiki massage once, and one thing that the masseuse explained to me was that my son was a separate person to myself. I have the right to be happy, despite my son's circumstance. It kind of helped with the torment a bit.
Cyntha 88
Cyntha 88
I was a child of an addict, everything from alcohol, benzodiazepines, and opiates. I too became an addict later down the road, not to blame my mother it was my own fault but now I'm fighting the good fight of sobriety. My mother lived with me as I became an adult and managed to screw things up always, it was like everyte things were looking up for her she went back to feeling sorry for her self that she had to live and work like every other human being and went back to using and that hindered my recovery. I love her dearly but I kicked her out, she too lived in her car until another family member let her stay with them but it didn't last long. She got a wonderful job but got on benzodiazepines while working and got fired for being high on her job, she even had he own apartment and ended spending that Christmas alone bc me And my brothers wouldn't go around her. It broke my heart to again see her evicted but she had to learn that nothing is free in your life. She's now doing a whole lot better, clean with a place and a job. Your daughter will be ok, this is her choice. I know your worried sick, but what else can you do? Let her use in your house? No addict likes being an addict and eventually she will be so tired of chasing that next s***ty day and will come back. She needs recources for dr and treatment facilities and your love but she doesn't need to be under your roof. She will hopeful straighten up. She will mad at you, being an addict means you're angry at the world and your self. Help her help her self!
Thanks to all who have shared your stories on this board. I feel relief knowing I am not the only one dealing with the destruction caused by drug addiction in a loved one. I have been reminded about my codependency, enabling and the predictable effects of addiction on all of us in the family. I have been suffering from guilt, anxiety and fear about my addicted daughter and her husband. Struggling with my faith in God to be in charge of the outcomes. Still learning and processing all of this.
Bless you, in reading your story I could just replace my son who is now 29 instead of your daughter. I know how you feel, I still picture my son in his ninja turtle pajamas instead of the severe drug addict he too has become. I too rented him an apt after he did prison time for drugs, gave him a paid for car and he actually did well in a job program for addicts for HVAC as a career and got on a methadone program. Things were ok for about 6 mos and I thought God maybe the hell is over. Well, he too started back on crack, meth and heroin and turned the beautiful apt into a drug den. He lost all the furniture, belongings and basically did tons of damage. He then nodded off at the wheel of the car, rolled it 7 times and thank God he was not killed. The car is gone now too. He moved in with a girlfriend who is an addict and neither one has a way of making money , he calls crying he is hungry but if I send cash it all goes to drugs. I too live an emotional nightmare because as mothers we want to save them. I believe your decision is a really healthy good one. She has to realize that if she chooses drugs, she has to pay the consequences. My son finally checked himself into rehab last week but is still calling demanding I send his girlfriend money and refusing to go to sober living but wants me to pay his rent at his girlfriends who is using and refusing to get sober. He got caught with 6 Xanax pills and is facing another felony drug charge which may result in prison time again. He is my only child and my heart is broken by all the chances he has had, how his life could have been, my anxiety has caused my marriage so many problems as he is not his biological father and gets insane when I try to help him. Don't give in. Things will not change unless you make big changes which I know are painful. If you need to talk we all know your pain so we are here for you. God Bless, Angela
It is so easy to think of our children as the sweet babies they were, the innocent years, the cherished times. We want to cling to the hope that the lost person they were is still in there and will one day triumph over the drug-addicted person they are now. They tell us their drug use is not who they are but it IS. Anything that has control over you is what defines you. Our children have control over us--emotionally. And when they are a wreck, so are we. Somehow we tell ourselves that to be "harsh" is to stop loving them. Like we have to make a choice between loving them and doing what is best for them. There is a thin line between love and enabling. We don't mean to enable, we just want to help, to love, to offer hope and a guiding light, a chance...
I, for one, have not had the guts to kick my kid out. He is 19 and has never been independent in the least and has no place to go. He is "clean" now but not by choice. It is because all his sources have turned their backs on him and he has no transportation.
It's not just my kid's resent I would be dealing with, or the very real fear I would lose him to suicide or overdose, but there is family...his bio-dad and others, who would blame me for anything that happened and tell me I am selfish if I do anything but support him. Mothers are not allowed to turn their kids away. But, they do not live the love-enabling balance like I do. They do not live with him at all, see what I see, deal with what I deal with, and yet they judge. I wouldn't care but, unfortunately, their judgement has very real consequences and if I do something they perceive as "wrong" they are quick to make my life miserable. I can't win. And if I give my son an ultimatum, then I am forcing him into treatment against his will, which does no good.
I, for one, have not had the guts to kick my kid out. He is 19 and has never been independent in the least and has no place to go. He is "clean" now but not by choice. It is because all his sources have turned their backs on him and he has no transportation.
It's not just my kid's resent I would be dealing with, or the very real fear I would lose him to suicide or overdose, but there is family...his bio-dad and others, who would blame me for anything that happened and tell me I am selfish if I do anything but support him. Mothers are not allowed to turn their kids away. But, they do not live the love-enabling balance like I do. They do not live with him at all, see what I see, deal with what I deal with, and yet they judge. I wouldn't care but, unfortunately, their judgement has very real consequences and if I do something they perceive as "wrong" they are quick to make my life miserable. I can't win. And if I give my son an ultimatum, then I am forcing him into treatment against his will, which does no good.
About a week ago my daughter called saying that her husband had been arrested for retail theft. My husband and i went to get her and brought her home. She was home for one day when her husband was released from jail with no charges filed. My daughter begged to let them have another chance at living with us. She sobbed and begged, and promised she'd do anything not to be homeless. We had a meeting with them and set down the rules. They agreed. they slept for the next 3 days then started being gone all day and coming home in the early eveiing. I got mad at them and told them to come home. He needed to do job applications and they needed to clean some things. They came home but I noticed that my daughter was acting different- speedy, edgy, irritable, paranoid, argumentative. Surprisingly her husband was acting normally. Then we heard lots of loud yelling coming from their room. We checked on them and found her screaming at hime 100 miles a minute and him acting edgy and crying. Clearly both were under the influence. This morning they left the house around 7am and never came home, and did not answer the phone or texts. My husband of 6 years and my 20 yr old son want me to kick them out again. I am conflicted about it because I feel better knowing that they will come back sometimes and I can see them, and we can stay connected on some level. I am thinking about saying no drugs in the house and don't come home high, but not kicking them out for failed sobriety. They are on methadone and the clinic is near my home. I also don't like being pushed by my husband and son to make a move that I am not 100% on board with. I am just not ready to go through that again right now. I recognize that my stance on this might be "wrong" but it's how I am feeling about it right now.
