You know what....this has been a very wonderful Christmas and has been so eye opening in so many ways. My patience love and sobriety has been tested more over these last 14days than ever before.
I have loved having them here most of the time. One thing that is so very very clear is that they both drink way way to much but my daughter...she is definitely in a spiral...denial...blame...self loathing...loathing of others. Everything wrong in her life is the responsibility of someone else. This is the fist time in over 50 days that I have been triggered to use...I wanted to reach for a cocktail so badly so many times and I even entertained the idea of taking more than usual suboxone. The good news is....I DID NOT. I haven't been able to make a meeting over the past few days and have some calling me asking where I am and if I am ok...that was nice.
Kearra was suppose to go back to Canada...she is NOT....at least my daughter realized how wrong that would be...a very big part of me wants to say...to bad...she is your daughter and you need to step up....the other part of me knows that it would be emotionally devastating for Kearra...she told her mother that she is happy here and doesnt want to go with her. So frustrating because I feel that I have and always enabled my kid. But trust me she is sicker than I thought. She has no plan and is still mourning the loss of her relationship with Kearra's dad....
I don't know what I am trying to say here...its just really been hard and know that its coming to an end I am relieved...although I will have to re-arrange my life and plans and re-enroll Kearra in school...they all had a little good bye party for her...but I think I always knew deep down that it wouldn't be happening.
I have some very good opportunities awaiting me in the new year...one is sales manager for a publishing company here...that would mean alot of travel...to the islands...now I am not sure if I can do that...I definitely need to get back to work as we have had an enormous financial strain with the move and other stuff...just life I guess.
Its been great having son here and he contemplated staying until after new year but of course his sister went to work on him and made him feel guilty for allowing her to "travel alone"...uuuuggggg I am so pissed right now I could spit fire!
I am definitely going to make a meeting tonight...I so need it....I am sorry to say but I am happy that my kid is leaving...I feel so guilty but honestly you don't know what it has been like to be around an active alcoholic...its been so hard....
I know that Kearra being here is for the best and I wouldn't have it any other way..so that is a blessing and a curse all at once....
Thanks for letting me vent...I really needed to...I am so done arguing with her about mindless addict bullchit!!!
Glad you had a good holiday Kee kee. I understand that active addict thing. I saw my sister one too many times over the holidays and WOW! It's worse than being with a two year old. Sob and wine and poor me. I am sure I was like that at one time so I have to be forgiving. But there is only so much you can take huh?!? Anway nice that things worked out for all of you. Enjoy your meeting.
Love,
Jane
Love,
Jane
KEE KEE............
i just saw this post.........
forgive me for not posting to you sooner..............
bless your heart kee kee...........
i dont know what to say, because i know i made my parents feel the same way sometimes...........
when we get older, we realize the pain we have caused our parents and the pain hurts deeply.........
your daughter is a very pretty lady, and i pray she stops drinking.....
.................thumper
i just saw this post.........
forgive me for not posting to you sooner..............
bless your heart kee kee...........
i dont know what to say, because i know i made my parents feel the same way sometimes...........
when we get older, we realize the pain we have caused our parents and the pain hurts deeply.........
your daughter is a very pretty lady, and i pray she stops drinking.....
.................thumper
Its ok thumps! I haven't been around very much at all during the holidays so I only get to pop in sporadically...thanks for your kind words its tough. I also think that you should not be so hard on yourself we all do things to hurt our parents hon....but this is different...you don't have a child that you expect your parents to raise....show up once in a while when convenient and mess with her life...I so admire you for your strength in trying to mend those bridges...I can only hope that the same happen with mine...difference is she is in the throws of alcoholism at its finest and its really disturbing for those of us that love her.
Hi Jane...I know you have had a tough time of it this holiday season too...sucks but we do get through...
Latest update...my son did not go...first he doesnt like to fly at the best of times and there is a huge winter storm brewing in Denver, they are connecting from there...but mostly his sister spent the day getting inebriated and was pretty belligerent and in fine form when time to go...he just simply cancelled his reservation and is staying until after the new year.
My Daughter poured herself a big glass of Vodka and something and then continued to stumble around and get ready to go....in the meantime kearra was at the neighbor kids birthday party. She wanted K to come to the Airport with us against my better judgement so she did..the whole way to the airport I wanted to choke her...in a baby voice..oohhhh I will miss you my baby..and blah blah blah blah....got K very upset by the time we arrived and K was in tears and saying Mee Mee I want to go with Mommy....what a fricken night....she cried for a while longer in the car until I got her settled and told her we would discuss it in the morning...
She is fine now after a hot bath the rest of her birthday cake and some warm milk....I told her I loved her and wanted what was best for her and that these things are really adult things to discuss even though they involved her. I know it was her mom that got her all worked up and I feel like I want to throw up! My daughter is a "Gong Show". I am not exaggerating in anyway if it wasn't so gut wrenching sickening I would go into what these weeks have been like....I will spare you that..although I have really tried to stay positive and have said the serenity prayer over and over. In fact I found a key chain with the prayer on it and gave on each to the kids and told them what it means to me and how much it has helped me and asked them to use it and see what a difference it can make.
I am spent...exhausted physically and mentally...but I am clean and sober and loving that I am handling this this way...wow its a gift!
Hugs to all...kee kee
Hi Jane...I know you have had a tough time of it this holiday season too...sucks but we do get through...
Latest update...my son did not go...first he doesnt like to fly at the best of times and there is a huge winter storm brewing in Denver, they are connecting from there...but mostly his sister spent the day getting inebriated and was pretty belligerent and in fine form when time to go...he just simply cancelled his reservation and is staying until after the new year.
My Daughter poured herself a big glass of Vodka and something and then continued to stumble around and get ready to go....in the meantime kearra was at the neighbor kids birthday party. She wanted K to come to the Airport with us against my better judgement so she did..the whole way to the airport I wanted to choke her...in a baby voice..oohhhh I will miss you my baby..and blah blah blah blah....got K very upset by the time we arrived and K was in tears and saying Mee Mee I want to go with Mommy....what a fricken night....she cried for a while longer in the car until I got her settled and told her we would discuss it in the morning...
She is fine now after a hot bath the rest of her birthday cake and some warm milk....I told her I loved her and wanted what was best for her and that these things are really adult things to discuss even though they involved her. I know it was her mom that got her all worked up and I feel like I want to throw up! My daughter is a "Gong Show". I am not exaggerating in anyway if it wasn't so gut wrenching sickening I would go into what these weeks have been like....I will spare you that..although I have really tried to stay positive and have said the serenity prayer over and over. In fact I found a key chain with the prayer on it and gave on each to the kids and told them what it means to me and how much it has helped me and asked them to use it and see what a difference it can make.
I am spent...exhausted physically and mentally...but I am clean and sober and loving that I am handling this this way...wow its a gift!
Hugs to all...kee kee
kee-kee, I'm sorry things turned out like they did I know how excited you were that your children were coming for the holidays. Don't feel guilty about your daughter and the way you are feeling. You are doing the best thing for Kearra. My daughter is 21 with a 2 1/2 year old and a 5 month year old. She doesn't drink or do drugs but she is a baby having babies. She is not responsible in any way shape or form. Don't get me started on this subject because I could go on for hours and it is so frustrating. I do believe the children should be with their mother but not when it comes down to the well being of that child? I have looked into getting custody of my 2 grandbabies but what a fight that would be seeing they are Mashantucket Indians, finacially there is no way we would be able to afford a long legal battle trying to get custody of them. You are doing the right thing. Every weekend she comes and stays with us with the babies it is sad to say I am always glad to see them go because our whole household is disrupted.You might have to put your lifes plans on hold for awhile or make other changes but it will be so worth it knowing Kearra is being well taken care of. Hang in there. Sorry for rambling or spelling errors but it's late and I am tired but can't sleep with hubby snoring. Shantel
Thanks Shantel I know you can relate and boy can I relate to the hubby snoring thing...lol..its a nightmare!
I know things will be ok eventually and I can't help my daughter but I can help the little one. I just get so irate about how she hurts her without seemingly to understand it.
One thing that I do feel good about is staying clean and just handling it...my former self would have definitely popped a good 5 or 6 pills and let it slide....or poured a glass of wine...this is different...really tough but different.
Also..now I torn between the enabling thing because I know she would never put Kearra in harms way but its so easy to keep doing what she is doing because she doesnt have to be responsible. The whole my life is a wreck because of everyone else thing is getting so old....
She has promised to do things differently...go back and get her life in order..in the way of figuring a way to calmly discuss K and her well being and access with her ex...go back to school...get a night job..blah blah blah...so we will see....I have my doubts...she did not have to leave tonight...she could have stayed..she says she has to go back and get things rolling....and that she has had a "spirtual awakening" here...uh ok.....I heard her last night making plans with her "hells angel" boyfriend about new years eve!
Man I swear Hollywood could not make this stuff up...I know she has to hit her own bottom...but we just keep making it a little deeper for her because we love Kearra!
I hope things improve with your situation too...and when you say your daughter isn't drinking or doing drugs....I always say..."Yet"...my daughter has so many "yets" to come..anyway thanks for the support, I do so appreciate being able to chat about this crap!
I know things will be ok eventually and I can't help my daughter but I can help the little one. I just get so irate about how she hurts her without seemingly to understand it.
One thing that I do feel good about is staying clean and just handling it...my former self would have definitely popped a good 5 or 6 pills and let it slide....or poured a glass of wine...this is different...really tough but different.
Also..now I torn between the enabling thing because I know she would never put Kearra in harms way but its so easy to keep doing what she is doing because she doesnt have to be responsible. The whole my life is a wreck because of everyone else thing is getting so old....
She has promised to do things differently...go back and get her life in order..in the way of figuring a way to calmly discuss K and her well being and access with her ex...go back to school...get a night job..blah blah blah...so we will see....I have my doubts...she did not have to leave tonight...she could have stayed..she says she has to go back and get things rolling....and that she has had a "spirtual awakening" here...uh ok.....I heard her last night making plans with her "hells angel" boyfriend about new years eve!
Man I swear Hollywood could not make this stuff up...I know she has to hit her own bottom...but we just keep making it a little deeper for her because we love Kearra!
I hope things improve with your situation too...and when you say your daughter isn't drinking or doing drugs....I always say..."Yet"...my daughter has so many "yets" to come..anyway thanks for the support, I do so appreciate being able to chat about this crap!
Kee Kee,
I think you have handled things well. It is certainly OKAY to be happy your household will be returning to normal. I'm glad your son decided to stay longer. I think keeping Kearra is the best situation for now.
Since you don't see your daughter all the time, you have no way to judge how deep in to alcoholism she really is. It could be much worse than what you think. I don't think you are enabling her by continuing to keep her child. It's for the safety and welfare of Kearra. There are no guarantees that she would step up and be a good parent. I'm sure she would never intentionally hurt her, but add alcohol to the mix, and you never know. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, and some of life's lessons are going to be learned the hard way. But that is beyond you, it's on her.
The good thing is how fast kids bounce back. Some birthday cake and a little time and things are okay again.
You've got my email, send me one anytime you want to talk.
I think you have handled things well. It is certainly OKAY to be happy your household will be returning to normal. I'm glad your son decided to stay longer. I think keeping Kearra is the best situation for now.
Since you don't see your daughter all the time, you have no way to judge how deep in to alcoholism she really is. It could be much worse than what you think. I don't think you are enabling her by continuing to keep her child. It's for the safety and welfare of Kearra. There are no guarantees that she would step up and be a good parent. I'm sure she would never intentionally hurt her, but add alcohol to the mix, and you never know. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, and some of life's lessons are going to be learned the hard way. But that is beyond you, it's on her.
The good thing is how fast kids bounce back. Some birthday cake and a little time and things are okay again.
You've got my email, send me one anytime you want to talk.
KeKee-You might want to process this at a meeting but it would be perfectly o.k. for you not to have liquor around just to appease your daughter?Does she know you are in Recovery?
I'm not quite certain what the circumstances were,maybe she brought it with her?However,that would not be cool around me.It would make me crazy too.
Glad you got enjoy your kids.
Later,KeeKee
I'm not quite certain what the circumstances were,maybe she brought it with her?However,that would not be cool around me.It would make me crazy too.
Glad you got enjoy your kids.
Later,KeeKee
kee-kee, I know how you feel about enabling our daughters. We chose to go the tough love route with our daughter by making her move out of our house with the grandbabies. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but she didn't want to abide by our rules and wasn't even trying to so she had to go. Has the tough love approach helped any hell no she is still doing the same old crap. To an extent we do still enable her and the life style she has chose to live but if we don't that she won't let us see the babies. I know that sounds f...ed up but I need to know they are o.k. They are innocent and didn't ask to be brought into this world the least I can do is make sure they are being taking care of. No they are not my children like everyone keeps tells me but I feel a sense of responsiblity when it comes to their well being. Your daughter one day will find her way just like mine will and just like I did. It just will be in their own time. kee-kee just keep your eye on the prize and don't give up on her. You are a good mother and a great grandmother. Speaking of households being disrupted we have to pick her up today because the 2 1/2 year old has a dentist appt. tommorrow and she doesn't have a car to get her there. See that's my whole issue in this whole thing if it was just my daughter who had the dentist appt. we wouldn't take her as she has made her choices on how she wants to live her life but how do you say no when it comes down to the grandbaby. I can't. So I guess I am an enabler to. Shantel
keekee, if you don,t mine me asking, do you live in canada, becuse you said your on sub, and would like to now if we have it, here, thanks karen.
Kee Kee,
What stress you were under and how proud you must be that you didn't cave under pressure. Your family is lucky to have you. I'm glad the stress is mostly gone although you still have the job thing and I'll bet you're not sleeping well either. Glad Keara is with you. She'll know someday that you did the right thing. It was horrible that she had to go through all that misery, too. ((((Hugs))))))
What stress you were under and how proud you must be that you didn't cave under pressure. Your family is lucky to have you. I'm glad the stress is mostly gone although you still have the job thing and I'll bet you're not sleeping well either. Glad Keara is with you. She'll know someday that you did the right thing. It was horrible that she had to go through all that misery, too. ((((Hugs))))))
Karen,
Kee Kee doesn't live in Canada anymore, she lives in the states now.
Kee Kee doesn't live in Canada anymore, she lives in the states now.
Thanks for all the words of encouragment...I really appreciate your input and support! I wanted to ad that yes both of my kids know that I am in recovery and am very serious about it...I even brought my daughter with me to a Doctors appointment because she admitted to me that her bf was a pill head and popping 10 to 15 percs or oxy at a time and offered her a few and she had been taking them....she seemed to care what the doctor said and he said it in no uncertain terms....point is didn't scare her or worry her...she is right where she wants to be...on her way to him.
They were both drinking here and at the beach...I did not notice here because Kearra and I usually in bed at 8ish...lol...however I knew they were drinking...the smells and evidence in the morning. But then one morning I went to my womens meeting came home just after 11:00 and she was drinking beer.....I never said anything to her because it would end up in a huge argument...I just walked the other way and did not let it bother me then,,,,but it was bothering me.
My son is in shock and still believes that I am not an addict or that I had a problem with booze...what can I say...when I said I hid this chit good I wasn't kidding. I did speak with him last night and really really explained to him one on one what I have been going through...he seemed to understand and respects my wishes to not drink here...he has met a few friends here and will go out and do his thing...I am not about to tell my 22 year old son that he can't drink period that would be idiotic..however he is very aware of my feeling about the booze and my concerns about this disease in our family..yada yada yada....
So no I am worried if she is stuck in the airport in Denver..it seems a wicked storm is moving in there...anyone have any news?
I must say I feel like a 50lb weight has been lifted...we all do...how sick is that!!...so looking forward to my womens meeting this morning!! I will bring Kearra with me if I have to...I have brought her to meetings before she was curious as to what my "meetings" were about...I think that it will be good for her....she just may learn something..
one more thing
Yesterday K told me that she learned to jump off the rock wall at Magic Sands Beach...to the sand...about a four foot drop...then she told me mommy can do it too...but she spilled her beer!!!!! Give me strength....this is some really hard stuff to deal with!
I know we all have our trials and tribulations and I am no different from the rest but what I can say is that it is so much easier but yet so much harder clean and sober! Does that make sense?
Someone asked if I was in Canada...no I live in the US now....I don't think sub is available in Canada yet. Its been a long time coming there but soon maybe.
Thanks for the email Atlas..I will get back to you soon!
They were both drinking here and at the beach...I did not notice here because Kearra and I usually in bed at 8ish...lol...however I knew they were drinking...the smells and evidence in the morning. But then one morning I went to my womens meeting came home just after 11:00 and she was drinking beer.....I never said anything to her because it would end up in a huge argument...I just walked the other way and did not let it bother me then,,,,but it was bothering me.
My son is in shock and still believes that I am not an addict or that I had a problem with booze...what can I say...when I said I hid this chit good I wasn't kidding. I did speak with him last night and really really explained to him one on one what I have been going through...he seemed to understand and respects my wishes to not drink here...he has met a few friends here and will go out and do his thing...I am not about to tell my 22 year old son that he can't drink period that would be idiotic..however he is very aware of my feeling about the booze and my concerns about this disease in our family..yada yada yada....
So no I am worried if she is stuck in the airport in Denver..it seems a wicked storm is moving in there...anyone have any news?
I must say I feel like a 50lb weight has been lifted...we all do...how sick is that!!...so looking forward to my womens meeting this morning!! I will bring Kearra with me if I have to...I have brought her to meetings before she was curious as to what my "meetings" were about...I think that it will be good for her....she just may learn something..
one more thing
Yesterday K told me that she learned to jump off the rock wall at Magic Sands Beach...to the sand...about a four foot drop...then she told me mommy can do it too...but she spilled her beer!!!!! Give me strength....this is some really hard stuff to deal with!
I know we all have our trials and tribulations and I am no different from the rest but what I can say is that it is so much easier but yet so much harder clean and sober! Does that make sense?
Someone asked if I was in Canada...no I live in the US now....I don't think sub is available in Canada yet. Its been a long time coming there but soon maybe.
Thanks for the email Atlas..I will get back to you soon!
Keekee
I'm so proud of you for not caving into your thought of using. When you are around it like that I know how difficult it can be .... you are so strong!
I'm so sorry about how things are going with your daughter. I hope that one day she grows up and matures a little and starts to take responsibility with the Important things in her life. her priorities are not in order and you can see it clearly, it seems like she doesn't want to see it yet. I hope she will before it is too late.
Little K is so lucky to have you. You are full of love for her and that is what she needs soo badly. She's just so lucky... I know that when she grows up she will be in awe of how you handled things.
Children are so smart. They pick up on so much. Even my 2 year old picks up on things I never thought she could possibly understand...
You're a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, and I know that things are going to eventually work itself out for you. I truly believe that what you put in to this world will come back to you. You're due chick.
Love you
stac
I'm so proud of you for not caving into your thought of using. When you are around it like that I know how difficult it can be .... you are so strong!
I'm so sorry about how things are going with your daughter. I hope that one day she grows up and matures a little and starts to take responsibility with the Important things in her life. her priorities are not in order and you can see it clearly, it seems like she doesn't want to see it yet. I hope she will before it is too late.
Little K is so lucky to have you. You are full of love for her and that is what she needs soo badly. She's just so lucky... I know that when she grows up she will be in awe of how you handled things.
Children are so smart. They pick up on so much. Even my 2 year old picks up on things I never thought she could possibly understand...
You're a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, and I know that things are going to eventually work itself out for you. I truly believe that what you put in to this world will come back to you. You're due chick.
Love you
stac
Last I heard about the Denver airport was that it was open...that could change though, when did she fly out?
Wow, what a story. You're right, Hollywood's got nothing on you guys. All families have their drama's though, I just hate it when it affects little kids. Your granddaughter is so lucky to have you. Hold her close.
Your daughter is going to need to figure out her own crap, just like you did. All you can do is love her unconditionally but not put up or excuse her bad behavior. If you feel that child is in any danger while with her mother, than listen to your gut. You'll do what's right.
Hope you enjoyed your meeting and were able to share all of this.
Take Care
Lisa
Wow, what a story. You're right, Hollywood's got nothing on you guys. All families have their drama's though, I just hate it when it affects little kids. Your granddaughter is so lucky to have you. Hold her close.
Your daughter is going to need to figure out her own crap, just like you did. All you can do is love her unconditionally but not put up or excuse her bad behavior. If you feel that child is in any danger while with her mother, than listen to your gut. You'll do what's right.
Hope you enjoyed your meeting and were able to share all of this.
Take Care
Lisa
Thanks Stace...you warmed my heart with your words...so kind and just what I needed a little tenderness...man you are wise beyond your years..but you know that already...wink...wink!
She flew out last night and should be in the air now...havn't heard of any closures yet either....so no news is good news.
I didn't get to the meeting last night....uuugggghhh...to late...but am leaving for the womens meeting in a few minetes..I don't usually share..but I may today as I am really stuggling right now...
People always say that K is so lucky to have us....I believe it to be the other way around! We are so blessed to have her....the one thing her mommy did really really right!!!
check back in later...I am off...wish me luck
She flew out last night and should be in the air now...havn't heard of any closures yet either....so no news is good news.
I didn't get to the meeting last night....uuugggghhh...to late...but am leaving for the womens meeting in a few minetes..I don't usually share..but I may today as I am really stuggling right now...
People always say that K is so lucky to have us....I believe it to be the other way around! We are so blessed to have her....the one thing her mommy did really really right!!!
check back in later...I am off...wish me luck
Kee Kee
You have warmed my heart in times where I thought it was over for me. You were there for me a lot you know... I'm tickled to death that I made you feel a little better!
You are right, you are lucky to have that smart, beautiful little girl. You both are blessed.
Kids can really put things into such perspective for us can't they?
You enjoy the rest of your day and take it easy.
Love
stac
You have warmed my heart in times where I thought it was over for me. You were there for me a lot you know... I'm tickled to death that I made you feel a little better!
You are right, you are lucky to have that smart, beautiful little girl. You both are blessed.
Kids can really put things into such perspective for us can't they?
You enjoy the rest of your day and take it easy.
Love
stac
Well my son just left...nervous as hell...he hates flying but at least he is not drunk or drugged out...he thanked us for the amazing Christmas...one he will aways remember as special. He told me how happy he was for me to see the glow in my eyes and to know that his mother is truly happy!
Its quiet here right now...too quiet...but I like it...now its back to reality for us...my daughter did call and talk to her brother so she made it home...did not ask to speak to me or K....oh well...the ball is in her court...please say a prayer for her...I really need all the pull I can get...its do or die for her right now!
Thanks guys again..I so appreciate all of you putting up with me and this issue...I did share this morning at my meeting and I ended up bawling...dern it..I swore I would not...just so raw....K was happily playing in my eyesight but out of earshot...it was all so surreal!
Hugs guys...wishing you all a good one...this holiday stuff is brutal....my first one ever...clean as can be..it was a little wierd not sipping wine while making dinner...but it was so wonderful to be in the moment and be in the moment!!!!
Love ya all!!!!!!!
We have finally got our insurance worked out here so hubby and I will be attending councelling in the new year...uuuggghhhh! wish us luck...we better get one strong councellor because I am sure they will need therapy when they are done with my gong show...lol
Its quiet here right now...too quiet...but I like it...now its back to reality for us...my daughter did call and talk to her brother so she made it home...did not ask to speak to me or K....oh well...the ball is in her court...please say a prayer for her...I really need all the pull I can get...its do or die for her right now!
Thanks guys again..I so appreciate all of you putting up with me and this issue...I did share this morning at my meeting and I ended up bawling...dern it..I swore I would not...just so raw....K was happily playing in my eyesight but out of earshot...it was all so surreal!
Hugs guys...wishing you all a good one...this holiday stuff is brutal....my first one ever...clean as can be..it was a little wierd not sipping wine while making dinner...but it was so wonderful to be in the moment and be in the moment!!!!
Love ya all!!!!!!!
We have finally got our insurance worked out here so hubby and I will be attending councelling in the new year...uuuggghhhh! wish us luck...we better get one strong councellor because I am sure they will need therapy when they are done with my gong show...lol
I'm so glad you got to share. I'm really proud of you KeeKee, you are one of the miracles on this board.
