Yesterday i was in a good mood,good day came here and read and post a few.I got off early to got the house work done,cook,fold clothes and ect.....I help the kids around 530 to start getting dressed after i feed them supper.My husband had come in around 230pm .He has lost his job 2 weeks back.He was doing a few side obs the past couple of days.Or was supose to and everone he got to the matierals had not arived.He has been working on his parents house roofing,building,and his aunts home carpeting,floor replaceing and ect....He said i got to go back to aunt judy's to finish her carpet.I told him he was doing alot of things for everyone and could be working on our own home.Being he wasnt getting payed for anything he been doing.He went and layed down.I got a point to make here and im trying please stay with me i want opions please......Then his cousins child had partice at the gym it was to be over at 530 he told his cousin yeah he would take him to pick her up.We live way out in the country and we were leaveing at 530 to head to the same place the child was at and her mom lives across the street.I told him we were not going to make 2 trips to town we could pick her up when we all head out .I told him they could call tell her to go to her moms or we would be thier then and she could get dressed at her moms or the gym.He went down to his cousin and they live behind us.I thought he was going to tell them we were leaveing at 530 and we would all pick her up then,i looked and seen them leaveing out.i knew they were going to pick her up and come back.Then us go back where they just come from.I was pi**ed off.Im here feeding the kids dresing them and needed to get dressed myself .He was supost to help the kids with thier make up.He got back i told him i it didnt make any damm cents to make 2 trips when we dont have the money to be running around like that.Its like 15 miles one way.He said you ready i said no im not going.You can take them .He new i ws pi**ed and now he knows not to mess with me too much.Since sub. when i get mad i get angry and if kept messing with me i would start threwing things.I know its wrong and like i said i get really angry.But, i didnt throw anything cause he didnt keep on about me going.They left then i was even more pi**ed this is something ive always done with my kids and i dont let my kids go much anywhere w/o me.I got to crying and got dressed got in my car and rode town its a very small town.I thought id see them and park and walk with my kids .I know how men are they sit in the truck following the kids.I seen them passed them went to the store.They came pulling in he came over to my truck what are you doin?I told him i really wanted to be with my kids but,knew we were not going to get alone.IHis sister who lives beside us as well was in his truck and me nor my husband dont get alone with her.he said they ran up on her and she said her van was acting up and they parked hers.She has three small kids he said shes sitting in the truck makeing our kids watch her kids when they get out.My oldest came and said they were leaveing her behind so i told her she could go with me and go check if my 10 year wanted to go with me also.The 10 year didnt and my oldest12 just wanted to go home.I was pi**ed about his sister being in his truck i told him if i went her a** wouldnt be in thier.She has done and said something and i about stomped her a** in my home.My husband draged me to the floor.She came in my home was saying i was talking to her husband who she was devoiceing.I told her hell yeah i was.Whats it to her if we myself and my husband are friends.Anyways alot more to it then just that.She is messing with a married man and her dad hes a preacher.They know of this and think its ok.but,if someone else does this they are going to he**.I came home and a few mins later they got back.It wasnt just about 2 trips to town or his sister.Alot i have been trying not to explode about had been building up.Like money,bills,and him not even trying to find a study job.We could loose all except of home and land.I havent worked since march have always worked since 16 years old.I just felt i didnt have the right to say go find a job.I take care of everything here and he dont have to lift a finger.Was i right or wrong about being angry?Should i rasie he** about him finding a JOB?I justy want others to read this and say if im right or if im crazy as he**....Its been a bad day today i havent done anything my energy and deprestion has hit hard.take care crystal.....
Hi Crystal... i don't think we have talked yet...been really busy the past few days. First i want to say it's good to have you here. I am sorry youre going thru such a rough time with your husband. After reading what you wrote, i would say yes you have the right to be mad. You're not crazy, that's for sure. Right now you need help and you don't feel like youre getting any right? Do you think he would listen if you set aside some time for just you and him to talk about what's bothering you? He needs to understand that you are trying to get off pills.... people who don't know what we go thru as recovering addicts don't understand all of our changing emotions. Try talking to him one on one... hopefully that will help some.
Love and God Bless,
Bri :)
Love and God Bless,
Bri :)
Anger and rage are toxic, period. They will eat at you from the inside. They will compromise your recovery as well. There is an old profound chinese proverb that I like to repeat. "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." You have to put in a serious effort to curtail your anger. It's a double edged sword and the only people it hurts is you and your family. Nothing useful can ever be accomplished in a home when anger is involved.
God bless you and treat yourself to some serenity tonight.
God bless you and treat yourself to some serenity tonight.
Hello,
I am so sorry regarding your post and the time you really wanted with your husband. It took me a long time and I have my moments still. My mind is a mess. That's what kept me "using". I learned we have to think of others and take the "self" out of most of what we do. I also have 3 kids and their within 4 years apart. I have been disappointed alot, especially when my husband traveled for 2 years, and left me with 3 kids and 4 foster children. But it will get better. I hope you can make ammends, and meet in the middle. I pray I did not offend you. I recently learned that we are powerless, over alot of things. Anger is not a good thing to carry around. You are a GREAT PERSON, and help many people. So PLEASE understand, I am just basing this off of what I have learned at AA. And I don't work the program perfect but I do work it. You are instrumental on this board , keep posting. I know venting things can help so much. Take care, Best Wishes
I am so sorry regarding your post and the time you really wanted with your husband. It took me a long time and I have my moments still. My mind is a mess. That's what kept me "using". I learned we have to think of others and take the "self" out of most of what we do. I also have 3 kids and their within 4 years apart. I have been disappointed alot, especially when my husband traveled for 2 years, and left me with 3 kids and 4 foster children. But it will get better. I hope you can make ammends, and meet in the middle. I pray I did not offend you. I recently learned that we are powerless, over alot of things. Anger is not a good thing to carry around. You are a GREAT PERSON, and help many people. So PLEASE understand, I am just basing this off of what I have learned at AA. And I don't work the program perfect but I do work it. You are instrumental on this board , keep posting. I know venting things can help so much. Take care, Best Wishes
Thanks you all for the input.You know i have sat him down and tried to talk about alot with my husband.I told him that i didnt like to get really upset so,i wouldnt explode.Since off the pills im not knumb and feel alot of thing i should of been feel or careing about. I could snap,say something i would never say to hurt people,and not let thing in life bother me when i was useing.So i had alot of feeling to make up for.About through my whole addiction my mom had cancer and i was dealing with it pretty good through the years.She went into remission for like year.Then,went back and it was too late.The were going to start a new drug but,she was in and out of the hospital alot.Finally,the doctor said shes not going to live but,2 months.Eveybody kept asking are you alright i say yeah.But, deep down i wasnt.I was stong for my mom when the doctor had told us this she was talking out of her mind.Didnt even know i was in the room.She got blood,Iv fluids,and antibies,and seemed back to norally but,only the pain of it.The fliuds and blood would build her back up.For a week or so .They would do this when she was really down which was alot. .They said we cant keep build her up cause the cancer is growing and fast.She would just suffer more.So they called hospice out and i told her they were just to help her get better.I talked with the hospice and told them she didnt know.I asked if i should tell her they said its your choice but,alot give up quicker knowing.i gues i thought she wasnt going to die.She moved in with me kept saying im going to get better and go back to work.Thats all she wanted.She fought for her life i mean really fought.The hospice kept saying they couldnt belive she was still alive,they would say one more day . from around Feb. 5th until April 26th of 2004.i sit by her bed on about most the time 24/7 .....My husband didnt like the idea and i told him id take her to her home and stay but, she had thought they were people trying to kill her and that a explodtion had happen.The night she thought that she ran in the woods we had to call 911.they had called for a heliocopter .We found her in the wood she took had her pants off said they had caught of fire.its was so awful.they took her to the hospital .She was liveing in her home until that night and didnt want to go back because she really thought the pepole was trying to kill her..It seemed here in my home she was talking alot better.I never heard my mom talk about her childhood.I learned things she had never talked about.Even about her and her dad going fishing.She'd never talk of anything like this.So,i would fix her a plate and she would go back in and dump about the whole pan of whatever and say im gaining my weight back and going to get better.She couldnt eat much at all.The hospice superviser came out told me you cant do this alone its going to get worst and you are just given out.i told him this is where she wanted to be so she wasnt leaveing.i t got alot alot worst .my husband would come home go into his room and stay the whole time,I didnt sleep in thier with him i had my recliner right by her bed.i had to give her oxy. liquid like ever 10 to 15 mins.i didnt get much sleep at all.Someone else big from hospice came again begging me to let her go into the hospice which was a pretty good ways away.Said i could stay thier the whole time.i told him No i wasnt she wanted to be here .So i did it and when time came i had to do everything made some arangment before it happen.And when it happen it was all on me.I got 3 brother who didnt help at all .one came oneday to sit while i ran to town for tsomehings we needed.Mom and i became very close before she really got down.its just amazing at what a person see before time.I mean the person dieing.See people that has passed some scared her and some some was happy about.She never went to church and my family never talked about god.My brothers laugh when you speak of him like god is a joke.When i was youger i would go to church ever y Sun. and some Wens. i loved going and loved God.My brother would tease me.My mom start talking about God and got saved,She woke up one evening saying baptize me.Kept saying it and i got of the phone some preacher wouldnt come or would say they were going to at another time and didnt show.She had a dream talked with GOD.Nothing was said of God until that day when she woke up yelling.I found a preacher that said i cant take her to the church when he seen her down..We put her in a chair in the kichen and he sprinled water over her.God put her through alot of her dieing bed.She paid for her sins on that bed.She had been elcticuted ,drowed,and on fire.She showed all the expresstion for all these thing.i would grab her hand and she would yell No No let go you going to burn.Oneday she looked at me your the devil get away .I thought my God i hope not i know im do devilish things.It got to were i was praying for him to take her i was so tried of seeing her suffering.I was handleing all ok just gived slap out.at the furnel i didnt cry .came home and still didnt .I had it in my head she was on vacation.One year later i relized she wasnt comeing back.Id been told you got to grieve without it you will stay depresed.I started geiveing when i got of sub. and feeling things.i was told you got to talk about her.I started talking about her to my husband said dont talk about it.He gets mad when anyone mentions anythnig of her.I told him its better for me to talk about it he said no its not.When she was here i took so so many pills a day everyone said you havent slep i dont see how you are doing it.I thought when its over i will come off them no problem ,quit smokeing also...i was getting the kids off to school and they helped eackother in thier rooms with homework.They were pretty good and stayed in thiere bedroom alot or played out side.I remember one morning mom said i got to get ready for school also,kept calling one of my girls kay her sister.It was like she went back as a child.I told her no she was sick and couldnt go to school that day.She said im not sick im going.One night before she passed she was saying wait a min. buddy and kept say im not ready.The next day she looked at me not know for awhile who i was i kissed her head she said you are so pretty.The next morning she passed .Hosoice came out and told me lay down i finally did and i was right in the room on the couach.The Hospice woman had left i didnt know she had.i woke up 2 hours later ran to her bed.i knew i hadnt heard anything for awhile and hadnt given her any oxy. drops in a while.She was gone.i wasnt going to call anyone. no one helped me except her sister some not much.her mom and dad was here some of the time back and forth .They were no help say they were scared to do anything and they just didnt know what to do.Im dealing with it everyday.it has effected me mentaliy and phyicaly.Not counting the pain pill problem.And marriage problems.Hes not one for expressing his feeling at all.When the doctor calls his mom he dont want to here nothing about it..I use to be one for not expressing my emotion and now i want to.it seems to help me its like ive had some presurer taken off.When really nothing has changed everything is still the same.Im sorry for going through this but,I just wanted to relive myself some.Just dont take the one you love for granted you never know when or what could happen.I learn this and i dont have any regrets about it.I did all i could do .I dont wont for people to feel sorry for me.This isnt why i wrote this.I dont blame me taken carry of her on my addiction ethier.I ws running too much and give out when i was working and take mom for treatment 5 days aweek and over one hour away.Then take her home and go to work as soon as i could come in at 11pm and get back up 6am kids off to school,take mom for treatment,go to work ,clean house late at night.i was on so many pills for the energy i was just run down and they picked me up and knumb the hurting and the pain.Im really feeling it all now.Its hit me like a brick.Now,with my husband not working wondering how to get this or pay this and thiers no way to get caught back up of everything.i need test run from the hospital as well,no insurance no service.i need another MRI,nerve test on my back and legs need it done to see how much more damage is done. Also need the knot on my neck checked out by a specialies.i try to do all i can to keep the home together and my husband not have to do anything around here.even if i did get a job i probley couldnt keep it and i couldnt afford the gas and not make enough .it wouldnt even be worth me working as high as gas has gotten and i have to work in waitressing,cashier or cooking with no degree.The job i had for 5 years i mesed that up it was really close to me.They wont hire me back.The other my mother and law is sueing them .And the manger told me i d love to have you back but,i cant hire you when family has taken action againt the company.If i got a job i would have to drive 35 to 40 miles one way at 5:50 to 6:00 a hour.I just wish he would try to find something premenet to do.Instud of waiting around for his old job to pick up.Our sex life i dont even have that at all.maybe him a qickie once ever 2 weeks.Please pray for me and my family thanks for read.crystal
