Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 252
When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life-my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain. It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.
Being me, I hesitate to add to anything that sums it up..lol...but my personal truth is I had to FIND myself before I could even get to thinking about loving myself (and I'm not anywhere near dong either of those things yet).
I built a false self to cope with the world because I'd learned/been taught/believed my real self was so flawed, broken and unlovable it shouldn't be, couldn't be shown to others....some parts of me got cobbled together to create a persona, and another part of me watched this thing go out into the world and try to be a good man.....but I always felt false, a fake, even when I did the good things I wanted to do....some part of me was always shouting "faker!" in my inner ear.....only hitting my emotional rock bottom made me start to look at myself - nothing less would have forced me to do that.....looking at myself opened the door to thinking about what I do with booze....THAT led me to looking harder at myself.....and people here helped my see things I simply could not have seen if I had tried to do it on my own...and NONE of it would have happened if I hadn't given up all hope months ago and opened the door to my Higher Power stepping into my life and giving me hope that I wouldn't die if I faced my situation and myself....
I'm working to find the real me and the bits I see are worthy of love....hey, we're all human, we're all doing the best we can at the time, we're all worthy of love...duh.....I'm a slow learner see.....lol...
That's my experience.....and my strength is.... my HP, my friends, my family, Al-anon, AA, people here...and my hope? Well, they are my hope, too....my only hope of finding me and loving me and being for me and for others throughout this life the person I am and will naturally grow to be.
I hear it time and time again in AA meetings and really heard it on my sobriety date of 11/22/2003...I couldn't stop crying and held my head down at that meeting, I was in so much shame and remorse....and after that meeting a circle of oldtimer AA women surrounded me, gave me their phone numbers and said to me, "let us love you until you can love yourself..." and I did, and in doing so I've learned to love myself and others....unconditionally.
