Hello all,
I just wanted to share something on my mind today...what I've learned since I've gotten here...
Since I have arrived here I have learned oh so many things about myself...most of them not nice...but they are truths...i have learned that I am an addict...and a chronic one...one that will go to any lengths to ride that buzz and in any form...I've had to look at the cycle....Ive had to go all the way back and realize that Ive been an addict since I was 13. Now....we all say that...that were addicts but really not until I got here did it really hit me...that its a cycle I just dont break out of....even when I want to...cuz...I can detox...but then...in as little as a week..I'm back at it..beginning if not with heroin then with something else...wine even...I can remember drinking a bottle of wine just by myself....and then when the wine is getting boring and not enough....I'll do pain pills to ride a better buzz ...until...im back with lady Heroin...cuz thats the way it always ends for me...and now...now Im clean again...and a lot of people wonder why I want a MMT program....and I have had to think about it...do I want it so i can ride without all the fuss ? ...or do I want it cuz I know Im going to ride regardless and that maybe MMT will keep me at least from repeating the same cycle....There are those that say sheer willpower will do it..to just give myself time...that you have to really want to remain clean to be clean...and lord knows everyone of those thoughts are legitimate....but I have to know myself first before I can apply any of it....and what do I know...that I cant do this by sheer willpower...not working for me...and that I dont want to be "buzzless" for the rest of my life and I know I wont stop ...so....I think Con needs a babysitter... safety net that doesnt allow me to repeat this cycle..and that might/would be MMT or somethng like it...but just even thinking about knowing all that is mind boggeling...so thanks to all and thanks for this site...cuz it really DOES help you think ...in whatever category you fall in...
Alrite Con.....i hear ya bout leading a sober life....it might not be yer of choice but you need sumthin to smooth the edges of life.....you are unhappy in yer present state i.e clean .....were you happy doin H?the cycle of scoring etc....when you get clean you can look back on yer days with rose tinted glasses....dont....im only clean ...one by being on a l/t MMT another is i d myself for being a slave to smack.At the Docs you attended its a hard choice to make for mein docter to give you methadone if yer is clean wouldnt you agree.I know you need sumthin and i aint gonna say the usual get a hobby or sumthin like that....but you know in the back of yer mind yer gonna score maybe then go back to the docter and say see ive still got a problem....im not advocating you do this that is yer own choice........but i really do understand yer yearning for sumthin to settle you down ....why do ya think ive been on MMT for nearly 8yrs.its a very addictive and as you know far harder to get of than smack.....i know you have thought about this ...just give it a bit more thought.Hows yer homelife?still chaotic with yer &her drinking and no job?that too is taking its toll also yer job you sound like you it all these can be reason why you want some chemical back up.Im ramblin now but i really understand yer problems.Take care Ms............Davey
Davey....thanks so much for understanding...and I know...ive been so scared of meth for years...was never an advocate and just thinking about it still scares me..but i scare myself more sometimes..but.im still thinking and giving myself some time...I really DONT know whats best right now...but i do know im irritable, cranky and everything feels like its closing in...and ya ya..I know...mind set etc...but i cant afford to be cranky or irritable or short tempered ..especially at my job...I cant....and the one thing the H gave me was the ablity to be calm...but the scoring, running out, scared of running out, driving , fixing, buying whole cycle is not a calm...so Im really torn...and ya...things at home and at work are pretty much the same...I'd have to say its work that probably worries and makes me upset more right now....wife is still drinking,,,.and we had to attend a party last weekned....and the smoke was going round ( Im not a weeder...cant stand it ) and the drinks and she was feeling good and I was like drinking..water and wishinig for a fix...but thats sort of besides the point...I knew it would be like that...and I knew it would be hard...and I did ok..but still...it never helps...so anyways..im just kind of thinking...im a repeat offender...and maybe clean I will eventually get use to...but i think i know myself better than that...and.ya...guess Im just not liking being clean all too much right now ...but I will take more time to think...thanks Davey...and yes....i guess its a difficult descion for the doc...but...it aint no picnic on the other side either.....and if someone is requesting it....welll...ur right you know...I would have to show up not clean anymore...im trying not to have that happen though...
oh con con, i so know how you feel--up& down the rollercoster of thoughts and emotion--i can do it...no i cannot...the docs right...the docs wrong....mmt will help...mmt will suck...
for me i could never do it--i tried without a "fallback" and yes now i am untterly addicted to meth, but i live a life that allows peace of mind--i go to sleep at night knowing in the morining i will function as I want to function not based aroung scoring or being sick or craving.
on the other hnd i never had the willpower to detox--especially on my own, you are much stronger in that sense.....
STRESS is a nono for you right now--and ill leave it at that
love love love you girlie!
for me i could never do it--i tried without a "fallback" and yes now i am untterly addicted to meth, but i live a life that allows peace of mind--i go to sleep at night knowing in the morining i will function as I want to function not based aroung scoring or being sick or craving.
on the other hnd i never had the willpower to detox--especially on my own, you are much stronger in that sense.....
STRESS is a nono for you right now--and ill leave it at that
love love love you girlie!
GET A HOBBY!
Oh Con, I know nada about methadone.........I just know I hated when somebody would tell me to get a hobby..........do something you enjoy.........ummmmmmmm that'd be dope...........that's real frightening when you sit there and go............"O.K. what do I like?"............and ya got no answer.............being high that don't matter none.
Kind of that ya can't win for losing cause "On dope you have one problem, and off it ya got a million and one"................well on it one until ya score and then ya got none................I wish we could think of something to buzz us all naturally like if we were artists or something.
O.K. I make no sense.................Davey and Amity gave ya great advice.
Oh Con, I know nada about methadone.........I just know I hated when somebody would tell me to get a hobby..........do something you enjoy.........ummmmmmmm that'd be dope...........that's real frightening when you sit there and go............"O.K. what do I like?"............and ya got no answer.............being high that don't matter none.
Kind of that ya can't win for losing cause "On dope you have one problem, and off it ya got a million and one"................well on it one until ya score and then ya got none................I wish we could think of something to buzz us all naturally like if we were artists or something.
O.K. I make no sense.................Davey and Amity gave ya great advice.
BTW, Con you did learn alot.............that acoounts for a whole lot.
Kudos and high five, low five on getting through that party without leaving.........I know that was killing ya..............that was huge ya didn't split and score....give yourself some credit for that................lots of credit.
Kudos and high five, low five on getting through that party without leaving.........I know that was killing ya..............that was huge ya didn't split and score....give yourself some credit for that................lots of credit.
get a man!wasnt me con,someones imposing,using my nane,,f***,i can feel the slap from here,,lol,,,E,,xx
Good Morning :)
Amity...Thanks Thanks Thanks...you took what was in my head and wrote it down...that is SOOOOO exactly how I feel at the moment...Thanks so much for the understanding !! I actually had to smile because that it is so perfectly how its playing out in my head...
Bryn... LOL....ya and dont foregt...I have hobbies...I just like doing them high...LOL....No No...really...hey...thanks...Thanks for the Kudos...I'll take em...:)
and ECK.....just say OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL....you ALL made me smile this morning...and since I think the sandman went on strike last nite,,,I am SO glad to hear your "voices" today !!!
Amity...Thanks Thanks Thanks...you took what was in my head and wrote it down...that is SOOOOO exactly how I feel at the moment...Thanks so much for the understanding !! I actually had to smile because that it is so perfectly how its playing out in my head...
Bryn... LOL....ya and dont foregt...I have hobbies...I just like doing them high...LOL....No No...really...hey...thanks...Thanks for the Kudos...I'll take em...:)
and ECK.....just say OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL....you ALL made me smile this morning...and since I think the sandman went on strike last nite,,,I am SO glad to hear your "voices" today !!!
