Wise people can you tell me will I forever be blamed that my child is not going to a school that is top notch? That she is a cocky, mean person? That she is tossing herself at boy men without any self-esteem? That she's got a picture on that dang myspace for all the world to see smoking a ciggie with the garish fake nails in a hot/green/pink tone, and a look of sadness and desperation on her face? I mean is it me that set that in motion, and besides is all that bad in the scheme of things, really?
Well ask my brother. Ask my brother who recently called asking if she got the $500 he sent her. He knows she don't speak to me so why is he asking me? Oh, how about he calls her? He won't because her father called him the day after she left here, and my brother was in another country. I had to hear about the 24 messages left on his home phone, cell and his upstanding, and very, very important office. Yes, my ex husband who was angry he did not immediately answer him was screaming curses into the phone. People this is an office like ya can't be doing that. Not that someone heard, but no. He screamed curses and told my brother to never, ever call or see his niece ever again or else.
Today my brother asked about her. I said i have no idea, but my girlfriend has one of those spaces and saw her and said to look at this. Definately a defiant thing most likely made to shock. yeah these kids do this. My daughter was always the preppy type. She loathed anything garish. She was judgemental of any girl who slept with someone before marriage and who smoked or drank.
Well that went down the tubes, and if it was not so sad it would be comical. She uses words I don't know what they mean, but has this AT-TITUDE that says "I am the gehtto queen and snap you best not mess with this". It don't work for this kid, but oh what can I do?
Back to me. I get a call and then an e-mail from my brother saying she will never be in a decent relationship. She has to be cocky so she does not kill herself or become an addict or drunk. SHE HAS TO SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's right. I do smoke and my mom does as well. Now because we do when she moved to her dad's she went into nicotine withdrawl!!!!!!! I PUT MY KID INTO NICOTINE WITHDRAWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fancy that. Her father smokes two packs a day IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So null on that theory. My bro broke it down mathematic wise too. I am 75% of the reason she is so messed up because of my drug addiction. My parents then got to split the other 25% luckily. Then of course it all came back to him, and how he knows how frightening it is to worry you can't pay for school, and she will continue working at her menial job and probably not even finish school and be a big fat slob chasing abusive men.
I made her mean. I made her fat. I made her nuts. I made her sad. I returned the e-mail with "Thanks for that. I feel so good about all that. Listen, I am so nuts, and a junkie so I can do anything I want. Your support is welcomed. I'm thinking about wiping out the ten years that I for twenty four hours a day and seven days a week lived, breathed, swam, danced, PTA'd, and playgrounded without a glitch"
Then of course I had to add something smart. I HAVE TO GO I AM MAKING A MYSPACE AND TAKING A PHOTO OH NO IT CAME OUT AND I AM A MONSTER IN IT I AM AN UGLY MEAN LOSER MONSTER YEP THAT"S ME
How long? How long?
Dear Bryn,
As long as you continue to allow them to make you feel like that. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!!! Don't believe their bulls---. That's all it is.
Love,
Susan
As long as you continue to allow them to make you feel like that. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!!! Don't believe their bulls---. That's all it is.
Love,
Susan
| QUOTE |
| will I forever be blamed that my child is not going to a school that is top notch? |
As long as that one blaming you is you. Then yes.
Yep as long as you blame you.
Not sure why you would. Like you have any control over the choices she makes. No matter where she lives, no matter what anyone thinks she should do....Her life, even at a young age, her life.....she is gonna live it for whatever her reasons are, even if them reasons seem insane to everyone else.....
Try to stay out of the blame game, either blaming yourself or allowing anyone to blame you......Like there is any control, you know.
Deep breaths, and remember if that don't work, then throw something....lol
Take care of you and try not to drive yourself all crazy!
Love,
Tina
Not sure why you would. Like you have any control over the choices she makes. No matter where she lives, no matter what anyone thinks she should do....Her life, even at a young age, her life.....she is gonna live it for whatever her reasons are, even if them reasons seem insane to everyone else.....
Try to stay out of the blame game, either blaming yourself or allowing anyone to blame you......Like there is any control, you know.
Deep breaths, and remember if that don't work, then throw something....lol
Take care of you and try not to drive yourself all crazy!
Love,
Tina
Bryn..I soooooo identify...and it is true what everyone has said...it does come back to me...It started first as a family dynamic when I was a child...I was blamed for everything...Everything! And I took it on...first unaware but I see now how I internalized it and it became a part of me...I take on blame and guilt...I am still working on it...My family in general has stopped but occasionally I get blamed and I take a step away...But the worst is the blame I put on myself...Everything is my fault...I have to take a step back...and look at it realistically...I really do not have that kind of power...
I continue to struggle with it and in some cases I refuse to be the scape goat...but there are times I still take it on...and that is when I have to put into action what I have learned...1) I have no control over other people 2) I can only change myself 3) I make the best decisions I can and yes sometimes I might be wrong but I am human 4) And if isn't mine to own, let it go and allow the other person to take responsbility...
Breathe...take care of you...Love Gina
I continue to struggle with it and in some cases I refuse to be the scape goat...but there are times I still take it on...and that is when I have to put into action what I have learned...1) I have no control over other people 2) I can only change myself 3) I make the best decisions I can and yes sometimes I might be wrong but I am human 4) And if isn't mine to own, let it go and allow the other person to take responsbility...
Breathe...take care of you...Love Gina
When I start feeling this way, I remember that some kids grow up horribly abused & turn out fine, other kids have everything & all the love in the world & they turn out not fine; and also that kids raised in the same family & in the same way -- some turn out fine, some don't.
I feel I AM to blame for being not so great of a mother -- BUT I have asked forgiveness from her & God -- it's harder forgiving myself -- and I have tried many times to make amends -- she still chooses to blame me sometimes -- but I've done MY part. My daughter can CHOOSE how she reacts to it all -- if she still chooses to keep blaming me, then that is her problem.
I try to remember all that when I start to feel guilty.
I feel I AM to blame for being not so great of a mother -- BUT I have asked forgiveness from her & God -- it's harder forgiving myself -- and I have tried many times to make amends -- she still chooses to blame me sometimes -- but I've done MY part. My daughter can CHOOSE how she reacts to it all -- if she still chooses to keep blaming me, then that is her problem.
I try to remember all that when I start to feel guilty.
Hi Byrn,
Really feel for you at the moment. The blame is not yours, remember all the things we didn't cause it, can't control it etc. Also the four agreements dont take anything personally. I got all of that stuff from my son around aged 16 and 17. Forget about defending yourself with her, you were a great mom, human like us all, made mistakes like we all do, I hope you stop blaming yourself,
love and hugs
Cathy
Really feel for you at the moment. The blame is not yours, remember all the things we didn't cause it, can't control it etc. Also the four agreements dont take anything personally. I got all of that stuff from my son around aged 16 and 17. Forget about defending yourself with her, you were a great mom, human like us all, made mistakes like we all do, I hope you stop blaming yourself,
love and hugs
Cathy
Bryn just a reading from tonight's meeting .. on anger.. take what you like and leave the rest .. remember you are Not your daughter's problem .. Regardless of the life you have had with her.. You did Not make Her choices.. She is making her own .. Her problems are stemming from her Own Reactions Alone.. Not actions .. it is an irrational situation . Her thinking is iRational and right now you have No control .. you cannot change her .. you cannot fix her .. you can not make her Reasonable and your attempts are literally .. sorry mom .. insane .. not calling you insane just sharing that it's like trying to lift a house up over your head and you just think you can but you can't .. it can't be done .. But you can change You and Fix you which may lead her to see her mother in a new light with New Strength .. thereby giving her hope .. you can check the situation and think about what you feel .. look inside and be honest enough to know your own fears.. once you become aware of what is going on with you and Not just because of the obvious and vague fact that she is your daughter.. we love our children .. but there is more under the surface that is going on with Bryn .. i would be willing to bet this takes you back to your own using days and bam . you relive the fear and the past .. She going down the same path is causing you to relive it twice.. it's similar to post traumatic stress etc.. She is getting a Reaction out of you is she not ? she is getting attention negative or positive is she not ?? This is about what's going on in her .. please don't Take up the blame she hands to you .. You can Take it .. or you can Leave it alone .. if you carry it, it's as toxic as the drug.. it spreads .. and as they say alcoholism can be fatal .. it will destroy the common decencies in you .. etc.. what you are doing is known as the alcoholic two step .. it Never ends.. better to do a Two step with a Higher power or should i say .. 12 .. makes more sense as well .. here's the reading .. Try to think of this in you but also in her .. her thinking .. etc..
Courage to Change page 83.. it takes Courage to Change the way we handle things..
I was around a lot of anger this weekend. Some of it belonged to the alcoholics in my life, and some of it belonged to me as I came to grips with my powrlessness over people, places, and things..
By applying the Serenity Prayer to the various situations that occurred, I was reminded that my anger can be an attempt to change someone or something because I don't want to change..
Being wiling to change--to acknowledge my anger, identify its source, look at my part of it, and express it lovingly--is a big part of my fourth and tenth steps.I gain self worth when i change the things I can and accept responsibility for my reations rather than blaming or shaming another.
I have choices. I can stay in my anger, or I can use it as a signal that I need to change. I trust my Higher Power to show me what i need to do so i can experience the self-esteem that comes from accepting my emotional responsibilities.
Thought for the day..
The how, what, when, and why of expressing my feelings is one major part of life over which i do have control.
The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how i express them. it also provides my Higher Power the chance to Show me what i need to do through the guidance of a loving sponsor who leads me through the steps ..
just sharing a reading that has helped me personally in the past ..
* Breath Bryn * God love u and so do we..
also just a reminder .. your daughter has a higher powr too .. if he cannot reason with her at this time he knows her full well .. her stubborness and has kept her alive this far.. grant it none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.. but he can put others in her life that can help as well .. he's a God of Reason and of sound mind .. he can think this through more clearly than we can .. it's not too big that we have to take it into our own hands.. that has Never worked before..
Courage to Change page 83.. it takes Courage to Change the way we handle things..
I was around a lot of anger this weekend. Some of it belonged to the alcoholics in my life, and some of it belonged to me as I came to grips with my powrlessness over people, places, and things..
By applying the Serenity Prayer to the various situations that occurred, I was reminded that my anger can be an attempt to change someone or something because I don't want to change..
Being wiling to change--to acknowledge my anger, identify its source, look at my part of it, and express it lovingly--is a big part of my fourth and tenth steps.I gain self worth when i change the things I can and accept responsibility for my reations rather than blaming or shaming another.
I have choices. I can stay in my anger, or I can use it as a signal that I need to change. I trust my Higher Power to show me what i need to do so i can experience the self-esteem that comes from accepting my emotional responsibilities.
Thought for the day..
The how, what, when, and why of expressing my feelings is one major part of life over which i do have control.
The Al-Anon program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how i express them. it also provides my Higher Power the chance to Show me what i need to do through the guidance of a loving sponsor who leads me through the steps ..
just sharing a reading that has helped me personally in the past ..
* Breath Bryn * God love u and so do we..
also just a reminder .. your daughter has a higher powr too .. if he cannot reason with her at this time he knows her full well .. her stubborness and has kept her alive this far.. grant it none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.. but he can put others in her life that can help as well .. he's a God of Reason and of sound mind .. he can think this through more clearly than we can .. it's not too big that we have to take it into our own hands.. that has Never worked before..
Hey, Bryn, where are you?????
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
Unless we put the pills & alcohol down the addict's throats ourselves, unless we stuck the needle full of poison in their veins, it's not our fault. The addicts had a choice & they still have a choice. Same with our children/grandchildren (in my case). She can choose whether or not she wants to do well in school, have good hygiene etc. She'll suffer the consequences of either. All I can do is model things for her, encourage, give advice, etc. Whether or not she takes it is up to her.
Back to the addict: I hope no one takes what I am about to say the wrong way... I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, holier than thou, etc. So please don't take it that way. I'm just saying everyone has a CHOICE. I've had chances to take pills, smoke pot etc. It was offered to me, it was right in front of me, it was free. I CHOSE to NOT do it. I didn't have a perfect childhood either. I was ridiculed my entire childhood, made fun of. My dreams were stupid & impossible. I had/have all kinds of problems in my life since. My husband was electrocuted 4 years after we were married -- he was 23, I was 22 and my daughter was 18 months old when it happened (now she's a drug addict). I still chose to not do drugs. If anyone had a reason, it was me!
Now I must say at this point that having Jesus Christ in my life & heart certainly helped me to not do those things. I can't take all the credit. But I did still have a choice.
My point is, why do we keep allowing the addicts to blame us?!?! We did NOT make that choice for them, THEY DID. Now they have themselves in a mess & they say it's OUR fault?! We need to stop owning this blame!
I hope this makes sense...
Back to the addict: I hope no one takes what I am about to say the wrong way... I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, holier than thou, etc. So please don't take it that way. I'm just saying everyone has a CHOICE. I've had chances to take pills, smoke pot etc. It was offered to me, it was right in front of me, it was free. I CHOSE to NOT do it. I didn't have a perfect childhood either. I was ridiculed my entire childhood, made fun of. My dreams were stupid & impossible. I had/have all kinds of problems in my life since. My husband was electrocuted 4 years after we were married -- he was 23, I was 22 and my daughter was 18 months old when it happened (now she's a drug addict). I still chose to not do drugs. If anyone had a reason, it was me!
Now I must say at this point that having Jesus Christ in my life & heart certainly helped me to not do those things. I can't take all the credit. But I did still have a choice.
My point is, why do we keep allowing the addicts to blame us?!?! We did NOT make that choice for them, THEY DID. Now they have themselves in a mess & they say it's OUR fault?! We need to stop owning this blame!
I hope this makes sense...
Good morning Bryn .. i just wanted to say i am thinking of you .. have been off n on and hoping you are doing alright ..
i can see how you would blame yourself ..i used to blame myself for some things as a parant that my daughter and i went through .. but the more i work my program the more clear it is becoming that she still made the choice in how to handle things .. she chose wrong .. and it is her choices that are making her miserable ..
i spent years blaming my parants for things they had done .. didn't do .. and i Know at the time i made them feel so guilty.. i had the sympathy even of my siblings.. supporting me while telling them how bad i'd had it and how my parant's ignore me etc.. blah blah .. what did they ignore ? only real issues that were problems in Them .. not me .. they didn't know how to communicate on some subjects and they had no program .. if they could have done better.. They would have .. now later on down the road. here i am .. edgin on 40 ... and now i realise .. it was my own stuff that was so wrong. i did have choices and my own choices got me no where.. and how horrible i'd been to them .. and how can i make those days up.. all i can do is make a change through alanon where i'm learning to take that ole splinter out of my own eye Before helping another take it outta theirs..
go easy on yourself Bryn .. you said yes to drugs .. but i'm sure you didn't realise the ride you were in for .. i'm sure your daughter didn't either.. and sometimes these hard, painful lessons build incredible character in the end .. your daughter will learn the hard way yes.. but who's to say she won't be doubly blessed someday and helping others.. we never know . try not to judge good, bad, right, wrong.. you are not alone .. neither is she ..
i feel your pain when i read your posts . anger usually is a reaction of fear..and who wouldn't fear for their daughter/son/partner etc.. family member... but don't let it control you, take the control back from it ..
i know you are a good person mom .. i sense it .. you have a huge, kind and loving heart..
stay strong over there and sane too .. thinking of you .. & hope to hear from you soon .. love, lyn
i can see how you would blame yourself ..i used to blame myself for some things as a parant that my daughter and i went through .. but the more i work my program the more clear it is becoming that she still made the choice in how to handle things .. she chose wrong .. and it is her choices that are making her miserable ..
i spent years blaming my parants for things they had done .. didn't do .. and i Know at the time i made them feel so guilty.. i had the sympathy even of my siblings.. supporting me while telling them how bad i'd had it and how my parant's ignore me etc.. blah blah .. what did they ignore ? only real issues that were problems in Them .. not me .. they didn't know how to communicate on some subjects and they had no program .. if they could have done better.. They would have .. now later on down the road. here i am .. edgin on 40 ... and now i realise .. it was my own stuff that was so wrong. i did have choices and my own choices got me no where.. and how horrible i'd been to them .. and how can i make those days up.. all i can do is make a change through alanon where i'm learning to take that ole splinter out of my own eye Before helping another take it outta theirs..
go easy on yourself Bryn .. you said yes to drugs .. but i'm sure you didn't realise the ride you were in for .. i'm sure your daughter didn't either.. and sometimes these hard, painful lessons build incredible character in the end .. your daughter will learn the hard way yes.. but who's to say she won't be doubly blessed someday and helping others.. we never know . try not to judge good, bad, right, wrong.. you are not alone .. neither is she ..
i feel your pain when i read your posts . anger usually is a reaction of fear..and who wouldn't fear for their daughter/son/partner etc.. family member... but don't let it control you, take the control back from it ..
i know you are a good person mom .. i sense it .. you have a huge, kind and loving heart..
stay strong over there and sane too .. thinking of you .. & hope to hear from you soon .. love, lyn
Sorry to take the topic off you Bryn.... just wanted to share that we shouldn't accept the blame that is offered to us on a silver platter... got off on a tangent about my own life.... sorry....
Lynnette,
Just jumped on real quick. Thanks so much for caring. Same for Susan, and Cpvon. I'm still hanging. Oh sure I am one angry, mean, nasty chick. Seriously I am. I'm getting it though finally. I have to just chill on this situation because the second I try and contact my child it turns into chaos. Either by her purposely not answering me or her dad going on a tangent. Not needing that.
Here's one thing as an example, and I know it's stupid, and I'm reading too far into it, but it struck me all the seme.
My daughter has slept with a photograph of my dad next to her bed since the day he died. While the big fallout went down and she came back to get her things I noticed she left the photo of my dad. Later I did not see it there. Here my mom took it and moved it. I had asked the kid why she didn't bring it with and she replied my mom would have gotten mad. My mom on the other hand was mad she didn't take it. Nobody can win around here.
So after asking for more of her things she asked me to get her photograph album. I did find it, but due to fighting with her dad I didn't see her. Well, she called and asked for it again, and one more time after that. See my daughter was raised to not ask for anything if someone doesn't want to give it to you. She has adhered to that. EXCEPT with this book. Not that I was not going to give it to her. It's HERS. I figured well it must be awful important she has asked for this a few times.
*********HERE'S THE GIST!!!!! I look in the album and I know all these pictures because I took EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!!!! They're in a sort of order. Her as a baby, her and my dad, her and her dad, her and my mom, her and dance school, and theater camp, and vocal stuff, and two of the programs I had her in, and awards at school, and boyfriend one and boyfriend two. One of my brothers and nephews with her in it. ONE!!!!!!*************
Now this is NUTS. I am NUTS, but I'm paging through them and there's not one lousy, single, lone photograph of me. Not me and her. Not me and the kids, not me and my parents and her. NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am absent and looking at all those photographs which I was present for and mostly took I'm sorry but HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K. they are only pictures, but for me what's behind them means something. I should not have to prove me to me, but I found myself counting. 153!!!!!!!!
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE!!!!!!!!!! Pictures that is, and mind ya for each one I was there. Mostly I took them, but I want to slam that book on her head and say "I was a rotten mom, and you hate me then ya must have forgotten I was at every single one of these events, and mind ya we didn't take pictures of Doctors visits, and shopping trips, and me up all night or sleeping next to your bed when you had ear infections or where crying over a boy. I didn't snap pictures daily. How's it work out I am the bad guy?
Yes, NUTS I know, but hey I am honest and that's what I felt about that. I may as well never talk to a freaking person again in my life. My one brother, my daughter, newsy neighbors.
I know none of that makes sense, but it's how I feel.
Oh, and Cpvon I don't blame anyone for my drug use except ME!!!!! It was my choice. I took it. I did it. I loved that drug. It's a bone of contention I know we went over about child sexual assault and do we blame our abusrers for our use. I know in my heart of hearts that is why I did do the drug. I've had counseling. I've been to women organizations against rape. I KNOW I did it to cover up that atrocity, and to blank out it could happen to my child. However it was all my choice, and I know people who were sexually abused as kids who never touched drugs. That's my stuff. Just me, and it got me clean when I understood it. I don't blame anyone for my drug use though.
Thanks you guys for caring. I have not seen or talked to my daughter now for weeks. It's her life. I am no longer begging, apologizing or going to yell at her because I can't yell if I don't know where the heck she is.
Ditching me, dumping me, criticizing me is fine, but to purposely ignore my mother and my brother that's wrong. To have my mom have to go in to where that kid works and it's a place she HAS to go to, and we've been going to for twenty-five years and have her little friends in there ignore my mom makes me livid. Thankfully the older people that work there know us, and know that big trap kid is a pain in the arse. Four seperate people have told me when she starts dissing my mom and I and talking about me as a scum bag each one of them set her young, condescending butt straight and told her to shut it as they've know me their entire lives and REMEMBER daily how all I did was live for this wretched little wench.
Maybe I'll freaking just die soon and be over all this crap. For real. Nothing like a slap in the face from your only child who chooses to only recall bad things.
I truly don't like that kid.
Just jumped on real quick. Thanks so much for caring. Same for Susan, and Cpvon. I'm still hanging. Oh sure I am one angry, mean, nasty chick. Seriously I am. I'm getting it though finally. I have to just chill on this situation because the second I try and contact my child it turns into chaos. Either by her purposely not answering me or her dad going on a tangent. Not needing that.
Here's one thing as an example, and I know it's stupid, and I'm reading too far into it, but it struck me all the seme.
My daughter has slept with a photograph of my dad next to her bed since the day he died. While the big fallout went down and she came back to get her things I noticed she left the photo of my dad. Later I did not see it there. Here my mom took it and moved it. I had asked the kid why she didn't bring it with and she replied my mom would have gotten mad. My mom on the other hand was mad she didn't take it. Nobody can win around here.
So after asking for more of her things she asked me to get her photograph album. I did find it, but due to fighting with her dad I didn't see her. Well, she called and asked for it again, and one more time after that. See my daughter was raised to not ask for anything if someone doesn't want to give it to you. She has adhered to that. EXCEPT with this book. Not that I was not going to give it to her. It's HERS. I figured well it must be awful important she has asked for this a few times.
*********HERE'S THE GIST!!!!! I look in the album and I know all these pictures because I took EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!!!! They're in a sort of order. Her as a baby, her and my dad, her and her dad, her and my mom, her and dance school, and theater camp, and vocal stuff, and two of the programs I had her in, and awards at school, and boyfriend one and boyfriend two. One of my brothers and nephews with her in it. ONE!!!!!!*************
Now this is NUTS. I am NUTS, but I'm paging through them and there's not one lousy, single, lone photograph of me. Not me and her. Not me and the kids, not me and my parents and her. NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am absent and looking at all those photographs which I was present for and mostly took I'm sorry but HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K. they are only pictures, but for me what's behind them means something. I should not have to prove me to me, but I found myself counting. 153!!!!!!!!
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE!!!!!!!!!! Pictures that is, and mind ya for each one I was there. Mostly I took them, but I want to slam that book on her head and say "I was a rotten mom, and you hate me then ya must have forgotten I was at every single one of these events, and mind ya we didn't take pictures of Doctors visits, and shopping trips, and me up all night or sleeping next to your bed when you had ear infections or where crying over a boy. I didn't snap pictures daily. How's it work out I am the bad guy?
Yes, NUTS I know, but hey I am honest and that's what I felt about that. I may as well never talk to a freaking person again in my life. My one brother, my daughter, newsy neighbors.
I know none of that makes sense, but it's how I feel.
Oh, and Cpvon I don't blame anyone for my drug use except ME!!!!! It was my choice. I took it. I did it. I loved that drug. It's a bone of contention I know we went over about child sexual assault and do we blame our abusrers for our use. I know in my heart of hearts that is why I did do the drug. I've had counseling. I've been to women organizations against rape. I KNOW I did it to cover up that atrocity, and to blank out it could happen to my child. However it was all my choice, and I know people who were sexually abused as kids who never touched drugs. That's my stuff. Just me, and it got me clean when I understood it. I don't blame anyone for my drug use though.
Thanks you guys for caring. I have not seen or talked to my daughter now for weeks. It's her life. I am no longer begging, apologizing or going to yell at her because I can't yell if I don't know where the heck she is.
Ditching me, dumping me, criticizing me is fine, but to purposely ignore my mother and my brother that's wrong. To have my mom have to go in to where that kid works and it's a place she HAS to go to, and we've been going to for twenty-five years and have her little friends in there ignore my mom makes me livid. Thankfully the older people that work there know us, and know that big trap kid is a pain in the arse. Four seperate people have told me when she starts dissing my mom and I and talking about me as a scum bag each one of them set her young, condescending butt straight and told her to shut it as they've know me their entire lives and REMEMBER daily how all I did was live for this wretched little wench.
Maybe I'll freaking just die soon and be over all this crap. For real. Nothing like a slap in the face from your only child who chooses to only recall bad things.
I truly don't like that kid.
Hi Bryn,
I hope you didn't think I was talking about you personally when I said it's the addict's choice. I was talking about addicts in general -- & people in general, we all have CHOICES all the time about EVERYTHING. It makes me angry to see all these posts including mine, where we are all, whether addicts or not, hurting from other people trying to blame us for their bad choices!
How come we never get credit for any of their good choices?! Right?!
Unless people are little babies, we have choices -- even little children have choices & consequences -- and we need to take responsibility for our choices! Your daughter has choices. I believe she will someday regret leaving you out of her life right now.
You're kinda on the other side of the fence right now, with us, even though your daughter is not an addict (thank the good Lord). We have to learn to keep letting go, whether physically, mentally, socially, emotionally... so we can have some serenity in our lives.
About the photo album.... boy do I know how you feel with that one. I was always the one taking the pictures too, the Christmas movies, etc. Someday, some relative is going to say "why don't we have any pictures or movies of (me)?" Because I was taking them all!!!!
The other thing that bugs me too is that I pick out all of my grandaughter's gifts, because I know what she wants & likes. People pay me for the gifts but then they get the credit for giving her what she really wanted!! UGGGGGGG.....
I hope you didn't think I was talking about you personally when I said it's the addict's choice. I was talking about addicts in general -- & people in general, we all have CHOICES all the time about EVERYTHING. It makes me angry to see all these posts including mine, where we are all, whether addicts or not, hurting from other people trying to blame us for their bad choices!
How come we never get credit for any of their good choices?! Right?!
Unless people are little babies, we have choices -- even little children have choices & consequences -- and we need to take responsibility for our choices! Your daughter has choices. I believe she will someday regret leaving you out of her life right now.
You're kinda on the other side of the fence right now, with us, even though your daughter is not an addict (thank the good Lord). We have to learn to keep letting go, whether physically, mentally, socially, emotionally... so we can have some serenity in our lives.
About the photo album.... boy do I know how you feel with that one. I was always the one taking the pictures too, the Christmas movies, etc. Someday, some relative is going to say "why don't we have any pictures or movies of (me)?" Because I was taking them all!!!!
The other thing that bugs me too is that I pick out all of my grandaughter's gifts, because I know what she wants & likes. People pay me for the gifts but then they get the credit for giving her what she really wanted!! UGGGGGGG.....
she carries you in her heart Bryn .. buried as it may be.. sometimes we block out the most hurtful things .. yes she was hurt .. maybe still feeling it.. but Still .. she is Reacting through Recall .. Choosing to Stare at the past.. Putting the blame on your use to avoid accountability of her own and she is in victim status.. she is Creating her own little Victim Role.. as well as her own little Crisis.. i'm wondering .. how well does she know you .. did she Know you would look through that book and not see one picture of you ? remember the saying .. i will Not fall in with the alcoholic's craving for punishment to Relieve his/her own guilt.. Right now it's what she's doing .. punishing you .. and it seems to be working .. as long as you React to her She has no reason to be accountable .. she can Continue to Blame you .. She can walk away saying see i was right .. look how horrible my mother is .. bah .. you are Not Responsible for it and love ?? love is action bryn .. healthy love is nourishing .. Not destroying .. is she nourishing herself even ? being good to her ?? she's messed up in her thinking and it's all inside her somewhere just brushed to the side.. she doesn't have it together at this moment to give it, show it .. her thinking is so completely distorted.. don't look to her to be available for you emmotionally either.. she can't be right now .. and expecting signs from her while she's using to Show you she loves you is like they say .. Going to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread.. She's sick in it bryn .. don't let it make you sick too .. i won't keep bringing up alanon etc.. but the truth is .. how can you go through this All by yourself .. ofcourse you are angry .. she has totally dyssed you, your mom etc.. been rotten .. but she isn't in her right frame of mind .. and you won't be either when you are using up Everything in You to try to find a way to change her.. you cannot care for anyone else unless you really are Taking back the care of yourself.. and until you stop giving her power over you .. your emotions .. the punishing etc.. her dad isn't going to change.. and he's so unhealthy right now too .. but you really can .. here's the thing ..
it got me clean when I understood it.
understanding is the key .. when you Begin to understand genuinely the why's you begin to just heal . it's a natural process and forgiveness comes too .. forgiveness is Not for your daughter.. it's for you and with it you will finally have some peace and you Can live a good life whether the alcoholic in your life which at this point happens to be your daughter and her dad.. are still drinking or not . in other words being straight up asses.. anger is a poison .. it spreads and it hurts You more so than it hurts them .. Seeing the change in you will trigger a Different Reaction from them because their old ways of getting to you will no longer work .. they'll have to find new ones..
it's ok to be angry .. but try not to let it consume all of you and take over.. if you can .. is just healthier to Control the anger and not let it Control you .. just seems to me this is a situation that is bigger than you .. and you need to change the i into we.. we can make it through this .. hope you won't mind .. here's a reading from hope for today .. and please dont' see this as pushy .. i just care about your sanity .. it's a horrible feeling to be consumed.. an its fricken draining . i know .. been there.. try to replace some words with the users in your life.. if you can .. think of your daughter and the weapons she is using on you .. they are working for her..
One of my favorite alanon pamphlets is A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic. It discusses the "weapons" the alcoholic might use to relieve his or her anxiety or to create additional reasons to drink/use. These include the abilitiy to provoke anger and to arouse anxiety.
The alcoholic in my life used to arouse my anger and anxiety by criticizing me and breaking plans and promises. He ofen created scenes in public and was generally inconsistent and unreliable. Before Al Anon i allowed these behaviors .. these weapons.. to dictate how i felt and behaved. I took offense and had my feeings hurt. wouldn't i rather take joy and serenity from the tools of the program?
Eventually i stopped acting on my hurt feelings. Rather than displaying them to the alcoholic, I discussed them with my sponsor. I opted out of playing games, displaying defensive behavior, and feeling miserable. As long as i gave the alcoholic the power to hurt my feelings, he/she had control over my srenity. If I didn't give him/her permission to relieve his/her misery by attacking, I didn't play into his/her illness. I performed an exercise in detachment, which led to serenity and greater self esteem.
Thought for the Day ..
Detaching myself from a person with the flu protects me from catching the illness. Emotionally detaching from the alcoholism increases the likelihood that i won't catch an overabundance of anger and anxiety.
"The only way love can be retained is by family members learning not to suffer when drinking is in progress and refusing to undo the consequences of drinking." A guide for the family of the alcoholic.. / addict..
hope i don't come off as telling you what to do .. i don't mean it this way .. that is entirely your call .. i'm always here to listen too bryn .. hang in there.. stay strong.. love, lyn
it got me clean when I understood it.
understanding is the key .. when you Begin to understand genuinely the why's you begin to just heal . it's a natural process and forgiveness comes too .. forgiveness is Not for your daughter.. it's for you and with it you will finally have some peace and you Can live a good life whether the alcoholic in your life which at this point happens to be your daughter and her dad.. are still drinking or not . in other words being straight up asses.. anger is a poison .. it spreads and it hurts You more so than it hurts them .. Seeing the change in you will trigger a Different Reaction from them because their old ways of getting to you will no longer work .. they'll have to find new ones..
it's ok to be angry .. but try not to let it consume all of you and take over.. if you can .. is just healthier to Control the anger and not let it Control you .. just seems to me this is a situation that is bigger than you .. and you need to change the i into we.. we can make it through this .. hope you won't mind .. here's a reading from hope for today .. and please dont' see this as pushy .. i just care about your sanity .. it's a horrible feeling to be consumed.. an its fricken draining . i know .. been there.. try to replace some words with the users in your life.. if you can .. think of your daughter and the weapons she is using on you .. they are working for her..
One of my favorite alanon pamphlets is A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic. It discusses the "weapons" the alcoholic might use to relieve his or her anxiety or to create additional reasons to drink/use. These include the abilitiy to provoke anger and to arouse anxiety.
The alcoholic in my life used to arouse my anger and anxiety by criticizing me and breaking plans and promises. He ofen created scenes in public and was generally inconsistent and unreliable. Before Al Anon i allowed these behaviors .. these weapons.. to dictate how i felt and behaved. I took offense and had my feeings hurt. wouldn't i rather take joy and serenity from the tools of the program?
Eventually i stopped acting on my hurt feelings. Rather than displaying them to the alcoholic, I discussed them with my sponsor. I opted out of playing games, displaying defensive behavior, and feeling miserable. As long as i gave the alcoholic the power to hurt my feelings, he/she had control over my srenity. If I didn't give him/her permission to relieve his/her misery by attacking, I didn't play into his/her illness. I performed an exercise in detachment, which led to serenity and greater self esteem.
Thought for the Day ..
Detaching myself from a person with the flu protects me from catching the illness. Emotionally detaching from the alcoholism increases the likelihood that i won't catch an overabundance of anger and anxiety.
"The only way love can be retained is by family members learning not to suffer when drinking is in progress and refusing to undo the consequences of drinking." A guide for the family of the alcoholic.. / addict..
hope i don't come off as telling you what to do .. i don't mean it this way .. that is entirely your call .. i'm always here to listen too bryn .. hang in there.. stay strong.. love, lyn
Oh you two excellent, and kind lasies I never see you as pushy or telling me what to do. I have nothing but a grateful heart you care about me.
Lynnette, that is profound that thought for today. I really like that and am going to meditate on it later tonight. You've been there. You've had my anger so you know how it consumes you. I'm so appreciative you want to give back and help someone through it. Ohhhhh my sanity is just O-KEY-DOKEY. HAHA Nah, it never was, but carrying around all this anger won't help any.
I have to say you sound like my mom a bit. She has said "She's not in her right mind. We have to help her. It's just like when you were on drugs". Well, yeah so I tried and you tried and the boys tried, and our friends tried, and what? So, that's on her.
What's weird is if anything, and it's not a huge deal, but I have always been kind to people. I'm an empathetic person. I suppose that's why random people are nice to me and go out of their way with small everyday things. Seems my daughter is verbally attacking me and my mom. Man, if YOU KNEW HOW MY FAMILY IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean you NEVER air your dirty laundry EVER. I mean to a FAULT and Ms. Tres will tell ya that.
Well, my daughter has found I guess airing it and bad mouthing us works for her. Apparently though it ain't working with people that know me and I had several people approach me gingerly on it. Knowing us they know to keep it on the down low so when she kevetches to her young people she's had a few older ones stop her in her tracks. I don't expect anyone to take my back, but one told her if she chose to talk about me to do it elsewhere. One went off on her saying "You're kidding me? I knew your mom before you were BORN, and it's you got a bad attitude" to "Yo, yo that's a person right there has been good to me, and seems lived for YOU so you need to can it".
Ughhghghhhhh, so yes Lynnette I can see where you have learned and I will ignore other people and just put my hand up like "Thanks, BUT Shhhhhhhh". HA
Focus on living right, and plain old releasing this anger up and away.
Cpvon, you could kick my tail and I would not be angry with you. LOL You know I have mad, mad respect for you. I appreciate your kindness. I completely understand. Oh, and yeah with the photos. I never minded not being in them. I mean I am in some. I enjoyed recording all the events with pictures. Even just everyday stuff like at the playground. I just felt like ONE????????
Lynnette, I don't think she did it on purpose to hurt me not put me in her picture book. Oh, and I am now fighting this urge as you know to say: "They're MY pictures. I bought the film, and I had them developed, and I paid for this album".
Come on you know I want to say that. LOL I won't though.
They're just pictures. In the scheme of things no big deal.
BUT she definately, definately put that picture on the myspace on purpose. I believe that in my heart. Yeah, just slap your face on there with you reclining on a bed and smoking a ciggie with your new nails. It's almost comical if it was not SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, yeah we see you smoking and yeah we see your acrylic nails.
That may not be a big deal to anyone, but with her it is. She HATED acrylic nails on people, and would judge them, and then delve into the medical aspect of how you could get an infection. I used to beg her NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE.
Ohhhhhh, all those girls were hussies and drunks, and cheap with those nails.
Well, now they are promptly displayed. LOL That's definately for any of us, and that means my family or our dear friends. So, yeah it's a dig. It's saying "I DID NOT APPLY TO ANY OF THOSE SCHOOLS. I AM COOL AND SMOKE. I NOW AGREE WITH THE HUSSIES. Then A-OH-KAY!!! Better than judging other people.
Ohhhhhh, I will chill, and thanks so much Lynnette, and Cpvon. This is getting so old. I hate this.
Lynnette, that is profound that thought for today. I really like that and am going to meditate on it later tonight. You've been there. You've had my anger so you know how it consumes you. I'm so appreciative you want to give back and help someone through it. Ohhhhh my sanity is just O-KEY-DOKEY. HAHA Nah, it never was, but carrying around all this anger won't help any.
I have to say you sound like my mom a bit. She has said "She's not in her right mind. We have to help her. It's just like when you were on drugs". Well, yeah so I tried and you tried and the boys tried, and our friends tried, and what? So, that's on her.
What's weird is if anything, and it's not a huge deal, but I have always been kind to people. I'm an empathetic person. I suppose that's why random people are nice to me and go out of their way with small everyday things. Seems my daughter is verbally attacking me and my mom. Man, if YOU KNEW HOW MY FAMILY IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean you NEVER air your dirty laundry EVER. I mean to a FAULT and Ms. Tres will tell ya that.
Well, my daughter has found I guess airing it and bad mouthing us works for her. Apparently though it ain't working with people that know me and I had several people approach me gingerly on it. Knowing us they know to keep it on the down low so when she kevetches to her young people she's had a few older ones stop her in her tracks. I don't expect anyone to take my back, but one told her if she chose to talk about me to do it elsewhere. One went off on her saying "You're kidding me? I knew your mom before you were BORN, and it's you got a bad attitude" to "Yo, yo that's a person right there has been good to me, and seems lived for YOU so you need to can it".
Ughhghghhhhh, so yes Lynnette I can see where you have learned and I will ignore other people and just put my hand up like "Thanks, BUT Shhhhhhhh". HA
Focus on living right, and plain old releasing this anger up and away.
Cpvon, you could kick my tail and I would not be angry with you. LOL You know I have mad, mad respect for you. I appreciate your kindness. I completely understand. Oh, and yeah with the photos. I never minded not being in them. I mean I am in some. I enjoyed recording all the events with pictures. Even just everyday stuff like at the playground. I just felt like ONE????????
Lynnette, I don't think she did it on purpose to hurt me not put me in her picture book. Oh, and I am now fighting this urge as you know to say: "They're MY pictures. I bought the film, and I had them developed, and I paid for this album".
Come on you know I want to say that. LOL I won't though.
They're just pictures. In the scheme of things no big deal.
BUT she definately, definately put that picture on the myspace on purpose. I believe that in my heart. Yeah, just slap your face on there with you reclining on a bed and smoking a ciggie with your new nails. It's almost comical if it was not SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, yeah we see you smoking and yeah we see your acrylic nails.
That may not be a big deal to anyone, but with her it is. She HATED acrylic nails on people, and would judge them, and then delve into the medical aspect of how you could get an infection. I used to beg her NOT TO JUDGE ANYONE.
Ohhhhhh, all those girls were hussies and drunks, and cheap with those nails.
Well, now they are promptly displayed. LOL That's definately for any of us, and that means my family or our dear friends. So, yeah it's a dig. It's saying "I DID NOT APPLY TO ANY OF THOSE SCHOOLS. I AM COOL AND SMOKE. I NOW AGREE WITH THE HUSSIES. Then A-OH-KAY!!! Better than judging other people.
Ohhhhhh, I will chill, and thanks so much Lynnette, and Cpvon. This is getting so old. I hate this.
Bryn if the miditating doesn't work. Get you a pile of bricks and a hammer and make some gravel. Really works wonders to relieve the anger.
bryn .. lol with the sanity okee dokee .. my own was tested today too . and it was not a pretty picture.. i don't always remember my program .. today was one of those days.. my own teenager sent me from good to Ugly in mock 12.. she has an attitude Big time somedays..
i hope you honestly know i'm in No way saying you're not justified in your feelings.. please don't think that . i don't think you do .. i'm sure your daughter has sent you to that point where you wanna just come unglued.. but really im only pointing out as gently as i can that .. All the things you are doing haven't worked so far and they probably won't .. it's sorta like when i was with rob screaming yelling insulting blaming sweet talking reasoning crying laughing being funny cleaning .. nothing helped because neither one of us was being really reasonable.. as for helping her .. there's just honestly genuinely only One way to really help our kids.. and that's to help ourselves.. if we don't Take the care .. we won't be able to Pass it on .. because we won't have it in our grip . therefore.. we just Won't be able to help .. insanity continues the merry go round in which we will forget and think we can and thus the cycle continues.. they will most likely anyway keep rebelling .. all i'm really doing bryn is sharing my own personal experience.. in a sense .. my daughter doesn't do drugs.. But she was raised by an adult child of an alcoholic and therefore because of my past behavior in raising her .. almost like a control freak at times in the past.. it's like she's on them sometimes .. the alcoholic in my life hasn't drank in years but the behaviors are there in many ways.. hidden to the outside as they may be.. i was raised in somewhat of a drill sergeant way .. and i was Never able to give/share an opinion, feeling etc.. i was just sorta shut out .. and told i'm drama more or less.. it was pretty demeaning although now i know if this person coulda done better they woud have.. and the brunt of it came off on me because again i was the one that just had to fix everything .. it's just a crazy cycle in so far as Reacting goes.. saying things that are ridiculous .. trying to dole out justice to all of us in the house.. and then when she Finally reaches that point of getting us to react after we tire out .. then she pulls this look how good i am mom . see i am above you . i'm not reacting or responding and she's pretty forceful sometimes .. adament she will get her own way .. and with what she will and won't do .. she also towers above me in height.. i'm only 5'3.. she'a about 5'8 she gets so much and has usually always gotten things in her favor and when it comes to my own meetings that is when we go rounds.. she refuses to watch my 3 year old while i go to the meetings and trying to get her to understand the improved mother she will get back is like trying to reason with the alcoholic.. it's like she wants to remain in misery .. point blank .. she's pissed off at me for the years he was here.. feels i neglected her.. at times i did .. too many times i put him first.. when he was gone i wasn't there emotionally i was miserable .. but staring back at the past won't help us move forward.. i can no longer blame myself for things i did in the past.. all i can do is learn and make a change for today so we have a better tomorrow.. i'm much better at not reacting to her but sometimes we have our days and today was definitely one of them .. but without my recovery and me making the change we will never get past this... funny now my not reacting makes her somedays neurotic.. she's nearly 18 .. and wants that dig..
i know full well bryn that my talking alanon gets a little like oh there goes lynn again . lol but the thing is .. what i'm realizing is the difference between the meetings and the other things i have tried in the past, that it works through grace.. and when we figure out why we handle things the way we do or react etc.. that's when we understand, change, forgive.. move forward . and then people do begin to listen more.. even our kids. i wish i could just hand you a cupfull on a silver platter and give you a taste of what i've experienced.. what may seem like just a meeting to some has really been a miracle for me and i just want to share it .. i see things differantly than i used to .. not perfectly .. but progressively better..
anyway woman .. i care about you .. and really wish you some inner peace over there.. it's one day at a time .. if i lived closer i'd come get that gravel with you hurt dad was talking about .. i haven't tried that one yet.. i'd a cheered you on while drinking my morning coffee.. bahhh you know i woulda brought two cups though for your break time lol .. =0 ok just a little lighthearted ism.. not overly sarcastic .. just lightened ;-) ..
peace out bryn .. love, lyn
i hope you honestly know i'm in No way saying you're not justified in your feelings.. please don't think that . i don't think you do .. i'm sure your daughter has sent you to that point where you wanna just come unglued.. but really im only pointing out as gently as i can that .. All the things you are doing haven't worked so far and they probably won't .. it's sorta like when i was with rob screaming yelling insulting blaming sweet talking reasoning crying laughing being funny cleaning .. nothing helped because neither one of us was being really reasonable.. as for helping her .. there's just honestly genuinely only One way to really help our kids.. and that's to help ourselves.. if we don't Take the care .. we won't be able to Pass it on .. because we won't have it in our grip . therefore.. we just Won't be able to help .. insanity continues the merry go round in which we will forget and think we can and thus the cycle continues.. they will most likely anyway keep rebelling .. all i'm really doing bryn is sharing my own personal experience.. in a sense .. my daughter doesn't do drugs.. But she was raised by an adult child of an alcoholic and therefore because of my past behavior in raising her .. almost like a control freak at times in the past.. it's like she's on them sometimes .. the alcoholic in my life hasn't drank in years but the behaviors are there in many ways.. hidden to the outside as they may be.. i was raised in somewhat of a drill sergeant way .. and i was Never able to give/share an opinion, feeling etc.. i was just sorta shut out .. and told i'm drama more or less.. it was pretty demeaning although now i know if this person coulda done better they woud have.. and the brunt of it came off on me because again i was the one that just had to fix everything .. it's just a crazy cycle in so far as Reacting goes.. saying things that are ridiculous .. trying to dole out justice to all of us in the house.. and then when she Finally reaches that point of getting us to react after we tire out .. then she pulls this look how good i am mom . see i am above you . i'm not reacting or responding and she's pretty forceful sometimes .. adament she will get her own way .. and with what she will and won't do .. she also towers above me in height.. i'm only 5'3.. she'a about 5'8 she gets so much and has usually always gotten things in her favor and when it comes to my own meetings that is when we go rounds.. she refuses to watch my 3 year old while i go to the meetings and trying to get her to understand the improved mother she will get back is like trying to reason with the alcoholic.. it's like she wants to remain in misery .. point blank .. she's pissed off at me for the years he was here.. feels i neglected her.. at times i did .. too many times i put him first.. when he was gone i wasn't there emotionally i was miserable .. but staring back at the past won't help us move forward.. i can no longer blame myself for things i did in the past.. all i can do is learn and make a change for today so we have a better tomorrow.. i'm much better at not reacting to her but sometimes we have our days and today was definitely one of them .. but without my recovery and me making the change we will never get past this... funny now my not reacting makes her somedays neurotic.. she's nearly 18 .. and wants that dig..
i know full well bryn that my talking alanon gets a little like oh there goes lynn again . lol but the thing is .. what i'm realizing is the difference between the meetings and the other things i have tried in the past, that it works through grace.. and when we figure out why we handle things the way we do or react etc.. that's when we understand, change, forgive.. move forward . and then people do begin to listen more.. even our kids. i wish i could just hand you a cupfull on a silver platter and give you a taste of what i've experienced.. what may seem like just a meeting to some has really been a miracle for me and i just want to share it .. i see things differantly than i used to .. not perfectly .. but progressively better..
anyway woman .. i care about you .. and really wish you some inner peace over there.. it's one day at a time .. if i lived closer i'd come get that gravel with you hurt dad was talking about .. i haven't tried that one yet.. i'd a cheered you on while drinking my morning coffee.. bahhh you know i woulda brought two cups though for your break time lol .. =0 ok just a little lighthearted ism.. not overly sarcastic .. just lightened ;-) ..
peace out bryn .. love, lyn
