OK!! As you know, I have started going to Narcotics Anonymous.
Why do I go? To work the steps and be with others who are like me.
Where is my head at? Well, that is the all important question isn't it. I have come a long way on my own, but.... I still glorify drugs. I think of the good old days going to raves and getting totally off my head. I wish I could get away with it now. I think of all the trips and wish I could get away with it now. I secretly hope that one day in the future I can take mushrooms again. I think of just one can of special brew - just to get that feeling.
Now that kind of thinking is a desire to use. I don't care what my rational part says. The desire is still there. I am not right in the head!!
Yes, I am aware of the consequences and that is what stops me picking up, but I read on the NA literature that recovery actually removes the desire to use. It was then that it struck me that I still wish I could use.I have said to people many times that if drink and drugs were good for you, I would be off my head all the time.
Presumably that is insanity considering the state I have got myself in to due to substance abuse.
Therefore step one is going to be more of a challenge than I thought. I don't like to admit defeat. How dare chemicals be more powerful than me!!
I did actually think I had done step one the day I knocked it all on the head - 22 months ago today by the way!! Obviously not! There is a battle about to commence. Me versus drugs. This might take a while.....!!!!
Hi Lacey,
Recovery takes time. For me the obsession to drink and drug has been lifted. However, it did not happen overnight.
They say that you are not responsible for your first thought ....but you are responsible for your second thought. I find that going to a meeting and "telling on my disease" cuts the urge to drink or use in half or completely makes it vanish all together.
Remember, its a program of Honesty. We are only as sick as our secrets. When we let the group know we are struggling with thoughts of using...other sober people can give us their experience, strength and hope. I mean imagine that.....an addict having cravings to use !! :) It is natural for us as breathing.... It is what we do.
We can not think our way into a new way of acting...we have to act our way into a new way of thinking.
IEventually the cravings will fade. It doesn't mean they will never pop up. I still to this day can not look over a wine list....Man. I get mad cravings if I do that( and I have a few years under my belt.). But the day to day obsessing is gone and it is because I work a 12 step program on a daily basis.
Recovery is a journey , not a destination.
Just keep going to meetings... raise your hand ...and share with the group where you are on a regular basis....and please, don't quit before the miracle happens :)
Carolyn
Recovery takes time. For me the obsession to drink and drug has been lifted. However, it did not happen overnight.
They say that you are not responsible for your first thought ....but you are responsible for your second thought. I find that going to a meeting and "telling on my disease" cuts the urge to drink or use in half or completely makes it vanish all together.
Remember, its a program of Honesty. We are only as sick as our secrets. When we let the group know we are struggling with thoughts of using...other sober people can give us their experience, strength and hope. I mean imagine that.....an addict having cravings to use !! :) It is natural for us as breathing.... It is what we do.
We can not think our way into a new way of acting...we have to act our way into a new way of thinking.
IEventually the cravings will fade. It doesn't mean they will never pop up. I still to this day can not look over a wine list....Man. I get mad cravings if I do that( and I have a few years under my belt.). But the day to day obsessing is gone and it is because I work a 12 step program on a daily basis.
Recovery is a journey , not a destination.
Just keep going to meetings... raise your hand ...and share with the group where you are on a regular basis....and please, don't quit before the miracle happens :)
Carolyn
Hi Carolyn,
Thanks for your input. We have never chatted before so it was lovely to see a post from you!
I was definatley struggling with the desire to use, partly I think because I came out of hiding, started going out - loved being around folk again, but found the alcohol and the drugs were very sneakily closing in. I noticed I was making jokes about how drunk the apple juice was getting me and just tiny things like that which are little warning signs I reckon. Also, I haven't had much work the last couple of weeks and without the structure I can easily start to slip into chaotic ways which will lead to alcohol and drugs.
I want to be around people, but finding sober ones ain't easy - until now!! I'm off to a meeting this afternoon, it's a womens one actually so should be a bit different. The meetings seem to have put me back on track somewhat with my thinking, I have found the fellowship. It is amazing, just thinking about all those people in the same boat gives you courage.
Good to hear you have a few years under your belt, that's great, and well done!
And yes, it does seem to be something that is forever with us doesn't it. I think accepting that though would be quite liberating rather than trying to fight it all the time.
Thanks again, and I ain't gonna give up! No way. If I pick up, I loose everything I have built up and I just can't afford to do that in any way. It's a fine line we walk!
Thanks for your input. We have never chatted before so it was lovely to see a post from you!
I was definatley struggling with the desire to use, partly I think because I came out of hiding, started going out - loved being around folk again, but found the alcohol and the drugs were very sneakily closing in. I noticed I was making jokes about how drunk the apple juice was getting me and just tiny things like that which are little warning signs I reckon. Also, I haven't had much work the last couple of weeks and without the structure I can easily start to slip into chaotic ways which will lead to alcohol and drugs.
I want to be around people, but finding sober ones ain't easy - until now!! I'm off to a meeting this afternoon, it's a womens one actually so should be a bit different. The meetings seem to have put me back on track somewhat with my thinking, I have found the fellowship. It is amazing, just thinking about all those people in the same boat gives you courage.
Good to hear you have a few years under your belt, that's great, and well done!
And yes, it does seem to be something that is forever with us doesn't it. I think accepting that though would be quite liberating rather than trying to fight it all the time.
Thanks again, and I ain't gonna give up! No way. If I pick up, I loose everything I have built up and I just can't afford to do that in any way. It's a fine line we walk!
Gidday Lacey
If i could drink i would build a house out of it and swim in it 24/7, i love the stuff and since being in recovery i have learnt about more drugs that would take me to blackout quicker as this is my goal when i use oblivion nothing ness and the kicker is that death is my ultimate blackout and when i drink enough i want to die because the sadness and madness are overpowering.
I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and life for me is such a joy and fun now that i am sober and this will be my 12th xmas sober it works if i work at it and am honest with myself, my mind and meetings....embrace acceptance, store gratitude and give away smiles inwardly and outwardly.
One day you will think heck i havent thought about using lately...the desire goes after awhile...reminders are always there but so is recovery.
Enjoy the real you:)
light and love Zac
If i could drink i would build a house out of it and swim in it 24/7, i love the stuff and since being in recovery i have learnt about more drugs that would take me to blackout quicker as this is my goal when i use oblivion nothing ness and the kicker is that death is my ultimate blackout and when i drink enough i want to die because the sadness and madness are overpowering.
I am powerless over drugs and alcohol and life for me is such a joy and fun now that i am sober and this will be my 12th xmas sober it works if i work at it and am honest with myself, my mind and meetings....embrace acceptance, store gratitude and give away smiles inwardly and outwardly.
One day you will think heck i havent thought about using lately...the desire goes after awhile...reminders are always there but so is recovery.
Enjoy the real you:)
light and love Zac
Hi Lacey,
Your post made me cry! Because it's just so honest! It's just how I feel to. And it scares me. Because like Zac said it is death for me! This why I don't understand why do I still sometimes want to drink or take a toke. I think it's because I did for so many yrs. my brain has so many file folders saved.
At least I'm not thinking about it every minute of the day! I always go full circle with step one. I'm powerless over alcohol and if I smoke weed I want some beers to go with it. I'm also powerless over people places & things. I have the power to stay away from that first drink with the help of my HP who I call God.
I'm glad you found a place that you belong. I keep thinking of heading back to AA. I never thought when I was sitting in one of those meetings. I could share about that I'm still craving alcohol. Like Avon gal said it's as natural as we breath. But for this Alkie it means if I continue to drink I won't be breathing.
Love Your Friend, Chris
Your post made me cry! Because it's just so honest! It's just how I feel to. And it scares me. Because like Zac said it is death for me! This why I don't understand why do I still sometimes want to drink or take a toke. I think it's because I did for so many yrs. my brain has so many file folders saved.
At least I'm not thinking about it every minute of the day! I always go full circle with step one. I'm powerless over alcohol and if I smoke weed I want some beers to go with it. I'm also powerless over people places & things. I have the power to stay away from that first drink with the help of my HP who I call God.
I'm glad you found a place that you belong. I keep thinking of heading back to AA. I never thought when I was sitting in one of those meetings. I could share about that I'm still craving alcohol. Like Avon gal said it's as natural as we breath. But for this Alkie it means if I continue to drink I won't be breathing.
Love Your Friend, Chris
| QUOTE |
| Why do I go? To work the steps and be with others who are like me. |
That seems to be the magic of The Program. People helping people and, in doing so, finding themselves.
Incredibly simple--and so difficult to let happen. I love the freedom from the chains of myself and the reprieve I receive as long as I maintain that spiritualism.
Ooo, I like that skg....the freedom from the chains of myself.
I popped to my neighbours the other day for a quick cup of tea. She bought out a piece of cake for me too. 'Oh no' came into my head because I knew what would happen - sugar addiction!! I ate it because it felt the right thing to do. But that sweetness did something to me and the day after thoughts of chocolate started coming into my head. I haven't touched the stuff for a month or two because amazingly enough I can't control that either!! I was out last night and there was a little buffet thing - with this massive chocolate cake. It was black because there was so much chocolate in it! Too much, I gave in to temptation.
Today, chocolate was calling again. My moms distant cousin or something bought me some chocolates for christmas. Most of them, I won't eat because they are milk chocolate, but one sort is half milk, half dark. This afternoon, I find myself unwrapping every single one of these ones, bent over the bin, cutting off the milk chocolate bit and eating the dark chocolate - not even enjoying it, just getting rid of the them because I can't help it. What a strange scenario I thought.
This leads me back to step one. I cannot even control sugar intake, once I have it, that's it I'm back on it. Abstinence is the only way. Have to battle tomorrow now with the cravings. If this happens with sugar, then man, the alcohol and the drugs are definatley a problem. Somehow, it feels easier to admit today that I am powerless over drugs.
Mmmmm.....
I popped to my neighbours the other day for a quick cup of tea. She bought out a piece of cake for me too. 'Oh no' came into my head because I knew what would happen - sugar addiction!! I ate it because it felt the right thing to do. But that sweetness did something to me and the day after thoughts of chocolate started coming into my head. I haven't touched the stuff for a month or two because amazingly enough I can't control that either!! I was out last night and there was a little buffet thing - with this massive chocolate cake. It was black because there was so much chocolate in it! Too much, I gave in to temptation.
Today, chocolate was calling again. My moms distant cousin or something bought me some chocolates for christmas. Most of them, I won't eat because they are milk chocolate, but one sort is half milk, half dark. This afternoon, I find myself unwrapping every single one of these ones, bent over the bin, cutting off the milk chocolate bit and eating the dark chocolate - not even enjoying it, just getting rid of the them because I can't help it. What a strange scenario I thought.
This leads me back to step one. I cannot even control sugar intake, once I have it, that's it I'm back on it. Abstinence is the only way. Have to battle tomorrow now with the cravings. If this happens with sugar, then man, the alcohol and the drugs are definatley a problem. Somehow, it feels easier to admit today that I am powerless over drugs.
Mmmmm.....
I know what you mean. Sugar! Skittles, chocolate, gimme a buzz. Something stronger, please? Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're sober--and thinking sobriety. That's worth something!
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're sober--and thinking sobriety. That's worth something!
Yeah, I just don't want to put on any pounds again!! Only just lost the last lot that piled on from sugar bingeing - chocolates, biscuits and apple crumbles!!
By the way - Zac - 12th sober christmas....WOW!!!! Good on ya!!!
By the way - Zac - 12th sober christmas....WOW!!!! Good on ya!!!
