Letting go is one of the hardest things for us to do ... because somehow we believe if we let them go that we are betraying them, that we are abandoning them, deserting them if you will ... We associate letting go as a UNLOVING, Uncaring, cold, cruel act on our behalf ...
But it is none of the above
Let me ask you a few questions: Honesty is important here.
How long have you known about your loved ones addiction?
How long have you been trying to fix their broken-ness via enabling, rescuing, begging, pleading .. etc (you get the idea)
How has it helped you?
How has it helped them?
Has it hurt you more than it has helped them?
In the beginning when we know not what to do for them we do all that we can for them ... from our hearts and in the name of love ... We just can't stand to see them so down ... and we help for God knows how long before we realize our help that we gave them (in whatever form, money, buying them cars, paying rent, letting them move in, protecting, rescuing) hasn't helped at all ... they are still using drugs and on a deeper level ... they haven't gotten better ... they've gotten worse ...
and what we don't realize is ... that we've been unknowingly abducted by addiction .. theirs first ... which in turn started ours ... ours is them
Their addicted to dope, we get sucked in trying to help them ... and get dragged along for the ride and in the process we give birth to our addiction to them ...
We spend countless hours worrying, wondering, thinking about, calling around, talking about, driving around, hunting down our addicted loved one ...
We give them money to help them out of financial problems, buy them cars, food, pay rent, buy clothes, send them money to come home, give them money to go away, pay for this or that ... money here, money there ... and all the time we don't realize that we are helping keep the dope man in business (definitly not our intentions) although I highly doubt the dope man would miss our business much if we didn't do all these things for our addict ... but at the very least this should piss ya off .. knowing that your hard earned money that you hand over to your loved one to help them out of a bind more than likely 99.9 percent of the time gets handed over to the dope man ...
You are paying for the drug you hate ... the very drug that your husband/wife/son/daughter/etc is on and the very drug you want them off of ... the very drug that is taking them down ... Your very addicted loved one is taking the money you give them and buying dope from the dope man and using ... they are not only using you for your money, but using the dope ... that you paid for ... (that oughta be like a reality slap in the face) Get pissed off here .. and don't give em anymore money ... (if you find you can't resist the urge to fix them ... if it is a bill they need money for ... go pay the bill yourself and make sure the money goes for what it is supposed to ... ) I don't recommend paying bills for them though ... because generally the reason they don't have the money for the bill in the first place is because they spent it on dope ... ) If an addict knows he/she can count on you to cover their a** they will joyfully spend their money on dope and let you be responsible for their responsibilitys ...
Reminder: Just because someone is on dope doesn't mean their stupid ... (actually addicts are calculating, clever, skilled in the art of manipulation, and can con a blind man out of his cane ...) We become survivors of sorts ... we fight with all we've got to keep our addiction fed ... and if we can get us a willing, giving enabler on our hook .. we will feed them down and out stories, hang our head and wait for them to offer their help (we know they will) and once you hand over that money ... shortly afterwards (take note of how all of a sudden we gotta leave) and once out of your sight ... the hangin head lifts, the frown turns into a smile ... and we're doin' the snoopy dance all the way to the dealers house ... THIS HIGHS ON YOU -
This is reality folks ... this is the way it is ... You can't stand to see your addicted loved one so low ...low is what he is in front of you ... HIGH is what he becomes once he has your money ...
Addicts are LIARS ... We have to be ... after all if your son came to you and said, MOM, I need money for dope, oh and by the way can you pay my rent cause I just spent all my money smokin' meth ... Are you going to say "sure honey, no prob, here is money for dope and here's rent money" oh, and have a great day getting high ... I'll see ya next time you need dope money" ... (MAN, that would be an addicts dream come true), but HELL no that isn't going to happen now is it? ... although I do know some people that feel so sorry for the addict that they do hand em money to get high just so they can see him/her happy ...if even for a brief moment ... but we lie because we have to try to hide and protect our addiction at all cost ... WE CANNOT BE HONEST WITH YOU ... hell we can't even be honest with ourselves, lies, lies and more lies ... we sometimes even adopt the lies we told and they become a reality for us ...
An addict with no money, nothing to pawn, dope almost gone or gone is a DESPERATE ADDICT and it is then that the mind crosses boundaries and the addict follows the mind into a whole other realm of sickness ... and we reach a whatever I gotta do to keep drugs in my system I will do ... because I need it to live ... We actually feel like we will go absolutely insane and die if we don't have our dope ...
We don't realize that we are already pretty much crazy and our killing ourselves ...
but back to letting go being twofold ... If you let go of enabling your addicted loved one and being responsible for their OWN LIFE ... let them spiral down, let them reach bottom, even if they take a shovel and dig themselves in deeper ... SO BE IT ... their addiction is going to take them their regardless ... down is the only direction an addict can go .. and if they don't seem to be there now ... time is the key ... they will get there in time ...
You can't save them ... but you can save you ... If you don't know what to do ... read, eductate yourself ... read all about addiction, enabling, co-dependency, find a coda meeting in your area ... and go .. Nar-Anon meeting (for those that have addicted loved ones) find one and go ...
If you are having a hard time letting go of your addicted loved one ... force yourself ... go to the meetings get some tools and pry yourself free ... because not only is his/her addiction taking you down with it .. but now you've got an addiction of your own and (the addict) and helping him out .. If you look at the simularities there really not that different ... think about it for a bit ..
For the addict it is all about the dope
For you it is all about the addict
Letting go is a twofolder ... because you allow the addict to hit bottom without trying to save, cushion, stop the fall ... You let him feel the consequences on his shoulders and no longer are willing to carry the burden on yours...
You in turn are free to live your life without it revolving around what he/she is or isn't doing .. without it bringing you down on a daily basis ... with out it making you so sick that you can barely hang on to a want or will to live ... Your world stops revolving around HIM/HER
and gets back on track ... you doing what you need to do for you and your life ... you being able to laugh, be happy, smile and live for something other than what is going on with the addict now... YOU ACTUALLY TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE and give yourself permission to be happy regardless ...
Twofolder ... let go of him ... grab on to you .. and LIVE
You'll get well .. he'll/she'll will be free to fall as far as need be without you holding on to keep her/him dangling just so they won't hit ground ... Nope, you'll let em fall and hope the impact hurts bad enough that they'll finally want out ... Of course there is the fear that maybe the impact will be so great that it might even kill them (that is a big fear factor that keeps us hooked into trying to save the addict), but the sad truth is ... some will lose their lives to drugs ... some will die ... but we don't have to hand them money or support the very habit that can take their life ... and we surely don't have to go down with them ...
Remember: as long as there is breath ... there is hope.
Passion
Oh, how I wish I had all that info before I made all those mistakes. Thank you, Passion, for always posting REALITY. It helps us figure out faster what not to do.
once again passion you are a Godsend........although i haven't been helping my addict in the financial sense for a while i do contribute in other waysie.still acting as if nothing is wrong when she's trying to make me believe she is clean,and the real scary part for me is that she wants me to move back in with her knowing that i am an addict and that just being in her presence sems to be a gateway for opening my cravings
Deebee, please stay strong...you don't need to go back and move in with her. You need to focus on you right now. She'll come round when she's ready; but in the meantime..think of yourself for now. You deserve to have a brand new life..and it really can be great. My daughter is an addict..it breaks my heart that she's on the other side of the fence...but I wouldn't want anyone to live in hell just because, for now, she's there. Work on you. Think of you. You've been a slave to the drug...it's time for you to be happy. I know you love this person...it must be so hard to move on without her..but she'll catch up, Deebee if it's meant to be...and then you can really love each other.
Hi there, as I was reading this topic, I can't help but cry because it is exactly what is happening to me now. I've decided to let go...after 3 years of being with him, doing everything i can to protect and save him from every trouble he is in. Not realizing that i'm almost down to my last penny, because I have given him everything I have. Everytime it happens, he would say sorry and promise not to do it again but after a while he will not come home again and would stay out for days and weeks. It's a cycle, and it seems it would never stop. Until finally I thought maybe I should stop because i don't feel good anymore. Everyday it's always fear and worries that i have inside. I do care and love him so much, infact 3 months from now, I'm going to give birth to his son. A child who is not sure if he would still have a chance to see his father. I know it would be a risk to let him go because there is no assurance if he could save himself. Only God really knows if he would ever be able to save himself. I hope he would before death comes in first.
