Hi I'm a newbie
Dont know where to start really, supposed to be getting married next year and I've had my suspicions for a while that my BF has been smoking gear. I caught him around 6 months ago smokingit while I was in bed, caught him the following night - he swore he would never do it again, etc
2 weeks ago I came home early and caught him using again in the garden shed, he swore again it was a 'once-off' he bought it from someone in town and hadnt been using from the last time until now
Now, I think it s a bit of a coincidence that the (according to him) only 3 times he has done it i've caught him - I am not stupid. anyway I threw him out, lost the head, called him names etc. - this man has broken my heart.
He is back now, swears he knows he has too much to lose, wont do it again, isnt addicted, but how do I believe/trust him. And to top it off I recd a call last night from a friend who had been talking to someone who either sells/addicted who knew him from being around the area. If this is true he has been lying to me all along.
I'm at my wits end starting to feel really sick and disgusted with him and I can't talk to anyone about it as I am too ashamed
To confused,
Try posting over at the families/partners board. There you will find a lot of people who have been in the same situation as yourself and can give you better advise than I can. This all is fairly new to me and I'm still learning to deal with my current situtation.
I've recently ended my engagement with my x who was a recovery Heroin addict. She's been a long term IV Heroin user for about the last 6 years. She got clean about 2 months ago and from what I could tell has remained clean of heroin. She did substitue the heroin with Alchohol, never gave up her contacts with her dealers nor her user friends. She repeatedly made promises that she will get help, she's clean, she'll stop drinking, she will cut off her ties with the dealers, etc..... They all turned out to be lies. She'll be good for a few days and go right back to the drinking, the bad people, places and things. For the past month it became a predictable routine. I go pull her out of the bar and take her home. She'll be good for a few days and then right back to the bar. All the lies and empty promises just started to get out of hand. An addict will tell you any and everything, will promise you the world if that is what they think you want to hear.
Every one is different and since I don't know him I really can't tell you one way or the other if he is an addict or if he is lying. Use your judgement, don't beleive everything he says. If you think its worth sticking out a little longer then go ahead but prepare yourself mentally that things may not be what they seem with him and things may not work out. Read all you can about the addiction so you can learn to spot the warning signs.
Good Luck
Try posting over at the families/partners board. There you will find a lot of people who have been in the same situation as yourself and can give you better advise than I can. This all is fairly new to me and I'm still learning to deal with my current situtation.
I've recently ended my engagement with my x who was a recovery Heroin addict. She's been a long term IV Heroin user for about the last 6 years. She got clean about 2 months ago and from what I could tell has remained clean of heroin. She did substitue the heroin with Alchohol, never gave up her contacts with her dealers nor her user friends. She repeatedly made promises that she will get help, she's clean, she'll stop drinking, she will cut off her ties with the dealers, etc..... They all turned out to be lies. She'll be good for a few days and go right back to the drinking, the bad people, places and things. For the past month it became a predictable routine. I go pull her out of the bar and take her home. She'll be good for a few days and then right back to the bar. All the lies and empty promises just started to get out of hand. An addict will tell you any and everything, will promise you the world if that is what they think you want to hear.
Every one is different and since I don't know him I really can't tell you one way or the other if he is an addict or if he is lying. Use your judgement, don't beleive everything he says. If you think its worth sticking out a little longer then go ahead but prepare yourself mentally that things may not be what they seem with him and things may not work out. Read all you can about the addiction so you can learn to spot the warning signs.
Good Luck
Thanks for that Heartbroken
Dear Confused,
While an addict is in active addiction, you can't believe a word they say. You have to judge by their actions. When my son is using he gets bursts of energy, goes crazy over sweets, his pupils get very small, he gets aggitated easily, and he nods off a lot. These are some of the things I have come to watch for along with longer peroids of locked doors (bathroom and bedroom). If it is heroin he is using, it's not something they just use now and then. They just get caught now and then.
YOU didn't cause his addiction, YOU can't control his addiction (believe me I tried to control my son's!), YOU can't cure his addiction, and YOU can't love him enough to make him stop. When in active addiction, all that matters to them is where and when their next fix is coming. My son, who had no criminal record prior to drugs, ended up in a LOT of legal trouble over his drug addiction. He got to the point where he couldn't hold a job anymore and started stealing from stores. I NEVER thought I'd see the day when I would get a phone call from the police saying they had my son for retail theft! For a while, that became a regular thing. I even had police showing up at my door! The first time he did a big job for his dealer (because he owed him and he threatened to hurt his loved ones if he didn't) he drove and did the job while he was high. The police officer said he never saw a higher reading. It made me realize that he could have killed himself or some other innocent person and spent a long time or even possibly the rest of his life in prison. I realized that he needed a chance to detox off this stuff so my husband and I didn't post bail. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, but I had to do it to give him a chance to get free. He actually was doing pretty well after he got out, but his girlfriend (who we later found out had been struggling with heroin addiction for 8 years) came off her methadone and called him crying and asking him to get her something. That pulled him back into using and he got caught for another retail theft. After that he realized he needed help and asked for rehab. He went away to rehab and has done well except for a brief time where I'm almost sure he tried something. He's doing well now for about 20 months, praise God.
Since you can't do anything to stop your boyfriend, you have to take care of you. Go to alanon or naranon meetings - several a week if you can, keep posting to the families forum of this board, protect your valuables (bank cards/statement, credit cards/statements, jewelry, electroncs, collectibles, etc.), don't give/lend him any money or your car, etc. The only thing you can do to help him is pray, pray, pray for him and not enable him to use. If they're not ready for recovery, they can be very sneaky and manipulative and you can count on lies about everything. I MOST DEFINITELY wouldn't proceed with any plans to marry him until I SAW by his actions that he is in recovery for quite some time!
It is HELL loving an active addict. The heartache can be unbearable! At first I didn't want to tell anyone because I naively thought it was better for people not to know so that when he got better he wouldn't be embarrassed. As time went on, I found peace in going to church more regularly and I began to ask people there to pray for my son. I was AMAZED at how compassionate the people were. I also felt better to tell my family and they too were very compassionate and they prayed for my son too. They couldn't understand what I was going through like my friends on here. I know I wouldn't have made it through without the wonderful people on here. I NEEDED SUPPORT!!!! There was no families forum at the time, so the people on the pain pills and heroin forum were my initial helpers. Then I moved over to the families forum when that started too.
I am so sorry this is happening to you at a time when you should be experiencing happiness. I will keep praying for you and your boyfriend.
God bless!
Susan
While an addict is in active addiction, you can't believe a word they say. You have to judge by their actions. When my son is using he gets bursts of energy, goes crazy over sweets, his pupils get very small, he gets aggitated easily, and he nods off a lot. These are some of the things I have come to watch for along with longer peroids of locked doors (bathroom and bedroom). If it is heroin he is using, it's not something they just use now and then. They just get caught now and then.
YOU didn't cause his addiction, YOU can't control his addiction (believe me I tried to control my son's!), YOU can't cure his addiction, and YOU can't love him enough to make him stop. When in active addiction, all that matters to them is where and when their next fix is coming. My son, who had no criminal record prior to drugs, ended up in a LOT of legal trouble over his drug addiction. He got to the point where he couldn't hold a job anymore and started stealing from stores. I NEVER thought I'd see the day when I would get a phone call from the police saying they had my son for retail theft! For a while, that became a regular thing. I even had police showing up at my door! The first time he did a big job for his dealer (because he owed him and he threatened to hurt his loved ones if he didn't) he drove and did the job while he was high. The police officer said he never saw a higher reading. It made me realize that he could have killed himself or some other innocent person and spent a long time or even possibly the rest of his life in prison. I realized that he needed a chance to detox off this stuff so my husband and I didn't post bail. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, but I had to do it to give him a chance to get free. He actually was doing pretty well after he got out, but his girlfriend (who we later found out had been struggling with heroin addiction for 8 years) came off her methadone and called him crying and asking him to get her something. That pulled him back into using and he got caught for another retail theft. After that he realized he needed help and asked for rehab. He went away to rehab and has done well except for a brief time where I'm almost sure he tried something. He's doing well now for about 20 months, praise God.
Since you can't do anything to stop your boyfriend, you have to take care of you. Go to alanon or naranon meetings - several a week if you can, keep posting to the families forum of this board, protect your valuables (bank cards/statement, credit cards/statements, jewelry, electroncs, collectibles, etc.), don't give/lend him any money or your car, etc. The only thing you can do to help him is pray, pray, pray for him and not enable him to use. If they're not ready for recovery, they can be very sneaky and manipulative and you can count on lies about everything. I MOST DEFINITELY wouldn't proceed with any plans to marry him until I SAW by his actions that he is in recovery for quite some time!
It is HELL loving an active addict. The heartache can be unbearable! At first I didn't want to tell anyone because I naively thought it was better for people not to know so that when he got better he wouldn't be embarrassed. As time went on, I found peace in going to church more regularly and I began to ask people there to pray for my son. I was AMAZED at how compassionate the people were. I also felt better to tell my family and they too were very compassionate and they prayed for my son too. They couldn't understand what I was going through like my friends on here. I know I wouldn't have made it through without the wonderful people on here. I NEEDED SUPPORT!!!! There was no families forum at the time, so the people on the pain pills and heroin forum were my initial helpers. Then I moved over to the families forum when that started too.
I am so sorry this is happening to you at a time when you should be experiencing happiness. I will keep praying for you and your boyfriend.
God bless!
Susan
P.S. Would it be alright if I copied your original post and transferred it over to the Families forum for you?
Please read the thread entitled "Please read if you're new" on the families forum. It's GREAT! If you don't know how to get over there, let me know and I'll explain it to you.
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
