Wondering where you guys are.
You alright?
Bumping for the fella's.
reshie's around, but not feelin' it =(
Pappy's been MIA...
Pappy's been MIA...
4:00AM and I am laughing so loud I might wake up the new couple next door who screamed at eachother since 5:00PM until about 2:00AM.
I'd love to hear how you call roll. Thanks for the heads up.
Edit to say I am in no way meaning disrespect to Reshie or Pappy. Just laughing at the point blank way Mom N More filled me in.
I'd love to hear how you call roll. Thanks for the heads up.
Edit to say I am in no way meaning disrespect to Reshie or Pappy. Just laughing at the point blank way Mom N More filled me in.
Hi Brynda. Hi Mum-n-more.
I'm still here. For better or worse. I've hit a brick wall. I've got myself off the drugs, moved myself out of the 'drug circle' (I do not associate with any of my former associates,period),new digs and new life.
Life though is never a bed of roses nor do I expect it to be. I know that I have to be prepared to work through the setbacks and the disappointments and never to delude myself into thinking that just because I'm 'clean', that it automatically entitles me to something/anything. I am acutely aware of this.
So why the "brick wall". Well Brynda, I have and am still trying to figure out where to go from here. I've come to realise that the old axiom "an idle mind is the devil's playground" is very true. Gainful employment is the essential next step. Quite apart from occupying my mind and spending my time in a useful way, it gives one a sense of achievement and from that the feeling of self-worth and self-esteem. These are two things I find I am profoundly lacking. I have tried to start with volunteer work,to get myself going, to make contacts and within time prove to myself and to others that I can be reliable and trustworthy. It is proving to be monstrously difficult. Once people find out about the background involving drugs, the shutters come down. I've actually seen it. Seen a man actually mentally shut down on me. Saw his eyes "close" and it reflected unmistakably in his body language.
I'll be honest. I'm starting to ask myself why I'm doing this. Am I beginning to lose heart. Undoubtedly so. One can only have the door slammed in one's face so many times before the very process itself starts to have an impact. Why put myself through it? Whether I'm a junkie or not, I can still be a good father. To be a good dad requires me to love my daughter unconditionally. I have a friend who's taxi driver and a junkie. He's a brilliant dad. Heroin is just "daddy's medication". Contrast that to me. No drugs. No job. No life. No friends (following advice I've got on this website, I got rid of all my friends beacuse they were all users). Nothing. I dread it when I initially meet my daughter at weekends. Invariably she will ask me:" What have you been doing this week daddy?". What indeed.
R>
I'm still here. For better or worse. I've hit a brick wall. I've got myself off the drugs, moved myself out of the 'drug circle' (I do not associate with any of my former associates,period),new digs and new life.
Life though is never a bed of roses nor do I expect it to be. I know that I have to be prepared to work through the setbacks and the disappointments and never to delude myself into thinking that just because I'm 'clean', that it automatically entitles me to something/anything. I am acutely aware of this.
So why the "brick wall". Well Brynda, I have and am still trying to figure out where to go from here. I've come to realise that the old axiom "an idle mind is the devil's playground" is very true. Gainful employment is the essential next step. Quite apart from occupying my mind and spending my time in a useful way, it gives one a sense of achievement and from that the feeling of self-worth and self-esteem. These are two things I find I am profoundly lacking. I have tried to start with volunteer work,to get myself going, to make contacts and within time prove to myself and to others that I can be reliable and trustworthy. It is proving to be monstrously difficult. Once people find out about the background involving drugs, the shutters come down. I've actually seen it. Seen a man actually mentally shut down on me. Saw his eyes "close" and it reflected unmistakably in his body language.
I'll be honest. I'm starting to ask myself why I'm doing this. Am I beginning to lose heart. Undoubtedly so. One can only have the door slammed in one's face so many times before the very process itself starts to have an impact. Why put myself through it? Whether I'm a junkie or not, I can still be a good father. To be a good dad requires me to love my daughter unconditionally. I have a friend who's taxi driver and a junkie. He's a brilliant dad. Heroin is just "daddy's medication". Contrast that to me. No drugs. No job. No life. No friends (following advice I've got on this website, I got rid of all my friends beacuse they were all users). Nothing. I dread it when I initially meet my daughter at weekends. Invariably she will ask me:" What have you been doing this week daddy?". What indeed.
R>
Resh, Right now I can't post in entirity, BUT maybe your friend the taxi guy is all you say, BUT he's still using. You're not. It takes a better man. A positive way to look at that is you are stronger.
When your lil girl ask what you did all week daddy in your head you can say maybe not a whole lot socially, BUT I'm clean.
Resh, please don't let that all make for a reason/excuse to pick up. I so absolutely hear you. I know what you mean but for now you're not using. If you were it would only complicate all of that.
I'll post later, O.K.?
When your lil girl ask what you did all week daddy in your head you can say maybe not a whole lot socially, BUT I'm clean.
Resh, please don't let that all make for a reason/excuse to pick up. I so absolutely hear you. I know what you mean but for now you're not using. If you were it would only complicate all of that.
I'll post later, O.K.?
Clean but not happy? Think about it, what's the meaning of life? I better find the answer or I'll end up using.
There is no meaning. It is what it is, Mike. Less you think otherwsie I'll give ya this link. It's a load of crapolla I guess, but it's in black and white. A man wrote it and said on his site you can like steal any part of it ya want, but acknowledge where ya stole it. Now I forget his name.
Anywho, Mike you're picking up before ya pick up. Setting yourself up to use. It's a trick. A trick of the mind. I'm not judging you because I recall doing it alot. "What's the point? I'm broke, my kid hates me, my dad's dead, my mom's sick, I hate people, the lady in the supermarket looked at me crooked. I swear I was better off using". That's how we do, and again I believe you truly feel like that so maybe this will either help or p*ss you off I even had the audacity to post such a thing it'll keep ya clean.
http://www.themeaningoflife.org/7Decide.htm
Reshie, man, I'm feeling ya. However, you're doing the same thing. I mean can I say "He*l yeah if i could still be using the last seven years and be a brilliant mom I would be". Come on, Resh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How will it work out when you can't cop and you're to see your child? How about when ya get dope sick? That's brilliant?
You're depressed. Obviously you know it and trust you me I knew a few people said that heroin was their antidepresant. heck, the drug manufacturers are making all the loot on that stuff why not just keep using?
Because and I can't believe I am saying this.............................................
YOU HAVE TO PAY THE BAND
Yeah you'll feel good for a bit. Then it's back to it.
In all honesty I wouldn't tell anyone anymore I'm an addict if I was you. It's like a set-up. Then you think well "He*l I was a darn good junkie though". I used to think that was the first and only thing I was ever good at. I was PROUD I was such a good heroin addict. It's a death wish.
Daddy's medicine and I am not judging the taxi driver, but what if he gets freakin shot while copping dope? How good will he be then?
When I don't have anymore or I am worried someone will pick up I always offer my tride and true and I am SERIOUS!
Mike you too.
Omega 3! Go get some fish oil and B Complex and some amino acids THEN decide you're going to pick up if this doesn't at least help a tiny bit.
Sorry you guys are feeling like this. It's a big, dank, dark, ugly, black hole I know, but and again I hated when people told me this, but it's true.......
I PROMISE it gets better. Just keep going. Don't use.
Anywho, Mike you're picking up before ya pick up. Setting yourself up to use. It's a trick. A trick of the mind. I'm not judging you because I recall doing it alot. "What's the point? I'm broke, my kid hates me, my dad's dead, my mom's sick, I hate people, the lady in the supermarket looked at me crooked. I swear I was better off using". That's how we do, and again I believe you truly feel like that so maybe this will either help or p*ss you off I even had the audacity to post such a thing it'll keep ya clean.
http://www.themeaningoflife.org/7Decide.htm
Reshie, man, I'm feeling ya. However, you're doing the same thing. I mean can I say "He*l yeah if i could still be using the last seven years and be a brilliant mom I would be". Come on, Resh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How will it work out when you can't cop and you're to see your child? How about when ya get dope sick? That's brilliant?
You're depressed. Obviously you know it and trust you me I knew a few people said that heroin was their antidepresant. heck, the drug manufacturers are making all the loot on that stuff why not just keep using?
Because and I can't believe I am saying this.............................................
YOU HAVE TO PAY THE BAND
Yeah you'll feel good for a bit. Then it's back to it.
In all honesty I wouldn't tell anyone anymore I'm an addict if I was you. It's like a set-up. Then you think well "He*l I was a darn good junkie though". I used to think that was the first and only thing I was ever good at. I was PROUD I was such a good heroin addict. It's a death wish.
Daddy's medicine and I am not judging the taxi driver, but what if he gets freakin shot while copping dope? How good will he be then?
When I don't have anymore or I am worried someone will pick up I always offer my tride and true and I am SERIOUS!
Mike you too.
Omega 3! Go get some fish oil and B Complex and some amino acids THEN decide you're going to pick up if this doesn't at least help a tiny bit.
Sorry you guys are feeling like this. It's a big, dank, dark, ugly, black hole I know, but and again I hated when people told me this, but it's true.......
I PROMISE it gets better. Just keep going. Don't use.
I hope ypu're right Brynda. I think people are getting bored with my self-eviscerating state of being and are starting to just pass my posts over. I can't say I blame them.
R>
R>
Not so...sometimes it's just hard to know what to say, so I'll say just take it easy on yourself, reshie. Time for bed...g'night.
reshie,
I know exactly how you feel. I had, and still have, the same feelings and I had the same reaction to them. The difference is that I didn't even give myself a chance and I caved and started using again and it helped...for a couple of days and then it was back to the same old same old. I looked at it like this. When I used I was depressed, not able to function and always worried about my next score.When I did score I always thought about when I was going to have to score again. Never was I able to enjoy a minute of life.
I think it's been about a month that I have not used and ill be honest, after the feeling of finally being clean wore off, it's not much better than the day I got out of detox but it is at least a little better. When I was using I knew one day was going to be the same as the last. Depression, along with all the other issues that go with using. I try and keep telling myself that maybe today will be better and if not try and look towards tomorrow with hopes that it brings a change.
I try not to kid myself and think i'm out of the woods yet. I have been to numerous NA meetings and as they do help it is only temporary. I have tried to get into an outpatient program but the earliest they can get to me is march so i have been basically going it alone for the past month. But hell it's no different than when I was using. I separated myself from family and clean friends and had a couple of using friends and dealers. I probably would be further along if i forced myself to get out more and find things to do but that is hard for me to do as I am not considered a very social person.
It's funny but when I was using I would talk to 1 of my using friends we always talked about the need to clean up. While he still uses I find that he is my biggest support and it seems he wants me to be clean more than I want it for myself so I have not disassociated myself from him.I actually called him 1 time ,about a week after I got out of detox, to try and get a bag or two " to get me through the day" and he refused to give or sell me any. He is quickly becoming my best friend and has told me to call him any time I feel the need to use.
I am lucky to have a job when I feel I can go back to work. That part is the hardest part to overcome. I have just about run out of money and need to get back ASAP. I am still very lethargic and can't seem to get motivated.
All I know at this point is that I am no good to myself or my son using and put both of our futures in jeopardy.I will not guarantee anything at this point but for now I am taking the word of the people on this board and keep hoping it gets better. It has to.
My best wishes are with you, Reshie. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both of us.
I know exactly how you feel. I had, and still have, the same feelings and I had the same reaction to them. The difference is that I didn't even give myself a chance and I caved and started using again and it helped...for a couple of days and then it was back to the same old same old. I looked at it like this. When I used I was depressed, not able to function and always worried about my next score.When I did score I always thought about when I was going to have to score again. Never was I able to enjoy a minute of life.
I think it's been about a month that I have not used and ill be honest, after the feeling of finally being clean wore off, it's not much better than the day I got out of detox but it is at least a little better. When I was using I knew one day was going to be the same as the last. Depression, along with all the other issues that go with using. I try and keep telling myself that maybe today will be better and if not try and look towards tomorrow with hopes that it brings a change.
I try not to kid myself and think i'm out of the woods yet. I have been to numerous NA meetings and as they do help it is only temporary. I have tried to get into an outpatient program but the earliest they can get to me is march so i have been basically going it alone for the past month. But hell it's no different than when I was using. I separated myself from family and clean friends and had a couple of using friends and dealers. I probably would be further along if i forced myself to get out more and find things to do but that is hard for me to do as I am not considered a very social person.
It's funny but when I was using I would talk to 1 of my using friends we always talked about the need to clean up. While he still uses I find that he is my biggest support and it seems he wants me to be clean more than I want it for myself so I have not disassociated myself from him.I actually called him 1 time ,about a week after I got out of detox, to try and get a bag or two " to get me through the day" and he refused to give or sell me any. He is quickly becoming my best friend and has told me to call him any time I feel the need to use.
I am lucky to have a job when I feel I can go back to work. That part is the hardest part to overcome. I have just about run out of money and need to get back ASAP. I am still very lethargic and can't seem to get motivated.
All I know at this point is that I am no good to myself or my son using and put both of our futures in jeopardy.I will not guarantee anything at this point but for now I am taking the word of the people on this board and keep hoping it gets better. It has to.
My best wishes are with you, Reshie. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both of us.
Hi Kev, and welcome. We have another beloved Kev here. He's doing wonderful. Let's pray the same for you.
Resh, I don't kno what self-eviscerating means, but no matter. You post all you want. We'll never pass you by, Resh. Liske Mom N More said sometimes people are not sure what to say.
Me? I always got something to say. LOL Perhaps I am self-eviscerating? I like the word.
Get you that Omega 3 and I am not kidding. B-Complex. In a week you'll make me homeopathy of the year.
Stay tough Reshie.
Resh, I don't kno what self-eviscerating means, but no matter. You post all you want. We'll never pass you by, Resh. Liske Mom N More said sometimes people are not sure what to say.
Me? I always got something to say. LOL Perhaps I am self-eviscerating? I like the word.
Get you that Omega 3 and I am not kidding. B-Complex. In a week you'll make me homeopathy of the year.
Stay tough Reshie.
"stay tough"......
I think that says it all.
@Kev, Man, when I first got clean I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you. My best mate was (and still is) using but refused to sell or give me any. I actually went through the agony of watching him smoke heroin with monstrous cravings and it absolutely drove me screwy. It had to stop. If want to follow the dialogue of what went on and why, read 'am in hell'.
@Brynda, "self-eviscerating"...a colourful way of saying torturing yourself voluntarily. It's a term I've come across in many books about communists, especially the Soviet era under Stalin and China under Mao. People were made to eviscerate themselves, literally volunteer to charge and convict themselves by admitting to wrong-doing. Here's an example: In Maoist China (before the communists came to power) a man came across a gathering in which a speaker was vehemently denouncing a man called Li Li-San. This tirade went on for 2 hours. After the denounciation stopped, the passer-by asked the speaker "who is this Li Li-San?" The speaker replied " I am Li Li-San". Get it?
@ everyone: thanks everyone for the support. Everyone has good days and bad days. I only ever seem to come one here when I feel down and negative. I think I'm fostering the wrong impression about myself. Having said that, I guess this site is like a shelter,where people run to for some respite from the demons that inevitably plague them as drug users. I know it was that desperation that forced me to seek out this site.
R>
I think that says it all.
@Kev, Man, when I first got clean I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you. My best mate was (and still is) using but refused to sell or give me any. I actually went through the agony of watching him smoke heroin with monstrous cravings and it absolutely drove me screwy. It had to stop. If want to follow the dialogue of what went on and why, read 'am in hell'.
@Brynda, "self-eviscerating"...a colourful way of saying torturing yourself voluntarily. It's a term I've come across in many books about communists, especially the Soviet era under Stalin and China under Mao. People were made to eviscerate themselves, literally volunteer to charge and convict themselves by admitting to wrong-doing. Here's an example: In Maoist China (before the communists came to power) a man came across a gathering in which a speaker was vehemently denouncing a man called Li Li-San. This tirade went on for 2 hours. After the denounciation stopped, the passer-by asked the speaker "who is this Li Li-San?" The speaker replied " I am Li Li-San". Get it?
@ everyone: thanks everyone for the support. Everyone has good days and bad days. I only ever seem to come one here when I feel down and negative. I think I'm fostering the wrong impression about myself. Having said that, I guess this site is like a shelter,where people run to for some respite from the demons that inevitably plague them as drug users. I know it was that desperation that forced me to seek out this site.
R>
