I've been looking for answers to help with an alcoholic stepfather, but I can't find anything. My Stepfather drinks everyday all day. He has a keg at his house and starts drinking at about 11:00am until he passes out at night. My mom acts as if this is normal behavior. Everything I read talks about the problems the alcoholic causes, but in this situation, he never has any consequences. He really doesn't have any responsibility other than drinking all day. She has made his life so easy. She drives everywhere and pays for everything. They sort of have a nice life, nice house, because my mom has worked her butt off and is now retired, so my stepfather who is about 10 years younger doesn't have to work.
I guess things started to bother me, when my mom moved to Florida and my stepfather quit working. Since they've moved, I've seen him go down hill. Now he is extremely lazy...doesn't do anything around the house. Things have gotten worse for me since I had my son about A year and a half ago. I hate my son being in this atmosphere, and to make it worse. My stepfather loves my son and always wants to take him out somewhere by himself or for me to leave him there. I feel totally uncomfortable about this. I grew up with an alcoholic father, grandfather and most of my uncles. I really don't know the proper way to react. Is my mom doing the right thing by ignoring it. I just can't act like this is normal behavior. I'm sick of feeling embarrased and uncomfortable when ever we go out anywhere with him.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Tracy
you can't really change other people, only yourself, and since he is your stepfather your responsibility only goes so far. Maybe he knows he is doing wrong, maybe if you did something it might make a difference, maybe not.
I don't drink anymore and i have family members(not immediate) that do, but none to the point of excess that i worry about them. would i have the courage to confront them, i don't know. but sometimes that might be the first step. another poster here said she wrote a heart to heart letter to her husband, maybe that is something to think about. i know my mother wrote one of those heartfelt letters to me almost 30 yrs ago. it didn't make me quit at the time, but maybe it helped.
most of us have a conscience, and want to do the right thing in life, but we can get so caught up in our activities and have others around doing the same thing, enablers, that we think what we are doing is okay, but there might a teeny tiny voice somewhere that is saying in his head, this is wrong, i wish i could stop.
maybe if you did pointed out to him that he had a problem and that you care about him, he might not stop right then, but he would think about it, and it would make that tiny voice larger. it is like smoking, we tell those around us it is no good, but they keep going at it, but i have two girls that work for me, that somehow they quit at the same time, that teeny voice in their head finally took hold.
this is a very hard situation to be in and i understand that and sympathize with you. i am not trying to put the weight of his problem on your shoulders and you are a nice person to take the time to write. just trying to give you some ideas. but i'm not a professional.
I don't drink anymore and i have family members(not immediate) that do, but none to the point of excess that i worry about them. would i have the courage to confront them, i don't know. but sometimes that might be the first step. another poster here said she wrote a heart to heart letter to her husband, maybe that is something to think about. i know my mother wrote one of those heartfelt letters to me almost 30 yrs ago. it didn't make me quit at the time, but maybe it helped.
most of us have a conscience, and want to do the right thing in life, but we can get so caught up in our activities and have others around doing the same thing, enablers, that we think what we are doing is okay, but there might a teeny tiny voice somewhere that is saying in his head, this is wrong, i wish i could stop.
maybe if you did pointed out to him that he had a problem and that you care about him, he might not stop right then, but he would think about it, and it would make that tiny voice larger. it is like smoking, we tell those around us it is no good, but they keep going at it, but i have two girls that work for me, that somehow they quit at the same time, that teeny voice in their head finally took hold.
this is a very hard situation to be in and i understand that and sympathize with you. i am not trying to put the weight of his problem on your shoulders and you are a nice person to take the time to write. just trying to give you some ideas. but i'm not a professional.
Hi Tracy.
First of all thanks for posting and sharing a little of your life with us. Only someone who is a caring person would take the time to do that.
I dont have any answers or quick solutions but I can share a little bit about my experiences.
First I am so grateful I was directed to Alcoholics Anonymous and then introduced to a 12 step program that is for living life to its fullest. I was shown the Serenity Prayer and it was explained to me like this,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. (I cannot change 99.9% of the things outside of me, people places things and situations.) Courage to change the things I can. (I can change 99.9% of the things inside of me, and the way I view those people, places, things and situations.) And the wisdom to know the difference. (That is the difference between the two.)
The prayer has really helped make life at home a whole lot better because Ive been able to accept people exactly as they are and to just love them. I may not like there actions but then who am I to judge. I learnt to Let go and let God.
When I first got sober and started to live life instead of surviving in life. I wanted all those people around me to have what I had been given a sober, alcohol and drug free life. Mainly at the time my brothers and sisters my own children were still too young. We all grew up with an alcoholic mother and father and me and all my siblings had been affected by that in one way or another.
I was actually able to get a couple of my brothers to attend a couple of AA meetings and when they didnt want it and wanted the alcohol and drugs more it almost drove me crazy because I couldnt understand why they didnt want the life I had been given.
My actions where starting to affect my wife and our children .so I spoke to a member of AA who had been around a lot longer than I. He said I had to let go and let God .That God had got me here and would look after then. That I needed to look after me or there was a chance I may pick up alcohol again and lose everything. I was still uncomfortable in the beginning but he was right I can see that now.
Have you sat down with your mum and stepfather and let them know how you feel. There are pamphlets in AA meetings that you can leave around that he may read.
I know my post is a lot about me and may not be the answers youre looking for but I hope you can take something from it. I will pray for you and your family.
Again thankyou for posting. God Bless
First of all thanks for posting and sharing a little of your life with us. Only someone who is a caring person would take the time to do that.
I dont have any answers or quick solutions but I can share a little bit about my experiences.
First I am so grateful I was directed to Alcoholics Anonymous and then introduced to a 12 step program that is for living life to its fullest. I was shown the Serenity Prayer and it was explained to me like this,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. (I cannot change 99.9% of the things outside of me, people places things and situations.) Courage to change the things I can. (I can change 99.9% of the things inside of me, and the way I view those people, places, things and situations.) And the wisdom to know the difference. (That is the difference between the two.)
The prayer has really helped make life at home a whole lot better because Ive been able to accept people exactly as they are and to just love them. I may not like there actions but then who am I to judge. I learnt to Let go and let God.
When I first got sober and started to live life instead of surviving in life. I wanted all those people around me to have what I had been given a sober, alcohol and drug free life. Mainly at the time my brothers and sisters my own children were still too young. We all grew up with an alcoholic mother and father and me and all my siblings had been affected by that in one way or another.
I was actually able to get a couple of my brothers to attend a couple of AA meetings and when they didnt want it and wanted the alcohol and drugs more it almost drove me crazy because I couldnt understand why they didnt want the life I had been given.
My actions where starting to affect my wife and our children .so I spoke to a member of AA who had been around a lot longer than I. He said I had to let go and let God .That God had got me here and would look after then. That I needed to look after me or there was a chance I may pick up alcohol again and lose everything. I was still uncomfortable in the beginning but he was right I can see that now.
Have you sat down with your mum and stepfather and let them know how you feel. There are pamphlets in AA meetings that you can leave around that he may read.
I know my post is a lot about me and may not be the answers youre looking for but I hope you can take something from it. I will pray for you and your family.
Again thankyou for posting. God Bless
Thanks for your replies. I do know that I can't change my stepfather, he has to change himself. I can't make him stop drinking, and I'm not responsible for his drinking. I've grown up around enough alcoholics to know that, but I'm really having a hard time understanding what AA is all about. I feel like everyone is saying don't do, or say anything to the drinker....just let him be. Well, this approach has been going on for ever. Everyone in my stepfather's life has accepted him just the way he is. I feel like nobody cares that he is killing himself. He has always drank everyday to the point of passing out, since I've known him (15years), but at least in the past, he used to work. Now, he doesn't work or do anything. I feel like everyone in our family walks on eggshells around him, because they don't want to upset him. I'm sick of that. He never, I mean never has to pay for the consequences of his actions. He goes out and drinks too much...no need to worry, my mom will drive home. He can't work, because then he won't be able to drink all day... no need to worry, my mom will pay for and take care of anything. Before he met my mom, he had nothing, well maybe an old beat up truck and a mattress. Now, he has a big beautiful house in Florida, at hot tub, a few cars. His life has only gotten better the more he drinks.I guess what is really bothering me is having my child in that atmosphere. My stepfather constantly wants to take my son out alone. There is no way! It isn't that I don't love my stepfather and want him to be part of my childs life, but I don't trust alcohol at all. Is AA saying that I should just ignore everything. I don't understand.
Tracy
Tracy
