Hi everyone. I have tried other support groups in the past and to no avail. Hopefully this one is different. This story is not new to many of you and I'm looking for guidance. My son has battled addiction for over 20 years. He is 36 years old, been arrested twice, drug related and the last time may end him in jail. I know I cannot control him, his drug or his life, and feel that I have enabled him so much that my guilt is stronger than my will to walk away from him.
My son blames me, gets angry, has stole, pawns whatever x-mas gifts he has received and all in all lives off me (not in same the house though). I feel I cannot say no to him. He is relentless, I have a young daughter that I do not want to witness the "different" brother whenever he is desperate, so I give in a give him money, if only for a few hours of peace. The guilt that the money I give him may kill him, kills me every time. But I also think that if I don't give it then he may steal, rob a strangers home, get shot or go to jail for a disease he cannot control.
I know this disease is not what anyone of us desired for our children" hey when my baby gets older I want him to be a drug addict", or at school, "hey what do you want to be when you grow up"? I wanted to be a crack, heroin or oxy user, forever, you know to ruin my entire life".
How does anyone handle this? Sometimes my guilt gets to be too much for me. Thanks in advance for anyone who has gone through this and can give me any support.
Welcome Loveoflost-
I hope that you find a home on this site. There are lots of caring, supportive folks here. From my experience, you will receive advice, insight, perspective and love from folks who are on this same horrible journey.
I'm so sorry. Sending a huge hug your way. You've been on this journey a long long time. Clearly you are one strong soul!! God bless. How have you kept your sanity for the last 20 years? How have you not gotten caught up in his madness? Especially when it seems that your son knows what buttons to push to get a desired response from you?
Yes, if you don't give him money, or whatever he is whining about, he MAY go hit an old lady in the head. . .he MAY go rob 7-11. . .he MAY go sell his body. He is using your fears and worries as a mom against you to get what he wants. As most addicts, he seems to be a master manipulator. And you seem to fall for it each time. But. . .think for a moment. . .what would happen if Mommy ATM dried up? Maybe he would hit his rock bottom. Maybe he would suffer the consequences of his choices. Maybe he would have the desire and drive to get and stay clean & sober.
My 21 yo daughter was living 1000 miles away from me, first in inpatient program and then IOP/halfway houses. We had no problems in sending an allowance, figuring that it would take her a minute to get a job. Well. . .her mouth kept talking about getting a job, but her body didnt move for about 2 months; she didn't make any real movements until hubby & I told her she had 4 more weeks of allowance before she was cut off. She couldn't believe it. She thought we were playing. But we cut her off as planned. Believe it or not, she found a job the next week.
Of course, she called and complained that she was hungry and had nothing to eat; and asked if I would send money. I always told her "No". But, I'll admit that I broke down and ordered pizza or Chinese or something that delivered. It broke my heart to think that my only child was hungry. I cried many a tear. . .and typed many a post. But it came down to her or me. I was going crazy. I was emotionally bankrupt. And, my accounts were all hovering around $100. I knew that this lifestyle was HER choice, not mine. And after a few weeks of saying "No," or "What are YOU going to do?" or giving no response at all no matter what the sob story, she stopped asking. I'm not going to say it was easy. I'm not going to say I didn't cry and feel like I should be this year's recipient of the Bad Mommy's Award. But she got it. She understood that boundary. She even told her boyfriend that we stopped enabling her. . .and we loved her!
Let's be honest. . .What do you think he is using the money you have given for? Have you seen new clothes, electronics, furniture, food? Are you really helping him? OR. . .Could it be. . . that he is using some or all of your money to help fund his habit???!! How would you feel if he OD'd with drugs he purchased using your money? Would you feel responsible? My daughter passed away a few weeks ago from what we believe is a drug OD. If nothing else, I am at peace with the fact that I did not finance her OD.
If you haven't already done so, google "enabling" and "detaching". You might also want to read an old post on this site. I believe it is called Things That Don't Help. You might also consider going to Naranon meetings to get live, face-to-face support and feedback. You are not alone. There are resources, people, information out there.
But, if I can add my 2 cents. . .sorry, I'll be blunt. . .I'd say STOP ENABLING HIM!!! Cut him off financially. He's 36 yo. He should be able to stand on his own two feet money-wise, without regular, unfettered access to Mommy ATM. This doesn't mean that you stop loving him or you become cold and callous or you stop being his mom. It is just a form of tough love. . .to save yourself, and hopefully to save him.
You didn't mention how old your daughter is. But if she's older than 11, she already knows what time it is. . .that her brother is an addict. So, what are you trying to shield her from? Have you talked with her about his addiction or is it the 8,000 pound gorilla in the room that no one wants to acknowledge? How does she feel about all of this? Does she have an outlet for her feelings?
Wishing you peace & sending a prayer for you, your son & daughter,
Lynn
xoxo
I hope that you find a home on this site. There are lots of caring, supportive folks here. From my experience, you will receive advice, insight, perspective and love from folks who are on this same horrible journey.
I'm so sorry. Sending a huge hug your way. You've been on this journey a long long time. Clearly you are one strong soul!! God bless. How have you kept your sanity for the last 20 years? How have you not gotten caught up in his madness? Especially when it seems that your son knows what buttons to push to get a desired response from you?
Yes, if you don't give him money, or whatever he is whining about, he MAY go hit an old lady in the head. . .he MAY go rob 7-11. . .he MAY go sell his body. He is using your fears and worries as a mom against you to get what he wants. As most addicts, he seems to be a master manipulator. And you seem to fall for it each time. But. . .think for a moment. . .what would happen if Mommy ATM dried up? Maybe he would hit his rock bottom. Maybe he would suffer the consequences of his choices. Maybe he would have the desire and drive to get and stay clean & sober.
My 21 yo daughter was living 1000 miles away from me, first in inpatient program and then IOP/halfway houses. We had no problems in sending an allowance, figuring that it would take her a minute to get a job. Well. . .her mouth kept talking about getting a job, but her body didnt move for about 2 months; she didn't make any real movements until hubby & I told her she had 4 more weeks of allowance before she was cut off. She couldn't believe it. She thought we were playing. But we cut her off as planned. Believe it or not, she found a job the next week.
Of course, she called and complained that she was hungry and had nothing to eat; and asked if I would send money. I always told her "No". But, I'll admit that I broke down and ordered pizza or Chinese or something that delivered. It broke my heart to think that my only child was hungry. I cried many a tear. . .and typed many a post. But it came down to her or me. I was going crazy. I was emotionally bankrupt. And, my accounts were all hovering around $100. I knew that this lifestyle was HER choice, not mine. And after a few weeks of saying "No," or "What are YOU going to do?" or giving no response at all no matter what the sob story, she stopped asking. I'm not going to say it was easy. I'm not going to say I didn't cry and feel like I should be this year's recipient of the Bad Mommy's Award. But she got it. She understood that boundary. She even told her boyfriend that we stopped enabling her. . .and we loved her!
Let's be honest. . .What do you think he is using the money you have given for? Have you seen new clothes, electronics, furniture, food? Are you really helping him? OR. . .Could it be. . . that he is using some or all of your money to help fund his habit???!! How would you feel if he OD'd with drugs he purchased using your money? Would you feel responsible? My daughter passed away a few weeks ago from what we believe is a drug OD. If nothing else, I am at peace with the fact that I did not finance her OD.
If you haven't already done so, google "enabling" and "detaching". You might also want to read an old post on this site. I believe it is called Things That Don't Help. You might also consider going to Naranon meetings to get live, face-to-face support and feedback. You are not alone. There are resources, people, information out there.
But, if I can add my 2 cents. . .sorry, I'll be blunt. . .I'd say STOP ENABLING HIM!!! Cut him off financially. He's 36 yo. He should be able to stand on his own two feet money-wise, without regular, unfettered access to Mommy ATM. This doesn't mean that you stop loving him or you become cold and callous or you stop being his mom. It is just a form of tough love. . .to save yourself, and hopefully to save him.
You didn't mention how old your daughter is. But if she's older than 11, she already knows what time it is. . .that her brother is an addict. So, what are you trying to shield her from? Have you talked with her about his addiction or is it the 8,000 pound gorilla in the room that no one wants to acknowledge? How does she feel about all of this? Does she have an outlet for her feelings?
Wishing you peace & sending a prayer for you, your son & daughter,
Lynn
xoxo
HI--
I hope you find what your looking for in this forum, but the only way that will happen is if you listen and do what Lynn advised. If you don't change nothing WILL change and you will be still "lost in a world of drugs".
I, too, felt like you and I enabled my son for over 20 years. He is 45 and still using and still nasty and belligerent and still homeless and broke and has nothing. I supported him for many years and every time I thought he had hit bottom and turned the corner--he would fall flat on his face again. He has stolen from us and other relatives that tried to help. He has stolen from every girlfriend he had. He has been in prison twice for drugs and theft. He has punched one girlfriend's elderly dad. He has threatened us and called us horrific names. He has been in rehab twice only to sign out in a week. Halfway houses didn't help. I could could go on and on.
You probably think like I did-- well this time will be different and he will get better or my son isn't that bad. Well, my son wasn't that bad at 20 or 30, but now he is 45 and his life is passing him by. Yes, he could die and yes he could get really sick. Yes, I have felt guilty, but that guilt is what supported my son's drug habit and he really knew how to use it against us and manipulate us.
The one turning point for me was when he called me a "f---ing b---tch and hoped I would get killed by a truck while he watched. One member here said it well--"Do you want to be doing this till your dying breath?"
Well, if you don't stop enabling, you will be doing this till you die.
I am still struggling with all this and probably will for quite a while, but I know this may be the only thing that saves my son's life and my life too!
Prayers and hugs--Lori
I hope you find what your looking for in this forum, but the only way that will happen is if you listen and do what Lynn advised. If you don't change nothing WILL change and you will be still "lost in a world of drugs".
I, too, felt like you and I enabled my son for over 20 years. He is 45 and still using and still nasty and belligerent and still homeless and broke and has nothing. I supported him for many years and every time I thought he had hit bottom and turned the corner--he would fall flat on his face again. He has stolen from us and other relatives that tried to help. He has stolen from every girlfriend he had. He has been in prison twice for drugs and theft. He has punched one girlfriend's elderly dad. He has threatened us and called us horrific names. He has been in rehab twice only to sign out in a week. Halfway houses didn't help. I could could go on and on.
You probably think like I did-- well this time will be different and he will get better or my son isn't that bad. Well, my son wasn't that bad at 20 or 30, but now he is 45 and his life is passing him by. Yes, he could die and yes he could get really sick. Yes, I have felt guilty, but that guilt is what supported my son's drug habit and he really knew how to use it against us and manipulate us.
The one turning point for me was when he called me a "f---ing b---tch and hoped I would get killed by a truck while he watched. One member here said it well--"Do you want to be doing this till your dying breath?"
Well, if you don't stop enabling, you will be doing this till you die.
I am still struggling with all this and probably will for quite a while, but I know this may be the only thing that saves my son's life and my life too!
Prayers and hugs--Lori
Ditto to both of those replies. Couldn't say it better myself. . It's soooo hard but it's what needs to be done in order for you to somewhat survive this madness.
Lynn.. I Think of you daily. I'm so glad you are still here with us. Your one tough cookie.
(( hugs))
Lisa.
Lynn.. I Think of you daily. I'm so glad you are still here with us. Your one tough cookie.
(( hugs))
Lisa.
Good Morning Love,
I may have neglected to mention that we are also brutely honest here. Everything is said from the perspective of love and respect. Because, as my grandmother used to say, "Life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself; learn from mine."
I found the post I referenced. It was originally posted in 2012 by MomNMore. I'm a techno ding bat . . .but I was able to copy and paste it. See below.
Please let us know how you, your son & daughter are doing.
Wishing you peace, saying a prayer & sending hugs. Hang in there!
Lynn
******************************************************************************************************************
Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God.
I may have neglected to mention that we are also brutely honest here. Everything is said from the perspective of love and respect. Because, as my grandmother used to say, "Life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself; learn from mine."
I found the post I referenced. It was originally posted in 2012 by MomNMore. I'm a techno ding bat . . .but I was able to copy and paste it. See below.
Please let us know how you, your son & daughter are doing.
Wishing you peace, saying a prayer & sending hugs. Hang in there!
Lynn
******************************************************************************************************************
Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God.
Good Morning to you too, Lisa!!!
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts & prayers. Yes, Lisa, I AM one tough cookie. (I've been called other things. . LOL) But all of my strength, bravado & prayers at times is no match for the emptiness I feel. It's like a part of my heart is gone. . .and so are so many dreams. . .of going wedding gown shopping, having grandchildren, helping her buy her first home. . . are gone, too.
It was one thing to go for a week or 10 days without her calling me. But that's because I knew I could reach out to her if I wanted. It's another to know I'll never be able to call, text or FB her again. Or hear her voice. . . or hold her. It was one thing not to have an address for my daughter in FL or the name of her clinician. At one point in time this drove me crazy. Then I started to detach and go to meetings. But I knew deep-down inside if I really wanted or needed the info, within 30 minutes of me snooping/googling, I'd have it. It's another to know that her address is now in care of a cemetery.
One side of me wants to curl up and just die. How can I continue without my only child? My baby? My side kick? The driving force behind ALL decisions I've made in my life for the last 22 years? Ok. . .that's the predominate side right now. Then, there is this sliver of old Lynn that says, "Be sad. Grieve. Mourn. But, I am alive. . .God didn't take me. There is something more I am do to on this earth than just veg and cry. I must pick up the pieces and move forward." This side faces the financial reality of being (in part) self-employed. Veggie out. . .having a full blown pity party. . .calculates into me having virtually NO income. So I have no choice but to ease back to all my jobs. But I am trying to take it slow. I have the same S on my chest right now. But. . .don't tell anybody. . . it doesn't stand for SuperWoman any more; it stands for Sad.
Sssshhh. . .I have a certain sense of relief. God, I feel guilty for even typing that. Being the mom of an addict is mentally physically, emotionally and financially exhausting. I commend folks like Dee, Sue, Lori, Love & others who have been doing this for decades. All I know is that I've noticeably relaxed. God forgive me! I don't hate the phone any more, either.
Did I confuse you on how I'm feeling? If so, then you know how I'm feeling. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Relieved. Empty. Anything and everything BUT a tough cookie.
'Nough said. . .
Y'all are stuck with me! LOL.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers!!!
Sending hugs,
Lynn
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts & prayers. Yes, Lisa, I AM one tough cookie. (I've been called other things. . LOL) But all of my strength, bravado & prayers at times is no match for the emptiness I feel. It's like a part of my heart is gone. . .and so are so many dreams. . .of going wedding gown shopping, having grandchildren, helping her buy her first home. . . are gone, too.
It was one thing to go for a week or 10 days without her calling me. But that's because I knew I could reach out to her if I wanted. It's another to know I'll never be able to call, text or FB her again. Or hear her voice. . . or hold her. It was one thing not to have an address for my daughter in FL or the name of her clinician. At one point in time this drove me crazy. Then I started to detach and go to meetings. But I knew deep-down inside if I really wanted or needed the info, within 30 minutes of me snooping/googling, I'd have it. It's another to know that her address is now in care of a cemetery.
One side of me wants to curl up and just die. How can I continue without my only child? My baby? My side kick? The driving force behind ALL decisions I've made in my life for the last 22 years? Ok. . .that's the predominate side right now. Then, there is this sliver of old Lynn that says, "Be sad. Grieve. Mourn. But, I am alive. . .God didn't take me. There is something more I am do to on this earth than just veg and cry. I must pick up the pieces and move forward." This side faces the financial reality of being (in part) self-employed. Veggie out. . .having a full blown pity party. . .calculates into me having virtually NO income. So I have no choice but to ease back to all my jobs. But I am trying to take it slow. I have the same S on my chest right now. But. . .don't tell anybody. . . it doesn't stand for SuperWoman any more; it stands for Sad.
Sssshhh. . .I have a certain sense of relief. God, I feel guilty for even typing that. Being the mom of an addict is mentally physically, emotionally and financially exhausting. I commend folks like Dee, Sue, Lori, Love & others who have been doing this for decades. All I know is that I've noticeably relaxed. God forgive me! I don't hate the phone any more, either.
Did I confuse you on how I'm feeling? If so, then you know how I'm feeling. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Relieved. Empty. Anything and everything BUT a tough cookie.
'Nough said. . .
Y'all are stuck with me! LOL.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers!!!
Sending hugs,
Lynn
Were praying for you, Lynn.
This ain't a "done deal" for any of us.
Hugs.
Bob
This ain't a "done deal" for any of us.
Hugs.
Bob
Damn right....way to say PB...way to say !
You there, Con ?
Ya PB....kind of...
Con
For all the things you are going through, , thinking of you and praying for you everyday.
For all the things you are going through, , thinking of you and praying for you everyday.
Thanks Amma...and everyone....appreciate it
