Lost Wife

Hi, Im a 40 year old wife and mother. Married for 23 years. In Dec. 2003 I finally got my husband to admit that he had a problem. He has been sick since Dec. 27, which was his last day to use ??? He has been on oxygen, and had 5 bypasses at the age of 42. He returned to work last week, but I think he is using again. My heart is broke. I knew for 2 years that he was using, but he would lie. He makes good money and can do a lot of contract work that I can't find out about. I purchased some mth urine test and tried to make him use one.
He refused, saying that we could not live are lifes with me not trusting him. I'm
a nurse and was forced by him to quite my job in nov. 2003. I am going to go back to work to try to find some of me. My children age 21 and 19 are concerned that he may be using. I really love him, but at times I hate him. I think he would'nt take the drug test cause he knew it would be positive. Does people ever get over this. I don't know where to start. I feel I've wasted 23 years.
I'm so lost and alone.
Hi,

So sorry you are going through this alone. Narnon may be able to help you through this. Has your husband had any rehab or Na?

It sounds great that you are going back to work.

Take good care of YOU.

Many Blessings,

Joanne
my husband starting seeing a doctor that deals with addition. He put him on
wellbutrin and lexapro. Gave him methadone for 1 month. He con,t. to take the antideppresants as well as valium and remeron at bedtime. Somedays I think of just moving away, but I think my kids need me. I also feel I took a vow before God for better or worse , in sickness and health. There is no easy answers.
Only more and more questions. Thanks for your reply. He refuse to go to any support groups.

HI MY HSSBAND IS ADDICTED TO METH AND HE TOO MADE GOOD $ BEFORE HE WENT TO PRISON. NOW I HAVE NO SUPPORT & HE IS STILL USING EVEN LOCKED UP PERHAPS YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT THINK HE COULD GO TO JAIL
smittyswife, I can understand what your going through. I have been with my husband for 21 years. we have 3 wonderful children. 16,14 & 9 yrs old. he has left our home (july19). He said he needed to get cleaned w/o us being there. Guess what he moved in with his connection. He says he is not smoking meth, but I have my doubts. about a week ago he emailed me & told that he missed me & that he loved me. He just told me on Friday,Aug 6. That he loves because we have together for 21yrs. I just spoke to him today(aug.9) & he tells me that he is happy. He feels nothing when he talks to me. How am I suppose to feel. I am very heart broken. I asked him if we could go see a therapist before he decides to throw away 21 yrs. He said make the appt., but I don't know how a therapist is going to change my feelings. I have done so much much for my husband. I have always been there for him. I want to have a drug free husband & a father for our kids. Maybe I pushed the drug issue to much. I found him a program, made appt. with spirial healer & always allowed him back home after his 2 or 3 day binge. Do you think it is the drugs that is having him think this way. Please email at thezootrainer@aol.com. please please tsr
TSR. I tried to email you. Not sure if it went. Please think about your kids. They deserve a dad that is not a addict. My 21 and 19 year old say that they were ashame. That people in school that were there friends would see there dad at places, and knew he was cranking. He says he has not used since Dec. 27 2003. Don't believe him, for the last couple of weeks, my heart and his attitude tell me differant. Its very hard to walk away. I've been with him for 23 years.
He makes good money and for 20 of the 23 years was a great husband, friend, lover, father etc. People say to me you are a nurse, you can make it without him. You look good, you could find someone else. They Don't get it. I love him and wish I could fix things. I'm still trying to see if its worth the heart ache. Maybe I just don't have the balls to leave. When you have been with someone this long as you and I have. Its hard to think about how you could live, survive, function. If you know what I mean. The lord guides me each day, if I listen. I wish they could just do surgery on someone brain and undo the wires that
makes people addicted. Or maybe shock the heck out of them when they use.
I will pray for you now and each day. You and your kids deserve better, look to your future. WHATS THERE ???
SMITTYSWIFE, thankyou for the email. When you have been with someone for 20 + yrs it is hard to imagine life without them. He would always tell me that I was his best friends, his soul mate, his one & only lover, & that he could not see living without me. Coutd the meth have that much affect on the brain. I feel he just wants to be mean to me so I can move on with my life. My family is my life & he is part of it. I am not ready to throw in the towel. I cant see myself starting over in life. I am 4yrs older than you and the thought terrifies me. After he left rehap 3yrs ago I really thought he was clean. Until 2yrs ago I was informed by a mutual friend that he had started using again. I went into over drive and found web sites that might help him. Found him NA meetings & we went together, drove him to work & picked him up, so that he couldn't go to his connections house after he got of work, we prayed together ect....Can you beleave I feel I pushed the issue to much or maybe not enough. I tried EVERYTHING, & I still love him.Since he left us (july 19) he has visited the kids once and called once.
On the other hand The last text message i got from him was on Aug 2 telling me "I love you a lot". He has me so confused. I am stressing, anxiety taking control, I'm depressed and I still love him. I will email you later. Have to feed the zoo (my kids). bye, tsr
Hi, Got your email Thanks. Sometimes I think it would be easier if my husband just left. I'm sure I would freak, but I wouldn't have to get the balls to leave. Today I found 2 small tape recorders, that he placed in the house and in my car. He thinks I am trying to get me another man. He says I should, after the way he has done. I tell him that I don't want anyone but him. I think its his brain.
The meth plays tricks on their brains. My wish for you is that you can make it without your husband. Your kids are still young and you could make a new start for you and them. I'm sure it would be scary. I'm not sure if I told this, But my husband had 5 bypasses on 4-30-04. He has lung problems and sees a psychologist. This has all happened since he supposely stopped the meth. I've been very good to him, loved him, prayed that the lord would let him live. He laid in ccu for 3 days on a vent. The doctors said that he had done this to his lungs with the meth. He survived and I don't think he did any for about 2 and a half months. If Open heart surgery, 4 chest tubes in your lungs and a tube down your throat, tied to the bed don't change you. I really don't think there is anything anyone can do for someone on meth, If they don't want to stop. I've honestly said to him that if he does it again I hope it drops you in your tracks.
Sounds mean and evil, I'm sorry I've done alot of hurting and need to do alot of praying and forgiving. I'll email you again soon. Hope you and your kids are having a wonderful time.
SMITTYSWIFE, Well a lot has happened since the last post. My dear old husband calls me & wants to know how I am doing. What am I suppose to say "wonderful". I am doing terrible. He called to inform that that he has taken off his wedding ring & he is wearing it around his neck. He continues to tell me how happy he is. I asked him if he was going to file for divorce, his reply " I thought about it". I told him "if you want a divorce, you will have to file. I'm not giving up on us or this family". I forgot to mention, it does'nt help when you you work in the same place. I work with him 2 nights aweek. I went into work on Friday night & there he was. I played him off. He came up to me about 1 hour before lunch & asked me what I was going to do for lunch. I said nothing. He offered to take me out. Yea he took me out alright. To tell me that he has taken me off the ck'ing acct.& to inform me, that he will only be giving me $350 aweek instead of $400 we had agreed on. I really think the crack house (where he is staying) is brain washing him. I know my husband would not do this. Sure enough, later during our lunch time, it slipped out. They told me to do this " put closure to this marriage & move on". When we were the car he gets a phone call, its the people where he is staying. They are very upset he is even talking to me. Its like they own him. I worked with him on Saturday night. We talked. I can see the love in his eyes for me. Though he is fighting his feelings. He tells me "I can see you are hurting & I don't want to hurt you anymore".
Then he tell me"Don't you think I know that you want to hug & kiss me right now". I paused for a moment. & replyed "NO I don't, right know, all I want is answers to so many questions. I am so confused. I will email you the questions and send you his reply. If i ever get any answers. He is suppose to come visit the kids today. Like usual "NO SHOW". Well friend I must go. The washing machine & dryer are calling me. bye, str
Maybe I can help shed some light on your situations. I will be turning 50 next month, have been abusing speed for 35 years, and here I am still looking for answers.I used to make good money also , but between my wife and I it all went to getting wired. I have also gone thru a couple treatment programs.which I will admit gave me the knowledge that helped when I wanted to quit, problem is wanting. I have found only one solution that works, getting away from everything and everyone I know that uses.and that only works because I know that to continue living I have to stop.the sad truth is that is only way your husbands will quit , is when they decide they have to , or die. the more you try to control them , the more they will do . the only control you have is with your life, do what you have to , to take control of your lives for yourselves and children.Set the example of living a clean , sober, responsible life.you need to divorce him and make your"agreement" a court ordered thing. to keep allowing him the ability to control what was good in his life , he will always be justifying his use as being ok.speaking for myself, as long as I havnt hit bottom I find a way of convincing myself it is ok , a hard bounce off the bottom is the only thing that wakes me up ,good luck, I hope I might have helped in some way
SMITTYSWIFE, Well i am still in S. California & I am doing better. I am staying @ my inlaws house. They are very supportive. We rented that beach house in Mexico and we had a wonderful time. I should be leaving to go back home by this weekend. The kids start school on Sept. 1. I have called the District Attorney of San Francisco & they referred me to the Child Support Dept. After talking to a case worker & getting answer to so many questions. I was informed that it could take up to 6 months before my case will be heard by a judge. Thats STINKS!. I will email & post on the recovery guide when I get home. your friend, tsr
Smittyswife, Well I finally made it home, after being on the road for 10 hrs. It was all worth it. I know I gave my kids a vacation they will never forget. The weather was great (80 - 85 degree). Before I left, my husband had informed me that he would be coming over the house to pick up more of his stuff. I managed to hide some valuable things & took out the computer. I forgot to take the printer and when I can home the printer/scanner was gone. He is suppose to come & see the kids today. I called him this morning & asked him to call before he comes over & to please return our printer. My two oldest kids are very upset with their dad. I will be very busy this week. The kids start school Sept.1 & come Monday I have to go to the Child suppport dept. & fill out papers. OK friend, I must go & get our house in order. I'll keep intouch. your friend, tsr
Justonemore, Thankyou for your reply. It is very hard to give up on someone you love, but I can see your point about the "Controlling" issue. Those were not my intentions. All I wanted to do is help him. I don't see how a divorce would help. I still love my husband & I know he loves me. I can see it in his body language & eyes. Sounds dumb. Please help me understand the way my husband is thinking. You have read my postings on this site. Is it possible to love someone for 21 yrs and then 3 or 4 days later tell you "he does'nt love you anymore". I have read a lot of article,read books & visited many web sites regarding my husband meth addiction & they all tell me " its the drug that is talking to you".
Please help me understand. many many thanks, tsr
tsr; I respect your belief and faith in your marriage and your husband. He is a lucky man to have someone trying to stand by him , understand him , help him . His problem (amongst the other bigger problems) is he wont know what he has untill he has lost it, more than likely. My thought is that by you being the one to make a stand for what is right , it will bring the bottom up to him , for him to bounce off of . I am firm believer that hitting bottom is the only wake up call a lover of meth will even notice. I am not saying you need to end it all completly, therein lies the other pitfall.......leaving him feeling lost and with no reason to care.......let's do even more so I am going too fast to notice or feel anything in the here and now. It would be great if there was a magical way of ending the craving for more speed. I dont think that will ever happen tho, not in this society where everything needs to be done yesterday, so much to do, so little time, and a starbucks on every corner, sometimes I just think there are some of us that need a bit more than that double expresso, but I have to admit if something has control over you , rather than you having control over it ,......it is a problem oh, and dont get too offended by the people he hangs with tryin to get him to stay away from you it is only either 1;wanting to keep their cash flow up if it's his connection ,2; moochers makin sure they always have someone to bumm a lil bit from , or3; parranoid tweaks worried that since you dont use you will give them up to police, or 4;a lot of tweaks just have to stir up s*** to feel better about themselves from what I have read, he has a good woman, that is doing her best to understand, be supportive, and help to have a long and lasting caring relationship.but like with kids , ya have to be tough sometimes , it will feel like you are losing part of you , but what is the alternative? really losing part of you ......forever I feel like a rambling fool , but maybe it helps you some , good luck
Hello, I am a single father of two boys, ages 4 and 2. And I must say that I know both sides, addict and recovery. I've lied and been lied too. My ex-wife's choice was one of the hardest things for me to believe. I knew where me and her relationship standed, but her choice was crystal meth over her children.