Its such the classic behaviour of an addict. Less than a month ago we were celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary and buying new wedding bands, now he tells me he wants a divorce. We both have had our battles with addiction. The last time I had the relapse and had agreed to go to a Rejuvination Center. My husband pretty much pushed me into it. When I woke up the morning of my departure, I discovered my husband full blown in a relapse. To make a long story short, we both have behaviours that we'd like to forget we do while we are in a relapse. I apparently am more forgiving than he. While his addiction is mainly alchohol, I decided to stop purchasing it. After about a week, we went out with friends, not very healthy ones I might add and sure enough we drank and the night was a disaster. We made up but it seems that the cycle continued. About every third day or so, my husband seemed to want to drink. He'd find something to argue about so he could go to friends house and engage in his addiction. He'd even find something to celebrate so we would drink. This all happened so fast I truely don't know what to think. He left one day and while he was getting his overnight bag ready, I told him to leave and not to come back. Well this time he hasn't. I found that he was going through our things and taking what he wanted and leaving me a mess. The anger and frustration I felt got unbearable that I had the locks changed on the house. I then found out that he had our 6 yr old daughter climb through the doggie door. My only alternative was a restraing order which was granted. In Our last few conversations he has once said he doesn't love me anymore, which I find hard to believe, and that he can't take the behaviors I sometimes do anymore. He has also said that he doesn't want to put the kids through anymore. Now in Feb of 2001 he went into re-hab. He was sober for about 8 months. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. Recently, he left me a note one morning that said "lets do life sober together" "I love you when we are together" He was drunk at the time, but you get my point. The last thing I want is a divorce. We have been together for 22 years, 3 children and a new home. I'm afraid he is very serious about this and I truely believe that his denial and disease are wanting him so much that they are going to win this time. He agreed to meet me at my therapists office, which used to be his also until he started drinking again and I was so happy. After 10 minutes she asked him whether or not he wanted to save our marriage and he replied with a smug "there is nothing left to save" My reaction was probably not a good one, but I got up and left. I sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out. Just about everyone I know thinks I should play back and that he will turn around. The days that I can get angry, I am ok but most of the time, between the Holidays and the memories I crumble. I miss him so much and I have written to him several times telling him my feelings and some ideas on what we can do and I've yet to get a reply. We have 3 children, 11,9,6 and he hasn't mentioned to them anything about a divorce, he has just told them that this isn't their fault. It took my 2 boys almost 2 weeks before they even wanted to talk to him. I asked them every day to call him mainly because I new that I would hear that I told them not to call him and sure enough I did hear it. What this all boils down to is a marriage ending because of two peoples addictions, not because of adultery or they don't love each other or no longer have anything in common. What I need help with is advice on how to get him to realize, I think, that deep down inside his disease is what is making him run. To get him to try to remember that a little over a year ago things were great. Less than a month ago he hit the nail on the head with "lets do life sober toghether" How did things change for him so fast? Does any one know what he is going through or myself for that matter? I'd love to hear some thoughts.
Thanks
Hi there,
It sounds as though your husband is trying to escape his problems by running away from them. His addiction seems to be a form of escapism, if he relapses after arguments and at stressful times and by turning his back on you he seems to again be trying to run away from problems. To try and understand him try to think of what caused his addiction in the first place that must have lead to it being his way of coping. It may be easier for him to see the problems in his life as coming from you rather than himself. Having said that, your addiction and your "unhealthy" friends may also be contributing to his relapses. If you have a group of friends where any form of drug abuse is the norm it can be very hard to break free from that. Have you or him been seeking treatment recently? Your problems must be very hard on your children and I really hope you can at least find a way to get along peacefully.
It sounds as though your husband is trying to escape his problems by running away from them. His addiction seems to be a form of escapism, if he relapses after arguments and at stressful times and by turning his back on you he seems to again be trying to run away from problems. To try and understand him try to think of what caused his addiction in the first place that must have lead to it being his way of coping. It may be easier for him to see the problems in his life as coming from you rather than himself. Having said that, your addiction and your "unhealthy" friends may also be contributing to his relapses. If you have a group of friends where any form of drug abuse is the norm it can be very hard to break free from that. Have you or him been seeking treatment recently? Your problems must be very hard on your children and I really hope you can at least find a way to get along peacefully.
Hi victim..... My sister and both parents are victims of alcholism. You know how it feels, eh? seeing your loved ones changing personalities and becoming paranoid monsters from hell after drinking the poison called alcohol.
I am a doctor of osteopathy. My training and personal interest in this problem led me to research this system sanctioned disease. Please note that the prob. is a lot bigger than mere lack of control and escapism. Please do a web search with the words alchoholism, hypoglycemia..... You will find that increased stress decreases the level of the bnrain chemical serotonin . This causes the alcohol craving. Please look into the low blood sugar connection also and find a non traditional practioner who can advise re hypoglycemia. This can be simply addressed via little meals throughout the day etc.
Please let me know if i can share anything else. contact me at handwriting22@on.aibn.com.
Lynn Powers, D.O.
I am a doctor of osteopathy. My training and personal interest in this problem led me to research this system sanctioned disease. Please note that the prob. is a lot bigger than mere lack of control and escapism. Please do a web search with the words alchoholism, hypoglycemia..... You will find that increased stress decreases the level of the bnrain chemical serotonin . This causes the alcohol craving. Please look into the low blood sugar connection also and find a non traditional practioner who can advise re hypoglycemia. This can be simply addressed via little meals throughout the day etc.
Please let me know if i can share anything else. contact me at handwriting22@on.aibn.com.
Lynn Powers, D.O.
It sounds like you are stuck in the problem, with a great deal of focus on what your husband is doing or not doing or saying or not saying.
I know this may sound familiar, but I find hanging out with people in recovery is a lot better than being alone. It also helps to keep my thinking from being overly agonizing. The world can seem like a scary and isolating place without people we can relate to and rely on to listen. Why not try a meeting?
I know this may sound familiar, but I find hanging out with people in recovery is a lot better than being alone. It also helps to keep my thinking from being overly agonizing. The world can seem like a scary and isolating place without people we can relate to and rely on to listen. Why not try a meeting?
Alcoholism is a desiese. It destroys your life and it kills you if untreated.
I suggest getting the "AA Big Book" to learn about the disease and also what has worked for thousands who have alcoholism.
I would also suggest calling the AA hot line in your area for a visit from a local member of AA.
Feel free to keep contact here also, via postings.
I'll share what I know as to my own findings, experience, hope, and strength.
I suggest getting the "AA Big Book" to learn about the disease and also what has worked for thousands who have alcoholism.
I would also suggest calling the AA hot line in your area for a visit from a local member of AA.
Feel free to keep contact here also, via postings.
I'll share what I know as to my own findings, experience, hope, and strength.
