I am married to an amazing and wonderful man, who has a history of crack addiction. He has been an addict for 17 years. He is a pastor, just starting our the ministry as missionaries in Mexico, and today he left to go to a prayer group and never arrived at the church. When he never came home after, I called his cell and a man answered and told me he'd sold his phone for 200 pesos. I know he has gone to use, and I know there is nothing for me to do but wait and pray. I am not sure how to handle this when he comes home. As his wife, I love him unconditionally, even when loving him means CHOOSING to love him. But at the same time, I cannot enable him. I will stand by his side no matter what the future holds, but I really am at a loss for what to say or how to respond when he comes home. What is the next step? How do families get through this? Can anyone help me? Thank you!
Welcome, I suppose your behavior and words when he returns are dictated by what you find acceptable ...what are your boundaries? Is it okay with you that he disappears and sells his phone for drugs? Is it okay that you don't know where he is or what he is doing? Unconditional love does not mean you in any way support his using or make it easy for him to do so...it means merely that you love him and want what's best for him and your marriage and your family...not that you stand by helplessly and do nothing to help YOURSELF. You seem to have healthy boundaries in understanding that you do not wish to enable him...but I know this must be very hard for you to be in a new country dealing with this...very stressful.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
I'm in the midst of something similar. My husband didn't come home last night. He's got my car and only had about $20 but he has in the past loaned out the car in exchange for drugs. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty praying out of desperation. I hope he's okay. He typically hasn't been gone this long. I also feel like I enable him and don't know how to stop because I don't want to end our marriage.
This sucks.
This sucks.
Hello to allthe ladies,
I hope this post finds you, if not your spouses, well. Just to make things clear I was once like your loved ones. An uncontrollable crackhead. My wife of 23yrs put up with more than any one would possibly think reasonable, and now she is my ex.
I believe I have beaten this addiction, but it has taken alot of time and effort. The first thing you must determine is if the addict wants to qiut.This must be demonstrated with a willingness to submit to whatever terms and conditions recovery presents itself.
The first step I would take is the removal of all sources of money. This will be the start of a series of many uncomfortable consequences we addicts must face in order to liberate ourselves from our usage. As I said that's step one, if you find your addict willing to go without money indefinately, I believe we are on the path to a new life.
I look forward to heaaring more about your journeys.
Sincerely,
Larrylive.
PS to learn more about my struggle please read recoveredcracackhead@yahoo.
I hope this post finds you, if not your spouses, well. Just to make things clear I was once like your loved ones. An uncontrollable crackhead. My wife of 23yrs put up with more than any one would possibly think reasonable, and now she is my ex.
I believe I have beaten this addiction, but it has taken alot of time and effort. The first thing you must determine is if the addict wants to qiut.This must be demonstrated with a willingness to submit to whatever terms and conditions recovery presents itself.
The first step I would take is the removal of all sources of money. This will be the start of a series of many uncomfortable consequences we addicts must face in order to liberate ourselves from our usage. As I said that's step one, if you find your addict willing to go without money indefinately, I believe we are on the path to a new life.
I look forward to heaaring more about your journeys.
Sincerely,
Larrylive.
PS to learn more about my struggle please read recoveredcracackhead@yahoo.
I am sure this is pretty hard for you. I am currently going through a similar situation. I have been with my fiance for 4 years andI have found out he has been smoking crack. When I went into this relationship I was not advised of this skelton in the closet.... We have a 16 month old daughter and this has been pretty tough as I have not dealt with this before. The main thing I could say is seek help with a treatment facility. If he loves you he will do something about his addiction. I tried to help my fiance but it was not enough. All the tears I shed would not make a difference. Don't be ashamed.... In my situation I was ashamed to tell my family and his family about what was going on. If I had seeked treatment for him at an earlier time maybe things would not had gotten so bad. I cannot tell you how many times my bank account was zero'd out and the violence that came along with the withdrawls. I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers.
Thank you to everyone who replied. I do not want to enable him- but because of my faith I also cannot leave him. He came home last week after just the one day gone, and his family wanted to send him to rehab then and there. But we agreed that we would wait, let him dig into his ministry and see what God would do... And he seemed to be doing ok. Our bible studies seemed to be speaking right to him- he has been teaching on NOT continuing in sin, but this afternoon I had a bad headache and while I was lying down, he slipped out. He didn't take his wallet, he has no money with him, but he's gone. He was an addict in his teens, and his mom says if he didn't take money he will go and steal to support the addiction. I dont understand- we had money here, right in his wallet, but he took nothing. I am scared that this time he wont be coming home. Something feels different to me... I don't know what to do. If something happens to him, he doesn't even have his ID... I hate this. I feel trapped. Should I send him to rehab???
Larrylive- I understand what yoiu said about cutting off all sources of money. But since today he left WITHOUT ANY, I don't know if that would help... Have you been in rehab centers? My brother-in-law is a recovering addict as well and he thinks we should send him away for 9 months. Which leaves me with the question of what to do in Mexico for 9 months without my husband... This is all just so painful. I never thought he would start using again, and when he came home last week, he seemed so broken... Today before he left he made the whole family lunch, and since I had headache he helped me into bed... He was so loving and attentive and then everyone else went out back for a few minutes and apparently while they were outside, he slipped out the front... I don't know what to do. I refuse to leave him, but I don't really know how to support him without enabeling him. Any advice on that???
kind of in Gods hands isnt it?
Well, yeah, I guess it IS in God's hands. I am just trying to figure out what my part in all of this should be... Rehab or not? How to support without enabling...?
you will have to trust that he and God have their relationship and that you and God have yours because he will have to find his own way and unfortunately it has nothing to do with you...it is a feeling of helplessness, isnt it? I know, i pray that my son finds God and that he is still in rehab and I am reading spiritual material myself tonite, as I am feeling low too
chela.renee
What has happened? Can you update us?
What has happened? Can you update us?
Funny I was thinking the same thing, but that is the nature of this disease, not to mention people like me. I haven't been through in a bit.
Still not smoking crack and still have money. But OMG, life realy is crazy wild.
Lost the love of my life, she went back out (she never stopped actually) but after she ODed she packed everything and split. Her choice, no drugs at my house.
Life in recovery and they say it gets better....
Larry
Still not smoking crack and still have money. But OMG, life realy is crazy wild.
Lost the love of my life, she went back out (she never stopped actually) but after she ODed she packed everything and split. Her choice, no drugs at my house.
Life in recovery and they say it gets better....
Larry
Hello reading your stories made me scared, I am currently in relationship with a cocaine addict hes been cleaned for 7 months till he slipped this month. I did not know about his addiction till the day he slipped. I love him so much but reading some of the post here made me think twice, I still have time to back out of this relationship, I am still young, he is 7 years older than me. He is kind and caring as a boyfriend but after he slipped he never been the same, he will always question me on little things like why I did not answer the phone right away when he called, why I wasn't sending him text messages anymore, and me make big deal on almost anything. I love the man but I am afraid I don't have enough knowledge on how to help him. I always assure him that I will never turn my back on him. His parents gave up on him after his last slipped. What am I going to do should I proceed with the relationship or not. But for the record I do love the man with all my heart.
I hope when you take these addicts back, and I am one of them, you are careful about sex for most of us do some pretty unsafe things when high, I got tested and am clean praize the lord, I tried to be safe even when high but thats not always easy. This has helped me, want to stay that way. My other half loves me and has been very loving and patient with me, but not so dumb as to let me give them anything. Hope you are all that wize. Your love and support is priceless to a recovering addict, but don't die tring to help them.
I too am married to a crack addict. He was clean for a while after a stint in jail and slipped this past April. Since then it has continued to escalate. He is an amazing man. I know he loves me very much and I love him the same. He currently uses 3 to 4 times a week. He's promised to quit more than a dozen times and I believe when he makes the promise that he sincerely wants to stop the madness but as soon as he gets stressed it's out the window. I'm heartbroken. I have to go out of town next week for work and he'll have our only car. He gets up and works HARD everyday, even after using but I'm terrified that while I'm gone he'll go to jail, or get caught somehow. He's on probation so it would really screw up our life.. I'm so anxious I find it hard to function and breathe some days. I have cried more the past 3 months than I have my whole life. It's ripping my heart apart.
I've been married for 1 1/2 this April it will be two years, and been together for 6 years. We have a daughter and I'm 7 weeks pregnant. He started doing crack back in 2012 and its just been a struggle for him to stop. It really starts when he drinks beer then he starts wanting to take off and get high. He has taken off with my car and just stops working. Sometimes he would go to work and get off early and not even show up where i needed to pick him up. He would say he's going to take the bus to go find a job and not return. He's stolen money from my purse, took out money from our bank accounts when they were joint accounts, overdrafted, also he has taken nothing at all, but starts to steal stuff to support his habit. The longest he has been out their in the streets is for two and half months. He's been gone now for about a week and a half. He stole money from me and lied and said he needed to drop something off at his boss's house. Then he ended up driving to the crack houses, lying and takes off running. We are believers in Christ. I do not believe in the "D" word. (divorce). I see his ambition on life when he is sober, then out of the blue he messes up again. Then when he's tired he'll call and say im sorry please come pick me up. Their i go. Even sometime I go looking for him. This time i haven't, i have been trying to give it to God an praying, and staying positive. I am trying to stay joyful but he's always in my mind thinking is he okay, is he still alive. He doesn't have a phone due to the fact every time we have bought a phone for him, he sold it. Me being pregnant and sick as a dog, and HORMONES. It has really been hard.
Hi JessAyub,
As a fellow Christian too, I have found great strength in the story of the prodigal son..Luke 15: 11-27.
Take a look at how the prodigal's father handled his sons wayward behavior.
He did nothing
The father could have gone and gotten the son because he was a man of means. He also could have tried communicating, sent his servants to keep him up to date with what his son was doing...but he did nothing.
As time passed, the son sunk lower and lower until he reached his bottom.
Then scripture says...he came to his senses
It was only then that things changed and his father welcomed him back with open loving arms.
The father could have....
-Sent him money which would have prolonged the son from coming to his senses.
-He could have dragged the son home which would have caused family friction and resentments
-The father could have given into guilt and helped the son out somehow because he was, after all, his son
But he did...nothing
A wise man that father I would say
As a fellow Christian too, I have found great strength in the story of the prodigal son..Luke 15: 11-27.
Take a look at how the prodigal's father handled his sons wayward behavior.
He did nothing
The father could have gone and gotten the son because he was a man of means. He also could have tried communicating, sent his servants to keep him up to date with what his son was doing...but he did nothing.
As time passed, the son sunk lower and lower until he reached his bottom.
Then scripture says...he came to his senses
It was only then that things changed and his father welcomed him back with open loving arms.
The father could have....
-Sent him money which would have prolonged the son from coming to his senses.
-He could have dragged the son home which would have caused family friction and resentments
-The father could have given into guilt and helped the son out somehow because he was, after all, his son
But he did...nothing
A wise man that father I would say
