Martin...dont you DARE give in to that ! Dont you DARE !! You are worthy and needed. Slap yourself up side your head and shake it off....Sending you strength and love
Con
Thanks Con. It's all good. I'm accepting every part of me for the first time in a long time, including the fact that part of me has wanted to die for decades. There's lots of me that doesn't want to die.....so I just need to face that murderous part of me and hear it out....sometimes it's very strong but I know - from decades of trying - that denying it and toughing it out and driving myself harder and harder to avoid my anxiety, fear and dread has just led me to live a half-life and a slow death......I've been grinding to a halt...
AA, Al-anon, counselling and people on this board are helping me find the resources inside myself I need to be able to hold that part of me and love it back to health. I don't fear it anymore Con.....as a very wise old man at AA said to me months ago...."in the end, for me, it boils down to Fear or Faith"....much to my surprise I'm losing my fear....(chuckles inside....)..what about finding Faith, a small voice asks?....lol....a memory returns....a few days after talking with her and her twin brother about finding their biological dad, my (then) 11 year-old-daughter - who is really my step daughter - was arguing with me because I was sending her to bed ....she was half way up the stairs in a real strop when she paused, turned, and with a twinkle in her eye said "anyway, you're not my real dad you know."
I'm going to be fine Con, and your loving acceptance of who I really am right now is part of the reason why. And....ye gods... THAT realisation in my bones instead of in my head really helps me in another part of my journey - where my ex is at and how my issues continue to harm her. I'm such a slow learner...damn.....but at least I'm not beating myself up ..... wow....real time learning here ........Thanks Con....so very much.
Keep yourself safe, well and happy.
Martin
AA, Al-anon, counselling and people on this board are helping me find the resources inside myself I need to be able to hold that part of me and love it back to health. I don't fear it anymore Con.....as a very wise old man at AA said to me months ago...."in the end, for me, it boils down to Fear or Faith"....much to my surprise I'm losing my fear....(chuckles inside....)..what about finding Faith, a small voice asks?....lol....a memory returns....a few days after talking with her and her twin brother about finding their biological dad, my (then) 11 year-old-daughter - who is really my step daughter - was arguing with me because I was sending her to bed ....she was half way up the stairs in a real strop when she paused, turned, and with a twinkle in her eye said "anyway, you're not my real dad you know."
I'm going to be fine Con, and your loving acceptance of who I really am right now is part of the reason why. And....ye gods... THAT realisation in my bones instead of in my head really helps me in another part of my journey - where my ex is at and how my issues continue to harm her. I'm such a slow learner...damn.....but at least I'm not beating myself up ..... wow....real time learning here ........Thanks Con....so very much.
Keep yourself safe, well and happy.
Martin
I can understand death wish Martin...even death curiosity...hell...im a junkie...or x one now I guess...strange...but its something Ive been wondering about too latley...coming to terms with it...and the old man couldnt have said it better...fear or faith...think its also a trust issue too...to trust in the process...whether its the life process or the process of self knowing...but Martin...sometimes I think we dont have to know every single thing about ourselves to trust in it...sometimes...there are things that need to be left alone ....you know its there but like a scab...sometimes its better not to pick at it to much...hugs !
Thanks Con, yep, I agree with that. I'm just following my instincts - my HP - because something inside me is so happy and exicted that I'm listening at last....that I'm standing up for me....that an adult is taking care...you know?
I'm impatient, but I'm learning exactly what you say....one day at a time, one step at a time, trust the process....Thanks for taking the time.
I've been very preoccupied with me the past few weeks. How's you?
I'm impatient, but I'm learning exactly what you say....one day at a time, one step at a time, trust the process....Thanks for taking the time.
I've been very preoccupied with me the past few weeks. How's you?
Grin ..:) Im fighting the fight Martin...like you said...one day at a time...and knowing Im not the one driving the train these days...leaving that to God when I need to...and no...Im definetly not a preaching type.....its just the way Ive been thinking latley. Im a junkie Martin...and that part of me still wants it fix...but Im trying to be the grown up now...were having a hell of a fight :) LOL !!
