I came clean with my husband yesterday, called my old sponsor, and flushed my remaining pills today.
That's all I can say. Anyone who's done it knows what I'm going through. Prayers would be nice, but I don't feel too deserving right now - it's a miracle my husband didn't walk out the door.
Good morning...moms..Im sorry Im not sure whats going on with you as Im MIA on here alot.
However what your going through I know only too well.
Of course you deserve prayers huny.Addicts for the most part arent bad people.They have a sickness that is never ending.
So I will of course keep you in my prayers.
Moms try to remember....its not a sin to fall...its only a sin if you dont try to pick yourself up.
No matter what you are trying...I commend you for that
Lovemj
However what your going through I know only too well.
Of course you deserve prayers huny.Addicts for the most part arent bad people.They have a sickness that is never ending.
So I will of course keep you in my prayers.
Moms try to remember....its not a sin to fall...its only a sin if you dont try to pick yourself up.
No matter what you are trying...I commend you for that
Lovemj
Congratulations AM - I am so happy you flushed the pills. You did the right thing by telling your husband. You are doing the right thing to call your sponser. I know it isn't easy and I wouldn't wish withdraw on my worst enemy but I believe you can do it!
When it comes to the point where you are so sick and so miserable, it is time!
There is no reason why you can't do this. I will pray for you. You deserve a new life! Keep posting. You will get alot of support. You need all you can get. Remember not everyone will tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you what you need to hear.
Alice
When it comes to the point where you are so sick and so miserable, it is time!
There is no reason why you can't do this. I will pray for you. You deserve a new life! Keep posting. You will get alot of support. You need all you can get. Remember not everyone will tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you what you need to hear.
Alice
Thanks, gals. MJ might remember some of my past here, but just to fill you in I joined in 2005! I read on another thread that Frank (FS guy) joined abut the same time and now has 4 years clean. (Hi Frank - congrats!) THAT was really hard to read- that he stayed clean and I wasted 4 years.
During the past 4 years I've been in and out of NA, had 9 months clean once.
This time feels completely different. I looked at my pills yesterday and thought "I HATE YOU." For the past 15 + years, I have LOVED pills, but yesterday it became so clear that the power they have over me is not worth losing my family, or my LIFE.
Alice-I've been reading your posts and have watched you become stronger and stronger in your recovery.
MJ- You deserve all the congratulations for your clean time you can get - and if your family is toxic to you, you must keep them at arm's length and surround yourself with people who love you.
During the past 4 years I've been in and out of NA, had 9 months clean once.
This time feels completely different. I looked at my pills yesterday and thought "I HATE YOU." For the past 15 + years, I have LOVED pills, but yesterday it became so clear that the power they have over me is not worth losing my family, or my LIFE.
Alice-I've been reading your posts and have watched you become stronger and stronger in your recovery.
MJ- You deserve all the congratulations for your clean time you can get - and if your family is toxic to you, you must keep them at arm's length and surround yourself with people who love you.
If you will allow me, I would love to talk with you on the phone, Betsy. Please email at dsam2u@gmail.com and I'll send you my number.
You are a miracle in the making and have given me much hope today.
Love ~
Sammy
You are a miracle in the making and have given me much hope today.
Love ~
Sammy
AddictMom,
CONGRATULATIONS!! Yes, I think I know something of what you're going through, having flushed the remainder of my pills around the same time 5 years ago. You're showing great courage and have taken an incredibly important step. Your post made my day.
My only suggestion (in case you wanted any!) would be to now ask yourself, what are you going to do differently this time? The answer may differ from person to person. My own experience was that, after some research and introspection, I benefitted from trying some things I had never tried before, and relying less on some of the things I'd already tried. Most important, I needed to feel good and positive about by new-found sobriety, not ashamed or inferior because I was "starting over," etc.
I wish you the best, and hope your next 5 years are as good and fulfilling as mine have been . . . . one day at a time.
None
CONGRATULATIONS!! Yes, I think I know something of what you're going through, having flushed the remainder of my pills around the same time 5 years ago. You're showing great courage and have taken an incredibly important step. Your post made my day.
My only suggestion (in case you wanted any!) would be to now ask yourself, what are you going to do differently this time? The answer may differ from person to person. My own experience was that, after some research and introspection, I benefitted from trying some things I had never tried before, and relying less on some of the things I'd already tried. Most important, I needed to feel good and positive about by new-found sobriety, not ashamed or inferior because I was "starting over," etc.
I wish you the best, and hope your next 5 years are as good and fulfilling as mine have been . . . . one day at a time.
None
Hi,
You took a step and that makes you more than deserving of everyone's prayers!
My son is the addict in my family, and with each relapse I have to say I felt disappointment, but also relief when he admitted he had been using and needed help. I am sure your husband suspected, but wanted to ignore it.... You are very worthy of his support and love.........
Hang in there.
You will get my prayers for sure,
JT
You took a step and that makes you more than deserving of everyone's prayers!
My son is the addict in my family, and with each relapse I have to say I felt disappointment, but also relief when he admitted he had been using and needed help. I am sure your husband suspected, but wanted to ignore it.... You are very worthy of his support and love.........
Hang in there.
You will get my prayers for sure,
JT
Last time I was clean I definitely had "reservations." Look in the NA literature if you're not sure what those are - but anyway, I knew in my heart I wouldn't stay clean.
Something clicked this time: a combination of my age (I'll turn 50 this year), my daughter's wedding (don't want to be messed up for it), future grandkids (don't want to be under the influence and taking care of little ones), and health problems (liver pain, gall bladder pain) and, I do a lot of driving for my job, and lately it's been increasingly difficult to stay awake driving home at night. THANK GOD I haven't killed myself or anyone else.
I also had an awakening this morning: a few weeks ago when I found my sister close to death from too much morphine and valium, I called 911, got her cleaned up, and literally saved her life, God had more than HER life in mind that day - He had mine too.
Something clicked this time: a combination of my age (I'll turn 50 this year), my daughter's wedding (don't want to be messed up for it), future grandkids (don't want to be under the influence and taking care of little ones), and health problems (liver pain, gall bladder pain) and, I do a lot of driving for my job, and lately it's been increasingly difficult to stay awake driving home at night. THANK GOD I haven't killed myself or anyone else.
I also had an awakening this morning: a few weeks ago when I found my sister close to death from too much morphine and valium, I called 911, got her cleaned up, and literally saved her life, God had more than HER life in mind that day - He had mine too.
Add Mom
Congrats on your decision to flush the rest of your pills...that takes strength. My prayers will be with you. I am newly clean and understand whjat you are going through. My parayers are with you. God Bless!
Congrats on your decision to flush the rest of your pills...that takes strength. My prayers will be with you. I am newly clean and understand whjat you are going through. My parayers are with you. God Bless!
Betsy, YGM,,,,,,,,I will write more later!
love you, Carol
love you, Carol
Reservations - and we ain't talking about for dinner, are we Bets? <beg>
I remember a few 24 hours ago, it was suggested that I call the pharmacies where I had any refills on the drugs I abused and cancel those refills. Well...I did and went to visit my doctor (PCP) and informed him of my addiction. However, there was one pharmacy and one doctor that I did not inform. At the time, my best thinking said: "Well sure Sammy, this is what is suggested, but, but, but, what happens if you really get sick and need something for pain and can't get anything?" I held onto this one pharmacy and one doctor as my ace in the hole, whom I could turn to IF this situation should occur. This was nothing more than a reservation of my thinking and a projection into the future that I didn't know would happen or not! I was very good at projecting stuff that never occurred. As it turned out that refill talked to me the entire time it was available. I ended up getting it filled and this completed the relapse that I was already in.
It's much easier for me today when I keep it in the now. When I would think, oh my lordie - I'll never, ever be able to use again, I became overwhelmed. The statement: "One day at a time" just doesn't hang on the walls of the rooms like a pretty picture. One day at a time is all I have.
Anyhoot - here's a bit about reservations from the NA step study guide. Hope everyone has the best day ever!
Hugs all around ~
Sammy
_______________________________
Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like, "Okay, I accept that I can't control my using, but I can still sell drugs, can't I?" Or we may think we can remain friends with the people we used with or bought drugs from. We may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us. We may think there's something we just can't face clean-a serious illness, for instance, or the death of a loved one - and plan to use if it ever happens. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our using. Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them, right here, right now.
Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
==> Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
==> Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
==> Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my using?
==> What reservations am I still holding on to?
I remember a few 24 hours ago, it was suggested that I call the pharmacies where I had any refills on the drugs I abused and cancel those refills. Well...I did and went to visit my doctor (PCP) and informed him of my addiction. However, there was one pharmacy and one doctor that I did not inform. At the time, my best thinking said: "Well sure Sammy, this is what is suggested, but, but, but, what happens if you really get sick and need something for pain and can't get anything?" I held onto this one pharmacy and one doctor as my ace in the hole, whom I could turn to IF this situation should occur. This was nothing more than a reservation of my thinking and a projection into the future that I didn't know would happen or not! I was very good at projecting stuff that never occurred. As it turned out that refill talked to me the entire time it was available. I ended up getting it filled and this completed the relapse that I was already in.
It's much easier for me today when I keep it in the now. When I would think, oh my lordie - I'll never, ever be able to use again, I became overwhelmed. The statement: "One day at a time" just doesn't hang on the walls of the rooms like a pretty picture. One day at a time is all I have.
Anyhoot - here's a bit about reservations from the NA step study guide. Hope everyone has the best day ever!
Hugs all around ~
Sammy
_______________________________
Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like, "Okay, I accept that I can't control my using, but I can still sell drugs, can't I?" Or we may think we can remain friends with the people we used with or bought drugs from. We may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us. We may think there's something we just can't face clean-a serious illness, for instance, or the death of a loved one - and plan to use if it ever happens. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our using. Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them, right here, right now.
Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
==> Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
==> Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
==> Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my using?
==> What reservations am I still holding on to?
Good for you MA!!! And yes, you are deserving. Hugs.
Betsy sounds like you have the same support I had from my EX--
It takes a lot of guts and well you want a life--your 75% there the last 25%?
Up to you
Go for it--Jeff
P.S Talk to Sammy
It takes a lot of guts and well you want a life--your 75% there the last 25%?
Up to you
Go for it--Jeff
P.S Talk to Sammy
thanks for posting that quote about Reservations Sammy, I really needed to read that today.
AddictMom, I am an alkie not a pill addict - but one day at a time applies to both. Keeping it in the day is one of the hardest things to do, but its also the most important.
Some days when I was obsessing about drink I would tell myself, I just gotta get through today, just today. And I would literally feel myself relax, my shoulders would drop down and my stomach unclench.
Idgie
AddictMom, I am an alkie not a pill addict - but one day at a time applies to both. Keeping it in the day is one of the hardest things to do, but its also the most important.
Some days when I was obsessing about drink I would tell myself, I just gotta get through today, just today. And I would literally feel myself relax, my shoulders would drop down and my stomach unclench.
Idgie
Thanks, Idgie- "one day at a time" - so simple, so powerful.
I just wanted to add something else that's different this time. In the past whenever I fantasized about winning the lottery, I would always picture being able to order or get Rx's for all the drugs I wanted.
Lately the lottery fanatsy changed to me being able to afford to go to one of the best rehab facilities money can buy!
Lately the lottery fanatsy changed to me being able to afford to go to one of the best rehab facilities money can buy!
