I love my husband but I hate this drug and the mess it has made of this family. We can call him "Bo" so I don't have to keep typing "my husband". Bo denied that he was using meth for year and a half that I know of before he finally admitted he had a problem. He cannot kick this on his own and having just recently regained employment after being fired from his job 3 yrs ago at the same company. They know nothing of his problem at work and he will be fired for the last time if he fails a drug screen. He has been back 3 mos and low and behold this drug has found it's way back into his life. He's getting it from people on iob sites he says. He will not go to rehab because he can not approach his employer with this problem at all. I certainly need him to work because I have MS and get disability but I do not work. I get $631 a month a cannot make it on my own with my son on that kind of money so leaving is not possible plus he is not a danger to us or abusive. Idesperately want to help him through this and make everything ok but I know that this is out of my control. No amount of love, hate, anger, guilt or shame is going to help the situation AT ALL! But what can I do? People say kick him out and let him fall on his face. I get it and I know this is a typical "excuse" but his parents own the home we live in still so that is really not an option. We have a teenage son and Bo is an excellent father to him. He knows nothing of his fathers addiction but he is a brilliant kid and no doubt he knows something is going on between us. We don't share a bedroom anymore I sleep in the living room. Mostly because I am truly disgusted by the person he has become. Our sex life if non existant but he has another nasty addiction that goes hand in hand with meth, pornography. When he was just watching porn I didn't have an issue with it but it has progressed into something that is quite disturbing to me and I certainly never saw my husband in that way. Now I do t think there is any saving us because quite frankly I find this behavior to be the ultimate turn off. I deserve to be happy but I made a commitment till death do us part and I really am having a tough time right now making the right decisions for my son and myself. Can anyone offer any advice?
Dear albutler,
Regarding approaching his employer: Addiction is protected under the American's with Disabilities Act. If he comes forward with his problem, it is treated like he has cancer.
Regarding approaching his employer: Addiction is protected under the American's with Disabilities Act. If he comes forward with his problem, it is treated like he has cancer.
I can really only speak to the porn addiction as that is what I am recovering from. I've never had any substance abuse addictions to break. For the behavioral based ones like porn it really comes down to greed in my mind. Addiction is all about greed. I'm going to numb underlying issues I have on my terms, by myself, when I want and how I want. I'm going to self-medicate with porn, lust, masturbation, affairs, anonymous sex, meth, food, whatever. It's all about dealing with it all by myself though. It feels safe, no risk of rejection, easier than interacting with someone face to face in a healthy and appropriate relationship, etc.
While it's easy to focus on the behavior (looking at porn or masturbating) or focus on the means of delivery (phone, internet, movies, etc.) I found the key to recovery is getting at the underlying issues and root causes (for me the biggies were rejection, shame, perfectionism, lack of self-compassion, fear, etc.) where I tend to want to self-medicate or employ coping mechanisms (porn, masturbation, affairs, cyber sex, lust, etc.). I like to think that it's similar to when you have a bad cold. There is some value in focusing on the cold's symptoms (runny nose, cough, fever, etc.). Meaning if you have a runny nose you get tissues or a cough you need to decide what cough drops to buy. Take an aspirin or use a cold compress for the fever. However, to really get over it you need to get at the root of the cold. You might need to see a doctor or take antibiotics. We can't get too focused on which brand of tissues to buy or which cough drops work the best. That's only part of the solution.
While working through those underlying issues (a counselor or trained therapist is probably your best bet to help you do that) you also need to retrain your brain to turn to appropriate and healthy ways of interacting with real people. Right now your neural pathways have been established and produce rewards in the pleasure center of the brain (release of dopamine)from inappropriate actions. You need a reboot. A detox. Then as you interact with a support network of safe men that are real and open and honest who will listen to you as you cry out when in pain or need you will build new pathways. Instead of going online to soothe in those times I found you need to reach out and be vulnerable with another human being (and not someone anonymous online).
As you work at forging real, healthy and authentic relationships you can slowly create a new habit to replace the old inappropriate way of coping. Will it take time? Yes. Will you stumble and fall? Unfortunately, that is more than likely. I lead a men's support and accountability group and it happens to the best of us. But, if you do fall down think of it like a cross country match. If you fall down on the course they don't make you go back to the starting line and begin the race all over again. You simply get up where you are, dust off and keep on going. The mantra for all of us in recovery is this. It's about progress. Not perfection.
For the support group I lead we put together a website of all the materials that we share each week as discussion starters. There are tons of great book and article excerpts, links and even videos on there that you might find useful on your journey. They are the things that our group has found the most beneficial in the recovery process.
If you want to check it out it's at http://www.mymensgroup.net
Blessings to you as you seek to help him reboot his brain, heal, grow and ultimately recover!
While it's easy to focus on the behavior (looking at porn or masturbating) or focus on the means of delivery (phone, internet, movies, etc.) I found the key to recovery is getting at the underlying issues and root causes (for me the biggies were rejection, shame, perfectionism, lack of self-compassion, fear, etc.) where I tend to want to self-medicate or employ coping mechanisms (porn, masturbation, affairs, cyber sex, lust, etc.). I like to think that it's similar to when you have a bad cold. There is some value in focusing on the cold's symptoms (runny nose, cough, fever, etc.). Meaning if you have a runny nose you get tissues or a cough you need to decide what cough drops to buy. Take an aspirin or use a cold compress for the fever. However, to really get over it you need to get at the root of the cold. You might need to see a doctor or take antibiotics. We can't get too focused on which brand of tissues to buy or which cough drops work the best. That's only part of the solution.
While working through those underlying issues (a counselor or trained therapist is probably your best bet to help you do that) you also need to retrain your brain to turn to appropriate and healthy ways of interacting with real people. Right now your neural pathways have been established and produce rewards in the pleasure center of the brain (release of dopamine)from inappropriate actions. You need a reboot. A detox. Then as you interact with a support network of safe men that are real and open and honest who will listen to you as you cry out when in pain or need you will build new pathways. Instead of going online to soothe in those times I found you need to reach out and be vulnerable with another human being (and not someone anonymous online).
As you work at forging real, healthy and authentic relationships you can slowly create a new habit to replace the old inappropriate way of coping. Will it take time? Yes. Will you stumble and fall? Unfortunately, that is more than likely. I lead a men's support and accountability group and it happens to the best of us. But, if you do fall down think of it like a cross country match. If you fall down on the course they don't make you go back to the starting line and begin the race all over again. You simply get up where you are, dust off and keep on going. The mantra for all of us in recovery is this. It's about progress. Not perfection.
For the support group I lead we put together a website of all the materials that we share each week as discussion starters. There are tons of great book and article excerpts, links and even videos on there that you might find useful on your journey. They are the things that our group has found the most beneficial in the recovery process.
If you want to check it out it's at http://www.mymensgroup.net
Blessings to you as you seek to help him reboot his brain, heal, grow and ultimately recover!
