hi im new to this so forgive me if my lingo is not up to scratch. ill start by telling you my story so you can all get a rough idea what im like . ive been on methodone for nearly 10 years. ive had good times and bad times on it its been like a rollercoaster one time im on 60 ml then 40ml. anyway ive managed to get done to 25ml but i still keep smoking a bag every pay day i dont know why i do it but to be honest it gives me the confidence to go for my shopping and to face the world i dont dare go outside the door any other time, if i do go out its sort of like a small panic attack and once i get home and close the door i feel safe so ive sort of got myself in a rut how do i get out of this . ive been offered subutex instead of my methodone i think that would stop me taking a bag once a week the mad thing is i dont get a buzz of it it just gives me confidence to go outside my door. sorry if ive dragged on any advice would be great.
Hi there, you sound very much as if you are allowing life to control you, instead of you being in control of your life. What you have to realise is it won't get better on its own. You have to make it happen. Life is very precious. You've spent 10 years in the same old patterns. Do you want to wake up in 10 years time and find nothing has changed? You are stuck in the same destructive behaviours, and nothing will change unless you change it. You're resorting to the thing that has given you comfort for so long - heroin, but you need to find other ways of getting comfort, that are not just a temporary chemical high. I know this all sounds very trite and almost impossible to visualise, but it's a matter of making steps towards it, to make it possible. And the very first step you should take is going onto subutex.
I was very much like you in the past. I'd get so far, and then feel a paralyzing fear that my life would be cold, empty and miserable without heroin, so I'd end up going to score. Just for reassurance really. But it somehow dawned on me that my life was already cold, empty and miserable, and it was just the drug that made me temporarily feel different. I went onto subutex, and over the next 18 months I made drastic changes to my life. It's not something that happens over night, so you must have patience, and faith that if you just keep on moving in the right direction, eventually you will find authentic happiness.
So, go onto subs. The transition isn't painful, but it involves a change of consciousness really. You have to start seeing yourself as being in recovery, instead of being a user. And then, step by step you need to start dealing with your life. You need to look at your life as a whole package. Where you live. Your relationships. Your friends. Your work. And you need to make changes. It's obvious that your life isn't fulfilling or nurturing you, so you need to cut out the stuff that is holding you back, and make steps towards doing the things that will make you happy. It sounds very daunting, I know, and some of it will be painful at the time, and you will need to have self-belief, and faith that things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. And it does take time. And commitment. But it will be worth it.
I don't know enough about your situation to give any specific advice, but you have to start somewhere. So give the subs a try, and instead of dwelling on what you think you are losing (ie the comfort of heroin) concentrate on what you are giving yourself - a chance to be happy. Think of your first day on subs as the start of something wonderful - the first day of the new you. A person you can be proud of. A person who loves life. A person who has given themselves a second chance.
best wishes
Diff x
I was very much like you in the past. I'd get so far, and then feel a paralyzing fear that my life would be cold, empty and miserable without heroin, so I'd end up going to score. Just for reassurance really. But it somehow dawned on me that my life was already cold, empty and miserable, and it was just the drug that made me temporarily feel different. I went onto subutex, and over the next 18 months I made drastic changes to my life. It's not something that happens over night, so you must have patience, and faith that if you just keep on moving in the right direction, eventually you will find authentic happiness.
So, go onto subs. The transition isn't painful, but it involves a change of consciousness really. You have to start seeing yourself as being in recovery, instead of being a user. And then, step by step you need to start dealing with your life. You need to look at your life as a whole package. Where you live. Your relationships. Your friends. Your work. And you need to make changes. It's obvious that your life isn't fulfilling or nurturing you, so you need to cut out the stuff that is holding you back, and make steps towards doing the things that will make you happy. It sounds very daunting, I know, and some of it will be painful at the time, and you will need to have self-belief, and faith that things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. And it does take time. And commitment. But it will be worth it.
I don't know enough about your situation to give any specific advice, but you have to start somewhere. So give the subs a try, and instead of dwelling on what you think you are losing (ie the comfort of heroin) concentrate on what you are giving yourself - a chance to be happy. Think of your first day on subs as the start of something wonderful - the first day of the new you. A person you can be proud of. A person who loves life. A person who has given themselves a second chance.
best wishes
Diff x
| QUOTE |
| i think that would stop me taking a bag once a week the mad thing is i dont get a buzz of it it just gives me confidence to go outside my door. |
That feeling has less to do with confidence and more to do with routine. Break the cycle in order the lighten the load. The best to you!
Go shopping this week instead! Splurge on something you've been wanting or spend the money on a movie. You could even donate it to a homeless shelter or any charity. Just start anew, healthier habit every payday. That's what I did. When I stopped using and went on methadone, I had all this cash, burning a hole in my pocket. For a long time I still scored dope with it. But like yourself, I wasn't getting high. What was the point? I started going to Wal-mart every time I got the urge to cop dope. It worked. These days I don't have cash for Wal-mart or dope. LOL . It sounds like it is just a habit, though. Maybe you need to go back up a little on your methadone dose. It's something to think about. Best of luck to you.
What is that?
I have that. My mom was saying I probably have that thing where people NEVER leave their house. Some mental thing.
Probably tied to anxiety and stuff, Missy. You're doing good though. It's definately habit. It actually gets engrained into grooves in our brain. Anything habit that is. Ya need to start engraining good habits. Easy for me to say though as I am a house hound now as well.
Best wishes.
I have that. My mom was saying I probably have that thing where people NEVER leave their house. Some mental thing.
Probably tied to anxiety and stuff, Missy. You're doing good though. It's definately habit. It actually gets engrained into grooves in our brain. Anything habit that is. Ya need to start engraining good habits. Easy for me to say though as I am a house hound now as well.
Best wishes.
Confidence!
Confidence comes from doing things you dont want to do. You say you need the confidence to go shopping. You have lots of confidence your just telling yourself you dont, and that justifies your bag.
I dont know you situation but if you have the confidence to go and collect your money, the confidence to buy a bag and the risks that involves, then you have the confidence to shop. Think about all the confident things you have done on your life? If you did not get paid what would you do? Go home and starve to death? No! You would find the confidence that you all ready have inside you and sort it out. As you have probably done in the past?
I feel their may be more to this bag than confidence? Maybe a reward? Maybe moneys a trigger for you to score? Theses are things you need to look at and find strategies to cope with them. You could try: giving your money to a person you can trust? Get some one to go with you shopping? You need to do something to sort it, and that starts buy taking action.
You are doing well you have the ability to identify problems, now take the action to solve them.
Lifes a game of choice, not chance!
Confidence comes from doing things you dont want to do. You say you need the confidence to go shopping. You have lots of confidence your just telling yourself you dont, and that justifies your bag.
I dont know you situation but if you have the confidence to go and collect your money, the confidence to buy a bag and the risks that involves, then you have the confidence to shop. Think about all the confident things you have done on your life? If you did not get paid what would you do? Go home and starve to death? No! You would find the confidence that you all ready have inside you and sort it out. As you have probably done in the past?
I feel their may be more to this bag than confidence? Maybe a reward? Maybe moneys a trigger for you to score? Theses are things you need to look at and find strategies to cope with them. You could try: giving your money to a person you can trust? Get some one to go with you shopping? You need to do something to sort it, and that starts buy taking action.
You are doing well you have the ability to identify problems, now take the action to solve them.
Lifes a game of choice, not chance!
