Mom Needs Help For Addict Son

I am a mother of a 20 year old cocaine addict and am heart broken! I have never had anything like this to deal with in my family EVER! We have a Christian family and my son was raised in the church. He moved out before he graduated from high school (he had only 1/2 a credit to graduate) because he hated living at home and I suspect was influenced by some bad friends he had at school. I was clueless that he has been on cocaine for about 2 years now. He moved back in our home about two months ago. When we found out he was an addict we were devastated! We tried helping him but he really is not ready for help. He is 6 ft. tall and only weighs about 115. He went to one rehab meeting and then dissapeared. He has left home again and haven't seen him for about two weeks now. I do keep up with him through one of his friends who sees him occasionally. I fear that every day he stays gone, he is closer to death. His friend will not tell me where he is but I think he is staying with some really BAD drug dealers. We told him we could not have him on drugs and staying in our home. We told him we would get him all the help he wanted if he decides he wants help. He has stolen from us and has pawned everything he owns. He has even pawned the title to his old truck which payment is due July 4th (this Sunday). I fear when his truck is gone, we will never find him. My last resort to try and help him was to call the police and press charges against him for stealing some tapes and jewelry from us. The police however said they could not issue a warrant for his arrest without proof of theft. It will take a while for them to get this proof if ever. I thought that if I could just get him arrested, that that would be a start to get him away from the drugs at least to get his head straight and realize that he is killing himself. I do not know what else to do to help him. Does anyone have any advise on how I can help him? I fear he will be dead soon if I don't do SOMETHING! He is not a fighter or a strong person. He "gives up" easily.

Please help! Thank you and PLEASE PRAY FOR US!!!

cantletgo
I have a boyfriend that is addicted to crack - You have to let him go - He has to make the choice when he is ready to stop. If we could stop for them it would be easy. It always seemed to me the more I wanted him clean the more he wanted the drug.. He has gone to the same extremes that your son has but still hasn't learn - Rehab been there done that - It has to be up to them. I am sorry it has to be this way. When he's ready he will come home till then you have to go on - I know how hard that is to do - the waiting, wondering the sound of the car door your heart racing wondering if it's him. I have been doing this for the last 5 years of my life and finally had enough. He has to want it more than we do. Hopefully he will come to his senses soon. I will pray for you and your son.semilander@controlledplating.com
Hi,

WOW ... that is a horrible story. I can relate to this story as I am an addict who has done a lot of the same things to my family. Stolen to support my habit and gone missing for days at a time. The drug can get a terrible grip on you and it seems there is no way out once that grip takes hold. I was scared to death at times and still could not find a way to stop. It is a terrifying way to live.

Your idea of trying to get him arrested is not a bad idea at all and maybe the only way to get his attention as well as stopping his active use. I wish I could offer more advice but your son desparately needs to just find a way to talk somebody who has been where he is right now. And he is not going to find that on the streets obviously. Hopefully you can get ahold of him long enough to either have that arrest go through or to get him to sit down and see what he is doing with his life. And realize that there is a better way to live.

When I was using I could never see that. All I could see was the constant hurt and pain I caused. You would think that in most cases that would be enough to stop the addict. But it actually, in many cases, has the oppostie affect. The pain and sorrow we feel from the hurt we cause becomes so great that the only way we know how to deal with it, is to continue using. It almost sounds like a copout ... but it is not. We become embarrassed about the life we are leading. We convince ourselves that we are worthless and unloved and that nobody really cares about us anyway ... so why bother. We can become almost suicidal when it gets really bad.

But like I say ... if you can get him to sit down and listen to somebody who ha been where he is, it might make him realize that he is not alone. And make him see that there is another way of life.

You can check out the NA website for more info. .... na.org .... There is literature there that can help him and you. There are other websites out there that deal directly with what the families go through during a loved ones active using. ..... naranon.com

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Albert R.
Dear Shari and NewLife,

Thanks so much for your support! I am in such agony a lot of the time. I do have supportive parents and they are so sad too. It is like a NIGHTMARE and I keep thinking I will wake up any moment. I am going to try and go look for him today. I have given his friend a letter of encouragement and a packet of information for him to read. It has some really good testimonies in it of people who have been at the bottom and come back. It also has some information about some new drugs that help ease and eliminate the dopamine cravings for cocaine. They are called Deprenyl and Baclofen. They are used for other ailments such as Parkinsons and seizures but they have discovered they help cocaine addicts too! I have also told him we would take him to the doctor to try out these drugs and will do anything to help him. Also that he DOES NOT have to live the way he is living and can be HAPPY if he just comes home and asks for help.

NewLife...are you a recovering addict? How long has it been for you? What worked for you?

Thanks again and God bless!

Cantletgo
Shari and Newlife,

Sorry but I have to make a correction in my last posting. I gave the letter and packet of information to my son's friend to GIVE TO MY SON. It was not for his friend.

Just wanted to clear that up.
Thanks!
Hi Again,

I am sorry ... I do not agree with Shari totally. She is right in that he has to want it himself. Many addicts will not find recovery for mom, wife, kids, job or anything like that. BUT ... if any of those things are what gets the addict to SEEK help ... than who cares what gets them there ... as long as they are there. Many addicts use out of not knowing any longer any other way of life. They are so deep in the grip of the drug that they have forgotten everything that was good, loving and caring in thier life. Sometimes the addict needs to shown that somebody out there still does care for them because they have forgotten how to even love themselves. I was that type of addict. And if people gave up on me, I would not be here posting this right now. It was other people in my life that made me see what I was doing to myself. Other people that showed me Love that I had given up on even being there for me.

Many people had a hand in saving my life. It was certainly not me. All I could do at one point in my life was steal and use. My girlfriend and mom got the ball rolling for me and I put myself in a rehab and have fallen again since ... but I keep finding my way back. As Shari said ... I have found out that my recovery HAS to be about ME first or I will never make it. I have to find ways to Love myself. BUT ... if people would have just let me go, or given up on me ... I would have been dead long ago.

I also have kids and can't imagine knowing what I know about addiction because of my own experience ... I can't imagine sitting back and doing nothing about it. I am not saying that you should search the streets for him. But I would be doing that before I would be letting go. I know how scary my life was when actively using.

One more thing ... my girlfriend who also posts here had a similar incident with her son. She kicked him out and gave up on him to a degree. She has told me so many times how much she regrets it. Her son found his way back and got straightened out. But she still regrets her decision that was made at a time when she just didn't know what else to do. I will let her post about her experience though as I would not want to say anything she wouldn't. But I am sure what she as a mother feels on this topic.

Anyway ... Like I said, Shari's point is well taken about him wanting to get help. But that does not mean you have to give up on him or let him go. I don't care if it is the police that arrest him and he gets help, or if it is his family or friends that latterally drag him off the streets and find help for him. However he gets there, maybe, just maybe, that message of a new life available and waiting for him just might click. And he is YOUR son and only YOU know what is going to sit right with you for the rest of your life.

Good Luck!!!

Albert R.
Hi Again Can't let go,

Yes, I am a recovering addict. I have been through this life of addiction for years. In and out of recovery and rehab. I recently relapsed and just recently got back to doing the right things in my life. I am presently going to a rehab for group therapy and counseling and I attend NA meetings everyday.

The NA meetings were hard for me to make a regular part of my life for awhile. But once I did that seemed to be the only thing that really had any significant effect on me so far as staying clean. I switched drugs for years would get clean on my own or through a rehab only to go back again and again. But NA not only is a program of staying clean from drugs but a working program that helps me adjust my twisted thinking that led me back out using over and over again. It helps me recognize the character defects that keep me sick and basically helps me realize and accept the fact that I am an addict who can NEVER successfully use drugs in any form ever again.

Albert R.
Hi New Life;

I think sometimes I become bitter about the drugs because it has taken so much of my time and at some points sanity. I used to go look for him but then I realize I was putting myself at risk to be hurt. I don't mean give up on him, but sometimes we have to let go - I can't tell you how many times that his sponsor, friend etc. have told me I am an enabler (I used to think it was my fault he used) because I would be there to pick up the pieces when he came home with no money dirty ashamed etc. I would feel sorry for him. Then everyone - my family, his family - friends from the group would tell me to kick him out make him accountable for his actions. I still haven't given up on him just realized I can't control his addiction, but I can't worry myself sick about it. It's his choice - he knows the pain it causes everyone when he's gone for days. I see alot more in this man then he sees in himself - I just can't get him to see how much better he can be without the drugs.

Can you answer me how can I stop be an enabler if I don't give up?

People make me feel bad because I haven't given up -

Shari
Hi Can't Let Go,

I am New Life's girfriend......Let me first say how sorry I am for what your going through.......I didn't expect it from my son either...... He was always the greatest and most friendly kid...... Than of course he started hanging with the wrong ones......And everything changed.......

I went through a year and a half of his drug use... Waiting up almost all night waiting for him to come home.....Walking the streets calling his name at 3 am..... Seeing him come in a mess...... He was abusive to me.....I took it for a long time.....Than I finally had enough and kicked him out..... I had a younger son to think about also....... Now that being said, when I kicked him out, he went to his Dad's house...... That didn't help me at all...... I worried I think even more....... I didn't feel right calling his house in the middle of the night to see if he was there.....

Would I have kicked him out if he had nowhere to go??? NEVER!!!!!!! He didn't speak to me for over 3 months....... Fast forward a few months and he got a call from his school to go back...... And the drugs stopped....... And he went back and finished high school.......

It took my boyfriend to get me to sit down and have a talk with my son..... So we could try and get our relationship back...... And it worked... We both said how we felt about it all..... He credits me with saving his life the day I kicked him out......

Fast forward to today now...... He's a high school graduate..... He's worked for almost 3 years in a place I used to work...... He has some really good friends...... Most of the ones he had are long gone..... He's a fantastic kid...Our relationship today is closer than it ever was....... I moved across the city and it's still hard not having him live with me....... But he is happy...... He is healthy..... It's really cool when he tells his friends I am his best friend..... I am so proud of him.......

So what I am saying is take the time to really think about what YOU can handle here....... You cannot get him clean or make him better..... That is up to him....... But I think as long as he know's he has your support when he wants to get clean, that will make a huge difference......

I wish you luck...........