I have been sad this week. I have realised that I blame my mom for everything bad that has happened in my life. I have been holding her completely personally responsible because of the way she bought me up - strict, religious, controlled, and without any real depth of love or acceptance. We weren't allowed to have emotions that were anything other than 'ok'. We had to just be good, do as we were told, turn the other cheek. If we did have emotion or struggled with life, we were teased, made fun of but never accepted and told we were wonderful or pretty or important or special. We were just sinners bought up to believe we were inadequate to save developing big headed attitudes.
The extent of this produced three screwed up women - me and my two sisters, and I am just sad about it. I have blamed and hated my mom to the absolute extreme, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she didn't do it on purpose, she just didn't understand the consequences of how she was bringing us up. She isn't perfect, and believed she was doing the right thing.
I would like to be able to talk to her about this, but how? We weren't bought up to be able to talk with each other about ourselves like that, we just had to keep smiling and being polite pretending that everything was ok, when it really wasn't. I was an obvious mess by the time I was 11, but she didn't do anything to help me. I just got worse and worse until by 14 I was drinking to cover up the pain that was building up inside me and the horror of what I now understand was a realisation that my mom didn't really love me. Ok, she does on the surface but not the deep real love that we all need to grow and live. We didn't have that, and I just started spending my life trying to die.
It seems I am coming to terms now with the fact that my mom can't love me how I would of liked. She is quite aloof and emotionless. She has never told me she loves me.
I am over the hate and the blame. I am just sad now that this is how it is and will probably always be. The one person whose love I really needed, and it has never been there.
No real reason for writing this other than to just get it out of my system. I must just learn to love myself.
Lacey I can feel your pain as I read your letter. It might help you to think that MAYBE she couldn't show her feelings. It seems to me that there must have been something that happened to her to make her so emotionally detached as she was.Sometimes things happen to people and they shut off their emotions never to let themselves feel again.I am not saying this is what happened to your mom nor am I making excuses for her. But it is a possibility. Unless someone is willing to open up and be honest about past events no one will never know for sure why they react the way they do in life.I am sorry that you and your sister felt unloved and that as you say are messed up. I am glad that you are breaking the cycle of keeping things to yourself. IT is good to talk about your feelings however painful they are. It is only when we can come to terms with what have happened to us that we can heal and I think you are headed in the right direction. God bless and be safe
Hi Lacey,
You could have been writing my life story there, my mother was very similar to what you have described. It does make a person sad when you stop and think about what life could have been like if you hadn't been burdened with a loveless childhood. I left home when I was 18 and I suppose it wasn't until I was in my late thirties that I had any self confidence what so ever. In some ways I suppose my emotional maturity may well be 20 years delayed. If only I could be 27 again! (I'm actually 47 now)
I, like you am past the anger and blame part. My mother, like yours didn't mean to do what she did; she is not able to talk about it either. It can be quite frustrating to be carrying this invisible burden around; but I suppose even if my mother (or anyone else) did know what happened, it wouldn't change the fact that it happened. My emotional development has been delayed and that is a burden that no one else can carry for me even if they wanted to. I am doing fairly well at coming to an acceptance of this fact; like sobriety, it is something I have to do one day at a time.
I too am trying to get better at loving myself; I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I do have close to a year of sobriety in and sometimes it still feels rather empty. Oh well, one step at a time, next year maybe I'll get better at living.
Anyway, thank you for sharing. It inspired me to write these words out and I think that helps....
one day at a time, Cookster
You could have been writing my life story there, my mother was very similar to what you have described. It does make a person sad when you stop and think about what life could have been like if you hadn't been burdened with a loveless childhood. I left home when I was 18 and I suppose it wasn't until I was in my late thirties that I had any self confidence what so ever. In some ways I suppose my emotional maturity may well be 20 years delayed. If only I could be 27 again! (I'm actually 47 now)
I, like you am past the anger and blame part. My mother, like yours didn't mean to do what she did; she is not able to talk about it either. It can be quite frustrating to be carrying this invisible burden around; but I suppose even if my mother (or anyone else) did know what happened, it wouldn't change the fact that it happened. My emotional development has been delayed and that is a burden that no one else can carry for me even if they wanted to. I am doing fairly well at coming to an acceptance of this fact; like sobriety, it is something I have to do one day at a time.
I too am trying to get better at loving myself; I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I do have close to a year of sobriety in and sometimes it still feels rather empty. Oh well, one step at a time, next year maybe I'll get better at living.
Anyway, thank you for sharing. It inspired me to write these words out and I think that helps....
one day at a time, Cookster
Gidday Lacey
My parents didnt know how to love and show affection anything of that nature was looked upon in a sexual way or twist, when i was younger anyone who got close enough to want a hug was a threat, and to this day we are not a huggy family (my bros and sisters), some of us can and me and my brother in recovery can hug and say i love you.
In our family an intimate friend is someone you have sex with.....bluddy hell we were screwed from the start, excuse the pun.
My mum done the best she could with 6 kids and an violent alky for a husband and right up until she died she blamed herself for all our wrongs and she always was uncomfortable when i told her i loved her, but she got used to it and the hugs.
I told my dad once that i loved him when he was alive and he didnt know how to answer and since his death i have told him heaps more times and i forgive him because he only knew what his parents beat into him.
It is about me breaking the cycle of addiction and bringing our kids up in a world of hugs and being told that they are loved and that we are proud of them, so that there kids have a real good chance one day.
The communication between my brothers and sisters will always be strained on a intimate level but hey one day at a time i am working on that and they can see the changes, also some family dynamics can complicate things, but i have the courage to change in my favour
Lacey how do you and your sisters get on, and have the three of you talked about what happened when you all were younger?
Can the three of you tell each other that they are loved and cared for
As long as you are changing and breaking the cycle the people that you love and have contact with will feel the love
light and love zac
My parents didnt know how to love and show affection anything of that nature was looked upon in a sexual way or twist, when i was younger anyone who got close enough to want a hug was a threat, and to this day we are not a huggy family (my bros and sisters), some of us can and me and my brother in recovery can hug and say i love you.
In our family an intimate friend is someone you have sex with.....bluddy hell we were screwed from the start, excuse the pun.
My mum done the best she could with 6 kids and an violent alky for a husband and right up until she died she blamed herself for all our wrongs and she always was uncomfortable when i told her i loved her, but she got used to it and the hugs.
I told my dad once that i loved him when he was alive and he didnt know how to answer and since his death i have told him heaps more times and i forgive him because he only knew what his parents beat into him.
It is about me breaking the cycle of addiction and bringing our kids up in a world of hugs and being told that they are loved and that we are proud of them, so that there kids have a real good chance one day.
The communication between my brothers and sisters will always be strained on a intimate level but hey one day at a time i am working on that and they can see the changes, also some family dynamics can complicate things, but i have the courage to change in my favour
Lacey how do you and your sisters get on, and have the three of you talked about what happened when you all were younger?
Can the three of you tell each other that they are loved and cared for
As long as you are changing and breaking the cycle the people that you love and have contact with will feel the love
light and love zac
Dear Lacey,
Well are parents did a number on us because their parents did a number on them. It doesn't make our hurt stop hurting. I try to remember the time they lived in and their parents as well. War, famine, disease, poverty for many.
Scientists claim message we received about ourselves go all the way back to the womb. How are mothers bond and we attach plays a significant role in how we view ourselves later in life. When we are undernurtured as infants and children it's no wonder how many of us ended up self medicating with alcohol and drugs.
My counselor offered last summer a class to woman from her practice called the Journey. It had four segments. The Passenger, The Mode, The Route, The Destination. It helped explain why we feel and do the things we do.
It explained about Attachment Styles: An Avoidant, Disorganized, Ambivilent
We were able to identify which one our parents were and the many repercussions of being a child with a disfunctional parent. The shattered self, the fearful self, the protected self, the secure. Alcohol for me for many yrs. was self survival.
People who had parents with the Avoidant Attachment Style:
* Become annoyed by babie's bids for comfort.
*Encourage premature independance
*Allow their infants/children to cry for long periods of time.
*Seldom hold their children for cuddling, and usually only when some physical need is being attended.
*Control how children express emotions. When children get older they ignore,criticize or reject child's bid for comfort.
*Do not allow negative feelings. Happiness is demanded! The flogging will continue until morale improves.
There are bks on attachment one recommendation is Titled you guessed it Attachments by Drs.Tim Clinton and Gary Sibey.
Also Martin has posted a self help link on PP thread Pah-lease Don't Bash Me Re: NA/AA. I also read a good one about love on family board by Cynical One. It sounds like it's written by pros.
I liked how Zac offered some suggestions to help. So I will offer one as well. I actually by the suggestion from my counselor spoke to my Mom about my feelings. She didn't like it but she did except parts of it. I also did a role play in therapy which was hard. There were two chairs I pretended to be my deceased Dad in one and the other was me. Just telling him how much he hurt me and then I would change chairs and he would talk to me. I would hear what I needed to hear to heal. In the end I was crying and sent baloons to heaven and told him I forgave him anf loved him. Maybe if you wrote a letter to yourself and then talked to your Mom, or let her read it would be healing for you.
The class I took was very helpful as I was able to understand why my parents did what they did and why I was acting, feeling the way I was. It has helped me to move on. The theme at class was if your teachable your fixable.
I have really educated my two girls that you better really get to know his parents to before you get married because chances are your going to be marrying someone like one of them. And please finish your education, wait until your 30 something because their are so many changes people go thru. And no offense guys but it takes many of them along time to grow up. Let alone the dopamaine in their brains doesn't start deceasing until late 40's early 50's. Lets not talk testerone, lol.
I'm sorry your Mom made you feel unlovable, without a voice, a big sinner. We are all sinners she should look in a mirror. I think it's so sad and can see why many people want nothing to do with God and all the leagalistic rules. I felt the same way to for many yrs.
Yet, I kept searching for God and I believe he showed me the truth. Christ came to this world not to condemn but to save. He thru out all the old laws and rules even in the temples he told them their laws and rules were not the way to God or heaven. He was the new way. It doesn't mean I beleive it's a free pass to just go murder, steal, etc. I do beleive in repentance and forgiveness. It's just that I believe now it's a gift not laws and rules. But thats just my beliefs.
Wishing you Peace,
Chris
The Child
Well are parents did a number on us because their parents did a number on them. It doesn't make our hurt stop hurting. I try to remember the time they lived in and their parents as well. War, famine, disease, poverty for many.
Scientists claim message we received about ourselves go all the way back to the womb. How are mothers bond and we attach plays a significant role in how we view ourselves later in life. When we are undernurtured as infants and children it's no wonder how many of us ended up self medicating with alcohol and drugs.
My counselor offered last summer a class to woman from her practice called the Journey. It had four segments. The Passenger, The Mode, The Route, The Destination. It helped explain why we feel and do the things we do.
It explained about Attachment Styles: An Avoidant, Disorganized, Ambivilent
We were able to identify which one our parents were and the many repercussions of being a child with a disfunctional parent. The shattered self, the fearful self, the protected self, the secure. Alcohol for me for many yrs. was self survival.
People who had parents with the Avoidant Attachment Style:
* Become annoyed by babie's bids for comfort.
*Encourage premature independance
*Allow their infants/children to cry for long periods of time.
*Seldom hold their children for cuddling, and usually only when some physical need is being attended.
*Control how children express emotions. When children get older they ignore,criticize or reject child's bid for comfort.
*Do not allow negative feelings. Happiness is demanded! The flogging will continue until morale improves.
There are bks on attachment one recommendation is Titled you guessed it Attachments by Drs.Tim Clinton and Gary Sibey.
Also Martin has posted a self help link on PP thread Pah-lease Don't Bash Me Re: NA/AA. I also read a good one about love on family board by Cynical One. It sounds like it's written by pros.
I liked how Zac offered some suggestions to help. So I will offer one as well. I actually by the suggestion from my counselor spoke to my Mom about my feelings. She didn't like it but she did except parts of it. I also did a role play in therapy which was hard. There were two chairs I pretended to be my deceased Dad in one and the other was me. Just telling him how much he hurt me and then I would change chairs and he would talk to me. I would hear what I needed to hear to heal. In the end I was crying and sent baloons to heaven and told him I forgave him anf loved him. Maybe if you wrote a letter to yourself and then talked to your Mom, or let her read it would be healing for you.
The class I took was very helpful as I was able to understand why my parents did what they did and why I was acting, feeling the way I was. It has helped me to move on. The theme at class was if your teachable your fixable.
I have really educated my two girls that you better really get to know his parents to before you get married because chances are your going to be marrying someone like one of them. And please finish your education, wait until your 30 something because their are so many changes people go thru. And no offense guys but it takes many of them along time to grow up. Let alone the dopamaine in their brains doesn't start deceasing until late 40's early 50's. Lets not talk testerone, lol.
I'm sorry your Mom made you feel unlovable, without a voice, a big sinner. We are all sinners she should look in a mirror. I think it's so sad and can see why many people want nothing to do with God and all the leagalistic rules. I felt the same way to for many yrs.
Yet, I kept searching for God and I believe he showed me the truth. Christ came to this world not to condemn but to save. He thru out all the old laws and rules even in the temples he told them their laws and rules were not the way to God or heaven. He was the new way. It doesn't mean I beleive it's a free pass to just go murder, steal, etc. I do beleive in repentance and forgiveness. It's just that I believe now it's a gift not laws and rules. But thats just my beliefs.
Wishing you Peace,
Chris
The Child
You could have been talking about my relationship with my dad Lacey.
I'm in therapy and I go over and over the same thing time and time again wishing my dad could be different but it's never gonna happen. I'm now learning to just accept the situation as it is. Me and dad will never be close and I just have to let it go there...
Hard as it is to think like that and even harder to act it out... I know all too well.
I hope you can work out your feelings for you...
Izzy X
I'm in therapy and I go over and over the same thing time and time again wishing my dad could be different but it's never gonna happen. I'm now learning to just accept the situation as it is. Me and dad will never be close and I just have to let it go there...
Hard as it is to think like that and even harder to act it out... I know all too well.
I hope you can work out your feelings for you...
Izzy X
| QUOTE |
It seems I am coming to terms now with the fact that my mom can't love me how I would of liked. She is quite aloof and emotionless. She has never told me she loves me. |
Thanks everyone for sharing on this thread...Wow, I am not the only one with mother issues and now that she's back 30 minutes from where I live (she usually lives 3,000 miles away) I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable...
One thing I can learn from how my mother raised me, is to change the way I raise my children. I tell them I love them all the time and I'm getting better at hugging them but I have to work on that, it doesn't come natural for me to hug...Now my husband is a hugging person and I am so grateful he is their father and he's willing to teach me....
Love yourself, Lacey and let your HP in to love you. Today I am okay with the love from God and that by giving love away to others, I get love back.
Again, thanks everyone for your shares....I love this community and all my friends here....xoxo
Enjoy your moments,
Stacey
I don't really know how to respond here. There is alot of emotional stuff that goes with this whole issue. I would love to be able to talk to my mom about things and I am going to try to build up the courage to do it. It is hard to tell your parent that you didn't feel they loved you!! I know she does and did really, but didn't show me that love so I felt unloved. And yes, she had a mother too, who is far more aloof and quiet than my mom, so I guess I am the lucky one!! My mom has told me that she doesn't really know anything about her mom, she doesn't let anyone in at all. So, given her parenting, my mom has probably done a good job!!!
Zac is so right that it is up to us now to show our children, neices, nephews or whatever that we love them. We have to tell them and hug them and let them know they are special. I am going to start doing this with my own neices and nephews - even though they are mostly teenagers now! So what!! I am going to also start telling my sisters I love them, and then maybe I can get round to telling my mom and dad!! Wow, that would be real healing wouldn't it.
I am close to my sisters, we get on well, and can talk, although hugging and telling each other we love each other doesn't happen!!
Isn't it a shame in this crazy mad world that we find it so hard to tell each other how much we love each other. I am going to turn it around in my life now. Hopefully I will fall in love with the man who I am seeing so I will be able to tell him aswell. Well, love does make the world go round, so I think we ought to give it a go!!
Small beginnings, but because I live with a dog!! - I have started telling her today that I love her!!
Peace and Love.
Zac is so right that it is up to us now to show our children, neices, nephews or whatever that we love them. We have to tell them and hug them and let them know they are special. I am going to start doing this with my own neices and nephews - even though they are mostly teenagers now! So what!! I am going to also start telling my sisters I love them, and then maybe I can get round to telling my mom and dad!! Wow, that would be real healing wouldn't it.
I am close to my sisters, we get on well, and can talk, although hugging and telling each other we love each other doesn't happen!!
Isn't it a shame in this crazy mad world that we find it so hard to tell each other how much we love each other. I am going to turn it around in my life now. Hopefully I will fall in love with the man who I am seeing so I will be able to tell him aswell. Well, love does make the world go round, so I think we ought to give it a go!!
Small beginnings, but because I live with a dog!! - I have started telling her today that I love her!!
Peace and Love.
Lacey
Maybe you could start by putting it in writing. Sometimes its easier to write these things down than to say them out loud. You could put it all in a letter to your Mum.
Idgie
Maybe you could start by putting it in writing. Sometimes its easier to write these things down than to say them out loud. You could put it all in a letter to your Mum.
Idgie
Hi. I feel a bit of guilt writing this because I feel like I am betraying my mom but I have to say it. My mom has stood by me in lots of bad times and helped me out with my babies and all the stuff that good moms do. but as a child growing up and as a teenager my mom never hugged or kissed me or nothing like that. The ONLY time I can remember my mom giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek was the day I got married and that really surprised me I knew she loved me but there was still a need of wanting to hear the words and to feel he hugs. I think it affected me all my life actually. My sister and I often talk about it. I raised my kids with lots of hugs and kisses and told them I love them all the time.But you know maybe it's the way some people are. my oldest daughter is not one to express her feelings. she is definitely not one to hug and kiss you whereas my 2 other children (all grown now) are the huggy type so maybe some of it is genetic.anyway thats said ,another step towards honesty I guess lol. God bless and be safe
| QUOTE |
| Isn't it a shame in this crazy mad world that we find it so hard to tell each other how much we love each other. I am going to turn it around in my life now. |
Yes, Lacey, I'm with you....that is something I can change and work on today so thank you for this post, thank you for sharing so honestly and openly...
Enjoy the love today!
I love you,
Stacey
