How are you today?I thought you might be feeling sick and could use some support...check in and let me know how you are doing. Love, Sharonn
Hi Sharon,
I am still here, feeling stupid. I think just because I feel like an expert withdraweling that somehow it gets easier to do. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't get any easier, it gets harder to accept. Yeah, I'm resisting the process. I always think there must be a better day to do this! I know about Suboxone, but I don't have the resources for that.
Yes, I need to cut off my resources and stop milking this process. I plan to do that today! Who looks forward to inducing the worst flu you'll ever have? The good news is: I have tapered down. I'll be fine. (just a reminder to myself)
So here we go again. I shoot for Saturday and I keep writing.
Thanks for listening,
Mookie
I am still here, feeling stupid. I think just because I feel like an expert withdraweling that somehow it gets easier to do. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't get any easier, it gets harder to accept. Yeah, I'm resisting the process. I always think there must be a better day to do this! I know about Suboxone, but I don't have the resources for that.
Yes, I need to cut off my resources and stop milking this process. I plan to do that today! Who looks forward to inducing the worst flu you'll ever have? The good news is: I have tapered down. I'll be fine. (just a reminder to myself)
So here we go again. I shoot for Saturday and I keep writing.
Thanks for listening,
Mookie
If you don't mind can you share the details....what, how much, and how much you've tapered..I am also tapering. Thanks..Love, S
I am taking Vicodin 10 mg tabs. Yesterday was 70mg. Today is 60mg. Tomorrow is 40 mg and then Saturday 30mg. It is extremely hard to taper these and sometimes I just say the hell with it, take them all and suffer, but I find the withdrawels are so much better if I can manage to go long hours between doses and then when I feel the worst take a couple to minimize the symptoms and then quit all together.
Usually after that I find I just sleep and loose all my energy. If I'm lucky I won't trigger a migraine. I pray for that the most! My tolerance for talking to anyone and noise is zero at that point. Every muscle in my body hurts and the night sweats suck. Usually I lay around and avoid people. Waiting for my brain cells to start firing. After that happens my brain starts thinking about everything I did wrong and questions every decision I ever made in life. It trys to figure out a way to change everything and thats when I can no longer sleep. I question life and why I can't seem to find any purpose in it.
I come to not trust my thoughts or decisions at this point. My hubby no longer wants to hear it and I don't blame him.
This is probably more information then you wanted, but I feel the need to say it because no one in the "real" world wants to hear it and its becoming to sound so very pathetic. I think he's still around because of the old saying, "when I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm very bad" So he waits for the woman he knows I am to make her appearance again.
It usually takes 2 weeks for me to actually start liking life again. There were times in my past when I was taking up to 300mg of Hydrocodone a day, were I drank cough syrup and Morphine and faked reasons for seeing the Doctor. I haven't gotten that bad in years and years and I don't intend to! I tend to act faster at self rehabilitation now before I go that far down and I never set myself up to have those available. Plus I don't believe my body can handle it. This relapse has lasted about 3 weeks after 4 months of being completly sober.
Ive been humbled so many times it makes my head spin. I feel like such a schmuck for even admiting these things. If it wasen't for my spiritual beliefs in this world, I wouldn't ever know how to find peace with myself.
"the more things change, the more things stay the same"
Mookie
Usually after that I find I just sleep and loose all my energy. If I'm lucky I won't trigger a migraine. I pray for that the most! My tolerance for talking to anyone and noise is zero at that point. Every muscle in my body hurts and the night sweats suck. Usually I lay around and avoid people. Waiting for my brain cells to start firing. After that happens my brain starts thinking about everything I did wrong and questions every decision I ever made in life. It trys to figure out a way to change everything and thats when I can no longer sleep. I question life and why I can't seem to find any purpose in it.
I come to not trust my thoughts or decisions at this point. My hubby no longer wants to hear it and I don't blame him.
This is probably more information then you wanted, but I feel the need to say it because no one in the "real" world wants to hear it and its becoming to sound so very pathetic. I think he's still around because of the old saying, "when I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm very bad" So he waits for the woman he knows I am to make her appearance again.
It usually takes 2 weeks for me to actually start liking life again. There were times in my past when I was taking up to 300mg of Hydrocodone a day, were I drank cough syrup and Morphine and faked reasons for seeing the Doctor. I haven't gotten that bad in years and years and I don't intend to! I tend to act faster at self rehabilitation now before I go that far down and I never set myself up to have those available. Plus I don't believe my body can handle it. This relapse has lasted about 3 weeks after 4 months of being completly sober.
Ive been humbled so many times it makes my head spin. I feel like such a schmuck for even admiting these things. If it wasen't for my spiritual beliefs in this world, I wouldn't ever know how to find peace with myself.
"the more things change, the more things stay the same"
Mookie
Hi Mookie...I hear what your saying and boy can I relate...but....you know what you have to do....and it sucks but your here and its clear that you have had enough! Good for you...take back your life...I know the anticipation of w/d can make you crazy...but there is no way around it...you have to go through it.
For me tapering was an endless nightmare...all I did was obsess all day long about how much I had left...when I was taking my next pill...how long it would last...and so on and so on....it was a brutal way to live...I would end up eating the rest of my pills and wait for w/d...that sucks too...my last run...w/d lasted for weeks...and my brain was in fog...I was so so sick...however..I really was sick!
I just found out the Condo that we were in temporarily has mold!! I knew something was wrong...newer very expensive condo but the problem was in the in floor heating....leaky pipes...mold...all very nasty. I swore it was the pills....the majority probably was...but that last time nearly killed me....the more I relapsed the harder it was....I never want to live that way again.
This will soon be over and you don't have to go through it alone! I am here for you all the way....so very proud of you!
Do you have a plan in place....what are you going to do to remain clean...this is where I made all my mistakes.....I needed a program of recovery....therapy has helped immensely....whatever you do.....good luck and congrats!!!
For me tapering was an endless nightmare...all I did was obsess all day long about how much I had left...when I was taking my next pill...how long it would last...and so on and so on....it was a brutal way to live...I would end up eating the rest of my pills and wait for w/d...that sucks too...my last run...w/d lasted for weeks...and my brain was in fog...I was so so sick...however..I really was sick!
I just found out the Condo that we were in temporarily has mold!! I knew something was wrong...newer very expensive condo but the problem was in the in floor heating....leaky pipes...mold...all very nasty. I swore it was the pills....the majority probably was...but that last time nearly killed me....the more I relapsed the harder it was....I never want to live that way again.
This will soon be over and you don't have to go through it alone! I am here for you all the way....so very proud of you!
Do you have a plan in place....what are you going to do to remain clean...this is where I made all my mistakes.....I needed a program of recovery....therapy has helped immensely....whatever you do.....good luck and congrats!!!
Mookie....are you tapering in this fashion out of need(no more supply) or is it a plan? I admire your big drops in dose...kindsa makes me feel like a woos. I am on 60.mgs. oxycodone..but I only drop 5 mg. a week....I don't want to relapse and having chronic pain I am afraid to go any quicker. You sound positive and I can relate to the awful night sweats and extreme irritability...it sucks. How long can you go after a pill before wd sets in? They are a bit weaker then mine, but they are short-acting. It may be more helpful to take smaller doses at closer intervals e.g. 1/2 pill every 3-4 hours. I believe it keeps more of a steady low dose in your system so the suffering is lessened. We have a built in "forgetter" As many times as I've binged.....we suffer and pay the price. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing...you are helping me .....thank you...Sharonn
Hey Sharon....i just wanted to let you know how very strong that I believe you to be! That is just amazing....god bless you!
KeeKee, Thank you so much...every word of support here is a treasure to me and I appreciate it..I wonder if I am the oldest(one of) the oldest here(50) After 50 years perhaps wisdom will kick in...BTW..pertaining to the other thread I would have to agree with you on the comment re:occasional use(sorry Donnatwo...no offense) A newcomer might take that info. and not feel it is necessary to completely change their way of thinking and living. Because addiction is a matter of life or death there should be(IMO) no allowances or suggestions concerning recreational use. Obviously...if someone finds this board they feel they are in trouble...it usually starts with occasional use. I do see your point(if you are reading) Donntwo....in a perfect world it would be great....but it usually doesn't work out that way. I just don't think it appropriate for posting here. I lost a few people to drug overdose...my cousin, a high scholl classmate and a brother-in-law. They started out with "occasional use".....anyway I wasn't trying to pry into your age(lol) as I heard you speak of grandchildren? Stacey is a sweety and one of my favorite girls here as well. Have a great night. God bless.....Sharonn
Ok...Sharon...I am busted!! Yes I am an ol'e bag...lol....
Not far behind you.....but never the less...still a tad younger...hee hee
My oldest is Stacey age...exactly..she will be 24 in March...but she acts like she is 10. My son is 22 and will be 23 in October....he is a very mature 22 on the other hand.
My granddaughter is 5 and half as she puts it....going on 22...and acts like it....
Me...well I act like 20....feel like 60.....look like 30.....so I guess I am 43!!!
Thank you for understanding my point of view...I am very passionate about this horrendous disease that has infiltrated my life. I have been struggling with this addiction for the past 5 years and am now seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It is such a relief!
You my dear....are such an inspiration to those that suffer...especially with chronic pain...what a strong women you are....and so intelligent...you are absolutely aware of whats happening to your body and are taking back your power!!!
Not far behind you.....but never the less...still a tad younger...hee hee
My oldest is Stacey age...exactly..she will be 24 in March...but she acts like she is 10. My son is 22 and will be 23 in October....he is a very mature 22 on the other hand.
My granddaughter is 5 and half as she puts it....going on 22...and acts like it....
Me...well I act like 20....feel like 60.....look like 30.....so I guess I am 43!!!
Thank you for understanding my point of view...I am very passionate about this horrendous disease that has infiltrated my life. I have been struggling with this addiction for the past 5 years and am now seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It is such a relief!
You my dear....are such an inspiration to those that suffer...especially with chronic pain...what a strong women you are....and so intelligent...you are absolutely aware of whats happening to your body and are taking back your power!!!
Your sincerity is touching ...thank you. There is no happiness like real happiness...a walk on a beautiful day, holding hands with someone you love, having your pets make you laugh....a nice hot bath at the end of a brutal day.The simplest things are indeed the best. When we appreciate our God-given health then we appreciate the small miracles.Pills took that from me. I no longer felt God's peace...I was always clamoring ,for a new thrill or rush...albeit spending $$, or playing lotto...I felt bored and disconnected..and I am just beginning to feel like my old self. I cannot WAIT for it to be over. If I had all the time to myself I would fast forward the taper...my BF is having surgery Thursday and he needs me...so I will stick to the slow and steady(isn;'t that a phrase...slow and steady wins the race) Formerly I could never taper...the temptation to feel a buzz was too much..I kept screwing up the taper...that's when I went to detox. This is different...I really was not abusing for the rush or out of emotional pain....my Lupus kept flaring, then the neuropathy. Between pain and moving it was all too much...and the pills allowed me to function.Then came the tolerance, the withdrawals even on the same dose....the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach EVERY morning....just knowing that I was addicted(again) and needed a pill to get out of bed. I hate it....hate it!What happened to the woman who trudged along the kitchen to the coffeepot making wisecracks about being an old fart? I may have been in pain but at least I was me. I became the woman who would bite your head off if you spoke to me before my pill and coffee. And do you know what REALLY scared me? I was waking up every night in pain...hence upping he dose and waking up in A.M. pain and sweats and then the pill doesn't work. WTH? So I double the dose. Before you know it I am up to 90-100 mgs. a day. When I tell the DR. he suggests a patch with breakthrough meds! NO way! So I got really scared. I read about opiates actually causing pain and did some more research. Now I am down to 60 mgs....no more horrible A.M. sweats and some night pain but 2 advil take the edge off. Go figureThe more I took the worse I felt. I can't wait to be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Sorry to be so long-winded. Have a great evening. Love Sharonn aka work in progress
Thankyou Kee Kee and Sharonn for your support!
I am weaning off the way I am because of what I have left. I am not in chronic pain so that is much different! I know it is much harder to wean off when you have chronic pain, but I had a good friend who was addicted to Oxycodone and actually did wean off of her Percocets and was successful! She had had 3 back surgery's from a car accident. She said the pain was controllable with her muscle relaxants (which she did not abuse) and Ibuprofen I was really proud of her!
Your right about the dramatic drop. It's killing me to wait. I had my hubby lock them up in a safe for me and then give me what we agreed upon. I really want to do this right, but my sick mind keeps coming up with ways to talk him out of a few. In the past, when I got real desperate I would know the best way to bargain with my hubby (use your imagination). Now I know how pathetic that is and this is not true confessions, but I find that I heal much better with complete honesty here. No matter how bad it looks.
Just thankyou for not judging me and understanding. You really are the only people who would understand this disease.
By the way, I am 44, I still look young, I still act 20 something, but I'm beginning to feel 50 something! My husband is 8 years younger then I. We have a mixed family: My Daughter is 22, my Son is 20, His son's are 13 and 19, His Daughter is 11.
We have a houseful of pre and post teenagers and it's a rollar coaster ride!
I am weaning off the way I am because of what I have left. I am not in chronic pain so that is much different! I know it is much harder to wean off when you have chronic pain, but I had a good friend who was addicted to Oxycodone and actually did wean off of her Percocets and was successful! She had had 3 back surgery's from a car accident. She said the pain was controllable with her muscle relaxants (which she did not abuse) and Ibuprofen I was really proud of her!
Your right about the dramatic drop. It's killing me to wait. I had my hubby lock them up in a safe for me and then give me what we agreed upon. I really want to do this right, but my sick mind keeps coming up with ways to talk him out of a few. In the past, when I got real desperate I would know the best way to bargain with my hubby (use your imagination). Now I know how pathetic that is and this is not true confessions, but I find that I heal much better with complete honesty here. No matter how bad it looks.
Just thankyou for not judging me and understanding. You really are the only people who would understand this disease.
By the way, I am 44, I still look young, I still act 20 something, but I'm beginning to feel 50 something! My husband is 8 years younger then I. We have a mixed family: My Daughter is 22, my Son is 20, His son's are 13 and 19, His Daughter is 11.
We have a houseful of pre and post teenagers and it's a rollar coaster ride!
Mookie...don't ever feel the need to apologize here...we are all in the same sorry boat and we need each other...I have also had those sleepless nights when I thought"What is the point" and other morose self-conversations. Your brain chemistry is fried...no,we cannot think when we are detoxing and (or) using ...not correctly...it's kinda like PMS...."Bargaining" with your husband LOL...how low will we go?Knowing men(at least my BF)..he would have actually considered it for a NY minute...Sad, but true.We will be here when you feel like total crap and you don't ever need to feel alone..addicts understand the self-loathing and misery of it all. The good news is that time does fly and before you know it you will be posting about how great you feel and helping others. Focus on that.NOT on withdrawal. We tend to inflate things in our minds, especially when there is guilt involved..like we DESERVE to be punished. It's beev said a million times but I'll say it again...Addiction is a disease. It needs to be addressed and treated as a disease. Oh..BTW...I am 50...act 7.....feel like 80 LOL!!!! Have a good night. Just remember...what you put your attention on grows...so don't focus on the negative. Focus on how good you will feel when this is history.Love, Sharonn
Mookie-
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today, and hoping you are feeling a bit better.
I know how hard tapering is, I was never a "good taper" person............I have no self control. I remember once I was tapering I had 20 pills left to last me the rest of the week..................well I decided that day I was going to take them all and I was "SURE" I could get more that night..............
Well, I was kicking myself hard the next day, I had no more pills, and no more on the way..............I think it was a blessing in disguise though. I realized then, I just had to DO IT.............and I did. But, every time I have ever cold turkeyed it, I would make it a month or so, and then think I could take "one or two" You know how that all goes.
You are received some GREAT advice and support here KEE KEE, and SHARON know there stuff., and are two of the brightest, compassionate ladies on this board.............and have been through this as well.
You hang in there, and keep posting, We are all here for you. If you feel the need to take "more" or stop trying all together, PLEASE POST and talk it out...........You can do it.
BIg Hugs.
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today, and hoping you are feeling a bit better.
I know how hard tapering is, I was never a "good taper" person............I have no self control. I remember once I was tapering I had 20 pills left to last me the rest of the week..................well I decided that day I was going to take them all and I was "SURE" I could get more that night..............
Well, I was kicking myself hard the next day, I had no more pills, and no more on the way..............I think it was a blessing in disguise though. I realized then, I just had to DO IT.............and I did. But, every time I have ever cold turkeyed it, I would make it a month or so, and then think I could take "one or two" You know how that all goes.
You are received some GREAT advice and support here KEE KEE, and SHARON know there stuff., and are two of the brightest, compassionate ladies on this board.............and have been through this as well.
You hang in there, and keep posting, We are all here for you. If you feel the need to take "more" or stop trying all together, PLEASE POST and talk it out...........You can do it.
BIg Hugs.
Well I don't know what to say.....
In the middle of my planning my withdrawel on Sunday, Life Happens.....
It's a long story, but I must get on an airplane on Sunday and fly to Colorado to help my son (who lives with his Dad) while his Dad is gone for a week. I had this trip planned a month ago to visit him for two weeks, but my son got in trouble and was put in jail so I cancelled this trip. Now he is getting out and really needs my help!
Now, I planned this so good. I was down to 2 pills for Saturday and none for Sunday and I was ready to accept the withdrawel process. I have cut off my access to more. No one in their right mind would plan a withdrawel while traveling! I am required to be the strong one here! I have to be the strong Mom to help my son and its a very sad story that the Mom needs help too!
It looks like this is going to be a test of the emergency broadcasters!
If I don't speak with you'all for a couple of weeks, you'll know why.
Still thankyou for being here and do not give up on me!
In the middle of my planning my withdrawel on Sunday, Life Happens.....
It's a long story, but I must get on an airplane on Sunday and fly to Colorado to help my son (who lives with his Dad) while his Dad is gone for a week. I had this trip planned a month ago to visit him for two weeks, but my son got in trouble and was put in jail so I cancelled this trip. Now he is getting out and really needs my help!
Now, I planned this so good. I was down to 2 pills for Saturday and none for Sunday and I was ready to accept the withdrawel process. I have cut off my access to more. No one in their right mind would plan a withdrawel while traveling! I am required to be the strong one here! I have to be the strong Mom to help my son and its a very sad story that the Mom needs help too!
It looks like this is going to be a test of the emergency broadcasters!
If I don't speak with you'all for a couple of weeks, you'll know why.
Still thankyou for being here and do not give up on me!
