25 this year. been hardly sober for a very long time. Used pot for 2 years. Had acid i don't remember how many times. DXM was plenty. and just basically experimenting. im very into expressive art forms especially dance singing etc. before it was all ok. but during my acid trips i have seen things happen. i witnessed my own "friend" cheating another "friend's" money. saw a person offer acid just like that to his own cousin without preparation and explanation or such only to puke and hold on to a pole saying he'll die if he lets go. to tell you the truth when i first had acid i had this rush to want to share it with the world. i thought it would help people see peace and appreciate the world more. so i did that. but as i went around things got out of hand. i was a active person in my dance community where i am. i loved people. i loved sharing. i loved get togethers. things aren't exactly well at home my family went into bankruptcy. my mom does not support my pursuing of such things like dance because it doesnt bring in THAT kind of dough. But i didn't do it to be famous and rich. i did it and decided to continue because the community is fun to be with. or most of them. live in a pretty conservative society/country where its very very competitive in the sense of parents love to compare their kids to others. like you gotta be better then the others for the sake of showing off how much better you are then them.
i have lost many friends or rather i feel that i have distanced myself from many. my personality became irregular. i turned to pot to calm myself down not knowing that maybe ive gone too far. i used to be a very positive person. but negative thoughts attack me frequently now. i am suspicious. i am anxious. i can't handle myself in public for more then a few hours. i start to realize some of these people are only "friends". and the ones who really really were there and want me to move together and do greater things i have actually neglected..
i have started my own detox to stay clean of EVERY single substance. i want my body to be in it's original state again cuz life was bearable and still better then being on all these things. i'm not saying it's all bad but i think life was great amidst all the bullcraps happening even without all these extra things in the body. It's the tenth day now. I have finally opened up to my dad what is happening but he cannot understand fully because all these are like alien talk to him. I have spoken to another friend. but he is not a user. and i dont wish to trouble people because i have disappeared so long and it feels like im only coming back to them because im in need. because of some "habits" i have been poor with communication and connection. i kept thinking im imperfect i need to be better i need to i need to. i have disappointed many people. i have disappointed myself. i come here seeking help. it's the tenth day now. i thought i was doing well and im gonna get through this on my own but its starting to get scary. my moods are swinging like nothing. suddenly im angry suddenly im crying for no reason suddenly negative thoughts just appear like there's no point in waking up. like ive sunk too deep to get back. im suddenly blasted by so many emotions im not sure ill be able to handle myself for long if i go out into public areas. i don't know what to do. it feels like its all so messy. my life isnt bad. but i think im in a wreck too. i don't know what do think. my art has lost its direction. i dont know where to go. my finances have depleted to buy more "stuff". i have lied about my whereabouts because i actually cant face my non user friends in my non sober states. i have skipped my crew trainings. i have done so many bad things for a f***ing feeling. help me i don't know what to do now. everything is just rushing in and out its overwhelming
hey..... i don't know you but i'm proud of you. You want to stop. great. you want to be your old self.. great!!! and i promise you... your non-user friends want to see you. They want you to be there with them. Come on true friends want you to be the best you can be..... and you also want to be the best you can be. so well done for realizing! thats a f***ing big step! people struggle even to make that decision. ive done stuff various times but i've always felt guilty afterwards... so i had to put a end to it because i was falling into depression... and now i force myself to do the things that make me happy........productive things..........non-user type of things hehehe.
but i know it's difficult. well done
but i know it's difficult. well done
and do not skip training!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
