Today is one of those oganizational days here at work when there are not very many here..I am only here because I dont have a whole lot of extra leave days saved up because I used so many going home in march...anyways...thats actually a good thing since i can think today for awhile and this is what Im thinking about...
Yesterday for the first time in a long time...well..long for me ..I have been on methadone now exactly a month..give or take a few days...and yesterday I found myself thinking about heroin...missing it actually..not a huge craving or anything...just ...thinking about it...triggered I guess...my wife was framing a picture I had drawn and there was this little baggie that the string or whatevers came in...and I found myself thinking about how perfect that little baggie was to put my folded up dose in...and I said so...jokingly of course...but she stopped directly...and looked at me with real concern and asked if I was ok...and well I felt very ashamed of myself but I remained honest...I said ya...I was thinking about it...and well...it didnt mean anything except ...that i was thinking about heroin...and that sometimes sure..I still do...but the doc you see has told her that the methadone is suppose to make me NOT think about it...so she was..you know...really really concerned...but that was it...we both moved on...and the day was relaxing and definetly ok...but here I am today and I thought I would write a bit about some things...and that was one of them...does anyone else think about it sometimes ? I mean...miss it ? not in the miss it Im gonna go out and use way...just...well...miss it sometimes..I looked down at my arm even yesterday when that happened and thought about the spike and...well you all know the rest..
and I also thought today...that when I am dressed for worked...like when I make the effort to dress up..which I do now every day...pumps, skirts, nice clothes that sort of thing..I realize i dont think about it all that often...I mean..well..I dont usually think about H anymore or at least not in a missing way...not in the way I do say when I am wearing my ole jeans and sweatshirt stuff...and Im wonderng if maybe clothes has a definite impact on the way we think...if im dressed in a non druggie way...like...mainstream, or dressed up then I dont think about it in a using way...and Im wondering maybe I should stay dressed in a way ALL the time that stops me from thinking too much about it....well...im not really sure if that made any sense...but if you all got the jist of it...well...what do YOU guys think ? and so...thats that for the day...and as always..im glad this place is here ...cuz even when your clean..its still good to be able to check in on yourself when you need to...
Hi Con,
It does make a difference....that's why so many people have a big thing about buying stuff and what they wear....it's part of our self-image...part of how we project to the rest of the world who we want them to see us as....and of course that reflects right back in on us and tells us who we want the world to see us as and who we - at least in part - think we are. In part I'm a business consultant...in part I'm a loony dancer who goes to Glastonbury and gets asked for drugs every day because of the way I dance....lol....
Anything that reminds me of things that make me feel good about myself is good for my self-esteem and strengthens me against self-hating, self-destructive behaviours.....andything that makes me feel bad about myself or reminds me about things that make me feel bad about myself undermines my self-esteem and edges me closer to self-destructive choices....I guess if I think my "self" is "bad" I won't treat my "self" as well as I might when I feel it's "good" or worthy....
Maybe get some new casual clothes and give the ones you associate with using to charity....that might make you feel good for more than one reason...out with the old...shedding the old you....and someone else who doesn't have those associations will be grateful to you for it...
Take care,
Martin
It does make a difference....that's why so many people have a big thing about buying stuff and what they wear....it's part of our self-image...part of how we project to the rest of the world who we want them to see us as....and of course that reflects right back in on us and tells us who we want the world to see us as and who we - at least in part - think we are. In part I'm a business consultant...in part I'm a loony dancer who goes to Glastonbury and gets asked for drugs every day because of the way I dance....lol....
Anything that reminds me of things that make me feel good about myself is good for my self-esteem and strengthens me against self-hating, self-destructive behaviours.....andything that makes me feel bad about myself or reminds me about things that make me feel bad about myself undermines my self-esteem and edges me closer to self-destructive choices....I guess if I think my "self" is "bad" I won't treat my "self" as well as I might when I feel it's "good" or worthy....
Maybe get some new casual clothes and give the ones you associate with using to charity....that might make you feel good for more than one reason...out with the old...shedding the old you....and someone else who doesn't have those associations will be grateful to you for it...
Take care,
Martin
Martin;
You always are able to put EXACTLY what Im trying to say in the right words.....thank you...:) ...new casual clothes...thats exactly it....guess thats what I was trying to say...and ya...I need clothes that dont remind me of the self destructive memories...of course...I need to find somehow WHO I am somewhat now in order to actually get new clothes...I may have to try a lot of styles in order to find the right one...I guess that could be fun in a way too... strange to think of re-inventing myself at my age...but your so right...my clothes, my old style is associated with the old me...I need a new me style...thanks Martin...I'll see if anyone else weighs in on this one..I'd like to know if anyone else has ever gone through this....
You always are able to put EXACTLY what Im trying to say in the right words.....thank you...:) ...new casual clothes...thats exactly it....guess thats what I was trying to say...and ya...I need clothes that dont remind me of the self destructive memories...of course...I need to find somehow WHO I am somewhat now in order to actually get new clothes...I may have to try a lot of styles in order to find the right one...I guess that could be fun in a way too... strange to think of re-inventing myself at my age...but your so right...my clothes, my old style is associated with the old me...I need a new me style...thanks Martin...I'll see if anyone else weighs in on this one..I'd like to know if anyone else has ever gone through this....
I'm really lucky....for the first time in my life I let myself be persuaded to let someone else shop for me....my daughter-in law bought me new casual clothes...I looked at them....wasn't sure....tried them on and loved them....some I took back but most I loved.....she saw things in me I didn't see in myself...and I loved it...I'm buying things now I never would have before...it's an adventure and DOING it sent me another powerful message - I'm ready to change, I'm ready to find the me I never found before....not for the past 45 years....
I struggled at first, and got upset....sometimes I couldn't choose and got upset....felt so anxious about getting it wrong...boy I've been screwed up...lol...but my daughter-in-law told me she was Queen of taking things back...and gradually I got used ot it....now it's fun.
Have fun with it Con!
Martin
I struggled at first, and got upset....sometimes I couldn't choose and got upset....felt so anxious about getting it wrong...boy I've been screwed up...lol...but my daughter-in-law told me she was Queen of taking things back...and gradually I got used ot it....now it's fun.
Have fun with it Con!
Martin
i know exactly what you are talking about--and for me alot of it has to do with self esteem, i cannot write much now and have alot to say, but i am so glad you are back ,really really missd you, also--yes i do miss it now and again, there is a certain excitement and i dont know what word im trying to use--its like a lifestyle i fell in love with--i know it seems shallow but there is a whole artfull twist to usig heroin almost a beautifull thing--at least for me, and that i do long for, like it or not it was a major part of our lives, and your mind body and soul were wrapped up into in, so you will miss it, just teach yourself to miss it then let it go, it sounds like you are doing finewith that, i keep a healthy fear of relapse and using, because i know as soon as that fear goes away im doomed--talk to ya later concon, xoxoxoxoxo
Habit.
Bubble Yum Blue Gum Wrappers.
People at pay phones pacing.
Got a million of them Con De Con...........not missing the high, but missing the cop..............lots of people miss the cop..............socializing for us.........yes, sir me and my cronnies............two dozen more messed up souls.........one has to be worse than me...........at least that's not me.
Then in the real live I'm no longer a junkie life...........everybody be better than me...........even with my pumps and skirts................and truth be told, Con if we wanted to or HAD to we'd be copping in pumps...........actually I did it plenty of times............I looked better than everyone else copping............in my platform Nine West's.............no Minola's for moi..........if we copped in a cat suit for a few days in a row............we'd associate all things Donna Summers with dope I bet, Con De Con.
Most important I absolutely believe you being forthright with your wife speaks volumes..............and it does scare our loved ones, BUT us telling it's sort of a way to keep ourselves in check..............be accountable..........isn't it? I recall telling my gentleman friend that..............similar and him freaking out "You've been off that s*it for two months now. Knock it off. You go get high that's it for you. I'm done"...............and I had to calmly tell him I wanted to be honest that passing the chick out on the payphone who was pacing got me a little itchy is all..................but I had no intention of using.
Certain songs.
Black stamped words anywhere.
It goes on and on that sort of trigger..............but at some point you'll be clean for so long it's a memory is all Con...............or a nightmare left alone.
You're doing good and get on wit your bad self...........pumps and all.
BTW, I threw out my sneakers.............the ones had a gold lame tip on them........they were my copping sneakers I thought..........I tossed them.......you're a new you, Con............cary on.....keeping being honest.
Bubble Yum Blue Gum Wrappers.
People at pay phones pacing.
Got a million of them Con De Con...........not missing the high, but missing the cop..............lots of people miss the cop..............socializing for us.........yes, sir me and my cronnies............two dozen more messed up souls.........one has to be worse than me...........at least that's not me.
Then in the real live I'm no longer a junkie life...........everybody be better than me...........even with my pumps and skirts................and truth be told, Con if we wanted to or HAD to we'd be copping in pumps...........actually I did it plenty of times............I looked better than everyone else copping............in my platform Nine West's.............no Minola's for moi..........if we copped in a cat suit for a few days in a row............we'd associate all things Donna Summers with dope I bet, Con De Con.
Most important I absolutely believe you being forthright with your wife speaks volumes..............and it does scare our loved ones, BUT us telling it's sort of a way to keep ourselves in check..............be accountable..........isn't it? I recall telling my gentleman friend that..............similar and him freaking out "You've been off that s*it for two months now. Knock it off. You go get high that's it for you. I'm done"...............and I had to calmly tell him I wanted to be honest that passing the chick out on the payphone who was pacing got me a little itchy is all..................but I had no intention of using.
Certain songs.
Black stamped words anywhere.
It goes on and on that sort of trigger..............but at some point you'll be clean for so long it's a memory is all Con...............or a nightmare left alone.
You're doing good and get on wit your bad self...........pumps and all.
BTW, I threw out my sneakers.............the ones had a gold lame tip on them........they were my copping sneakers I thought..........I tossed them.......you're a new you, Con............cary on.....keeping being honest.
I wrote this once, then hit the back button cos I thought "it doesn't matter what I think of other people, don't be so egotistical"....then I saw some more of your recent posts...and I thought it all over again, so what the heck, sure it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks of you, only what you think of you, but this is what I think of you:-
I admire the heck out of the lot of you, I really do.
Martin
I admire the heck out of the lot of you, I really do.
Martin
Oh My...pumps and all....ya...you know I would too if it had come to that...laughed my butt off at the visual though ...and Donna Summers 80s nights boogie baggin thats what it would have been for sure :)...and Im really relieved that Im not the only one that misses it...damn...yes and yes again...so many freakin things sometimes...itchy...thats the word for sure...and it WAs an art form..in its own destructive way...it did have beauty...and thats why I suppose it was my DOC...and im not craving really...your right...im just missing the cop...the social aspect sometimes...and Im glad to know that other peoples partners give the same...the words were almost exactly what my wife said...thansk for being here folks ...really...ya...copping sneakers...got um...that and my lucky sweatshirt...guess Im going to need to give those away...and its Ok...I think I will feel good doing that....triggers...there are so many...damn...I hope the missing becomes just a small memory some day...Im going to admit that the last few days have been tough...Im feeling ok though...relieved Im still standing...and that healthy fear of relaspe is still there...:)
i dont know bout the meth making u not think about using con as there r lots of people who use on top of their scripts.im really glad u r feeling good about yourself my coffee coloured friend.lol.ive been meaning to ask you or bryn,what r the jones,s?or whatever could u please explain,also while u r on the subject of tossing things out the first thing that always goes is my toothbrush,i also can relate to going and getting new gear as its the only time i do it plus the best time as your doing it without the rose tinted specs on.i saw a bus from that place u live while on my travels,jumped out at me coz of u or i wouldnt have given it a second glance..speak 2u soon my peculiar friend.lol.mind let me know bout what the joneses mean..eck
Hi Eck :)
well your right on that I think...the Doc says to my wife that Im not suppose to think about it...but I think he must know of course that thats simply not all that true..cuz for sure I'd be dead I would think if I DIDNT think about it every so often...and ya...people use on top of it...just standing in the clinic line would have let me known that...dont know how many times I've been offered dope standing there already..:)...and Im kind of curious ...what exactly would the high be like anyways ? CAN you even still get high when your downing the methadone ?...guess so...or people wouldnt do it huh ?...also...every now and then I would love a glass of wine...but Im not sure if thats a good thing to do...like...would it mess me up ?...is it compatible with the meth ? I know they are stupid questions...but hey...its not like I know a whole lot about methadone ya know :)..also...I find if I split my dose up into twice a day it seems to go on better but ive been told I shouldnt do that...is there any reason I shouldnt ?..Jonesing means: wanting, craving, hurting for some dope...doing the shake and dance for wanting it so bad :)....
well your right on that I think...the Doc says to my wife that Im not suppose to think about it...but I think he must know of course that thats simply not all that true..cuz for sure I'd be dead I would think if I DIDNT think about it every so often...and ya...people use on top of it...just standing in the clinic line would have let me known that...dont know how many times I've been offered dope standing there already..:)...and Im kind of curious ...what exactly would the high be like anyways ? CAN you even still get high when your downing the methadone ?...guess so...or people wouldnt do it huh ?...also...every now and then I would love a glass of wine...but Im not sure if thats a good thing to do...like...would it mess me up ?...is it compatible with the meth ? I know they are stupid questions...but hey...its not like I know a whole lot about methadone ya know :)..also...I find if I split my dose up into twice a day it seems to go on better but ive been told I shouldnt do that...is there any reason I shouldnt ?..Jonesing means: wanting, craving, hurting for some dope...doing the shake and dance for wanting it so bad :)....
Alrite Con how much meth. are you on ?......drinking a bottle of vino on top of yer dose aint such a good idea but a glass or two wouldnt hurt .......i have a few cans of lager on a Friday and it doesnt affect me.Splitting yer dose is also o.k just as long as you take it at regular times during your day.Using on top of yer dose can vary from person to person i found i still got high when i used on top and im taking 70ml.I think the higher yer dose the less you are to get a buzz outta the H.Ive been on meth 7yrs so anymore questions just fire away.
Take care Ms or should i say Mrs....lol.............Davey
Take care Ms or should i say Mrs....lol.............Davey
well now...Mrs. will do; you young whipper snapper you :) !! lol !!!
hey davey... Thanks ....Thanks for answering my questions ..really...I'm sure there probably kind of silly to a lot of people but..ya know...there really dead serious to me...ok...so a glass of wine would be ok...thats a relief...I sometimes miss a cold glass every now and then...so...I'll give it a try...Im a fcking lite weight davey...im at 2.5...dont know if thats mg or mls or 20 mgs or mls...but the doc says I need to go up quite a bit so I am slowly increasing...I get nervous about it because I have to drive so far every day to work...and I find myself having problems comming home at night driving...unable to focus well..thats why I tried the split dose thing ...and it worked...the drive went easier..I try to do it at the same time every morning...but its not exact and sometimes its an hour off or so...hope that doesnt matter too much...this all new to me...so if I decided to ride on top of it I would maybe get a good ride huh ? well, I was just curious...im ok with not right now...oh one more question ...its ok to mix it w water in its little bottle isnt it ? ...Im sure it is but well...like i said...im new to this.......oh..and im not on the green juice...im on the clear stuff...is there a big difference with that ? I only know I had a horrible reaction on the green juice that first time...but then again...he gave me that dose while I was still high as a kite...If I remember I had just IV'd less then 20 minutes before he gave me the methadone...so a part of me thinks I was just freaking OVER high that day...my own fault of course...I dont think I was all level with him on when I had last taken the h...but he said some people DO have bad reactions on the green stuff..so ...could have been that I guess...the clear stuff DOES seem to be better..
hey davey... Thanks ....Thanks for answering my questions ..really...I'm sure there probably kind of silly to a lot of people but..ya know...there really dead serious to me...ok...so a glass of wine would be ok...thats a relief...I sometimes miss a cold glass every now and then...so...I'll give it a try...Im a fcking lite weight davey...im at 2.5...dont know if thats mg or mls or 20 mgs or mls...but the doc says I need to go up quite a bit so I am slowly increasing...I get nervous about it because I have to drive so far every day to work...and I find myself having problems comming home at night driving...unable to focus well..thats why I tried the split dose thing ...and it worked...the drive went easier..I try to do it at the same time every morning...but its not exact and sometimes its an hour off or so...hope that doesnt matter too much...this all new to me...so if I decided to ride on top of it I would maybe get a good ride huh ? well, I was just curious...im ok with not right now...oh one more question ...its ok to mix it w water in its little bottle isnt it ? ...Im sure it is but well...like i said...im new to this.......oh..and im not on the green juice...im on the clear stuff...is there a big difference with that ? I only know I had a horrible reaction on the green juice that first time...but then again...he gave me that dose while I was still high as a kite...If I remember I had just IV'd less then 20 minutes before he gave me the methadone...so a part of me thinks I was just freaking OVER high that day...my own fault of course...I dont think I was all level with him on when I had last taken the h...but he said some people DO have bad reactions on the green stuff..so ...could have been that I guess...the clear stuff DOES seem to be better..
Young whipper snapper i like that ....baby yer on a low dose....most folks over here are started on 30/40ml and ml compares directlty to mg........as you said yer only starting spiltting yer dose is a good idea if yer having trouble focusing on the drive home.....but as i said yer Doc has started you on a very low dosage by the sounds of it you dont need anymore than 40/50ml.and it takes yer body awhile to adjust but the clinic seem to know what they are doing.Taking yer yer dose doesnt have to be an exact science....an hr.or two off each day wont matter much.Also you can mix it with water its all the same.As i said enjoy a couple of glasses of wine just dont go overboard.......you know that anyhow.Yes you will get a kick outta a turn on but im sure thats just commen curiosity.Con take care and keep us updated.............Davey
Sorry Con missed the last bit bout the green and the clear......im on the green and its o.k never had the clear so i really wouldnt know the differance.Again take care.........Davey
Hey Davey..thanks ever so much for being patient an answering my questions...It really means a lot to me and I hope you and your little one are well and smiling :) and your eyes and ribs are healing too !! :)
