I apologise for the length of this post in advance - I have a great habit of writing too much once I start. I am writing this post to share my story, and hopefully doing this might help me a little. I also hope it might help others who come here searching for answers.
I'm sick of hearing things like "It's only weed" or "It's not addictive" or, perhaps the worst "I can stop anytime - there are no withdrawal symptoms. . . . . . . . I've heard phrases like this spouted at me so many times over the last few years that I started to think that I am the only person experiencing the hold that weed has over me - It's like an iron, vice like grip it has over me. I have managed to stop loads of times for 2, 3, maybe even 4 days but I always go back to it. During the times that I am stopped, it's difficult to think of anything else. . . . . . here's how it started for me.
Until 2010 I was a very, very heavy drinker. I'm talking 2 litres of vodka a day, and a couple bottles of wine with lunch. I always managed to control my drinking during working hours, and was just topping up during those times. However, after work was another story, and so was before work - I'd be drinking even before I showered. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I lost everything through drinking in 2010. I lost my house, my job, my relationship of 10 years broke apart, I lost my grandparents at around the same time, then the drinking almost took my life, and I stopped - It wasn't easy, but my friends and family rallied round, I got through it, and haven't drank from that day to this - I don't even think about drinking anymore. Hopefully I never will.
I had friends who smoked weed recreationally, and while I was struggling in the initial stages of giving up drinking, I started to smoke cannabis with friends. I enjoyed the feelings it gave me, and it was a good replacement for the drink. That wasn't to last.
After a few weeks of smoking the occasional time with friends, I started to buy my own, and very quickly became a person who done nothing but smoke. From the minute I woke, until I went back to sleep, I smoked constantly. And I enjoyed it. I thought it was helping me to be better socially, that nobody knew or noticed how much I smoked, and in any case, it's just weed, right?
Fast Forward 6 years, and now I've managed to get myself in a dreadful situation. I haven't worked in 6 years, I am isolated in my own flat, most of my friends are long gone because I've borrowed from most of them over the years and never paid back, all to feed this addiction. I still manage to maintain basic family relationships, but that's more down to them than any effort on my part. I miss family events without explanation, I turn my phone off for weeks on end and I have cared about nothing other than making sure I have enough cannabis, cigarettes and food in the house. Ridiculous, right? Well, that's not even the half of it. I would be here all day if I wrote the full story down.
I've now been trying for the last few months to stop permanently. I've been unsuccessful, beyond a few days. Every time I fail and end up going to buy more, I hate myself that little bit more. My confidence is at the lowest point it's possible for it to get to. I can't trust myself for 5 minutes. No matter how good I might be starting to feel, I always go back to it the very second I have the cash.
Today is Monday. I had my last smoke on Saturday night. Today, for the first time, I went to a local drugs help place, and met a couple of the counsellors there, they seemed lovely, I managed to relax enough to tell them basically what I've said here, and they are going to get me on their programmes hopefully starting later this week or the beginning of next. They have asked me to stay clean for the few days it takes to organise the activity based help and support groups they can offer. I'm determined to do this, and determined to get back there next week, with my first full week of not smoking. I hope to be able to achieve this, and by throwing myself into their programmes, and activities and with the help that is available, I hope to start putting a new structure in place in my life to prevent any relapse.
The week ahead on my own is going to be hard. There's no way around that. Already I can't sleep, I feel constantly tearful, and the feelings of guilt that I carry for myself, for the years of life I have lost, and for the friends and family I have let down - smoking instantly takes that guilt and associated pain away, but only ever temporarily. On top of that, I feel lonely, isolated and, quite honestly, desperate. Cannabis was my saviour when I quit drinking. Now, it's an addiction which has become just as bad, if not worse, than alcoholism.
Drugs are drugs. Cannabis is no better or worse than any other drug. So, the physical withdrawal symptoms might be restricted only to lack of sleep, bad appetite, and night sweats, but the mental and the psychological addiction is 100 times worse than any physical withdrawals. The way years of cannabis abuse now makes me see myself so negatively is hard to live with. I only have one hope for the future right now, and that hope is to have a future of some kind. I would love to work again. I would love to be able to go on holidays again. I would love to be able to make amends to those I have hurt, borrowed from, ignored and cast aside.
I can't do any of those things though until I get my own head straight. How long that will take, I don't know. I don't want to feel scared anymore, I'm tired of being afraid and lonely, and I realise that being so is of my own making.
So, if you are struggling with cannabis, don't let anyone tell you it's a "Soft drug" - It may be for some people, but only you know how much of an effect it's having on your life.
I am off for now, but I will be sure to check back for replies, and if anyone is interested, I will post over the coming weeks and let y'all know how my recovery journey is going. I will put 100% into this for me, and for the future I might have - a future I am denying to myself if I go back to it again.
I am one week clean, I think thinking spiritual and philosophical thoughts helps. I HAVE been smoking for about two and half years and I have finally stopped, just keep hope alive
You are on the right track - having humility and asking for help. Keep taking the advice offered and learn about yourself. Seek out strategies and make a plan. Find someone to walk the journey with you. Keep persevering like riding a bike just keep getting back on. I applauded your honesty and perseverance so far. Keep honest and allow others to keep you honest. Find a celebrate recovery course. Your story has hope - keep asking for help - this is a journey that no one should do alone. All the best. From a Mum whose watching her son go down this path.
hello my name is saraha shrader and i am 25 years old and have an addiction to marijuana and i have been doing good other then about two months ago and still struggling to get my son back into my care because of marijuana its been really rough on my plate all i have is a empty home where i live my child isnt in my care right now because of excues and i am tired of being tired and really trying to fight the fight and wanting to have the realationship back with my two year old and doing what has to be done for me to get him back its been really hard for me to sleep at night so i have been doing my studies for me to get the child in my care its been really rough and rocky and wanting to get him back thanks for the support and able to listen to me
