Hello everyone, first off let me start by saying I hope everyone finds themselves and their families in good health and spirits. I have some things I wanted to open up about and share with everyone. One thing on this post and the other I will be sharing on another post. So bare with me everyone as I try not to take much of everyone's valued time. So now I'll start off as explaining how, I joined this website in late June of this year and posted quite a few replies and made some amazing friends. Friends that I feel that have hearts of gold and it's a pleasure for me to even call them my friends. Some of these friends are still battling they're own addiction and some not. And some have never had they're own addiction other then being addicted to a loved one who is facing the horror of this disease. Recently I've actually made these friends. And those friends made me want to visit this site a little more then normally. And reading all the good and positive things they would say on someone's post somehow managed to make me want to really strive on getting clean. In my world over here in Los Angeles county I have no family or friends. I actually got about 3 family members. One knows nothing about the other me, the other is way younger then my and the other is my mother. And if anyone remembers any of my post or replies then they know my mother is also a heroin addict for 28 years. So for me to stay home and drug free was merely impossible because of her. Even telling her to not help encourage me to use was an issue that she couldn't do. With my friends on this site helping to influence me in that positive way to beat the odds and do what's right was very encouraging for me and I wanted so much to be on the side of life as they were on. That ultimately made me feel as to give myself a chance in trying to overcome my addiction. And with friends like these then how could I fail. But , here is my down fall. My mother, she made it hard for me. I would get to one day and then fall. Pick myself up, fall again. I kept doing that over and over again as each time felt harder. Till I finally stopped trying. I felt my mom was knowing exactly what she was doing. Losing her stuff asking me if I seen it. Asking for extra money to complete her full amount. And asking me to watch over my nephew so she can go hook up and would share with me. She know I wanted to do this. So questioning maybe she forgot was out of the question. I know she remembered after every time she'd ask me for something and then would see the look on my face. A look of "ahh man". So I know she knew cause if anyone knows us best it's our own mother's. Well, my point is , upon me trying to "go me" on my sobriety, all my friends here knew. And I haven't been on this site for two to three weeks. I should have some great news for everybody instead I have bad news. I feel like I let everyone down. I try to tell myself that maybe they won't care too much because they have they're own problems at home. But then if that was true then my feelings would really be hurt. But all in all, I just wanted to apologize to all my friends for not accomplishing squat.. in my eyes once again I have failed miserably. I let myself down so bad this time. I wanted so much to get right but failed once again miserably. Sometimes I can really hate myself for this life ive been given.
But to all my friends , all my mommy friends I'm terribly sorry for letting you all down if I did. Believe me. Just for me to come out and say this out loud is a big step because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for not doing good. But I'm not saying I'm giving up. No way, I still want to beat this stupid disease and am willing to try try try again. But , I'm sorry guys. I really am. Thanks everyone who took the time to read my post. I really hope I wasn't a ear sore :(
One day at a time my friend. Never stop trying.
Hey BL,
So glad u wrote that- but the only one u really disappointed is you hon... We are all adults we all know how it goes hon. I just had a setback myself, but am now trying again.
C'mon - wanna go again? It gets easier each time I do believe. I've fallen down so many times that I know that one of these times will be the last one. I just found out today that someone is trying to sue me (thru my work) and if I didn't run to a bag today- then anything is possible. It's just gotten to the point now that I kinda realize that I'll have a couple of falls before I get up correctly. So it's possible I may have another fall- but that's not my aim. My aim is to be better and be free and I know that is in my future. IF you REALLY want it- it's in yours too my dear. If you wanna walk with me, I'd be honored. We can try to help each other.... Let me kno.
The only real failure is when you stop trying.
OL
So glad u wrote that- but the only one u really disappointed is you hon... We are all adults we all know how it goes hon. I just had a setback myself, but am now trying again.
C'mon - wanna go again? It gets easier each time I do believe. I've fallen down so many times that I know that one of these times will be the last one. I just found out today that someone is trying to sue me (thru my work) and if I didn't run to a bag today- then anything is possible. It's just gotten to the point now that I kinda realize that I'll have a couple of falls before I get up correctly. So it's possible I may have another fall- but that's not my aim. My aim is to be better and be free and I know that is in my future. IF you REALLY want it- it's in yours too my dear. If you wanna walk with me, I'd be honored. We can try to help each other.... Let me kno.
The only real failure is when you stop trying.
OL
Hi Babyluv,
Thank you for taking your time to post what you did. I was at a women's AA meeting today, we read from the Women's devotional, "Each Day A New Beginning." And it was along the lines of what you wrote. It talked about being on a path and that sometimes we get 'down' on ourselves for getting sidetracked, but ultimately we're still heading towards our destination.
I think it says a lot about your character that you're still wanting recovery. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stay clean. I know a few "one chip wonders" ( in the rooms of NA/AA ) and they are awesome. I wish that I could've gotten it right away, but I just didn't. That doesn't mean I give up. It was 20 yrs for me, from the time I was first introduced to AA/NA, to when I finally gave it a shot, for real. So many rehabs, white chips, relapses, an arrest... so much wreckage. Would I change that record if I could? You bet... But I can't.
Just because I didn't get it right away, doesn't make my miracle of sobriety any less wonderful.
Do not give up. Keep coming back. I get it!
You are still wonderful. You are God's perfect creation, God doesn't make junk.
Persephone
Thank you for taking your time to post what you did. I was at a women's AA meeting today, we read from the Women's devotional, "Each Day A New Beginning." And it was along the lines of what you wrote. It talked about being on a path and that sometimes we get 'down' on ourselves for getting sidetracked, but ultimately we're still heading towards our destination.
I think it says a lot about your character that you're still wanting recovery. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stay clean. I know a few "one chip wonders" ( in the rooms of NA/AA ) and they are awesome. I wish that I could've gotten it right away, but I just didn't. That doesn't mean I give up. It was 20 yrs for me, from the time I was first introduced to AA/NA, to when I finally gave it a shot, for real. So many rehabs, white chips, relapses, an arrest... so much wreckage. Would I change that record if I could? You bet... But I can't.
Just because I didn't get it right away, doesn't make my miracle of sobriety any less wonderful.
Do not give up. Keep coming back. I get it!
You are still wonderful. You are God's perfect creation, God doesn't make junk.
Persephone
Ahh thank you guy. I really appreciate it all. You see, this is what I mean when I say my friends here have a heart of gold. You guys a recall the best. Honestly, thank you guys for all understanding and not being judgmental in any way shape or form.opiate lover, I would love to give it another try with you. I'm ready when you are.
Thanks everyone , you guys are the best .
Thanks everyone , you guys are the best .
BL, I'm actually running out right now, as I'm going to a dinner party w/some friends. Can't believe I'm doing something so normal like that. It's been a while. But, I'd actually started writing a note to you last nite and I've just saved it on my lappy here and I will come back here either later tonite or more likely tomorrow. I've been putting together a little plan and I wanted to run it by you and see if it works for you. I want us to put some thought into it BEFORE we do anything. Let me ask you this- were you planning on doing a taper? That's sorta what I was thinking, as it has worked for me in the past. That ok with you? If it is- that'd be great hon. I think it's actually a REALLY good thing to get it in your head (both our heads) that we are gonna do this. It's not gonna happen overnite but neither did the addiction. I'm thinking of a three or four week taper before jumping off all together. That way it'll be less painful. Do you think that you would be willing to do that? Please tell me your thoughts on a taper hon. I kno that u've mentioned u're mostly alone so it may be more difficult since you'll have to do it all on your onesies, but I will be doing exact same thing. Please just ponder all that my dear and I really, really wanna hear your feelings and thoughts on us doing this in the very near future. Please just be honest with me hon and tell me if you think it's feasible, ok? I hope, hope that we can work it out. BUT- If we can't- we will figure out another way. Hoping this reaches you in best of spirits tonite my dear one. Just take some time to really, really think about all of this and we'll reconvene here tomorrow or so.... I'm excited to hear your thoughts as we figure out this very, very, very important plan for the rest of our lives. Talk more soon, OL
Persephone. I wanted to tell you thank you again for that encouraging reply. That book that you spoke about. About "women" , is that a NA book ? I would like to read that. But I'll go ahead and look for it. I'm curious about it
Hi OP. Yea I think you plan is great. I see I missed you yesterday. Ima be here for awhile looking for you at the same time.. I hope to see you really soon.
Hey BabyLuv, Ok Darlin so check this out and pleeze let me know what you think- of this type of plan.. So Im finally putting this in writing and if you are willing -I'll be more than happy but actually more honoured if u wanna walk with me thru this bumpy & rocky journey that we will try to traverse from here. I just need to know if u are gonna start a taper -I would think yes, cuz I don't think that you are gonna go CT. That would suck and last thing I want is for you (or me) is to be sick if we dont absolutely have to. So lets see how we can plan this out. I've got a semi-plan that is a taper over a three (possibly four if we have to) week period. It's what I did last time- and it's not totally pain free, but it's heck of a lot better than other methods I've seen and tried. I feel lucky to be able to do it this way- as most folks usually get pushed into a corner (i.e. get thrown in jail, or completely run out of money or dealer dies or goes to jail) and don't have any other choice. At that point most users have a super high tolerance and now have to go CT from a big-a** amount. I honesty do NOT want that to be us. So if u tell me that U are okay with a taper-type of plan and Ill ghead & try to work something out. I was gonna start today- but in all honesty I didnt because I had a really important meeting. Someone is suing me (thru my work) and that means that the big wigs from corporate want to talk with me. I know, I know, I know that Im using that as an excuse today and Im letting myself do that --BUT only for now. Cuz I kno me and Ill try to stretch it out all week- telling myself that I need it this week cuz of this situation. But let's be honest-There is always gonna be a situation, ALWAYS! -and Ive got to get over that. So I am allowing myself today and tomorrow but then I am really gonna try to get on the straight & narrow and start the serious taper. You down BabyLuv?? I really really hope so hon, PLEASE ponder this very seriously- and let me kno ok?? OL
