A while back I wrote about a visit I took to my best friend's parent's house. Long story short her older sister had gone into treatment for pills a couple of days before I got there.
Well she is getting out next week.They could only afford 28 days. The treatment center she is in is based heavily on the 12-Step philosphy. I saw some of the paperwork that came home with the parents after they had visited her. Anyway she has been telling her family, including my best friend that she is fine now. Basically cured. My best friend asked her if she wanted her to look into meeting places for her when she gets back to town. She (the girl in treatment)..said, "No I don't have to go to meetings unless I want to." She is also telling the family that her counselors in there said she is fine as long as she reads the big book and she doesn't have to go to meetings. She is also still blaming everyone but herself for her addiction.
My best friend called me and asked me if I thought she was lying etc. etc. I played completely ignorant and just kept saying that I don't know about her treatment program. I told her that when I went in for speed in 2000 I was required to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. It really wasn't an option. I didn't do as they suggested and that is probably why I ended up switching to booze. Duh......novel conclusion huh??
I guess I am just venting to you guys here because it helps me. I just didn't want to get sucked into the drama if that makes sense. When I was there it literally sucked the life out of me and I could feel myself being drawn back in even over the phone.
Anway...thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes I just gotta get stuff out of my head.
Valarie,
You never need to apologize for discussing what is going on, what is keeping your head noisy, or sharing your ESH.
I bet that must be a difficult position to be in. Would you be comfortable talking with the sister? How would you respond if she asked why she needs to go to meetings when you yourself have remained sober without? Would you urge her to go? I think you handled it beautifully by sharing your experience without getting caught up in the drama. WTG girlfriend!
You never need to apologize for discussing what is going on, what is keeping your head noisy, or sharing your ESH.
I bet that must be a difficult position to be in. Would you be comfortable talking with the sister? How would you respond if she asked why she needs to go to meetings when you yourself have remained sober without? Would you urge her to go? I think you handled it beautifully by sharing your experience without getting caught up in the drama. WTG girlfriend!
Well Zip I honestly would encourage her to go through with the program that they designed for her.12-Steps is the program. I mean for Jiminy Crackers she had to go into treatment didn't she. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking with her really. I mean from the stand point of addiction I could to be supportive but pills weren't my addiction so I can't offer much esh on that one. I just feel so bad for the entire family because everyone and everything is centered around the addict. I know typical.
Meanwhile my best friend is in the throws of hell too. Oh well. I will just be supportive from a far. Sounds like this may not be her last trip her sister takes to the clink. I will pray for their entire family.
Thanks for letting me vent. I read over my post again and I just feel so helpless.
Have a good one. We are heading back out to the desert. Chat soon!
Meanwhile my best friend is in the throws of hell too. Oh well. I will just be supportive from a far. Sounds like this may not be her last trip her sister takes to the clink. I will pray for their entire family.
Thanks for letting me vent. I read over my post again and I just feel so helpless.
Have a good one. We are heading back out to the desert. Chat soon!
Jiminy CRACKERS?! You got a problem with CRACKERS now?!! LOL!!
Look, Valarie, unless you're prepared to help her through The Steps; unless you're ready to accept responsibility for someone who's told her family she's not responsible; unless you're prepared to become an addiction recovery counselor, I suggest you let her counselors make suggestions. What you CAN do is suggest that your PAL find some AlAnon--if not for her than for her children to try out. We've talked about this stuff before: You can lead a horse to water, but the damned thing may just piss in it. Help your friend find some resources and be there to support her--a sponsor needs to have NO emotional ties to the sponsee or they're NOT going to be effective. You're too close to the fire. She'll expect "different" treatment based on your friendship. As for the family pill addict, I would suggest examining just what you COULD do from where you are and be realistic. And ask yourself the same questions regarding emotional involvement.
I've heard it said often that the only people that are able to reach addicts are other addicts (like alcoholics), and NOT anyone associated with the 'candidate,' their family, or their friends. It's because the perception, real or imagined, is that the 'candidate' perceives a conspiracy. They've got to 'buy in' to their own recovery which generally means selecting their peer group. 90 in 90 is the standard "treatment/spa" answer, but I know people that are being required to do twice and online attendance (E-Treatment is an option, but it's expensive) too.
Use your common sense, but don't for a moment think that you're ready for the responsibility of your friends' family's addictions. I can think of NO situation where it's a good idea and you're more likely to relapse than they are to get straight.
Look, Valarie, unless you're prepared to help her through The Steps; unless you're ready to accept responsibility for someone who's told her family she's not responsible; unless you're prepared to become an addiction recovery counselor, I suggest you let her counselors make suggestions. What you CAN do is suggest that your PAL find some AlAnon--if not for her than for her children to try out. We've talked about this stuff before: You can lead a horse to water, but the damned thing may just piss in it. Help your friend find some resources and be there to support her--a sponsor needs to have NO emotional ties to the sponsee or they're NOT going to be effective. You're too close to the fire. She'll expect "different" treatment based on your friendship. As for the family pill addict, I would suggest examining just what you COULD do from where you are and be realistic. And ask yourself the same questions regarding emotional involvement.
I've heard it said often that the only people that are able to reach addicts are other addicts (like alcoholics), and NOT anyone associated with the 'candidate,' their family, or their friends. It's because the perception, real or imagined, is that the 'candidate' perceives a conspiracy. They've got to 'buy in' to their own recovery which generally means selecting their peer group. 90 in 90 is the standard "treatment/spa" answer, but I know people that are being required to do twice and online attendance (E-Treatment is an option, but it's expensive) too.
Use your common sense, but don't for a moment think that you're ready for the responsibility of your friends' family's addictions. I can think of NO situation where it's a good idea and you're more likely to relapse than they are to get straight.
I'd stay as far away from that as I could....
let her find her wings and let her fall....you making it your business is'nt gonna do a damned thing
let her find her wings and let her fall....you making it your business is'nt gonna do a damned thing
I knew you guys would set me straight! SKG for sure!! BTW...I loved how you capitalized pal. lololol...
I AM way tooo close to this. It took one phone call and I have all the emotional crap back rolling around in my head again as I did the day I left there.
I guess my best friend is just reaching out because she knows I am an addict. Gonna be here in spirit but as you said Skg you can't lead a horse to water. If any of them actually wanted help I would offer my experience but they want the magic pill to make all the problems go away.
My best friend said she did find some on-line support for families so I am happy about that. The good news is that after school is out in just a few weeks she and her children are moving out of there.
Anyway...thanks again my on-line friends for giving it to me straight as I knew it would come. I am not willing to relapse over anyone else's bulls***! I have enough work not doing that on my own. lolol
XX Valarie
I AM way tooo close to this. It took one phone call and I have all the emotional crap back rolling around in my head again as I did the day I left there.
I guess my best friend is just reaching out because she knows I am an addict. Gonna be here in spirit but as you said Skg you can't lead a horse to water. If any of them actually wanted help I would offer my experience but they want the magic pill to make all the problems go away.
My best friend said she did find some on-line support for families so I am happy about that. The good news is that after school is out in just a few weeks she and her children are moving out of there.
Anyway...thanks again my on-line friends for giving it to me straight as I knew it would come. I am not willing to relapse over anyone else's bulls***! I have enough work not doing that on my own. lolol
XX Valarie
Take it easy val.You have to look after you first. Nice to be concerned but don't do anything that would interfere with your sobriety. I know I am going to be very careful from now on when it comes to running booze errands. we have to put our sobriety before anything else. I am learning gf slowly but I am learning lol. God bless and take care
I have a close friend who's daughter is deep in her addiction. The main one alcohol. My friend is raising her three grandkids alone. Sometimes the best thing I can do for her is just to listen. Give her a hug and tell her I will keep praying. I also tell her I don't know for sure, as I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I avoid for my own mental health.
I'm sure happy to hear that your friend and her kids will be moving shortly after school's out. That in it self will help them greatly. Then you will have more peace of mind knowing she and her kids are in safer environment. You can hope and pray that the bottom for the addict isn't to the center of the Earth. That there's a trampoline that shoots her back to the surface. Where she will want to find recovery. I know after several thousand trips their myself I did. Or was it millions. I'm just glad I'm on the surface of planet Earth. With my feet planted in recovery.
I'm sure happy to hear that your friend and her kids will be moving shortly after school's out. That in it self will help them greatly. Then you will have more peace of mind knowing she and her kids are in safer environment. You can hope and pray that the bottom for the addict isn't to the center of the Earth. That there's a trampoline that shoots her back to the surface. Where she will want to find recovery. I know after several thousand trips their myself I did. Or was it millions. I'm just glad I'm on the surface of planet Earth. With my feet planted in recovery.
its a great news that she is getting out. after she gets out, try to keep her absoloutely busy. because i have seen this in my rehab, the patients who go out after getting the treatment are most likely to get back again. it takes sheer will power to completely get out of it. help her in getting out of it completely
JWP
JWP
It has to be "her" choices when she gets out. Other people trying to do it for her won't amount to a hill of beans. Trying to use will power to overcome addiction is what got most of us in trouble in the first place.
Valarie, I loved Skg's post. Clear and on the money for my money.
I'm STILL trying to detach with love....if you've a compassionate bone in your body it's hell to watch someone you love or care for struggle with addiction of any kind and it creates a madness all of its own....every bit as damaging mentally if not physically, imho....I've stopped drinking and that was easier than letting go of hoping I can help my ex....it's your life, all I know is the entanglement crept up on me just like alcoholism did....please forgive me if I'm being presumptious, but I can almost FEEL the sense of responsibility looming over you....take good care of you.
Martin
I'm STILL trying to detach with love....if you've a compassionate bone in your body it's hell to watch someone you love or care for struggle with addiction of any kind and it creates a madness all of its own....every bit as damaging mentally if not physically, imho....I've stopped drinking and that was easier than letting go of hoping I can help my ex....it's your life, all I know is the entanglement crept up on me just like alcoholism did....please forgive me if I'm being presumptious, but I can almost FEEL the sense of responsibility looming over you....take good care of you.
Martin
I am a thousand miles away from the situation now. Literally and figuratively. This is her fight and I can't do it for her. I am not sure she is ready to get sober or even thinks that she needs to. When she hits her bottom I will be a phone call away. I won't however be visiting anytime soon. So as for the responsibility looming over me....I don't see it. Why on earth would I feel responsible for her addiction? I feel empathy but that's it. I was only emotional about it after just leaving there and after a phone call but I am alright now. I am only worrying about my own sobriety as it should be.
Good for you. I didn't say you were responsible or felt responsible, I was trying to say that as someone who's been in that family context I could see a situation emerging - looming - in which someone, anyone starts to feel responsible for making things better, whether for the addict or the other members of the family....been there, done that and maybe I was afraid you might fall into that trap because I was projecting my own stuff onto you. I'm glad you're much clearer about the issues than I was.
Take care,
Martin.
Take care,
Martin.
No worries Martin. I had a feeling that was where you were going with that. Your self professed codie issues were emerging in that last post. While there I did have a sense of wanting to fix things but I knew it would be futile so that is why I left. Thanks for the concern.
Have a good evening.
Have a good evening.
