Hey all...
At this minute.. i am just having one of them moments where i'm feeling really down about myself.. i just got back with my bf after we broke up because of his addiction.. i feel so angry about myself and i really regret it.. i wish i hadn't but it's so hard to live without his love, i need him. I often think to myself if i am unable to walk away from my bf, how will my bf be able to walk away from heroin? My bf is what i would call my choice of drugs... my own addiction. I know that there will be a day where i have to let go.. but i don't want too.. it feels so wrong if we're apart but i keep telling myself that the longer i let this hell drag on for.. the harder it will be for me to let go later on. I'm stuck... there's no easy way out for me.. because no matter what.. i loose both ways. I feel so much anger and frustration inside me.. my heart bleeds.. Life has been so unfair to me and i just can't understand why and to this, it has corrupted me. He is the closest to what i see is my ideal bf, very loving and caring but i know that if my bf wasn't an addict he'll treat me better and it'll make a big difference to our relationship and to what kind of person he is. I know that i must let go but it's so hard to find the strength to endure the pain of my loss but i believe that one day if i try hard enough to push myself and focus, i will be able to overcome this battle and to save myself.
Thanks for reading.. i just needed to vent..
hi my name is angel and im going through what you are.the only difference is i threw my husband out 3 weeks ago. i love him to death and i love who he is but i dont love the addict that hes become. i gave him a chance to get it together and well he is using again. ive known but i waited till everything came out the well i let him go. i realized that i needed to put my foot down at some point because if you dont they think that you think its ok.well i dont i dont like it one bit.i feel guilty alot but i know i did right.i am not on drugs and well when you start feeling like your on them then something aint right.arent you tired of feelin crazy? well its up to you what to do i completly understand how you feel.i feel for you i know every emotion that you have.it hurts cause you want so bad for it to work but you know it cant with the drug. i have a little boy that cries everyday for his daddy cause hes gone and at one time he was daddy it kills me and hurts so bad but hey what can i do let him back only to hurt us again ? you gotta do whats best for you and you do truly know what that is dont you? well i hope i helped a little
Hey angel..
Thanks for the reply.. you say that i must do what i think is best for me.. the only thing is.. i don't care what's best for me.. i only care what's best for him. Everytime i think to let go.. i always hestiate because i feel so selfish. Why? Because i know that when it comes down to it, i am walking away because it's too painful for me to see him as an addict and to that it's just me thinking about my feelings... what about his? Who will be there to keep him happy if i'm gone? Who will take care of him and give him the love that he deserves? I know that if i walk away from him.. he won't have anyone else who will care enough for him.. he'll be alone, so will i and i don't want that.. I don't want him to be alone.. i know that he needs me just as much as i need him, he's all that i've got, our hearts are bound together. Yes, i am very sick of what it's doing to me inside, i can never stop thinking about it, with or without him, it drives me insane! But living without him makes me miss him and that gives me the same insane feeling.. so what am i suppose to do? My mind is clouded with negative thoughts either way... it's so hard.
Thanks for the reply.. you say that i must do what i think is best for me.. the only thing is.. i don't care what's best for me.. i only care what's best for him. Everytime i think to let go.. i always hestiate because i feel so selfish. Why? Because i know that when it comes down to it, i am walking away because it's too painful for me to see him as an addict and to that it's just me thinking about my feelings... what about his? Who will be there to keep him happy if i'm gone? Who will take care of him and give him the love that he deserves? I know that if i walk away from him.. he won't have anyone else who will care enough for him.. he'll be alone, so will i and i don't want that.. I don't want him to be alone.. i know that he needs me just as much as i need him, he's all that i've got, our hearts are bound together. Yes, i am very sick of what it's doing to me inside, i can never stop thinking about it, with or without him, it drives me insane! But living without him makes me miss him and that gives me the same insane feeling.. so what am i suppose to do? My mind is clouded with negative thoughts either way... it's so hard.
Hi Violet
Perhaps if you did let go and walk away from this madness it might motivate him to seek recovery. He needs to see the consequences of his drugging and by staying with him he will never make an serious attempt to sobriety. I know this sounds hard but it is time you become selfish and live for you and not him. I kicked my addict out and will love him from a distance it is battle to fight not mine and therefore let him go, if its meant to be he will come back clean.
If you love someone set him free if he comes back it's meant to be. I feel your pain been there. It's 4 weeks now and I think to him less and less as I have detached.
Rose
Perhaps if you did let go and walk away from this madness it might motivate him to seek recovery. He needs to see the consequences of his drugging and by staying with him he will never make an serious attempt to sobriety. I know this sounds hard but it is time you become selfish and live for you and not him. I kicked my addict out and will love him from a distance it is battle to fight not mine and therefore let him go, if its meant to be he will come back clean.
If you love someone set him free if he comes back it's meant to be. I feel your pain been there. It's 4 weeks now and I think to him less and less as I have detached.
Rose
Hey Rose,
I have tried walking away from him and during that time he did say it motivated him to be clean only thing is.. one night i turned up at his place and asked him to be completely honest with me. I asked him if had been clean.. you know what he told me? He said that he had been clean but then both used and was on subutex at the same time. I told him that by him doing that.. he's not going to make it, it was either using or just taking the pills..
It's hopeless.. it doesn't matter if i'm not with him or not.. either way he's not going to come clean.. fukn hell... this it's killing me so bad.
I have tried walking away from him and during that time he did say it motivated him to be clean only thing is.. one night i turned up at his place and asked him to be completely honest with me. I asked him if had been clean.. you know what he told me? He said that he had been clean but then both used and was on subutex at the same time. I told him that by him doing that.. he's not going to make it, it was either using or just taking the pills..
It's hopeless.. it doesn't matter if i'm not with him or not.. either way he's not going to come clean.. fukn hell... this it's killing me so bad.
Hey, I am new to this. I also recently found out that my fiance is using heroin. We are getting married this month and he has been clean for a month now. I stood by him through all of this and his family and mine supported him in everyway. The only thing that everybody is hoping for is that he doesn't have a relapse. If he does, I really don't know what I will do. I love him so much and I made a promise to him that I will stick by him through thick and thin. Thats the reason we getting married ,coz we love each other and we belong together. He is doing very good and only seems to have mood swings every now and then,but that I can handle. Hearing your stories, it seems to all have a negative outcome. All I can do is hope and pray and really show him that I believe in him,that is all he is asking of me and that is what I'll give him. I am not gonna leave him through this bad time,coz now is the time that he needs me the most. If I should leave him now, He would definitely go back to using and I will not see him throw his life away. He is the most wonderful,outgoing, sensitive and truly caring man I have ever known,and I love him with all my heart! Its sad to see that heroine got hold of him. He really deserves to be happy at this time. There is exactly twenty more days to go before the wedding and I hope everything goes well for the two of us. I just like to share my story with you guys,coz you seem to be the only people who would know what I am going through at the moment. Thanks for reading my story. I just had to get it all out. I feel much better now. Hope everything of thebest for all of you.I will be thinking of you every day.
Hi
Bottom line, you have to walk away if he's using cos while he's using do you think he really gives a toss about you?? of course he doesnt cos if he did he wouldnt use!!!
Walk away and if he really loves you and if it's really meant to be then he will come back to you klean, you know the old saying, if you really love someone then let them go free!!
Bottom line, you have to walk away if he's using cos while he's using do you think he really gives a toss about you?? of course he doesnt cos if he did he wouldnt use!!!
Walk away and if he really loves you and if it's really meant to be then he will come back to you klean, you know the old saying, if you really love someone then let them go free!!
Hi Violet.
You and I were in the same boat, however, my boyfriend has really changed and I think it has to do with one of 2 things.
1) I gave him an ultimatum, and said that if he didn't quit I was leaving him. Plain and Simple.
2) He really WANTS to give up this time.
It's been 10 days and he's only had his subutex. Now he's even off them as he says he doesn't need them.
He's told me a lot of things about how he's been feeling and I now know that he really does love me and doesn't want to let me go.
This is the 3rd cluck he's done since we've been together Violet, I have told him I am not prepared to do it again. He is doing so well though. He's been eating, sleeping, cuddling me with so much PROPER love. AND HIS EYES ARE HUGE ALL THE TIME!!!!
I will tell you one thing - we went out drinking on Saturday night and both got quite drunk. I went to the loo and when I came back, he said "I'm so sorry babe but I can'tstop thinking about the gear, It's the first time since I stopped can we go home?" I said of course and when we did get home he was fine.
He said he was planning how to blag a taxi over to score and I said "Well you know if you did I wouldn't be there when you got home" He said that's the only reason he didn't.
I really don't think your Boyf wants it. PLUS you've left him once - if that's not enough to make him stop.... think about it.
Petal x
You and I were in the same boat, however, my boyfriend has really changed and I think it has to do with one of 2 things.
1) I gave him an ultimatum, and said that if he didn't quit I was leaving him. Plain and Simple.
2) He really WANTS to give up this time.
It's been 10 days and he's only had his subutex. Now he's even off them as he says he doesn't need them.
He's told me a lot of things about how he's been feeling and I now know that he really does love me and doesn't want to let me go.
This is the 3rd cluck he's done since we've been together Violet, I have told him I am not prepared to do it again. He is doing so well though. He's been eating, sleeping, cuddling me with so much PROPER love. AND HIS EYES ARE HUGE ALL THE TIME!!!!
I will tell you one thing - we went out drinking on Saturday night and both got quite drunk. I went to the loo and when I came back, he said "I'm so sorry babe but I can'tstop thinking about the gear, It's the first time since I stopped can we go home?" I said of course and when we did get home he was fine.
He said he was planning how to blag a taxi over to score and I said "Well you know if you did I wouldn't be there when you got home" He said that's the only reason he didn't.
I really don't think your Boyf wants it. PLUS you've left him once - if that's not enough to make him stop.... think about it.
Petal x
Violet....get a grip! He's an addict and you are his co-dependent. You are vivacious and intelligent. Make a difference! You cannot help him, but you can help yourself. Do it and have a life that is your own. Your happiness is not dependent upon his. Love you, and let go.
Vivian
Vivian
Violet,
I am going through the same hard time that you are with my fiance. We have been together for 5 years... he was recently clean when we got together. I said I wouldn't date him unless he was. He has relapsed quite a few times over the years, but recently he has a lot. I don't know what to do. I can't stand the lying and the stealing and him going behind my back. Through all of this I learned that no matter what you do to keep him clean, it won't do anything unless he wants it for himself, and even then, you can't stop him from getting high. I completely understand that it is hard for you to walk away from him. That is the co-dependent part of us. I had a son before I met him and since we have been together we had two more sons. I am scared for my kids even though they are too young to understand. I feel like I would be hurting my kids if I left their daddy... I am torn between what is right. I keep having faith that he would be able to stay clean. I know heroin is a hard drug to stay off of, and I comend him for doing it this well all along, but it seems like a never ending battle. I didn't know what I was getting into when I got with him. Call me ignorant, but I didn't know what all it meant to be a heroin addict at the time, now that I know, I wish I would have never gotten involved with him. It is too late now, because he is the love of my life! Sorry I can't really give you any answers, since I am struggling right now too, but it is nice to talk to someone that is going through the same thing.
I am going through the same hard time that you are with my fiance. We have been together for 5 years... he was recently clean when we got together. I said I wouldn't date him unless he was. He has relapsed quite a few times over the years, but recently he has a lot. I don't know what to do. I can't stand the lying and the stealing and him going behind my back. Through all of this I learned that no matter what you do to keep him clean, it won't do anything unless he wants it for himself, and even then, you can't stop him from getting high. I completely understand that it is hard for you to walk away from him. That is the co-dependent part of us. I had a son before I met him and since we have been together we had two more sons. I am scared for my kids even though they are too young to understand. I feel like I would be hurting my kids if I left their daddy... I am torn between what is right. I keep having faith that he would be able to stay clean. I know heroin is a hard drug to stay off of, and I comend him for doing it this well all along, but it seems like a never ending battle. I didn't know what I was getting into when I got with him. Call me ignorant, but I didn't know what all it meant to be a heroin addict at the time, now that I know, I wish I would have never gotten involved with him. It is too late now, because he is the love of my life! Sorry I can't really give you any answers, since I am struggling right now too, but it is nice to talk to someone that is going through the same thing.
Forgot to put my name on the above post.
I am Jennifer
I am Jennifer
hey hope everyone's okish, i can relate to what all of you are saying, but in a slightly different way. my b/f and i were using up until 6 months ago, and although im clean ive known he's been injecting his subutex, doing coke and crack and probably doing a lot more things that i dont know about. what really kills me tho is the fact that he has taken money from me, and whenever i confront im about it all he manages to make ME feel like im the one doing something wrong. i have also found court summons from 3 weeks ago saying he had to appear in court due to non payment of fines, which was a major shock in itself, and then, there was a record of what he'd paid and what he still owed, and of about 50 i gave him to go and get it paid (in installments) he had only given them a fiver. so what he's been spending MY money on i dread to think. i havent told him i know about the court thing, b/c i dont want to have a huge row, not make up and the same night he get arrested, with both of us feeling like we're not loved or wanted. if he does get nicked there's about a 75% chance that he'll get sent down as he's out on licence, and that would mean that he will have another year or so to do in prison, and he wouldnt be there for the birth of our first baby or anything. it's f***ing hard to deal with, and i feel for all of you going through the dishonesty, the lies, the sneaking about - on his part; and then actually thinking that maybe YOU'VE got it wrong, that you're just being over paranoid, but you know in your heart of hearts that you're right. too right in fact, and it is so soul destroying to go on the rollercoaster of living woth a loved one who has an addictive personality. but eventually, i hope, we will get through it. we may have to do things we dont like, either leaving them or putting up with it and watch them destroy themselves right in front of our eyes, and it is such a hard thing to do, as are most things in life. but i think that if you love them that much you have to be cruel to be kind, and i think that maybe the saying about setting them free and if they come back it was meant to be, is right, surely if they love us that much , they will get it sorted. and if they dont, perhaps they're not worth the bother. sorry for rambling and not making much sense, i've got things to say but they never come out right! i just hope everyone can find the strength to do what they feel is TRULY best. i know im going to give it some serious thought. take care, never underestimate the power of your soul. xxx
I ran into this site tonight because once again I can't sleep because I'm up thinking about everything... all your stories sound so familiar ...I don't know anyone in my situation and I really just need to vent and get some feed back from someone in my shoes...soo...here goes...
My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, when I met him I knew that he had experimented with drugs in his past, he told me that was all behind him and I believed him. He's such an amazing guy and the first guy that I was able to trust in a long time. He's my soul mate, my other half...about 5 months away from it being our 2 year anniversary he started getting really weird. Not being where he said he would, he got fired from his job, he seemed really depressed all the time. I knew what was going on, I didn't want to acknowledge it though. I asked him he was thinking about going back to drugs...he said no. then for about a week while he was living with his sister he disappeared, she called me asking if i had seen or talked to him and that he was using again...that he had been for about 2 months now and he stole some things from her, his friend he was staying with before, and later on i noticed he had stolen from me too. I told him I didn't care and I would stick with him through anything... whatever i could do I'd do it. so he went to a rehab center and after about a week they told him he was fine and made him leave (since it was state funded he had to go when they said). when the fall semester started we both went back to school and he was doing fine...i thought. About a month into classes I decided to break up with him...I needed some space to figure things out and i thought it might do him some good too. we talked on and off but he ended up back in rehab. apparently he got to a half way house got kicked out of there then ,moved in with his g/f (who was also getting clean) stole from her and ran away, he later reutrned everything and is back in rehab (theyre no longer together).
I hurt so bad i can't even explain....its like someone reacing inside my chest and and collapsing my lungs and killing my heart everytime i think about him. I feel so conflicted...I know he's my one...i don't want anyone else and I'm afraid to try....I'm also afraid to be with him. I don't know what to do.... God i can't even explain what im going through ...it all just comes out sounding like s***...please if you have anything to say...thanx
My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, when I met him I knew that he had experimented with drugs in his past, he told me that was all behind him and I believed him. He's such an amazing guy and the first guy that I was able to trust in a long time. He's my soul mate, my other half...about 5 months away from it being our 2 year anniversary he started getting really weird. Not being where he said he would, he got fired from his job, he seemed really depressed all the time. I knew what was going on, I didn't want to acknowledge it though. I asked him he was thinking about going back to drugs...he said no. then for about a week while he was living with his sister he disappeared, she called me asking if i had seen or talked to him and that he was using again...that he had been for about 2 months now and he stole some things from her, his friend he was staying with before, and later on i noticed he had stolen from me too. I told him I didn't care and I would stick with him through anything... whatever i could do I'd do it. so he went to a rehab center and after about a week they told him he was fine and made him leave (since it was state funded he had to go when they said). when the fall semester started we both went back to school and he was doing fine...i thought. About a month into classes I decided to break up with him...I needed some space to figure things out and i thought it might do him some good too. we talked on and off but he ended up back in rehab. apparently he got to a half way house got kicked out of there then ,moved in with his g/f (who was also getting clean) stole from her and ran away, he later reutrned everything and is back in rehab (theyre no longer together).
I hurt so bad i can't even explain....its like someone reacing inside my chest and and collapsing my lungs and killing my heart everytime i think about him. I feel so conflicted...I know he's my one...i don't want anyone else and I'm afraid to try....I'm also afraid to be with him. I don't know what to do.... God i can't even explain what im going through ...it all just comes out sounding like s***...please if you have anything to say...thanx
to Ams...you'll be told many different things. and some of them may be relevant to your situation and some may seem very differant. but the one thing you must think of first and foremost is what's best for you and your unborn child. i do not question how much you love this guy. i'm sure you love him very much. but it's funny how addiction makes us look at love. when we love someone that is going through an addiction, we slowly convince ourselves that that person cannot and will not survive without us. that only with our help will they be able to make it. sadly, this is not true. the one thing that you'll read over and over simply because it's true is that these people will never recover until they're completely ready to. and it seems as though your guy just isn't in that state of mind yet. for him to steal the money that you gave him to pay off court fines says two things: 1)he's not too worried about getting in legal troubles and 2) he certainly doesn't have much of a problem stealing from you. now this is not to say he doesn't care about you. i've stolen from my own mother before, but at the time i didn't care very much about myself..much less my mom. which i guess is what i'm trying to get at here. until your guy can get to apoint where he can start caring about himself again, he won't be able to care for you and your child properly. especially with an unstable recovery and legal problems looming over his head..this is all too much for you to take on your shoulders yourself. he must become responsible for himself and his actions. until he does, he can't love you properly..which doesn't allow you to love him properly. think about it this way. if he could wipe away his legal problems..and get completely clean, would you guys be back together and both happy? wait and see.........good luck!
oh dear..above, i seem to of combined a reply to the last two people's posts...sorry ladies....hope you each get something out of it.
hey Scarlette
It's ok...thanks for your thoughts...and yes I know I cant do anything really to help him except support him, when he wants it...everytime i start thinking "maybe it wouldnt have been like this, maybe he wouldnt have gotten back on drugs if i could have been there more" I have to stop and be like...this is his battle...I can't and SHOULDN"T fight it for him, it's not fare to him or me. Thanks for the encouragement.
The other thing is...I want so badly to have a relationship with him when he is doing better...however, I also know that this is going to be a life long thing that he will struggle with...it's in his personality and no matter how long he's "clean" for it's still there...and something...anything could bring it out. I have to think about what if we did get married like we had talked about...what if we have a child and he slips into it again...he takes things we have and sells it to get money...quits his job...what then. I also dont think its fare to either of us for me to be constantly waiting or on my toes for him to relapse...life shouldn't be like that. However....I love him...he's the one so....
Please if anyone has any input let me know...thanks
It's ok...thanks for your thoughts...and yes I know I cant do anything really to help him except support him, when he wants it...everytime i start thinking "maybe it wouldnt have been like this, maybe he wouldnt have gotten back on drugs if i could have been there more" I have to stop and be like...this is his battle...I can't and SHOULDN"T fight it for him, it's not fare to him or me. Thanks for the encouragement.
The other thing is...I want so badly to have a relationship with him when he is doing better...however, I also know that this is going to be a life long thing that he will struggle with...it's in his personality and no matter how long he's "clean" for it's still there...and something...anything could bring it out. I have to think about what if we did get married like we had talked about...what if we have a child and he slips into it again...he takes things we have and sells it to get money...quits his job...what then. I also dont think its fare to either of us for me to be constantly waiting or on my toes for him to relapse...life shouldn't be like that. However....I love him...he's the one so....
Please if anyone has any input let me know...thanks
Hey ams
It would be good if you could post your story on a new post instead of combinding it with mine.. kinda makes me and others confused about who they are responding too
If you'd like your own replies from others, would really appreciate it if you posted it on a separate post, just click the new post button..
No hard feelings k, just letting you know
Good luck with everything on your side of things though.. i know you're pretty much going through the same living hell
thanks..
violet
It would be good if you could post your story on a new post instead of combinding it with mine.. kinda makes me and others confused about who they are responding too
If you'd like your own replies from others, would really appreciate it if you posted it on a separate post, just click the new post button..
No hard feelings k, just letting you know
Good luck with everything on your side of things though.. i know you're pretty much going through the same living hell
thanks..
violet
Ok Violet - no need to be so rude! She's only just come on here.
God!
God!
rude ?
i was actually trying to guide her.. stating it in good terms.. wasn't meant to sound rude if you thought so.
gees.. now we're really getting off topic here!
i was actually trying to guide her.. stating it in good terms.. wasn't meant to sound rude if you thought so.
gees.. now we're really getting off topic here!
hey violet, just wanted to say that i seem to feel the same way. it really sucks. i don't really have any advice except do what you feel is right (we all know what is right for us whether or not we want to admit it). i was just thinking... isn't it weird how everyone tells other people to leave their heroin addict boyfriends but they can't leave theirs? i could tell you to leave him, that would seem like the best advice, but i can't even leave my own boyfriend... just thought it was weird how this sht works. i wish you happiniess in whichever path you choose.
