My Dear Sweet Addiction

Pain Pills
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Hey everyone,

Posted this on methamphetamines forum but not many people read it there and I think people with other addictions may relate too. Hope thats ok??

..............................

I have been fairly questioned as to whether I truly want recovery, and to be totally honest, I really don't know the answer. I've asked myself the same question many times and there are times I feel like I want it more then anything, but there are just as many times where I feel like recovery is a dirty word that will take away all that is good in my life. I wrote this poem cause I really don't have an answer.


My Dear Sweet Addiction

I stare vacantly into nowhere
A hollow heart tearing at a hollow soul
Im blinded by the blackness
Of that which once was, true and whole

I reach for my phone
Then sob when I realize I have no-one to call
I cry alone
No arms to catch me as I fall

I dont know who I am anymore
I dont even remember where Ive been
Your high is what I long for
To escape from all this reality

Such little comfort
For such a little time
But too scared without you
Youre the only thing thats truly mine

I embrace you
Then I try to push you far away
Two powers fighting
I need for you to stay

Go away.
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Charmed i was deeply touched by that hun jackie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thanks Jackie!!
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Charmed,do you want to go thru the rest of your live feeling like this. Theere is help for you if you reach out for it. Why not find a recovery program. this will benefit you and give u the tools you need to get clean and stay clean. I can't believe someone who seems intelligent wouldn't pout in as much time trying to find ways to get clean as they do getting drugs. It seems like you want us to pity you here. Is that it, sorry but you need some tough love, not pity.


m
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Unsunghero,

I think you are quite wrong, pity is not what I am wanting. I'm not asking for advice either cause I know all the things I can and can't do to gain recovery. I like to write about how I feel and I like to share my writing because I think there are people who can relate to it and i think it helps people who do not understand addiction to see how it is from the other side. I haven't seen you post before unsunghero, tell us about yourself, why are you here? Did you use a program for recovery? I'd be interested in hearing a bit about you and where your coming from with the pity angle?

charmed 1
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Charmd sometimes hun its the writing of things down and re-reading it that helps us in life to make the right choices you keep posting hun jackie xxxx
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I can relate to you charm. I work at recovery but at times I am just going through the motion wishing for a drink or to be able to go back out. Sometimes I miss my old life. Then I have to ask myself, does that mean I don't want recovery? I don't know. The ambivalence of addiction can drive a person batty. We tend to be lonely people too and our drug of choice was our comfort, a freind if you will. Poor substitute for the warmth of another human being or the sound of a voice sharing and caring.
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Thanks for your support Jackie and i agree. writing is my outlet. some people have art or music, this is my outlet.
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Thanks June I'm glad you understand. Being sober feels like growing up and being high is so enjoyable.

Thanks for your kinds words
hugs
Charmed 1
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I just don't like the heavy price indulging in my drug of choice always costs me so that is the ultimate reason I don't use today. It is the afterwards, the blackouts that scare the hell out of me, the loss of money better used elsewhere, how physically sick I feel and extemely depressed and the damn feeling that I need more.
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Hi Charmed....loved your poem. Thanks for sharing that...Bless you.
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We need to understand our darkness in order to reach to the light june your so right hun jackie xxxxxxxxxx
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Charmed - Thanks for sharing that with us. I love your writing.

To Unsung Hero - Are you an addict? Are you in recovery? Please, share your story with us. There are alot of people here willing to help. Or maybe you could be of some help to someone else. Thanks. Hope you will keep posting.

Love,
Marie
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Thanks so much Marie and Betsy, your kind words really mean a lot to me.

Junem i know what you mean about the cravings for more, once I start I don't want to stop and the cravings are so much stronger after a single use comparerd to no use at all. That, a long with the financial cost, is definately a pitful to not being sober.

Best wishes to all
Charmed 1
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Unsunghero,
Hey man...chill out on charmed...I was touched by what she wrote...I dont think you fully understand how people can feel when a drug has got a hold of them....its a love hate relationship...you make a solution sound so simple...so clinical...I dont think you truelly understand....do you?....why not tell us where your coming from....I think that most people on here are very genuine....please show us that you are...do you really care, or do you just want to make people feel inadequete...if so...well thats pretty arrogant and nasty....I really hope Im wrong....show me I am
Mike
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charmed,I just wanted to say wow ...that poem is truly beautiful,you have hit the nail on the head for many of my feelings.Thankyoiu for that.-Jenna
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You're a good writer, charmed. Thanks. I think its ok to acknowledge that we still want to use even though we're clean -- I mean, who doesn't want to feel pleasure, energy, etc.? But the cost is too high. And as other posters mentioned, the need is insatiable -- I'll always want more, and I'll do virtually anything -- lie, cheat, steal, risk professional suicide -- to continue to get more. Chasing the dragon. M.
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Charmed recovery will give you the things in life that are good the same things that are in front of you right now that your either not seeing or taking for granted.
U-hero has given you the best suggestion on this thread.
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Dear Charmed_1,

Your wonderful and heartfelt poem went straight to my heart. The profound words show the difficult situation that you are going through.

Whether your question will be answered today, tomorrow, or weeks from now is something that only time can answer.

However, until that time comes and, of course, following the answer to your own question, I'll be here to help you in anyway possible. We all will.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Charmed_1.

Ben
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HI unsung hero" ARE u new to this post or have u been here before under a differnt name forgive me but i have not been on much yesterday or today but i have a famiilier feeling about your postings no problum" i was just curious.