Thank you all so much for all the advice. there was a lot of truth in what everyone had to say. On reading it all I have come to a decision. I have not been in contact with my sponsor since reading the posts but it doesn't make any difference because I have made my mind up on what i am going to do for now. At least for the next 24 hours. I will stay with the program but I need more time before I can do the 4th step.I am just not ready yet. who knows maybe I'll be ready tomorrow or next week or next month. I didn't plan on giving up drinking the day I did.It was just something that happened.That morning I had no intention of giving it up but before the day was half over I had contacted AA.. so one never knows what will transpire. I had a long talk with my daughter and she had agreed that I can tell some of my story to you guys so you will have a better understanding of who I am and why I am so full of anger and why I have so much trust issues about disclosing things about myself to another person.My youngest daughter from the age of 15 up to now and shes 20 now have had anxiety depression,panic attacks you name it she had it.In and out of hosptials.Havent been able to finish her education at college or work anymore than part time..Anyone who have ever dealt with depression know the devastating effects it can have. The last 5 years have been an uphill battle for us. It was only 10 months ago that it was made known to us the root of all her problems. At the age of 15 just 3 weeks into her 15th year she was raped. To make a bad situation worse it was by a family member on my husbands side of the family. I always drank under stressful situations but that put me into a downward spiral of the bottomless pit that only alcohol can bring. My daughter was treated with paxil,antivan and sleeping pills. In less than a year she became addicted to these drugs and double doctored to get more and more of the antivan. I will shorten my story to say she is now currently in reab and going through a very hard time. Even though this rape happened 5 years ago HE is been charged and the first court date is set for March. As you can imagine this also put a strain on my marriage and my drinking only complicated matters more. Always a drinker and knew for years that I was never a "normal" drinker I went out of control really fast when faced with having to deal with this ugly situation. I became a very angry drunk. I have experienced fits of rages and tantrums while under the influence to the point where I have screamed and broke things and just got completely out of control. My husband was considering putting me in an institution if things continued the way they were.I couldn't take the horror of what happened to my baby and to know she suffered silently for almost 5 years,afraid to tell because where he was a trusted family member she was afraid no one would believe her and if she was believed what it would do the family. I can assure you ALL the family is affected by this.Am I angry you darn right I am.Anger of the primitive kind. I drank to get away from the pain it was just too much too bear.the more I drank the more I needed it where I had to have it just to get through a day.. In these drunken days I did things I am not proud of and I am sure I did things I can't remember. My daughter is very supportive of me and I am supportive of her. I come to visit her whenever I can and it seems when we are together both of us can cope better. We have been through HELL there is no other way to describe it. However she tells me she is a lot more at ease now that I have given up drinking and that she has a sober mom to support her. For those of you who have children you can only imagine the pain to have something so horrible as to have your child violated like that. We have a long way to go to recovery . I have been told to pray for this man . I tried I really did .I do ask God to take away my anger and my resentment .( I can do that prayer ),but to pray for him I tried and I forced the words out of my mouth but they did not come from the heart and I have not done it since. So as you can see I have a lot to deal with. But I am not alone and I have improved greatly in the 6 weeks I've been sober. I appreciate what all of you have done for me and I consider you my friends. you are always here to help me ,guide me and share your strength. I can trust on this board that what I get are honest replies from the heart. Thank you for help carrying me through for you have made my load lighter and my days brighter. sorry this post is so long so I thank you for your time to read it. God bless and be safe
Wow Pirate,
Thank you for sharing your story. Quite courageous of you. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Slow down, breathe and believe! :-)
Thank you for sharing your story. Quite courageous of you. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Slow down, breathe and believe! :-)
Gidday Pirate
I am an alcoholic and i have been abused in my younger years, my dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alky (edited to say he is in recovery as well), my sister was raped by a family member and my mum went to her grave blaming herself for all of this....I understand fear:)
Your recovery is yours and use whatever you need to stay sober, listen for the good and biff the rest, sometimes i biff some good bits out in my recovery but only hindsight allows me to see this....and staying sober allows me to alter this.
Why am i babbling well all i ask is stay focussed and sober, because as drunks we only add to others problems as we drink to forget ours, Im not saying you are going to drink but i know for me that when i am really angry then drinking is really busy in my mind and my anger is filled with fear in the background because usually the best defence of fear for me is anger.
Be strong for your daughter because court cases Fing suck...a so called friend of my wifes killed another good friend of ours over a break up and the court case was awfull for everyone and at the time i was drinking so i made it harder for my wife not by being a bother at the court but just because i was drinking
I may be way off track with my post as i am allowing my fear for another alky too overide my thinking.....hand over your anger to God and turn some of that fear, and anger into a resolve that your Daughter will not have to face the future alone.
All the best and love and energy to you and your daughter, start to trust in each other and the rest will follow
light and love zac
I am an alcoholic and i have been abused in my younger years, my dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alky (edited to say he is in recovery as well), my sister was raped by a family member and my mum went to her grave blaming herself for all of this....I understand fear:)
Your recovery is yours and use whatever you need to stay sober, listen for the good and biff the rest, sometimes i biff some good bits out in my recovery but only hindsight allows me to see this....and staying sober allows me to alter this.
Why am i babbling well all i ask is stay focussed and sober, because as drunks we only add to others problems as we drink to forget ours, Im not saying you are going to drink but i know for me that when i am really angry then drinking is really busy in my mind and my anger is filled with fear in the background because usually the best defence of fear for me is anger.
Be strong for your daughter because court cases Fing suck...a so called friend of my wifes killed another good friend of ours over a break up and the court case was awfull for everyone and at the time i was drinking so i made it harder for my wife not by being a bother at the court but just because i was drinking
I may be way off track with my post as i am allowing my fear for another alky too overide my thinking.....hand over your anger to God and turn some of that fear, and anger into a resolve that your Daughter will not have to face the future alone.
All the best and love and energy to you and your daughter, start to trust in each other and the rest will follow
light and love zac
Hey Pirate
Thanks for sharing that. I really don't want to comment on such intense personal pain except to say I will put your family into a healing meditation that I like to do. That may send some healing energy your way.
Pirate - you obviously have a lot on your plate. Slow down, relax - 6 weeks (while huge in one respect) is also tiny in terms of your life. You are just beginning this journey. Take your time. Now more than ever do you need to do one day at a time to get through these personal issues with your family.
You have a lot of healing to do, and its going to take time - unfortunately there's no way round that.
take care of yourself, and your sobriety Pirate.
Idgie
Thanks for sharing that. I really don't want to comment on such intense personal pain except to say I will put your family into a healing meditation that I like to do. That may send some healing energy your way.
Pirate - you obviously have a lot on your plate. Slow down, relax - 6 weeks (while huge in one respect) is also tiny in terms of your life. You are just beginning this journey. Take your time. Now more than ever do you need to do one day at a time to get through these personal issues with your family.
You have a lot of healing to do, and its going to take time - unfortunately there's no way round that.
take care of yourself, and your sobriety Pirate.
Idgie
It's so wrong that anyone should have such horrible experiences. I know that's a stupid thing to say because people do have them and no-one said the world would always be nice, but it's so wrong that such things should happen and I have no idea how I'd handle them. I doubt if anyone would "handle" them. What the heck would that look like?
From what you've written here and elsewhere pirate you really appreciate what sobriety is bringing you and you're aware that the stress of the approaching trial is unpleasant. It sounds to me - and I'm no-one, remember - as if you're doing really well at looking after yourself, thinking things through, staying in touch with your feelings and not letting them run your decisions without reflecting on them, and using people as a sounding board before you make your decision about how to proceed....It sounds like a good process likely to lead to a mature judgement and I really admire you for that. That's the most anyone can do. No one ever knows in advance what the "right" decision is, but I know that when I'm balanced and thoughtful and quiet I can often these days feel inside whether I'm about to make the best choice I'm capable of at the time. And when I'm not those things I make crap choices.
Your recent choices have brought you sobriety and the ability to support the people you love. I hope you continue to do what is so obviously working for you. You say that you intend to stay in the programme "for another 24 hours". I was wondering if this is a reference to "one day at a time" or whether you feel the choice facing you is to do the 4th step now or quit AA. I don't mean to be nosey but do you want to say which it is? The AA groups and sponsors I know are encouraging and will say what worked for them but they try not to pressurise other people like that and I don't think anyone here has either. Please remember, the only requirement for membership of AA is a DESIRE to stop drinking. You don't even have to have stopped....let alone take a particular step....you HAVE stopped, and already you clearly feel the benefits........as for the future well as always, only you can make the decisions that shape your life......so which you is in the driving seat? Which life do you want? If fear is driving you than now might be a very good time to ask your Higher Power for help. If you feel your are making choices with that wonderful, shining part of you that wants a sober, happy, loved filled life I reckon you're in good hands.....and it never hurts to ask your Higher Power for help so do it anyway!
I think you're doing brililantly and I wish you wise and loving choices.
From what you've written here and elsewhere pirate you really appreciate what sobriety is bringing you and you're aware that the stress of the approaching trial is unpleasant. It sounds to me - and I'm no-one, remember - as if you're doing really well at looking after yourself, thinking things through, staying in touch with your feelings and not letting them run your decisions without reflecting on them, and using people as a sounding board before you make your decision about how to proceed....It sounds like a good process likely to lead to a mature judgement and I really admire you for that. That's the most anyone can do. No one ever knows in advance what the "right" decision is, but I know that when I'm balanced and thoughtful and quiet I can often these days feel inside whether I'm about to make the best choice I'm capable of at the time. And when I'm not those things I make crap choices.
Your recent choices have brought you sobriety and the ability to support the people you love. I hope you continue to do what is so obviously working for you. You say that you intend to stay in the programme "for another 24 hours". I was wondering if this is a reference to "one day at a time" or whether you feel the choice facing you is to do the 4th step now or quit AA. I don't mean to be nosey but do you want to say which it is? The AA groups and sponsors I know are encouraging and will say what worked for them but they try not to pressurise other people like that and I don't think anyone here has either. Please remember, the only requirement for membership of AA is a DESIRE to stop drinking. You don't even have to have stopped....let alone take a particular step....you HAVE stopped, and already you clearly feel the benefits........as for the future well as always, only you can make the decisions that shape your life......so which you is in the driving seat? Which life do you want? If fear is driving you than now might be a very good time to ask your Higher Power for help. If you feel your are making choices with that wonderful, shining part of you that wants a sober, happy, loved filled life I reckon you're in good hands.....and it never hurts to ask your Higher Power for help so do it anyway!
I think you're doing brililantly and I wish you wise and loving choices.
Thank you guys for your kind words and understanding.I find it all so helpful. It is good to be able to share with you guys. I feel a load has been lifted from me just by telling you because I keep it all inside most of the time. thank you idgie for thinking of me and I hope you can send some strength our way.Zac I feel for you and what you have been through.I am exactly the same as you in the fact that I use anger to cover up fear and anger is the one thing that makes me want to pick up that bottle. I will NOT drink and as skg says I will Not drink even if my a...s falls off. Few simple words but I think of them often and believe it or not there have been times when I have gotten strength from these words. so goes to show that sometimes advice that helps don't always have to be poetic (lol). Zac because of your experiences(and you have had it worse than me )I feel you can relate to my story. The comment you made about your mom about blaming herself I can relate to that. When that horrible thing happened to my daughter it happened at a 50th wedding anniversary party for my husband's parents. While I was drinking and having a good time my daughter was being raped in a room in the same building.So I have some idea of the guilt that your mother felt. My daughter have re assured me though that even if i had been in church praying it still would have happened because I had no control over it.. He was someone we all trusted so why would we be watching over him? There are so many emotions to deal with as I am sure you are award.Guilt,anger,rage and hurt. I will not drink to forget these feelings anymore because by doing that I am giving him power over me physically as well. It is difficult having to face raw emotions without a crutch but I am going to do it for the sake of my daughter who has had enough crap in her life and I am going to do it for me even if my a...s falls off. take care and God bless and THANK YOU
Well, I think I got my answer lol. Good for you.
Martin once again thank you for the kind words. the 24 hr comment was in reference to the one day at a time thing. lol thanks again. you have a great day.
pirate,
I feel so bad for your daughter. I was raped at 15 too and it was a horrible experience. It wasn't a family member but rape is rape. There is hope though. I got over it in time. It becomes a faint memory. I hope she too is able to get past it. I also hope you can get past it too because it WOULD be a good excuse to drink but we really don't need a reason to drink, do we? As long as we don't pick up the first drink we have a good chance of getting our lives and minds back together. Keep up the good work. You are doing better than you think you are.
smooches
I feel so bad for your daughter. I was raped at 15 too and it was a horrible experience. It wasn't a family member but rape is rape. There is hope though. I got over it in time. It becomes a faint memory. I hope she too is able to get past it. I also hope you can get past it too because it WOULD be a good excuse to drink but we really don't need a reason to drink, do we? As long as we don't pick up the first drink we have a good chance of getting our lives and minds back together. Keep up the good work. You are doing better than you think you are.
smooches
Dear Pirate,
I will not pretend to tell you that I understand the depth of your pain and anger. I only know it must be tremendous. There is a time for love, a time for hate, a time for war, a time for peace. I will be praying for you and your family.
I do hope that your daughter is receiving good counseling. Have you ever heard of EMDR? Eye Movement Desensitazation Reprocessing. It is a treatment method used for victims of trauma and abuse. It moves memories from the left and right hemispheres of your brain. So, that you don't think about what happened to you. My therapist does this with me. WW on MJ board also has benefited from this therapy. You can google it if you want.
I thank God that your sober Pirate it's a miracle! You and I are around the same age, are kids are to, wev'e probably been married around the same time to. If you ever want to talk or I can just listen, we can pray for healing, for justice to be served. Please e-mail at dcnj62@cs.com As a mother my heart bleeds for you.
Love, Chris XXXX
I will not pretend to tell you that I understand the depth of your pain and anger. I only know it must be tremendous. There is a time for love, a time for hate, a time for war, a time for peace. I will be praying for you and your family.
I do hope that your daughter is receiving good counseling. Have you ever heard of EMDR? Eye Movement Desensitazation Reprocessing. It is a treatment method used for victims of trauma and abuse. It moves memories from the left and right hemispheres of your brain. So, that you don't think about what happened to you. My therapist does this with me. WW on MJ board also has benefited from this therapy. You can google it if you want.
I thank God that your sober Pirate it's a miracle! You and I are around the same age, are kids are to, wev'e probably been married around the same time to. If you ever want to talk or I can just listen, we can pray for healing, for justice to be served. Please e-mail at dcnj62@cs.com As a mother my heart bleeds for you.
Love, Chris XXXX
Pirate,
Your courage and strength in sharing this is an inspiration to me. What a tragedy....I will write more later, as my eyes and body are yearning for bed....Just know that I am thinking and praying for you.
In spirit,
Zipper
Your courage and strength in sharing this is an inspiration to me. What a tragedy....I will write more later, as my eyes and body are yearning for bed....Just know that I am thinking and praying for you.
In spirit,
Zipper
Hey Pirate
Light and love, light and love:)
zac
Light and love, light and love:)
zac
